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TMEB's Writing > Would you read this?

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message 1: by [deleted user] (last edited Nov 07, 2014 05:18PM) (new)

I am writing a novel and wanted to post a little of it to see if anyone would actually read it. So here is the beginning of it:

Kenneth stood on the ridge looking down at the ghastly scene below. Below him stood an army of thousands. They were armed with heavy swords and big black spears. They had catapults which were being loaded. There armor was thick and their shields were broad. This army had one purpose. To destroy.
He sighed and looked back upon his own army. They numbered a mere 2 hundred, and were downtrodden and tired. He smiled sadly as he saw a young boy not older than 12 being taught how to hold a sword. He wished that it didn't have to end this way. So many of these people were to young to die. They deserved to live and grow old. He shook his head. He was their leader, he needed to be strong.
“Can we win” a voice asked from his right. He turned slowly to face his eldest brother, Allric. Allric was one year younger than Kenneth, but he was the smartest person Kenneth had ever known. Kenneth knew that Allric knew that they didn't stand a chance. He was just hoping that Kenneth would reassure him.
Kenneth turned away from the scared face of his brother. He had gotten injured two days ago, yet here he was ready to fight. Allric was never a fighter, he preferred peaceful solutions, he was tall and lanky and had preferred to read as a child rather than to practice sword-fighting like Kenneth. He looked so out of place with his skinny arms and glasses. He shouldn't have to fight, none of them should, Kenneth thought as he turned to look at his other brothers. Their faces were set and they had determination in their eyes. He wished so much that he could reassure them, that he could tell them that everything was going to be all right.
“I don't know,” He said honestly.
“They'll be expecting a speech, I'd advice you not to say that.” Another of Kenneth's brothers, Mervin, said trying to lighten the mood. Mervin was a joker through and through, unlike his twin Cedric who preferred to sit on the sidelines rather than participate in any of Mervin’s antics. Kenneth smiled slightly and shook his head. Then after a few more moments of silence a horn rang out.
Kenneth sighed, “The time has come” he said. Then he turned and faced the people who had fought with him through this whole big mess. He turned toward them and he knew he couldn't lie.
“I'm not going to lie to you,” He started, his voice causing the small army to look up from the ground to gaze upon their leader, “ are chances are slim.” At this point he paused and turned his back on them to gaze at the monstrosity below. “They have thousands and we number a mere 200.”
“I am not my father though, I will not make you fight, in fact it would probably be best if you all left this battlefield right now. For should you stay you will most likely fall. However should you wish to stay and fight with me I will not stop you. Before you make your decision know this they may have superior numbers, superior weapons, but we have one thing they don't have.” He paused and gazed upon the faces of his brothers standing next to him, “We have family and friends. We have homes and children. We unlike them, have something to fight for. So now I ask you who will raise their sword and fight with me?”
All at the same time the army rose. Kenneth gave a sad smile and turned once again to his brothers. “I offer you the same choice.” he said, “You may leave if you chose”
“And let you have all the glory,” Kenneth's brother Mervin replied, “Not a chance”
Kenneth laughed and then turned to the rest of his brothers who all unsheathed their swords. “For Draeden” they said.
“For Draeden” replied Kenneth. Then the battle began.



Keep in mind that this is the first unedited draft. Any criticism would be appreciated.


message 2: by [deleted user] (last edited Nov 21, 2014 12:47PM) (new)

It's his eldest brother (his brother who is the oldest).


message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

This is so confusing, I'll fix it later.


message 4: by Sarah (new)

Sarah Giles | 1 comments It's an intriguing story, I'm interested it what happened to lead up to this point! There are a few technical errors though, (which you'd probably pick up yourself when you get to the editing stage). But here is what I found anyway:

1. The sentences are all structured the same, and that can become tiresome after a while.
2. Although your descriptions of the characters are interesting, you don't need them. Show the reader through your character's actions and dialogue who they are. Let us figure it out, never tell us.
3. I would love some more detail about the setting. If they're preparing for battle there has got to be a lot going on. Paint a picture with strong verbs! :)
4. And last of all, be careful about your point of view. You may be writing in third person but Kenneth is still your main point of view. Try not to slip into other characters, unless you can do it clearly and successfully.

All in all, I enjoyed this sample! Keep it up, it looks like you could have a great story here!! I hope my thoughts are helpful for you :)


message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

Thanks so much for the advice. This is an older post and it has been edited since then, I will take all your points into consideration as I write further.


message 6: by Quinn (new)

Quinn | 2 comments Id read it it any day


message 7: by [deleted user] (new)

:)


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