Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Feedback on Query
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I'm not sold on your blurb. Multi-POV is always a challenge because readers generally like to get to know a character and follow them around. Because blurbs are so short, you almost have to pick one or two characters and focus on them in order to create a connection with the potential reader (and agent, in this case).The first paragraph of the blurb feels a bit like backstory, but on top of that, isn't referring to any of the presumed POV characters. Indeed, the only 'character' named is the town.
WRT the query, I suggest you look for comparables. The idea with them is to give the agent/publisher an idea of where you think your book would be shelved in the book store. You want something that has sold well, but isn't famous.
Thanks a lot for the feedback, Keith. I do agree that the readers need a character or two in the blurb to follow. I checked a few multi-POV novel blurbs to see how they do it. Comp-titles might definitely be a good way to hook the agent, will look for relevant books.Below is my second take on the blurb. Does it engage better?
Ramya Satpathi and best friend Samar Sengupta want nothing more than to start college in the Indian town of Chanakyanagar and forget their murderous night from four years ago, the Incident.
When a mysterious woman accosts them clearing Ramya’s name from the Incident, they label it a cruel prank. Until they learn about their high-school teacher, the only one who showed kindness in their post-Incident life. His sin? Discovering what really happened that night. His punishment? Poisoned to death—by a faceless predator known as the Devil.
Tracing their teacher’s path, Ramya and Samar unravel a scheme that puts them in the crosshairs of a mafia kingpin returning after seventeen years, a junior lawyer hunting for the truth about his parents’ deaths, and newfound friends battling moralities to protect their deepest secrets.
The Devil lurks among them as ugly truths, devious coverups, and shocking motivations tumble into the open, weaving a darker future to insure a secret of its own.
I think this is a lot better. I have to head out right now, but will take a closer look when I get back.
Is the town important? If not, I suggest cutting "in the Indian town of Chanakyanagar" to shorten the opening sentence.I think it should be "The Incident" (upper case The), at least that's how it sounded in my mind.
You might want to give the high school teacher a name, since you mention him so many times. Try it both ways and see what happens.
My gut says you need some more periods in there and fewer commas. I think it just needs some fairly minor wordsmithing and it should be ready to go.
Thank you! The only reason I kept the town there is because the town develops a character of its own in the story. Maybe I could cut it down to "...to start college in a new town and forget..." That way, the town's name doesn't distract the reader.I'll put the teacher's name and have it proofread, sounds good.
Dear [Agent]
[Personalized start].
I hope you will consider my Adult mystery/thriller, THE DEVIL WITHIN, which is an ensemble novel with multi-POV third-person omniscient-limited narration. The novel is standalone with series potential, complete at 97,000 words. It has elements of small-town cozy and drama, and it explores the themes of friendship, family, trust, truth, and past trauma.
Crime is a precedent in the Indian town of Chanakyanagar. When a brazen attack unfolds, it is hailed as the return of the yesteryear mafia kingpin—a man revered to this day as God—after seventeen years of dormancy. Meanwhile, at work in the town’s deepest bowels is a faceless predator that believes in seeking vengeance through the temptation to sin.
At the center of this brewing tension are two friends eager to start college and move on from their murderous, paradoxical past; a mysterious woman massing an army of vigilantes; a junior lawyer looking for the truth behind his parents’ deaths; and two college-ready rival musicians with mutual vendetta locked in a battle that could break friendships, families, and their future.
As their paths collide and burn, fueled by devious lies, ugly family secrets, entrenched scandals, and shocking motivations, a darker future emerges where survival is possible only by succumbing to the devil within.
[Short bio].