Sci-Fi, fantasy and speculative Indie Authors Review discussion
Blurb feedback thread
Here's mine. Can anyone give me their thoughts on it?
Nikolas Jasper was born into a family with a curse placed upon them hundreds of years ago. They were haunted by a being known as the Schwarzert, who appeared to spirit away the parents of the newest generation, with Nikolas being the last of his line. It was the bogeyman of their lineage, and it claimed not only his mother and father, but also that of his sister in all but blood, Lorene Amaranth.
Lorene swore vengeance after finding her father's corpse and watching her mother die of a curse that rotted her from the inside out, and took measures for the day the Schwarzert returned to claim Nikolas.
Things grow more complex when, a year later, Nikolas' former friend and lover, Rayne, ends ups being poisoned by the blood of a race of vampires long since driven extinct, the Nox-Cruor.
Can they find a cure while dealing with the threat of the Schwarzert? Or will Nikolas be forced to lose someone else he cares dearly about? One thing is for certain, sacrifices will be made, and what’s lost will never be regained.
Nikolas Jasper was born into a family with a curse placed upon them hundreds of years ago. They were haunted by a being known as the Schwarzert, who appeared to spirit away the parents of the newest generation, with Nikolas being the last of his line. It was the bogeyman of their lineage, and it claimed not only his mother and father, but also that of his sister in all but blood, Lorene Amaranth.
Lorene swore vengeance after finding her father's corpse and watching her mother die of a curse that rotted her from the inside out, and took measures for the day the Schwarzert returned to claim Nikolas.
Things grow more complex when, a year later, Nikolas' former friend and lover, Rayne, ends ups being poisoned by the blood of a race of vampires long since driven extinct, the Nox-Cruor.
Can they find a cure while dealing with the threat of the Schwarzert? Or will Nikolas be forced to lose someone else he cares dearly about? One thing is for certain, sacrifices will be made, and what’s lost will never be regained.
R. wrote: "Here's mine. Can anyone give me their thoughts on it?"Bearing in mind that this is work outside of what I usually read (so take with a grain of salt), I'd say that my main thought is this blurb lacks tension. It's a nice description of the basic premise, but it tends to be passive and reads a bit flat:
Nikolas Jasper was born into ...
They were haunted by ...
It was the bogeyman of ...
That's not a strong construction to use, particularly for 3 sentences in a row.
... , with Nikolas being the last of his line.
This seems important, but the way it's tacked on, it almost feels like an afterthought.
... ends up being poisoned ...
Sounds a little off-hand? Maybe just: "is poisoned"?
The third paragraph [introducing Rayne] caught me off guard, with the introduction of extinct vampires. It feels almost like a non sequitur.
A couple of points of confusion: "It was the bogeyman of their lineage, and it claimed not only his mother and father, but also that of his sister in all but blood, Lorene Amaranth."
What of Lorene's did it claim? From the next paragraph, "that" refers to Lorene's parents, but it threw me at first. So it seems that the curse effects Lorene's family as well (is it the same curse or a different one?), but I had to infer this.
I also got a little confused as to who's driving the action here: Nikolas seems to be the MC (from the introduction) but it's Lorene who's swearing vengeance and taking measures. What is Nikolas' role? Also, what is meant by "taking measures"? Is this something risky? Is she putting her life on the line for Nikolas, or did she just buy something nice to wear at his funeral? (Excuse the factious wording -- just an illustration of how broadly the term can be taken.)
This part distracted me some:
"...the blood of a race of vampires long since driven extinct..."
I wonder why there was the blood of extinct vampires lying about. Are the vampires really extinct?
The last paragraph is where the tension comes in. It works and it poses question effectively.
I don't like to make specific suggestions regarding a work I'm not familiar with, but I'd suggest making the language more active throughout. As examples, something more like:
The last of his line, Nikolas Jasper was born under a curse...
or
Born under an ancient curse, Nikolas Jasper is the last of his line...
I think it would help to clarify the roles of Nikolas, Lorene and Rayne (why is she "former"? Did they break up over the curse or something else?), and who's "leading" here. It also might help to include some hints as to what's going on with the vampire thing? It is related to the curse? It is a separate issue?
