Blurb feedback thread

[Christina]

Eric wrote: "Thank Howard for you and the rest of the group!"

This got a snort out of me. ;)

[[deleted user]]

Another snort novel? It's difficult to keep up with the new genres.

[Christina]

It's our new genre.

[[deleted user]]

I feel like a character in Arsenic and Old Lace. "Another malaria victim?"

[David]

a literary nasal

[P.E.]

Christina wrote: "Eric wrote: "Thank Howard for you and the rest of the group!"

This got a snort out of me. ;)"

Then we're even. I've been breaking into random fits of chuckling for the last couple of days about the "Howard be thy name" story. People already believe my grasp on sanity is tenuous. This is just another nail in the coffin.

[Christina]

Look, all you have to do is tell 'em you're a writer. It will all start to make sense. :D

[[deleted user]]

OMG, another blurb to look at! Thinking about changing the blurb on my latest book. The first is the original, the second is a new shortened version. Tell me what you think.

To Summon The Blackbird
"From the ashes of the outer remnants of the First Empire, a powerful rival to its ancient glory has risen. After ruthlessly dominating its neighbors, the New Empire launches yet another campaign, and this one will take it deeper than ever into the old empire's former realm. Its target is the small Hellsbridge Sub-Federation Tri-System, but when the assault begins with a force that should have been overwhelming, the result is more than puzzling. As reinforcements are fed into the battle, it quickly becomes a clash of interstellar empires, in which the fates of entire worlds ride on the outcome of a macabre chess game played on an epic scale."

"From the ashes of the outer remnants of the old Solar Empire, a powerful rival to its ancient glory has risen. For generations the New Empire has grown by ruthlessly dominating its neighbors, but when it attacks a distant system called Hellsbridge, it opens a door into the unknown. And something is coming."

[Teri]

input-feedback...I've had a couple of authors helping with this (read: raking me-it over the coals from hell lol:)... Thought getting input from some outside eyes might be helpful:)

Café of the Hungry Ghosts

Wayra is one of the last of the Andean Shaman, a being who stands between the Seen and the Unseen. As a shaman, she grew up learning all the secret mysteries of life and the universe. Mountains, rivers, and clouds speak to her of countless energies that affect the world. In the outside world, she struggles to find her place in a society that no longer understands who a shaman is.

At 19, Wayra is coming into her power as a healer and shaman, and is tasked with keeping the Seen and the Unseen in balance. Balance, though, is a challenge when the Unseen begins interfering with the Seen in a bad way.

Something from the Unseen is stalking this world, starting with Wayra. From troubled dreams to friends in trouble to her animal totems dying, the Unseen is slowly taking over her life. Wayra must figure out what the force drawing toward her is, because it might be more than her own personal world at stake.

[Christina]

Hi Ken. I like the shortened version. It may be, to some, a bit trope-y, but immediately recognizable concepts are a good thing in a blurb. The first line remains a bit unwieldy to me, but seeing as it's held on through all of your changes, I leave that to artistic differences. :)

[[deleted user]]

Thanks Christina. I'm hoping people won't mistake it for paranormal from that blurb. It's military Sci-Fi all the way.

[Christina]

Teri wrote: "input-feedback...I've had a couple of authors helping with this (read: raking me-it over the coals from hell lol:)... Thought getting input from some outside eyes might be helpful:)

[bookcover:Caf..."

Hi Teri. The idea seems solid, but what sticks out to me is the repetition of some words in close proximity, such as shamen, balance, trouble. You might take a look at that and rework a few sentences, maybe even shorten some of the longer ones.

For whatever reason, blurbs bring out the long sentences in some of us. I am certainly affected as well.

[Amanda]

I like them both. I think you should attempt to combine them. I agree about the first line Christina. It took me a few attempts to understand it. It's just so wordy.

[Amanda]

I really like your blurb Teri. It definitely sold me on the book.

[Christina]

Ken wrote: "Thanks Christina. I'm hoping people won't mistake it for paranormal from that blurb. It's military Sci-Fi all the way."

It doesn't sound paranormal at all to me. Besides, paranormal readers aren't likely to be looking in scifi for books.

[Amanda]

It definitely sounds more futuristic than paranormal.

[[deleted user]]

Maybe this one would be better than the current first line.

"A powerful rival to the ancient glory of the old Solar Empire has risen from its outer remnants."

[Teri]

Christina wrote: "Teri wrote: "input-feedback...I've had a couple of authors helping with this (read: raking me-it over the coals from hell lol:)... Thought getting input from some outside eyes might be helpful:)

[..."
hows this for a few quick tweaks. And you were right re the long sentences. Parts of this were rewrites by someone else- and by the time it got to this point- i was both bald and cross-eyed:)

Wayra is one of the last of the Andean Shaman, a being who stands between the Seen and the Unseen. She grew up learning all the secret mysteries of life and the universe. Mountains, rivers, and clouds speak to her. She journeys between the realms of the living, and the dead. She senses countless energies that affect the world. In the ordinary world, she struggles to find her place- both as a young adult, and as a healer. A healer in a society that no longer understands the power and importance of cosmic forces.

At 19, Wayra is coming into her power as a healer and shaman. It is her role, keeping the Seen and the Unseen in balance. The two aspects intertwine and affect each other all the time.

Something from the Unseen begins stalking this world, starting with Wayra. From disrupted dreams to friends in trouble to her animal totems dying, the Unseen is slowly taking over her life. Wayra must figure out what the force drawing toward her is, because it might be more than her own personal world at stake.

[Christina]

Ken- I like the flow better on that, for sure!

Teri- I like the changes, especially the change from outside world to ordinary because to me, it doesn't get much more 'outside' than mountains and rivers! :)

[K.]

Ken wrote: "OMG, another blurb to look at! Thinking about changing the blurb on my latest book. The first is the original, the second is a new shortened version. Tell me what you think.

[bookcover:To Summo..."

I agree with Christina that both look great, and would tempt me to pick up the book. Maybe use both? The long one where you can, and the short one where you must?

[K.]

Teri wrote: "input-feedback...I've had a couple of authors helping with this (read: raking me-it over the coals from hell lol:)... Thought getting input from some outside eyes might be helpful:)

[bookcover:Caf..."

Anyway to restitch the words of the first and second paragraph together? "At 19, Wayra is coming into her power and ...." ?

[Teri]

K. wrote: "Teri wrote: "input-feedback...I've had a couple of authors helping with this (read: raking me-it over the coals from hell lol:)... Thought getting input from some outside eyes might be helpful:)

[..."

I thought that too. But I've also been warned re keeping paragraphs short...something about gnats and attention :))))

I'll take another look at it, might be I can balance them more evenly. although I also wondered if having the short paragraph might create impact...?

[Teri]

Christina wrote: "Ken- I like the flow better on that, for sure!

Teri- I like the changes, especially the change from outside world to ordinary because to me, it doesn't get much more 'outside' than mountains and r..."

Christina, agreed. And, I think the use of the word ordinary ties into the subtitle, more effectively. subtitle being: behind the veil of ordinary:)

I also tweaked "The two aspects intertwine and affect each other all the time. " changing all the time, to continuously. But I am not sure that is the exact word I want to use-- the better one, however, escapes me. No surprise there lol;)

[[deleted user]]

Thanks to all for your help. Now I have two blurbs to work with.