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Help/Advice/Ideas! > Would you read this?

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message 1: by [deleted user] (last edited Nov 08, 2014 06:30PM) (new)

This is the beginning of a novel I am writing. Any advice would be appreciated


Kenneth stood on the ledge of the cliff looking down at the ghastly scene below. Below him stood an army of thousands. They were armed with heavy swords and big black spears. They had catapults which were being loaded. There armor was thick and their shields were broad. This army had one purpose. To destroy.
He sighed and looked back upon his own army. They numbered a mere 2 hundred, and were downtrodden and tired. He smiled sadly as he saw a young boy not older than 12 being taught how to hold a sword. He wished that it didn't have to end this way. So many of these people were to young to die. They deserved to live and grow old. He shook his head. He was their leader, he needed to be strong.
“Can we win” a voice asked from his right. He turned slowly to face his eldest brother, Allric. Allric was one year younger than Kenneth, but he was the smartest person Kenneth had ever known. Kenneth knew that Allric knew that they didn't stand a chance. He was just hoping that Kenneth would reassure him.
Kenneth turned away from the scared face of his brother. He had gotten injured two days ago, yet here he was ready to fight. Allric was never a fighter, he preferred peaceful solutions, he was tall and lanky and had preferred to read as a child rather than to practice sword-fighting like Kenneth. He looked so out of place with his skinny arms and glasses. He shouldn't have to fight, none of them should, Kenneth thought as he turned to look at his other brothers. Their faces were set and they had determination in their eyes. He wished so much that he could reassure them, that he could tell them that everything was going to be all right.
“I don't know,” He said honestly.
“They'll be expecting a speech, I'd advice you not to say that.” Another of Kenneth's brothers, Mervin, said trying to lighten the mood. Mervin was a joker through and through, unlike his twin Cedric who preferred to sit on the sidelines rather than participate in any of Mervin’s antics. Kenneth smiled slightly and shook his head. Then after a few more moments of silence a horn rang out.
Kenneth sighed, “The time has come” he said. Then he turned and faced the people who had fought with him through this whole big mess. He turned toward them and he knew he couldn't lie.
“I'm not going to lie to you,” He started, his voice causing the small army to look up from the ground to gaze upon their leader, “ are chances are slim.” At this point he paused and turned his back on them to gaze at the monstrosity below. “They have thousands and we number a mere 200. They have superior numbers, and superior weapons,” He paused and gazed upon the faces of his brothers standing next to him, “ but we have one thing they don't have. We have family and friends. We have homes and children. We unlike them, have something to fight for. So know I must ask of you what no leader should ever have to ask of his people. Will you fight with me?”
All at the once the army rose. A meager hope shone in their eyes, and all at once they didn't look so shabby and careworn anymore. Kenneth gave them a sad smile and before turning to face his brothers who stood along the ridge beside him. “You do not have to fight,” he said simply gazing at each one with love in his eyes.
“And let you have all the glory,” Kenneth's brother Mervin replied, “Not a chance”
Kenneth laughed and turned as his brothers unsheathed their swords. “For Draeden” they said.
“For Draeden” replied Kenneth as he to unsheathed his sword.


message 2: by em_panada (new)

em_panada I don't have really advice at all. There might have been two errors. One spelling, another grammar, but it's no big deal.

I really like it though, and it makes me interested to see what will happen next. Is this part of a prologue or chapter?


message 3: by Julia (new)

Julia I agree with Emmeline. There are some grammatical errors and spelling too. Other than that, I'd love to read it.


message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

So this is the beginning and the whole story is going to be told in sort of flashback. This is the battle at the end of the series. So you will get to see the end and the beginning and middle at the same time. (confusing I know)


message 5: by Julia (new)

Julia From what I understand of that, it sounds really cool!!!

But you are going to leave it as a cliff hanger and not tell us the outcome of the battle, right?


message 6: by [deleted user] (last edited Nov 08, 2014 05:46PM) (new)

Not till the end of the series, but trust me the ending is going to be sweet. I already have it all planned out (hmmm now I just need the beginning and middle)


message 7: by em_panada (new)

em_panada Nah, not if you do it clearly.

