Query Letter - Sci-Fi/Fantasy - Feedback appreciated!

[Zack]

Adriel is a young alien who dreams of adventure and exploration, something very unlikely on his tranquil world with its predictable people. But something different has begun to happen. A group known as the Vappa are causing disturbances, disrupting the peaceful society with a strange new idea called religion. The pacifist people can do nothing against the extremist Vappa and their vicious leader, who ignores the more moderate views of his peers, hell-bent on exterminating the un-believers.

Phereniki Nix is on a mission to find a new habitable planet for her people. When she reaches a star system hundreds of light years away, she discovers Relekep, a fantastical world seemingly perfect for her. The only problem: it's already inhabited.

Since Phereniki’s people won’t be allowed to settle if the Vappa are victorious, she must find a way to help her new friends in their time of need, and prove that her people can co-exist alongside them. And Adriel must succeed in rallying his people to stand and fight, all while attempting to win Phereniki's heart despite their interplanetary differences.

Thrust into a perilous new world full of powerful enemies, Phereniki and Adriel find themselves working together - unlikely heroes in a race against destruction.

TO WALK AMIDST SAVAGES is an Ownvoices, character-driven first contact SF/F. It takes a look at one of the most common, yet historically under-represented and marginalized voices in our own society, and turns the societal norm on its head.

My manuscript is complete at 124k words and is my debut novel. It is the first of a planned trilogy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Keith]

Right off the bat, you're very unlikely to get MS requests with a length of 124K. Debut scifi/fantasy novels tend to max out at 120K (ignore the tomes of established authors, they have a proven track record). Even a little longer is likely to turn agents off, everything else needs to be perfect to get them to look past that.

And, while agents/publishers/booksellers love the idea of a series - after the first has sold well - they all tend to be skeptical until the market has been proven. Thus, "first of a planned trilogy" can be a red flag. However, 'series potential' is different, as it implies that your first has a clean ending and won't leave angry readers in the event sales doesn't justify releasing more.

Your blurb is long and doesn't grab me at all (most of my library is scifi). The supposed sweet spot for blurbs is 100-150 words and every word has to provoke the reader in wanting more. The way it's written now, it smacks of romance, where the two leads are given equal time. If you don't intend for it to be a romance (note that in my research, romance focused scifi doesn't sell that well), then you probably should keep focus on one character.

If you're going to refer to 'Ownvoices' you should be particularly sure that the agent is looking for that sort of stuff. Generally they only care about your story and will it sell, anything that detracts from sales opportunities will likely be frowned upon. There are exceptions, of course, particularly since there does seem to be plenty of bias, given how white male the scifi authorship tends to be, but in my opinion, being diverse isn't likely to be a prominent selling point and will be totally irrelevant if you can't suck in readers with your blurb and novel proper.

The below copied from a response to a another I just made:


Also, you need some comps, or books you'd expect to be shelved along with yours. Books that sold well, but aren't famous.

Generally you like to have a sentence or two bio, focused on elements about yourself that can help sell your novel.

It's also best to include... a sentence or two customized for each agent. The latter's purpose is to demonstrate you've done some minimal due diligence to know your novel is likely to be a fit for what the agent represents.

Note that an agent typically will expect to be hooked in the first 10 seconds and will usually make a decision within 30 seconds. And they're all looking for reasons to say 'no' (and no answer means no). Good agents get 100-500 of these each week.

[RK]

Totally agree with Keith, but if you like a bit of romance in your sci fi, check out Alexa Donne's Brightly Burning. She sold it with the hook 'Jane Ayre in space'. I've not read it because Sci Fi isn't my thing, but her YouTube channel is a gold mine. I'll get curious one day and read it :)