One nit (sorry -- I'm probably being overly analytic today): it says that the Schwarzert appears to spirit away the parents of the newest generation. Nikolas is the last of his line, therefore is not yet a parent? So is he under any personal threat before he has kids? Is this what is meant by Lorene taking measures for the "for the day" the Schwarzert returns to claim him? Presumably that is a ways in the future and thus not an immediate problem?
As I said, these are just my thoughts and I'm probably not a typical reader for your work, so take all of this with a grain of salt, but I hope some of it may help.
No, it's good insight. Part of the mystery is why he's being targeted early and that its going a roundabout way by using Rayne. All three have a role to play,so it shifts before 3rd person focus on them. I'll make some changes.
R. wrote: "No, it's good insight. Part of the mystery is why he's being targeted early and that its going a roundabout way by using Rayne. All three have a role to play,so it shifts before 3rd person focus on..."Gotcha. That makes things more intriguing. I think that would be a good point to emphasize -- it not only sounds key, but it also ties things together.
Is this better?
The last of his line, Nikolas Jasper was a theurgist who lost his parents to the Schwarzert, a bogeyman that stalked his family for centuries. It appeared every generation to haunt them and both his parents and the parents of his sister-figure, Lorene Amaranth, died trying to fight it off. Nikolas severed his ties with his girlfriend, Rayne Miller, after that in order to protect her from suffering the same fate.
However, it was meaningless in the end.
The Schwarzert returned only a year later and poisoned Rayne with the Nox-Cruor, blood containing the essence of an ancient race of vampires. The only hope of saving her before it took her humanity away completely was to find a cure within the Amaranth Vault, a place filled with magical artifacts taken from the world over. The only catch was that the location died with Lorene’s father, and the Schwarzert was still coming after him.
Why was the Schwarzert after him so soon? Could they find a cure while dealing with the looming threat of the Schwarzert? Or would Nikolas be forced to lose someone else he cared dearly about?
One thing was certain—sacrifices would be made, and what was lost would never be regained.
The last of his line, Nikolas Jasper was a theurgist who lost his parents to the Schwarzert, a bogeyman that stalked his family for centuries. It appeared every generation to haunt them and both his parents and the parents of his sister-figure, Lorene Amaranth, died trying to fight it off. Nikolas severed his ties with his girlfriend, Rayne Miller, after that in order to protect her from suffering the same fate.
However, it was meaningless in the end.
The Schwarzert returned only a year later and poisoned Rayne with the Nox-Cruor, blood containing the essence of an ancient race of vampires. The only hope of saving her before it took her humanity away completely was to find a cure within the Amaranth Vault, a place filled with magical artifacts taken from the world over. The only catch was that the location died with Lorene’s father, and the Schwarzert was still coming after him.
Why was the Schwarzert after him so soon? Could they find a cure while dealing with the looming threat of the Schwarzert? Or would Nikolas be forced to lose someone else he cared dearly about?
One thing was certain—sacrifices would be made, and what was lost would never be regained.
Mod
I actually prefer your first take and would suggest just making it a little more active. Maybe start with something more like this:
Born into a family with an ancient curse,Nikolas Jasper is the last in his line.
Obviously, I don't know the whole story, so my attempt at rewriting would likely be botched, but it sounds like you have a good story with a complex history. See what you can do to give us just enough to be intrigued.
Hi R,I like your blurb, but there are two concerns I have that are rather general:
1) Is it possible to cut it down? I know it's a lot of ground to cover, but it seems like it's quite long for a blurb.
2) Is it possible to cut down on the names and titles throughout the blurb? Readers won't remember who is who, and cutting down on who you talk about probably won't take away from the overall effect of the blurb.
I just "finished" the blurb for my current WIP, which is the third book in my steampunk/historical-fantasy series. I would appreciate any and all feedback, especially since blurbs seem to be the bane of my existence.After an uneventful wedding, Hadley and Eilian Sorrell should have foreseen the trouble waiting for them at Brasshurst Hall. Eilian wants nothing more than to leave England, but at the insistence of his mother, he and Hadley travel to his abandoned ancestral home to meet his tenants. They soon find the house and the quaint neighboring village are not what they seem.
Behind a mask of good manners and gentle breeding lurks a darker side of Folkesbury. As Eilian and Hadley struggle to fit in with the village’s genteel society, they find everyone is at the mercy of Randall Nash, a mysterious man who knows every secret and seemingly appears out of thin air.
