Epic Fantasy Query - Need Advice on Synopsis

[Larnce]

I have finished my first book at around 130k words, and I'm struggling to write my query for it. Below I included the synopsis. I haven't started on the hook or my bio yet, but I will certainly add those later.

Between the two final Blue Moons, the Travenhall Empire will fall and rise again, the titans of the mountains will devour the land and reshape it in their image, and the seal that separates the world of the living from the Great Beyond will shatter. All of this will not be caused by some great evil, but instead, be brought upon by Travenhall’s greatest hero.
Don Traveler, an eccentric young magician, embarks on a quest to reunite with his long-lost family and recruits the mildly schizophrenic shapeshifter, Shalnark, to escort him on his journey. Don was separated from his family at a young age, and his only vivid memory of them is his father’s love for the Blue Moon Festival that only happens every eight years. After an incident with the all-powerful Church of the Holy Trinity, the duo finds themselves on the run. Meanwhile, a zealous bishop named Gallen intends to start a bloody crusade in Boukua that could jeopardize Don’s quest and leave the entire city in ruins. Don has the power to save his family’s lives along with Boukua but must choose to miss his chance to meet them to do so.


The first paragraph is more relative to the intended series as a whole and I really think it works as a good hook, but I am unsure if I should keep it at all in my query.
The second paragraph is the synopsis for this particular book. Is this too much? Too little? How would you change it?

Thanks in advance

[G.R.]

I would be happy to share my thoughts. My biggest question is: what does paragraph 1 have to do with paragraph 2? There doesn't seem to be any common element that unites them. Is Don Traveler the greatest hero? Or is it someone else?

Paragraph 1: I like the hook. I would make only a minor change to shorten the last sentence: "All of this will not be caused by some great evil but instead by Travenhall’s greatest hero."

Paragraph 2: There is a lot going on here that is confusing. And without knowing more about the story it is difficult for me to provide specific changes, but here are some word tweaks and general questions:
- 1st sentence - good
- 2nd sentence - "Don's only vivid memory of his family is his father’s love for the Blue Moon Festival that only happens every eight years.
- 3rd sentence - all-powerful is a bit cliche. Can it be changed to just 'powerful' or 'influential'? Can 'incident' be changed to 'misunderstanding'?
- 4th and 5th sentence - This is where it starts to fall apart for me. I think it is because you are including too many unnecessary details. I recommend changing to: "Meanwhile, a zealous bishop intends to start a bloody crusade that could jeopardize Don’s quest. Don has the power to save countless lives including his family’s but doing so means he will miss his chance to ever meet them."

Hope this helps.

[G.R.]

I would be happy to share my thoughts. My biggest question is: what does paragraph 1 have to do with paragraph 2? There doesn't seem to be any common element that unites them. Is Don Traveler the greatest hero? Or is it someone else?

Paragraph 1: I like the hook. I would make only a minor change to shorten the last sentence: "All of this will not be caused by some great evil but instead by Travenhall’s greatest hero."

Paragraph 2: There is a lot going on here that is confusing. And without knowing more about the story it is difficult for me to provide specific changes, but here are some word tweaks and general questions:
- 1st sentence - good
- 2nd sentence - "Don's only vivid memory of his family is his father’s love for the Blue Moon Festival that only happens every eight years.
- 3rd sentence - all-powerful is a bit cliche. Can it be changed to just 'powerful' or 'influential'? Can 'incident' be changed to 'misunderstanding'?
- 4th and 5th sentence - This is where it starts to fall apart for me. I think it is because you are including too many unnecessary details. I recommend changing to: "Meanwhile, a zealous bishop intends to start a bloody crusade that could jeopardize Don’s quest. Don has the power to save countless lives including his family’s but doing so means he will miss his chance to ever meet them."

Hope this helps.

[Larnce]

G.R. wrote: "I would be happy to share my thoughts. My biggest question is: what does paragraph 1 have to do with paragraph 2? There doesn't seem to be any common element that unites them. Is Don Traveler the g..."

Thanks for the help. Your suggestions really make it flow nicer with a shorter word count. My conundrum with the first paragraph is that it describes the series as a whole really well, but because it is such a larger narrative than this first story, it's hard to make them seem related. The question of who this "greatest hero" is will be one of the driving questions of the series up to its conclusion since there will be multiple protagonists. I could probably do just as well without the first paragraph though if it needs to scrapped.

[G.R.]

I understand. Still, in your query letter to an agent you will have to be clear about that. Something like: this book is the first book of a planned series where new protagonists will be introduced, but which one will end up being Travenhall's greatest hero will keep the readers engaged. Or something to that effect. The main point is that you don't want the agent to have to guess.

[Larnce]

I see. I could certainly something like that into a third paragraph with the changes you’ve provided. Thanks you’ve been a huge help!