help with ya query for YA Sci/Fi

[Andrew]

Hey everyone, I'm working on my query letter and was wondering if I could run this by everyone to see if they had any points that might help improve the letter (I took out some of the personal stuff for privacy reasons). Thanks!

Dear [agent]

61 percent of earthlings believe in alien life, no one thinks they live next door.

Jance is a friendly but snarky, sarcastic high school student who doesn't pay attention in class. All his life, he has believed specific irrefutable facts. The sky is blue. Vending machines kill more people annually than sharks. The population of cows in his hometown dwarfs the population of people. His father is a human being.

Turns out, that last fact isn't as irrefutable as he thought.

One day, a mysterious girl named Sammy shows up at Jance's house to inform him his dad is an alien. Initially, Jance has his doubts, both about his father's other-worldly origins and Sammy's sanity. But then his father conjures a ball of fire.

Now Jance will be flung into a world he had no idea existed. A world in which alien visitation, anarchist conspiracies, energy manipulation, and intergalactic war are just another Tuesday. He will be taught to fully utilize his abilities by Sammy, an alien herself who seems to despise everything. Especially Jance.

Disaster strikes when a single individual begins to violently rob military bases of their nuclear material. Things go from bad to worse when fluctuations in the earth’s gravitational field suggest a change in human history. Jance and his team will have to race to solve the robberies before history changes, permanently. Will Jance be able to find and stop this hidden threat and save reality before it is too late?

Ace Squad: Inferno (107,608 words) is a pithy, young adult science fiction novel that could be described as a blending of the Percy Jackson series and Dragon Ball as told by Louis L'aMour.

[Reserved section for a customized message to the agent]

I started making up stories at an early age. Graduating from the Rochester Institute of Technology with a Bachelor’s in IT, I currently work as a web developer for the [a museum]. I have written numerous blog posts for the [the museum's] blog, often using humor to help break down highly technical concepts. Ace Squad: Inferno is my first novel.

For a full synopsis or sample chapters, please contact [me] at [myemail]@gmail.com or by phone at [phone number].

[Leah]

Hi Andrew,

This is actually a really good query letter (I'm taking notes lol). I only had a few comments, which I put in all caps below.

Dear [agent]

61 percent of earthlings believe in alien life, (BUT) no one thinks they (COULD) live next door.

Jance is a friendly but snarky, sarcastic high school student who doesn't pay attention in class. All his life, he has believed specific irrefutable facts. The sky is blue. Vending machines kill more people annually than sharks. The population of cows in his hometown dwarfs the population of people. (LOL FUNNY) His father is a human being.

Turns out, that last fact isn't as irrefutable as he thought.

One day, a mysterious girl named Sammy shows up at Jance's house to inform him his dad is an alien. Initially, Jance has his doubts, both about his father's other-worldly origins and Sammy's sanity. But then his father conjures a ball of fire. (INTERESTING)

Now Jance will be ("IS FLUNG") flung into a world he had no idea existed. A world in which alien visitation, anarchist conspiracies, energy manipulation, and intergalactic war are just another Tuesday. (LOL FUNNY) He will be taught to fully utilize his abilities by Sammy, an alien herself who seems to despise everything. Especially Jance. (GOOD CONFLICT)

Disaster strikes when a single individual begins to violently rob military bases of their nuclear material. Things go from bad to worse when fluctuations in the earth’s gravitational field suggest a change in human history. (GOOD CONFLICT) Jance and his team (WHO IS HIS TEAM? I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST SAMMY AND MAYBE HIS DAD HELPING HIM) will have to race to solve the robberies before history changes, permanently. Will Jance be able to find and stop this hidden threat and save reality before it is too late?

(I ONCE HAD AN AGENT TELL ME THAT QUESTIONS LIKE "WILL HE SAVE THE WORLD" ARE OBVIOUSLY YES. SO INSTEAD TURN THE QUESTION INTO ONE THE READER WOULD HAVE TO READ THE BOOK IN ORDER TO FIND OUT. MAYBE TRY SOMETHING LIKE "BUT JUST AS JANCE CLOSES IN ON THE CULPRIT, HE IS FORCED BETWEEN SAVING HIS HISTORY AS HE KNOWS IT, OR SAVING SAMMY." OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES)

Ace Squad: Inferno (107,608 words) is a pithy, young adult science fiction novel that could be described as a blending of the Percy Jackson series and Dragon Ball as told by Louis L'aMour. (YOUR WORD COUNT IS HIGH FOR YA - YOU WANT TO BE IN THE 70K-100K RANGE. ALSO DON'T USE PERCY JACKSON AS YOUR COMP TITLE; AGENTS WANT COMP TITLES THAT HAVE BEEN PUBLISHED IN THE LAST 3-5 YEARS AND THAT ARE NOT HUGELY SUCCESSFUL LIKE HARRY POTTER, OR TWILIGHT, OR DIVERGENT.)

[Reserved section for a customized message to the agent]

I started making up stories at an early age. Graduating from the Rochester Institute of Technology with a Bachelor’s in IT, I currently work as a web developer for the [a museum]. (AT FIRST I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU TO REMOVE THE WEB DEVELOPER PART, BECAUSE YOU REALLY WANT TO FOCUS THIS SECTION ON YOU CREDS AS A WRITER, BUT THEN YOUR NEXT SENTENCE EXPLAINS THAT YOU POST BLOGS TO BREAKDOWN TECHNICAL CONCEPTS, SO I THINK THIS IS FINE) I have written numerous blog posts for the [the museum's] blog, often using humor to help break down highly technical concepts. Ace Squad: Inferno is my first novel.

For a full synopsis or sample chapters, please contact [me] at [myemail]@gmail.com or by phone at [phone number].

YOUR QUERY IS VERY WELL PUT TOGETHER. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING IF YOU WOULD ACTUALLY TAKE A LOOK AT MINE AND TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS?

YOU CAN PM ME IF YOU'RE WILLING TO :)

BEST OF LUCK!

-LEAH

[G.R.]

Leah had some good comments and I'll throw my 2 cents in as well.

1) It's okay to have a number in your query/synopsis, but if you have to start a sentence with a number, spell the number out ("Sixty-one")
2) The query is too long. It reads more like a 1-page synopsis than a query. Here are a couple suggestions to shorten it:

-One day, a mysterious girl named Sammy shows up at Jance's house to inform him his dad is an alien. Now Jance is flung into a world he had no idea existed.
-Jance will have to race to solve the robberies before history changes, permanently. (take out 'and his team' and end the blurb right here. Forget the next sentence which is just an unnecessary question and too cliche anyway.)

Hope this helps.

[Andrew]

Thanks for the help! I'll have to work at working these in!