When the village blackmailer turns up dead, the Sorrells find themselves entangled in murder, theft, and intrigue with the manor at the heart of it all. Something long thought lost and buried within Brasshurst’s history has been found—something worth killing for.
The gentle breeding part sounds like something I would expect from a romance novel for some reason.
Okay, third revision w/present tense and shorter and less names:
Being the last of his line, Nikolas Jasper broke up with his girlfriend in order to protect her. There was a bogeyman that stalked his bloodline, and it killed not only his parents, but those of his sister-figure as well when they tried to stop it. However, it was meaningless in the end.
The Schwarzert came back after only a year and poisoned her with blood containing the essence of an ancient race of vampires. The only hope of saving her before it took her humanity away is to find a cure within the Amaranth Vault, a place filled with magical artifacts taken from the world over. The only catch is that the location died with Lorene’s father, and the Schwarzert is still coming after him.
Why is the Schwarzert after him so soon? Can they find a cure while dealing with it? Or will Nikolas lose someone else he cares dearly about?
One thing is certain—sacrifices will be made, and what is lost will never be regained.
Being the last of his line, Nikolas Jasper broke up with his girlfriend in order to protect her. There was a bogeyman that stalked his bloodline, and it killed not only his parents, but those of his sister-figure as well when they tried to stop it. However, it was meaningless in the end.
The Schwarzert came back after only a year and poisoned her with blood containing the essence of an ancient race of vampires. The only hope of saving her before it took her humanity away is to find a cure within the Amaranth Vault, a place filled with magical artifacts taken from the world over. The only catch is that the location died with Lorene’s father, and the Schwarzert is still coming after him.
Why is the Schwarzert after him so soon? Can they find a cure while dealing with it? Or will Nikolas lose someone else he cares dearly about?
One thing is certain—sacrifices will be made, and what is lost will never be regained.
R. wrote: "Okay, third revision w/present tense and shorter and less names:"This one works much better for me. One nit: "... only hope of saving her before it took her..." I think that ought to be: "... it takes her..."?
Edit: since "taken" appears later in the sentence, maybe: "... steals her humanity is to..."?
Mod
Things to consider before reading: This is the third book in series, so characters and situations should be pretty well known to the reade, and it is supposed to be tongue in cheek as the series is somewhat humorous.
After a scuffle with his sister smashes the bottle he found at the antique store, Jem becomes the not-so-proud owner of a wise cracking djinn who promises to make his every dream come true. The cost? Nothing less than his soul. But Jem is no ordinary agent and falling to Chaos means bringing about the end of the world.
Meanwhile, Desmond discovers that a crack in the barrier between realms has opened below the site of the old paper mill and grows wider each day. The team seeks the help of a powerful, yet antisocial mystic, but before he can help, he must reconcile his own paradoxical problems.
One way or another, it seems Blackbird is going to become the battleground in the final fight for Order. The only question now is, how soon will that be?
After getting the sneak peek you let me have, Christina, this is a start, but not quite enough. How about something like:
When disaster strikes, it never comes alone. The rivalry between Jem and Nai shatters a bottle to release one element - a djinn determined to turn Jem to Chaos. An antisocial mystic who does his job too well who captures Desmond's attention because of the void it leaves. The arrival of an unexpected guest that makes Bogie realize his true allegiances.
Now, what's for lunch/dinner? Because all of this must be solved before the Big Royal Burger opens in town.
Mod
While I did want to work something about the burger joint into the blurb, I think what you have there is just a tad more dramatic than the story itself.
David,
Blame Goodreads for weird script that doesn't recognize tablet or phone use. No autocorrect and typos abound on touch screens.
Christina,I never claimed to be any good, since I tend to wind up with a snort novel to describe the book, myself. Just a suggestion for a new angle.
Snort novel. New genre? Or autocorrect reaches a new level?
Ken, just scroll back through this thread and look for the posts that take up a page. If it's asking for help, I'd be willing to bet it's mine. I'm still struggling to learn how to write less than an encyclopedia for an answer.
Mod
Truth be told, what I want to write is this:
Look, this is the third in a series, if you've made it this far, why are you even reafing this?
