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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA Fantasy Query & Pitch Help
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Maybe try this for the pitch?Pitch: A pair of siblings become stranded after being swept through a secret water passage and the only item that can repair their damaged boat is being guarded by a sociopath. In order to return home, they have to find the courage to steal it.
As for the query, the first paragraph doesn't really work for me. It doesn't grab my attention, especially with telling me a common fact that humans need water in order to survive.
The second paragraph loses me too. Why are there so many details about her and cross country when that doesn't seem to be the main focus of the plot? A lot of this can be cut. It's also super vague when it comes to the passage and I'm left confused. So basically, I need less on the cross country and more on the secret passage.
The third paragraph is the most interesting but still suffers from excessive details at times. I made a change in bold. I also don't think (sociopath) works. Maybe just say sociopathic madman:
Everything changes when Becca, and her brother, spend their summer vacation at their grandfather’s isolated lake home. She begins to question the circumstances around his death. Did he really light a fire on his wooden boat? When they find that same boat mysteriously repaired, curiosity gets the better of them and they take it for a spin. They are then swept away on a terrifying adventure to the island of Saltz, where they discover their grandfather’s other life, and true identity. Hidden from the outside world, the people on the island of Saltz, are afraid, tired, thirsty, and powerless against a sociopathic madman who controls the water and power. He will kill any outsiders. Desperate, Becca has no choice but to travel through Saltz to find the one thing that can get them home.
I also think the very last sentence needs to be more specific. What makes this story stand out? Ending with "this story tackles facing fears, discoveries, and being open to new possibilities" describes 90% of books. Try to avoid being generic. Agents are likely to skim over details that don't hold their interest.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions :)
L.C. wrote: "Maybe try this for the pitch?Pitch: A pair of siblings become stranded after being swept through a secret water passage and the only item that can repair their damaged boat is being guarded by a ..."
It is written in first person, view of the girl so I'm avoiding on using "pair".
But what do you think of this new re-write?
RUNNING WATERS is about a sixteen-year-old who becomes stranded through a water passage that her deceased grandfather kept secret, but the one item that can repair her boat is guarded by a madman. She must find the courage to steal it, or risk never to return home.
Over a hundred years ago a society was created to escape poverty and depression. Hidden away from all outsiders, until today.
Becca Waters’ grandfather was struck by lightning, at least that’s what she’s told. The loss brings her to his lake home where her childhood memories live. But she begins to question all she knows about her grandfather when she discovers his battered boat mysteriously repaired, and with her brother, are swept through a dangerous unknown water passage leaving them lost in the open ocean. With the help of an unlikely nomad they are taken to the island of Saltz where they discover their grandfather’s other life, and true identity, the admired ruler of Saltz. That is until he is overthrown for the control of the island’s water.
Hidden from the outside world the people on the island are afraid, tired, thirsty, and powerless against the madman who controls the water and power. He will kill any outsiders. Desperate Becca has no choice but to travel through Saltz to find the one thing that can get them get home.
It's definitely better! I notice that this new pitch though suffers from a run-on sentence. Maybe break it up with different punctuation. Also, details like "stranded" "water passage" and "grandfather kept secret" is a lot to take in with the way it's worded, at least for me. Maybe try something like this?RUNNING WATERS is about a sixteen-year-old girl who ends up stranded after going through a water passage originally kept secret by her deceased grandfather. The one item that can repair her boat and get her home however, is being guarded by a sociopathic madman—and he's out for blood.
In the query, there are some sentences that can be reworked to make it flow better:
Over a hundred years ago, a hidden society was created to escape poverty and depression. Today, it is no longer hidden.
Becca's grandfather died after being struck by lightning—at least, that’s what she’s been told. The loss brings her and her brother to his lake home where their childhood memories live. She begins to question all she knows about her grandfather when she discovers his battered boat mysteriously repaired. Along with her brother, she is swept through a dangerous unknown water passage, leaving them lost in the open ocean. With the help of an unlikely nomad, they are taken to the island of Saltz where they discover their grandfather’s other life, and true identity: the admired ruler of Saltz. Or at least he was until a madman overthrew him for the control of the island’s water.
Hidden from the outside world, the people on the island are afraid, tired, thirsty, and powerless against the madman who controls the water and power. He will kill any outsiders. In order to get her and her brother back home, Becca has no choice but to travel through Saltz and confront the madman.
That's what I have with the information you've given me. I do think adding more on the madman would help. Just calling him a madman doesn't make him interesting. What about this madman makes him unique? Is he supposed to make our skin crawl? Is he the sadistic type? Have more of his traits come through that make us either curious to find out more about him or even scared to find out more.
Yes, thank you. Great points! It helps to have someone see it from a different perspective. Let me see what I can do :)
I'm stuck.
I'd appreciate any feedback on my query and on my one line pitch which should open the query, but I don't know how to fit it in. Yes it's two sentences, ugh.
PITCH:
Sixteen year-old Becca, along with her brother are swept through a secret water passage, becoming stranded and discover the one item that can repair their boat is guarded by a sociopath. She must find the courage to steal it, or risk never to return home.
Query:
It’s a cruel joke, staring at an ocean of water that is undrinkable. In four days without any, a person will die...
Three months ago, Becca Waters’ only worry was how to avoid being part of the cross country team. A result of a cruel, impulsive, insane decision to prove herself. On top of that, the team’s coach advertises, that her, and her distorted knee, are an inspiration to the sport. Running doesn’t fit in her life. That is, until her grandfather’s death. The loss leaves her with a gap, and an unknown passage unguarded, where secrets begin to unfold, and have her running for her life.
Everything changes when Becca, and her brother, spend their summer vacation at their grandfather’s isolated lake home. She begins to question the circumstances around his death. Did he really light a fire on his wooden boat? Then discovers the same boat mysteriously repaired. With it, they are accidentally, or so it seems, swept away on a terrifying adventure to the island of Saltz, where they discover their grandfather’s other life, and true identity. Hidden from the outside world the people on the island of Saltz, are afraid, tired, thirsty, and powerless against the madman (sociopath) who controls the water and power. He will kill any outsiders. Desperate, Becca has no choice but to travel through Saltz to find the one thing that can get them home.
This story tackles facing fears, discoveries, and being open to new possibilities