Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Feedback needed on blurb please!
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If you want it to appeal to people who haven't read your first book, I need more specifics. Who's Leo? A simple edit to say it "brought Kalika and her boyfriend Leo closer" would help. And I'm curious as to how - did he join her on the run? The last paragraph really doesn't tell me anything at all. What is the cost? What is the sacrifice? What is Narun? What decision does she have to make? What are the outside circumstances? "Will outside circumstances topple her over even..." is clunky.
It's a good start, you just need to insert more of what makes your story special. Right now all I really know is that the MC is on the run. I don't know why, I don't know her goals, I don't know her ties to the war or why she might have a hand in stopping it. I know you're probably thinking, "you'd know if you read the first one", but a blurb should always have specifics. And in the end, you should want it to not only be good enough to make your current readers keep going, but to make new readers think they need to go back and read your first one.
Best of luck.
I agree with the comments above - I think you need to clarify a little who your characters are. We can assume Leo and Kalika are lovers? But there is no indication who Narun is. As you write more books in a series you will need to explain a bit of the back story (kinda like Harry Potter does, to use a "big boy" example) Because there will be new readers who stumble on your later books and will start with a later book before they read the first one. You want to lure those people in too!So just a brief sentence or a few words explaining who that person is would help.
Also, I think you could get rid of the first line of "healing begins from within", or move it to the end. I find your sentence "Having come face to face..." much more compelling as the start of a description.
Faith wrote: "If you want it to appeal to people who haven't read your first book, I need more specifics. Who's Leo? A simple edit to say it "brought Kalika and her boyfriend Leo closer" would help. And I'm curi..."Thank you! Much appreciated!
S.J. wrote: "I agree with the comments above - I think you need to clarify a little who your characters are. We can assume Leo and Kalika are lovers? But there is no indication who Narun is. As you write more b..."Thank you!! Much appreciated!
Thank you Faith and S.J. for your super helpful comments and pointers! I can see now how vague the blurb was...I had a go at re-writing it with your tips in mind. Does this sound any better?!
"Having come face to face with her past, Kalika is determined to right her wrongs by returning to her homeland—Narun—and to join forces with the Prince of Narun to stop a looming war with the Gorahites. Yet with the borders heavily monitored and Hunters breathing down her neck, she is forced into hiding until she has time to heal from her last encounter with Gorahite soldiers.
When the time comes to leave for Narun and to walk along the path she knows is hers, Kalika is faced with a choice with consequences more far-reaching she could ever have imagined.
With the fate of two nations on her hands, will the end result outweigh the cost?"
Oh, I like this one much better! I understand the base of the story much better now and it sounds quite thrilling. I would tweak a few more things. Such as:Just say "the Prince". I don't think you need to say "of Narun".
Instead of "Yet" I would put "But" or "However"
Pick a word other than "with" in the sentence "with a choice with consequences" maybe..... "promising consequences" ? just to change up the words a little.
:) Sounds really fun!! I hope to read it sometime!
Agreed that it is much better :) I wouldn't mind a little detail on what the Gorahites are (rival nation?) and the Hunters. And this is just a suggestion you can take or leave - I feel like you could weave a tiny recap into your hook. For example - Kalika came face to face with her past and discovered x. Now, she's determined to right...
"walk along the path she knows is hers" might be another area where you could take something vague and make it specific to your story. I know she's joining forces with the prince, but what is she bringing to this battle? What does she have that can make a difference? Knowing something about what her choice is and the consequences would still be good.
S.J. wrote: "Oh, I like this one much better! I understand the base of the story much better now and it sounds quite thrilling. I would tweak a few more things. Such as:Just say "the Prince". I don't think yo..."
Awesome, thank you so much for your help. Great points - I shall 'tweak'! :)
Faith wrote: "Agreed that it is much better :) I wouldn't mind a little detail on what the Gorahites are (rival nation?) and the Hunters. And this is just a suggestion you can take or leave - I feel like you c..."
Fab, excellent suggestions. Thank you so much for your help!
I would love some feedback on how my blurb reads. It is for my YA contemporary fantasy book, Shifting Shadows (Narun 2), which is the 2nd book in a duology.
I know it might be hard to judge it as it's a sequel but any thoughts would be great...!
Blurb:
Healing starts from within.
Having come face to face with her past, Kalika is determined to right her wrongs and move forward. Yet life on the run brings its own complications. While it might have brought Leo and Kalika closer, Hunters continue to trail their steps while the threat of war remains a dreaded companion.
When the true cost of peace dawns on Kalika, so does the scale of the sacrifice. With Narun’s fate on the line, failure is not an option, but will she have the strength to make the ultimate decision or will outside circumstances topple her over even before she has a chance to prove herself?
Thank you in advance! :)