But that might now fly. ;)
::Chuckles:: Yeah, somehow I don't think that would work. Though, I like it as the last line in the blurb. Might bring about some chuckles, at least.
Hmm... re-reading the suggestion, and your reply, Christina I think I see what I did wrong. Maybe change that last sentence to:
Now, what's for lunch/dinner? Because the new burger joint is supposed to help calm things down.
Mod
One way or another, it seems Blackbird is going to become the battleground in the final fight for Order. The only question now is, will they survive long enough to see the openjng of the highly anticipated Big Royal Burger?
Dunno... I might want to keep that part under wraps as well.
I think it's the "meanwhile" that's the stumbling block. It really kills the pace of the blurb, and lessens the impact of the unwanted djinn that just arrived in town.
I have stumbled onto some slight changes that may help:
While scuffling with his sister Jem smashes the bottle he found at the antique store. That makes him the not-so-proud owner of a wise cracking djinn who promises to make his every dream come true. The cost? Nothing less than his soul. But Jem is no ordinary agent and falling to Chaos means bringing about the end of the world.
Desmond has also been busy, and discovers that a crack in the barrier between realms has opened below the site of the old paper mill, and it's growing wider each day. The team seeks the aid of a powerful, yet antisocial mystic, but before he can help, he must reconcile his own paradoxical problems.
One way or another, it seems Blackbird is going to become the battleground in the final fight for Order. But the most critical question is how soon will that be.
While scuffling with his sister Jem smashes the bottle he found at the antique store. That makes him the not-so-proud owner of a wise cracking djinn who promises to make his every dream come true. The cost? Nothing less than his soul. But Jem is no ordinary agent and falling to Chaos means bringing about the end of the world.
Desmond has also been busy, and discovers that a crack in the barrier between realms has opened below the site of the old paper mill, and it's growing wider each day. The team seeks the aid of a powerful, yet antisocial mystic, but before he can help, he must reconcile his own paradoxical problems.
One way or another, it seems Blackbird is going to become the battleground in the final fight for Order. But the most critical question is how soon will that be.
Mod
where's Owen's two cents? He's usually good about breaking a blurb down, and picking the important bits (and phrases) out.
A few thoughts and suggestions.I don't think it's safe to assume that someone looking at it has read previous books and knows the characters.
You might want to slip something in about who Jem is to clarify. Similarly with Desmond.
The crack is below the paper mill - why is that significant? Maybe put something about a consequence?
Here's an attempt to address those.
Sibling rivalry is never pretty, and when two
halves of a split soul Jem and Nai fight you know
the results are bound to end, literally, in Chaos. Jem is left dealing with a wise cracking Jinn released from a magic bottle who promises to make his every dream come true for a small cost; his very soul.
Meanwhile, Desmond the warrior, has discovered a crack in the barrier between realms has opened below the site of the old paper mill and is getting wider each day, threatening to ruin the quality of Playspirit magazine (insert book related consequence).
The town of Blackbird is about to become the battleground in the final fight between Order and Chaos. The only question now is, will that be before lunch?
To be honest I actually thought the original looked pretty damn good. If I'd come up with that on my first attempt I'd be very happy. Hell if it was my TENTH attempt I'd be happy. My comment about the 'r' was just me being oblique...
So I'm a wise guy? Does that mean I need to break my nose and talk like-a-dat?
Mod
The problem is, there isn't really any sibling rivalry and nearly anything I say about the djinn or any of the characters I failed to mention would be a spoiler. I think I'm going to add something about the burger joint though, for sure.
How about modifying the "sibling rivalry" into "When sparks fly between the light and dark halves of a split soul such as Jem and Nai" ? That leaves the field wide open for interpretation.
Mod
Did somebody ring? ;-) Given I haven't read the book, I may be somewhat off-base but I'll chime in anyway. Overall, I like it and I think it works pretty well. Conditional on things I don't know, here are a few thoughts.
After a scuffle with his sister smashes the bottle he found at the antique store, Jem becomes the not-so-proud owner of a wise cracking djinn who promises to make his every dream come true. The cost? Nothing less than his soul. But Jem is no ordinary agent and falling to Chaos means bringing about the end of the world.
Just to clarify: The cost (his soul) is only collected if he gives into temptation? If so, then: giving in = falling to Chaos = the end of the world?
