Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query feedback for romance with a twist of suspense
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I like lot of the elements, but I'm struggling to see how they fit together or relate to the central story arc. Are the lawyer friends important? Is the neighbour important? Has the brother-in-law something to do with whatever is threatening Lianna? I would cut anything that isn't related to the romance or the main mystery. I would also introduce Gabe earlier. Is he the 'new love interest'?just my two cents :)
Adding to Enni, I find your message fuzzy and diffused. Your blurb needs to focus like a laser on your main characters, for romance about half of the blurb dedicated to each. Blurbs are expected to run 100-150 words total, so that means 50-75 words each. Put in only what's necessary to convey the key plot/character/story elements.In the first paragraph (which should be 2-3, btw) you never mention Gabe, so we have no idea if he's the other partner in the romance. In the second paragraph, you start off telling it from Lianna's POV when it should be from Gabes. Of course, if Gabe isn't actually her love interest, then you've got a lot further to go.
Generally, anything in the first 2/3 of the novel is fair game for the blurb, revealing them are not spoilers. If, as I suspect, the 'grisly discovery' happens in the first 2/3, spill. Too much mystery will cause people to move on from the few seconds they'll give your blurb, so you have to hook them hard and fast before the pass to the next.
Thank you Enni and Keith! I will start reworking this now. Really appreciate your feedback.
UPDATED BLURB:Where did things all go wrong? It was the question plaguing them both. Lianna should be practicing law, living her happily ever after. Instead, she has been grappling with the guilt surrounding her late husband's death and raising two children alone. Add to that, someone is harassing her and their tactics are escalating quickly. In her search for answers she must turn to Gabe, a brooding but irresistible single father.
Gabe, a sergeant in Vancouver PD’s major crime division, can’t stop Lianna from getting under his skin. But the skeletons in his closet prevent him from pursuing more. When threats to Lianna’s safety escalate, will his fear of losing her override everything else?
I think that's a lot better. Not ready for prime time, though, in my estimation, but on the right track.Is practicing law important? If so, you need to develop why. If not, it's probably better without.
I'm going to suggest you start with the inciting incident. Something like this:
Lianna is being stalked. Starting as harassment, it's escalated quickly. Fearing for her safety, she calls the cops.
Gabe, a sergeant in Vancouver PD’s major crime division, is puzzled. Lianna, recent widow and mother of two, is being relentlessly pursued by someone, but he can't nail down cause in effect.
Though Lianna isn't done mourning her husband, she has undeniable attraction to Gabe. Him being a single father makes him all the more interesting. Gabe does his best to keep things between him and Lianna professional, but when the stalker gets too close, his protective emotions start to cloud his judgement.
Thanks for the feedback Keith. Your questions have forced me to take a deeper look at my book and figure out what’s really important. I’ll keep working this through. Really thankful for your input
I really like Keith's take on it, hope it rings true to the actual novel and you can make use of that in some capacity? I should run my blurb past Keith as well... ;)
Shay wrote: "UPDATED BLURB:Where did things all go wrong? It was the question plaguing them both. Lianna should be practicing law, living her happily ever after. Instead, she has been grappling with the guilt ..."
I'd read this book!
If I was given this blurb to edit... I'd drop the "all" in the first sentence and cut the entire second sentence. Otherwise, I love it!
Lianna, a widowed mother of two, is the only one of her three best friends not actively practicing law. Instead, she has been grappling with a new love interest, leaving behind the guilt surrounding her late husband's death and raising two children alone. Add to that, someone is harassing her and their tactics are escalating quickly. In her search for answers she must face a brother-in-law, who openly despises her, and the odd neighbor who harbors an obsessive fondness for her.
Gabe, a single father, is the only man who’s made Lianna consider risking her heart again. A sergeant in Vancouver PD’s major crime division, his protective instincts kick in when she turns to him after a grisly discovery. But the skeletons in his closet stop him from pursuing more from the woman he’s wanted since he first laid eyes on her. When threats to Lianna’s safety escalate, will his fear of losing her override everything else?