YA Contemporary Query

[Suneil]

Hi Friends,

I'd love any feedback you might have on my query. I omitted the bio paragraph for now. Thanks!

Dear X,

I’m currently seeking representation for THE JOURNEY WE SHARE, a contemporary, #ownvoices YA novel complete at 75,000 words. Given your interest in X, I thought it would be a good fit for your list.

Every day is a battle for fifteen-year-olds Steven and Mpholo. Steven wishes his life was normal at his New England boarding school– that he could simply go to class and date a girl; but his friend recently died, he gets panic attacks, and his parents regularly dismiss him. Meanwhile, in Uganda, Mpholo struggles to raise his younger siblings in stigma-rich Uganda after their parents die from AIDS. He dreams of the day he will have money and friends, but facing job rejection and exclusion from his community, he doesn’t know if that will ever come to fruition.

On the surface, the two teenagers have almost nothing in common; however, their lives become linked when Mpholo and Steven’s friends introduce them to a memoir Mira published years prior. In India, during the early 2000s, fifteen-year-old Mira longs to complete her education, but her abusive father forces her to work in his restaurant. When her father announces he has plans to marry her off, she devises a plan to escape and finish her education. As Steven and Mpholo read Mira’s book, they find themselves moved to reach their dreams; but when the two independently receive devastating news, their journeys are mired and they’re forced to make crucial decisions.

THE JOURNEY WE SHARE illustrates how fears and dreams are universal and the ways they connect us are more meaningful than they appear. It will appeal to readers of WRITTEN IN THE STARS by Aisha Saeed and THE REST OF US JUST LIVE HERE by Patrick Ness.

[Leah]

Hi Suneil,

Queries can be so hard to create. I'm going to copy yours down below and then put my comments in caps.

I’m currently seeking representation for THE JOURNEY WE SHARE, a contemporary, #ownvoices YA novel complete at 75,000 words. Given your interest in X, I thought it would be a good fit for your list. (GREAT OPENING PARAGRAPH)

Every day is a battle for fifteen-year-olds Steven and Mpholo. Steven wishes his life was normal at his New England boarding school– that he could simply go to class and date a girl; but his friend recently died, he gets panic attacks, and his parents regularly dismiss him. (I AM ASSUMING YOUR NOVEL IS DUAL POV? IF SO, I'VE FOUND THAT IT WORKS BETTER TO SEPARATE YOUR CHARACTERS IN 2 DIFFERENT PARAGRAPHS)

(NEW PARAGRAPH) Meanwhile, in Uganda, Mpholo struggles to raise his younger siblings in stigma-rich (I UNDERSTOOD WHAT YOU MEANT BY STIGMA-RICH, BUT IT DOESN'T READ LIKE THIS AT FIRST; MAYBE TRY JUST SAYING "UGANDA") Uganda after their parents die from AIDS. He dreams of the day he will have money and friends, but facing job rejection and exclusion from his community (WHY IS HE EXCLUDED FROM HIS COMMUNITY?), he doesn’t know if that will ever come to fruition.

On the surface, the two teenagers have almost nothing in common; however, their lives become linked when Mpholo and Steven’s friends introduce them to a memoir Mira published years prior. In India, during the early 2000s, fifteen-year-old Mira longs to complete her education, but her abusive father forces her to work in his restaurant. When her father announces he has plans to marry her off, she devises a plan to escape and finish her education. As Steven and Mpholo read Mira’s book, they find themselves moved to reach their dreams; but when the two independently receive devastating news, their journeys are mired and they’re forced to make crucial decisions.

THE JOURNEY WE SHARE illustrates how fears and dreams are universal and the ways they connect us are more meaningful than they appear (NICE LINE). It will appeal to readers of WRITTEN IN THE STARS by Aisha Saeed and THE REST OF US JUST LIVE HERE by Patrick Ness.

Thoughts: I would recommended mentioning your story is a dual POV (if it is) and breaking up the paragraphs as mentioned above.

1st paragraph example: Every day is a battle for fifteen-year-old Steven, who wishes his life was normal at his New England boarding school.

2nd paragraph example: Meanwhile, in Uganda, fifteen-year-old Mpholo struggles to raise his younger siblings in Uganda after their parents die from AIDS.

I think you need to develop your stakes for Steven a bit more. His friend died and he has panic attacks, but are his parents about to remove him from school? Is he thinking of suicide? What exactly are the conflicts he is facing? With Mpholo, you do a good job of this; he is trying to raise his siblings on his own and he keeps getting job rejections. This is a clear conflict. He needs to find a way to provide for his family. I'm just not sure why he is being rejected by his community?

Your title comparisons should be within the last 3-5 years, as recommended by most agents. Written in the Stars was published in 2000, so I would pick a new title. The Rest of Us Just Live Here was published in 2016, so this one is fine.

Best of luck!

Leah

[Scott]

Starting with ‘every day is a battle for Steven and Mpholo’ lumps them together at the start. I suggest dropping that line and introducing the boys separately as Leah suggests. This starts with their differences and makes your line about ‘fears and dreams’ being universal even more powerful.

Is Mira a character? I understand her story is really important but I’m wondering if it needs to be described in the blurb. Is it enough to mention her inspiring story and how it inspires / affects the boys? That would keep more focus on them. Adding details about father and marriage seems to distract.

Finally, I don’t see how ‘their lives become linked.’ Do they meet? Become friends? Or are they just going thru similar experiences?

Could be me but death of a friend seems to be tossed out too casually. Maybe the three things mentioned could be in a different order so it builds. Or add more detail. Hope this is helpful. Good luck.

—Scott