If that's right, then maybe the linkage could be clearer? How important is the phrase "falling to Chaos"? If it's a good bet readers know who Jem is, that he's an agent who is not ordinary, and Chaos is the problem, then that can be condensed to something like: "... Jem becomes the not-so-proud owner of a wise cracking djinn who promises to make his every dream come true. There's a hitch, of course (<= replace with clever phrase): succumbing to temptation will cost him is soul and bring about the end of the world. (You could even do without "cost him is soul", if you want to make this shorter, I suppose. That's the vehicle for ending the world, but it might not be critical to mention it? I have no strong opinion either way.)
If it's key to mention Chaos, then maybe the above could be modified to: "There's a hitch, of course: the djinn is allied with Chaos and Jem's succumbing to temptation ..." I'm assuming the djinn is an ally or agent of Chaos here, which I infer from the blurb.
If readers are not aware of what's going on, I think this still works, because I (for example) don't know what "agent" means in this context (ordinary or no), or what's up with Chaos (clearly a proper noun), so what really matters to me here is that Jem is mixed up with a djinn, and things will be bad if he gives in. That's enough for me.
Meanwhile, Desmond discovers that a crack in the barrier between realms has opened below the site of the old paper mill and grows wider each day. The team seeks the help of a powerful, yet antisocial mystic, but before he can help, he must reconcile his own paradoxical problems.
I suppose readers will know who the team is. I find that a little jarring, but no biggee. The rest of the sentence strikes me as a bit "passive". Can it be recast as a question, maybe? Something more like: "A powerful and antisocial mystic who's been (gadding about) might be able to help with (this small issue), but can he reconcile his own paradoxical problems in time to do any good?"
BTW: I'd prefer to delete "antisocial" because I'm not clear on what it adds to the blurb. His being antisocial implies they'll have trouble getting a hold him; his personal issues imply he might not be able to do any good when/if they do. Which dominates? It would seem the latter does? If so, that fact that he's antisocial is minor; it would not appear an important thing to convey, and the sentence has more punch without it.
One way or another, it seems Blackbird is going to become the battleground in the final fight for Order. The only question now is, how soon will that be?
I might suggest shortening that last line to: The only question now is, when? But I like it as it is, too.
Can't be of much help with the burger-joint issue, I'm afraid.
Mod
After a scuffle with his sister smashes the bottle he found at the antique store, Jem becomes the not-so-proud owner of a wisecracking djinn who promises to make his every dream come true. The cost? Nothing less than his soul. But Jem is no ordinary agent and falling to Chaos means bringing about the end of the world.
Meanwhile, Desmond discovers that a crack in the barrier between realms has opened below the site of the old paper mill and grows wider each day. The solution to both problems may lie with Eller Raglund, a powerful, yet antisocial mystic. But before he can help, Eller must reconcile his own paradoxical problems.
One way or another, it seems Blackbird is going to become the battleground in the final fight for Order. The question is, how soon? And more importantly, will the gang survive long enough to see the grand opening of Big Royal Burger?
I'm trying to bash my way through the blurb for the first book of the Harmonic Magic Series, which also happens to be my first book. Any tips, corrections, or suggestions would be appreciated.Sam Sharp has never been what people would call sociable. Since his father’s death when Sam was very young, he has made it a point to be self-sufficient and solitary. When he finds himself transported to a world that is completely different from his home, yet strangely familiar, he is forced to seek help from others. He soon learns that in this primitive and savage world, a powerful form of energy exists, one based on vibrations. Can he learn to use it to make his way back home?
Now, with the aid of a few friends—a warrior, a scholar, a monk, and a telepathic creature—Sam must learn things he has never known, do things he has never done, become what he never thought he could be. He must do all of this to prepare for a confrontation with the Gray Man, a powerful vibrational energy user who is bent on ruling the world, and who may be the only person in this world with the secret to going home. Having little time, doing his best to evade agents of the Gray Man, he must transform himself for the battle to come, a battle that will determine if he will return to his own world or die in this strange new one.
Too long, too general, too boring? Help please! Thanks much.
Mod
The first paragraph looks good to me. There is some slight awkwardness in the second sentence, but I can't think of a better way to express what you are saying; that his father died when Sam was young.
