Feedback on Query letter

[Jacob]

Hey there! I'm about to begin the querying process and I would love some feedback on my query letter. Thank you in advance!

It’s the year 2136, and Nathan Scott is fourth in line to rule Provenance, a country of twelve massive cities, each uniquely based around a sign of the Zodiac. Though he lacks for nothing, he finds himself wanting when he falls in love with Scarlet.

To the rest of the palace she is merely a whisper, and only Nathan’s family is trusted with the secret that she’s the daughter of the Director, the current ruler of Provenance.

Even though they both live in the palace the only place Nathan and Scarlet feel safe to meet is in its sprawling gardens in the dead of night. If her father knew of their relationship it would likely mean Nathan’s death — and a love that burns so bright can only remain in the shadows for so long.

HOLDING SCARLET HANDS is Romance/Science fiction complete at 129,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best,

Jacob McGregor

[Keith]

I think your work is a little on the long side. Generally, even for world building concepts such as scifi, 120K is about the max for a debut author.

For a query, you need comps, books next to where you expect yours to be shelved. That have sold well, but aren't best sellers (who knew a simple query could be so challenging?).

Your second paragraph needs to identify Scarlet by name.

It's generally suggested you mention something about yourself, particularly if you have any sort of writing credentials or any personal background that's relevant to your story. Basically, stuff about yourself that can help sell novels.

In my opinion, you identify scifi by your world, not by stating a date. Simply saying it happens in the future may not be enough to draw in any aficionado (at least in my case, and scifi is 90% of what I read), you need to say something about the world. But that must come in context with your characters.

Finally, I suggest you get your query proofed (along with your novel, if you have the same habits). I feel you're missing a number of commas.

[Jacob]

Keith wrote: "I think your work is a little on the long side. Generally, even for world building concepts such as scifi, 120K is about the max for a debut author.

For a query, you need comps, books next to wher..."

Thank you for your feedback Keith! Human augmentation/cybernetics play a significant part in the world and I've now included that in my query.

[Kate]

To me the main problem with your query letter is there's nothing that makes your book "special". Ok, two people fall in love and if the girl's family finds out, he will be killed. That's a theme we've seen a million times. Tell us, what makes your book different from any other books sharing this common romance trope?