Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
>
query letter for MASQUERADE OF PRINCES (humorous YA fantasy)
date
newest »
newest »
Hello Vidya,First, the query. Identify your audience. I would leave out "portal" since it is descriptive and not a genre. "Meant to," isn't the same as, "it will appeal." Be more confident in your work. "Both teen and adult" is too broad. and sounds like "everyone will love it." Narrow your focus. Also, try to find two similar books to compare it to. My story will appeal to readers who enjoy X and Y.
It's okay to have a series, but be sure to say, this book will stand alone. Taking a chance on a single book is a risk and expecting anyone to believe in a series is too much to ask for. Sell the book first, series later.
At this point, your book blurb is done, so the rest of your description is out of place. It should be included right after the story intro. I think the idea of an alternate universe is already established. If you think it needs to be stronger, do so, but this part should be cut. The politics and persecution may be important, but don't turn it into a lesson. Let the reader figure it out without calling attention to it.
The last line is great. But move it up -it's a great way to end the blurb. "The political intrigue of MASQUERADE OF PRINCES echoes the past and current situation of India."
Anything you include about yourself should tie back to the book. How does Bahrain and its location apply? Does this give you a certain perspective on politics because you have experienced it from within and from afar? Capitalize on that however you can.
In the blurb, a bullet to the brain is a rough way to start. I guess it's meant to capture attention, but given the state of the world, it's jarring. Consider swapping the first two paragraphs so we understand why he wants to do it and make the impact softer. If it was a story about suicide, I wouldn't suggest it, but it doesn't seem to be the primary focus.The blurb feels like a synopsis rather than a blurb. This happens and then this happens and when that happens, we have to do this. It's tiring to read and more importantly, it doesn't give me any clear indication of the goals of the main character. What does he want? A cure, to save the country, the girl? Without a clear mission, it is hard to tell what the main obstacles are. The blurb needs to give us the main idea and theme without getting bogged down in the details.
On a personal level, I have an issue with the main character's voice. There is a fine line between sarcasm and being whiney. A larger issue is some of the side comments. "Before my morning coffee." Didn't they just break out of prison? Terms like crown pimple and crown pest take me out of the reading to consider why these words are used. Some run-on sentences also make the writing difficult to follow.
Why does he have to prove Nikhil's innocence? Sounds like he doesn't even like the guy. Does Nikhil have a wicked stepmother and a mother who is an evil Queen? Are these the same person? Kaya transported him but is she in the story too? I didn't know this was her country until the final sentence. Is she the third person who broke out of prison? It doesn't say.
Hope you find some of this helpful. Good luck with it.
--Scott
Scott, thanks so much for the detailed critique. Great points. Yes, I’ll leave out "portal." I’ll clarify the wicked stepmother and the mother who is an evil Queen are two different people. And that it’s Kaya country too.
Good point about finding two similar books to compare it to. One problem is, I can find no portal fantasy that’s humorous.
The fantasy that does feature a snarky first person narrator tends to be urban fantasy, such as Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files and Kevin Hearn's Iron Druid Chronicles.
Do you think I can say in my query: “The snarky first person narrator will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files and Kevin Hearn's Iron Druid Chronicles.”
I hesitate to say that since any agent might think I don't know those are different genres of fantasy from mine.
Another possibility: I could say my novel will appeal to fans of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.
But those 2 men write adult fantasy while mine is YA. So again, I don't know if I could say that though I do mention my novel should appeal to both teens and adults.
What do you think?
I think most agents are probably astute enough to know there may be crossover readers, but you have to choose one or the other. If you can't define your audience, it sounds like you're trying to be everything to everyone. Using the Pratchett / Gaiman reference sounds good because it's a wider net than mentioning specific books, but definitely describes an audience. If you use them, I would leave out, teens.I also prefer the phrase, my novel (or title) will appeal to, rather than, the snarky narrator will appeal. Always better to "show" some snarkyness than "tell" us he is snarky.
Cheers!
Thanks, Scott. There is something called YAFA. Young Adult for Adults. Neilsen numbers suggest that some 80 percent of YA novels are being purchased by non-teens:https://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/b...
it’s been known for years many adults love to read YA, so I want to indicate my novel would be liked by those. I guess I need to do a better job of conveying that.
If I mention Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, now I wonder if I should just not even call it YA at all. Just call it humorous fantasy?
In any case, 19 is actually a little old for YA. Most YA protagonists are younger and 19 tips it into New Adult territory. But NA indicates explicitness and my book doesn't feature sex.
But if I DON’T call it YA, I fear agents will think I don't know how to categorize it.
Thanks for the article. I do believe that 80% of buyers are adults, but I'm not sure that translates into 80% are adult readers. Like I said, agents know there are adult readers of YA and there is crossover. But based on agent blogs, I think they still want to see your query focus on one market. This is similar to a conversation I was having with another writer about word count. He presented examples of printed novels well over the suggested genre word count to justify a 200K first book. I'm not saying it can't happen, but I question going against suggested query logic. Why make a tough job even harder? Land the first deal and the break the rules.
I don't pretend to be an expert, just offering my two cents. Good luck -honestly, I hope you prove me wrong!
you’re right. i’ll change it to:MASQUERADE OF PRINCES is a humorous romantic fantasy that will appeal to fans of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.
#OwnVoices Query for MASQUERADE OF PRINCES (humorous YA fantasy)
Dear ...,
I was about to put a bullet into my brain when I met three men who deserved it more.
I'm Castor. I'm nineteen and I have neurofibromatosis, which means I have incurable, non-fatal tumors all over my face and body.
But just when I was about to end it all on the streets of India, I ran into the beautiful Kaya as she was being abducted by three thugs.
I saved her, and how did she repay me? By transporting me to Jandan, a small kingdom with big secrets.
Sure, travel broadens the mind, but did she have to teleport me to a dungeon in another universe?
Said dungeon held the imprisoned Nikhil, Crown Prince of Jandan. The three of us broke out of prison, only to discover life was one damn thing after another, and all before I'd even had my coffee.
The crown pimple got us mired in ever-deepening palace intrigue as we tried to figure out who was trying to kill him, and why. Was it Mira, his wicked stepmother, who wanted to put her own son on the throne? Was it a courtier opposed to Nikhil’s promise to protect and uplift the minorities?
When the King was poisoned, and Nikhil framed for it, I had to come up with a way to prove his innocence. All while battling his mother, the evil Queen, who wanted to kill me for my wisecracking ways and my encouraging Nikhil to defy unjust authority.
You'd think Kaya would be impressed by all I was doing to help her and her country, but who does she fall in love with? The crown pest.
Are the teen years really supposed to be this complicated?
MASQUERADE OF PRINCES is a humorous Young Adult romantic portal fantasy meant to appeal to both the teen and the adult reader. It’s the first book of a series that speaks to themes of inclusiveness.
It’s set in an alternate universe India that is struggling for freedom from colonial rule. The minorities being persecuted in Jandan are based on Indian Muslims. The political intrigue in my story echoes the past and current political situation in India.
I have pasted the first ten pages below.
I’m an Indian woman living in India. I grew up in Bahrain, an island in the Middle East, and returned to India to do my BA and MA in English Literature.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,