It's cool that you're doing a sort of 'medias res' to your story, you don't really see that very often in too many literary novels. It makes it special.


message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

Its also told from a few peoples point of view, including (but not limited too) several of Kenneth's brothers, and another boy called Asce.


message 9: by Julia (new)

Julia Oooooh good!

Okay, also, since this is the flashback, don't describe Kenneth's brothers yet. Wait to add description when you flash forward or whatever.


message 10: by [deleted user] (new)

I am Kenneth has six brothers. Allric, Cedric, Mervin, Roderic, Philip, and Theodore. I plan on you getting to know them more during the story than going out right and introducing them. I just wanted a little bit about Allric in there, it will make more sense once you read the rest of it.


message 11: by em_panada (new)

em_panada I actually kinda disagree, I think it's good to add a bit of description to the characters. Agreed, not over-detail, but just something that is able to define one character from another.


message 12: by [deleted user] (new)

The way I want this to work is having the whole ending/beginning as sort of foreshadowing of what will happen during the course of the book. The book will also jump from the beginning (flashback) to the present day battle, so that by the time the flashback catches up, the battle will be pretty much over.


message 13: by [deleted user] (new)

I want the present day stuff to be a bit vague so you don't know outright what happened.


message 14: by em_panada (new)

em_panada It's certainly an interesting layout. Where did you find inspiration?


message 15: by [deleted user] (new)

I don't know honestly. I guess I just wanted to make my book a bit different and I had planned from the beginning to do different points of views and that one of them was going to be told mostly in flashback, but it wasn't until recently that I decided to have it all in flashback.

(haha that was a very long sentence)


message 16: by em_panada (new)

em_panada Well, it's really cool. And I hope you're able to have success with it. (I'm sure I'd pick it up if I saw it somewhere)


message 17: by [deleted user] (last edited Nov 08, 2014 06:04PM) (new)

Thanks, it is an epic fantasy. I got my inspiration for the book from Lord of the Rings and Eragon. But this book is very twisted. My goal is to have this book have not a single stereotypical anything to it.


message 18: by [deleted user] (new)

I have one question though, the speech does it sound a little forced to you. I wanted to put a lot into it, do you think I should go more short and sweet?


message 19: by em_panada (last edited Nov 08, 2014 06:20PM) (new)

em_panada I don't think it sounds forced. However if it was me, I'd add a bit more detail about the army (maybe noise or colors or something along those lines), and add where exactly Kenneth was standing.

My only problem would be that the lines of the characters however, seem a bit used to me. Maybe it's because I feel like I've heard something similar in a movie. It's not bad of course, but there is that feel.

As for making it sweet and simple, for some cases it works, but when I envision your novel I don't picture it like that. In truth I never really liked Percy Jackson or Harry Potter books because it is very simple in writing (at least for the first books, which is as far I've ever read), and for me I want something that challenges my imagination. But, not too much that it's over-powering and one page long (which tends to happen with the Inheritance Cycle).

BUT - If your writing works best with more simplicity, then it shouldn't be bad at all. However, if you're comfortable with going to more depth (details, emotions) I would encourage that.


message 20: by [deleted user] (new)

Ok thanks I am going to add a bit more detail and repost it later.


message 21: by em_panada (new)

em_panada Can't wait!!!


message 22: by [deleted user] (new)

Better?


message 23: by Julia (new)

Julia Seriously? LoTR and Eragon? YES! I LOVE YOU!


message 24: by [deleted user] (new)

Hey is it ok if I PM some stuff to you 2 later?


message 25: by Julia (new)

Julia Me? Yes!


message 26: by [deleted user] (new)

Ok send you something this week


message 27: by [deleted user] (new)

What about you Emmeline?


message 28: by em_panada (new)

em_panada Sure! :D


message 29: by [deleted user] (new)

Haha I just realized that there is a character in my book named Emmaline. She's Kenneths and his brothers mom.


message 30: by em_panada (new)

em_panada XD

It's a pretty name and it sounds the same, only mine has an 'e' instead of an 'a'. It's French I believe.


message 31: by [deleted user] (new)

Oh I didn't notice that. I love that name. 2 of my all time favorite girl names are in Kenneth's family, Emmaline and Willa.


message 32: by em_panada (new)

em_panada Funny! I always liked the name Willa too!


