Video Game Kickstarter Narrative Script - 3300 w - Swap with up to 10k

[Scott]

Hello. The title is a bit confusing, I know. I plan to launch a Kickstarter campaign in the near future, and part of my content will include a short video. To that end I've written a script that is meant to provide my intended audience with entertainment while provoking questions they'll want answered.

My script is 3300 words, and I will swap with anyone up to ~10,000 words. Maybe you have a short story or want your intro chapter to get a read-over.

I am not an expert with grammar, but I will do my best. Mostly I'll critique based on the general idea you've put forward, and if you have a specific list of questions I can answer those too.

Title: Wirethorn
Genre: Isekai (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isekai)
Audience: Those who enjoy mysteries, older teens - adult
Short Blurb:

MRS. STEEDLEY (O.S.)
You may now flip over your exam books and begin the test. Do not write in. . .

While the teacher continues talking, the Wirethorn comic falls out of Travis's backpack onto the floor. It silently opens onto the last page. Only the viewer sees that in the drawing the school has burst into flames.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
(thinking to self)
I smell smoke.

There is a slight hum of confused voices.

MRS. STEEDLEY (O.S.)
Class - this is an exam!

Then there is a distant sound of people down the hallway moving. Travis notices the comic next to his left foot. His eyes take in the top then bottom drawings; a fire near the school gym, and appearing on the right page is an explosion. Travis wants to yell out to his class, but his throat tightens with anxious uncertainty.