message 33: by [deleted user] (new)

Hey Charlotte, guess what there's a character named Charlotte in my book too. She is pretty badass (excuse my language).


message 34: by [deleted user] (new)

My name is TessaMarie


message 35: by [deleted user] (new)

What's your book about?


message 36: by [deleted user] (new)

I'd love to read it can u post the link?


message 37: by [deleted user] (last edited Nov 08, 2014 09:08PM) (new)

I am writing an Epic Fantasy. It is about an old evil trying to come back into the world (sort of like LOTR) and since it was only defeated last time with the uniting of all the races of Draeden (the fictional world), they have to work to unite everyone again of Draeden. But the humans or men are all closed off from the rest of the world and their king is very stubborn and won't let his army go to help defeat this evil, however his 7 sons have other plans (wink wink). There are also elves, who are all wise and know they have to fight, and Dwarves, who just like to fight. Then there are the fair folk who had been suppressed for 100s of years after the fist great war and so have sided with the enemy. There is also an awesome character named Asce who is like a robin hood type guy who lives underneath the mountains and gets roped into a fight that his race (men) refuses to acknowledge. The bad guy is also a main character in it and throughout the course of the book you learn, that maybe he's not so bad after all.

Thats a really long explanation, but its going to be a long series, hopefully.


message 38: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
This is really good! Nice depth, if you ask me, and an amazing idea! I can't wait to read more! :D :D :D


message 39: by [deleted user] (new)

thanks, maybe I'll send some or it to you too, if thats Ok?


message 40: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Sure! But aren't you also gonna continue it on here? +squints eyes+ You should. Lots of people should read it.


message 41: by [deleted user] (new)

I would love to continue it on here, but I want to get this book actually published and don't want to like ruin anything for readers


message 42: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Good idea! :)



Have you gotten anything actually published before? Or are you planning on having this as your first one or something?

It's actually been my dream since I was little to have a book of my own published, printed, put on the shelves with MY name on them...... +sighs dreamily+

But, ah, well, my only problem at the moment is that I can't seem to finish any of the ideas that crop up in my head. Working on that, though! :)


message 43: by [deleted user] (new)

This is going to hopefully be my first one.


message 44: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Oooooooooo cool!!!!!


message 45: by Kamiko (new)

Kamiko (kamiko1108) | 1125 comments That is an amazing start, and I would definitely read that. Great job!


message 46: by [deleted user] (new)

Haha, I totally changed the order of the series so this will be the start of the second book, not the first.


message 47: by [deleted user] (new)

A boy stood alone on the battlefield, clutching his rusty sword tightly, as though it was the most precious thing in the world. Blood dripped from the sword, echoing in his head.

He walked among the corpses, his face hidden in shadow. They were dead. Again. And again. And again. And again...repeating over and over again, nonstop.

The cycle of killing never stopped. Every day, he killed thousands of nameless and faceless soldiers, slaughtering them like a butcher.

He didn't remember why he killed anymore. All he knew was that if he stopped, something bad would happen to the kingdom.

He was protecting the kingdom from these soldiers. Was he even protecting the kingdom? He liked to think so. He liked to think of himself as the kingdom's guardian, fighting for all eternity.

Perhaps the soldiers weren't the enemy. Perhaps he himself was the enemy. He liked to amuse himself with such thoughts. There was no other way to pass the time in this barren wasteland.

It was quite lonely here, and very boring as well. Nothing ever changed here, except for the number of corpses piled on the ground. It was rather enjoyable, counting the corpses.

Still, such joy wasn't enough. He needed a drastic change in his environment. He needed something extremely different to happen. Such change would be welcome here.

Little did he know that soon, his wish would be granted in the most unexpected way...


message 48: by Marie (new)

Marie (naturechild02) Gashbeen(Hecate) wrote: "A boy stood alone on the battlefield, clutching his rusty sword tightly, as though it was the most precious thing in the world. Blood dripped from the sword, echoing in his head.

He walked among t..."



Sounds interesting to me!


message 49: by [deleted user] (new)

Thanks! It's the start of a book I'm writing. I'm just stuck on how to continue the book.


message 50: by Marie (new)

Marie (naturechild02) I love a good action/horror story!


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