The second paragraph though, strays into too much and may lose the readers. I would try to cut down most everything after the first sentence and condense it into one or two more sentences about the possibility of an enemy, but then I would take the question from the first paragraph and end on that.
Since Sam's father died when Sam was very young, he has made it a...?
Christina wrote: "Hi Eric!The first paragraph looks good to me. There is some slight awkwardness in the second sentence, but I can't think of a better way to express what you are saying; that his father died when S..."
Thanks, Christina. I'll mull it over and try to figure out some better wording for the second paragraph, and work on the second sentence in the first paragraph, too. Maybe something like "The death of his father when Sam was very young caused him to become solitary and self-sufficient"...
Christina wrote: "Thanks Owen! This is what I ultimately went with. Only a few small tweaks from the original, but it seems to work:..."Very good! And I'm glad to see that your work is addressing the questions that really matter. ;-D
(Y'know, there seems to be a bad pun lurking there in the juxtaposition of a fight for Order and the grand opening of Big Royal Burger.)
Eric wrote: "I'm trying to bash my way through the blurb for the first book of the Harmonic Magic Series, which also happens to be my first book. Any tips, corrections, or suggestions would be appreciated."I tend to agree with Christina. The second paragraph does meander. I think it says too much, and does not really entice the reader. I'd try to condense it to the key elements, and as she says, end with the question.
In doing so, I suggest focusing on what makes your story unique. The problem with saying things like: "a powerful vibrational energy user who is bent on ruling the world," is that this describes a lot of villains in this genre. The second point -- that his main adversary is also the key to his "salvation" -- introduces a more interesting tension.
Also I was a little tripped up by this: "he has made it a point to be self-sufficient and solitary" and then this: "Now, with the aid of a few friends..." Where did he get the friends? Was it hard for him? Is overcoming his penchant to be antisocial a significant part of the story? If so, that might deserve a mention.
Mod
With djinn and a character named Bogie, I tried so hard to wedge a 'djinn joint' joke in there, but alas, failure.
Of all the djinn joints in all the worlds, you had to open an interdimensional crack into mine...
Christina wrote: "With djinn and a character named Bogie, I tried so hard to wedge a 'djinn joint' joke in there, but alas, failure..."LOL! Well, there's honor in the attempt.
"Of all the djinn joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine." Somebody's gotta start a story that way... : )
Owen wrote: "Eric wrote: "I'm trying to bash my way through the blurb for the first book of the Harmonic Magic Series, which also happens to be my first book. Any tips, corrections, or suggestions would be appr..."Thanks, Owen. Too much info in one part, not enough in the other. Yes, the solitary/self-sufficient quality is a big deal in the story. I see what you mean, though. I'll take a crack at it again in the morning.
Is this a little better?Sam Sharp has never been what people would call sociable. Affected profoundly by his father’s death when Sam was very young, he developed into a solitary and self-sufficient person. When he finds himself transported to a world that is completely different from his home, yet strangely familiar, he is forced to seek help from denizens of this new world, Gythe. Sam’s nature wars with his need to rely on strangers he meets—a warrior, a scholar, a monk, and a telepathic creature—to help him find a way back to his own world.
When Sam learns of the peculiar vibrational energy that exists in Gythe, an energy for which he seems to have an affinity, he realizes it as his only chance for going home. But there is only one person who may have the knowledge to help him. That person is the Gray Man, a tyrant who is a vibrational energy master and has plans to rule the world, and who reportedly is from another world himself. Can Sam trust others to help him and to prepare him for the ultimate confrontation with the Gray Man, to learn the secrets of this mysterious adversary? If so, will he even be capable of using the vibrational energy himself to return home, or will he die in this strange new world?
Mod
Sam Sharp has never been what people would call sociable. Affected profoundly by his father’s death when Sam was very young, he developed into a solitary and self-sufficient person. When he finds himself transported to Gythe, a world that is completely different from his home, yet strangely familiar, he is forced to seek help. Sam’s nature wars with his need to rely on the strangers he meets—a warrior, a scholar, a monk, and a telepathic creature—to help him find a way back to his own world.
When Sam finds that he has an affinity for the peculiar vibrational energy that exists in Gythe, he realizes it as his only chance for going home. But there is only one person who may have the knowledge to help him:the Gray Man, a tyrannical vibrational energy master with plans to rule the world. Can Sam trust others to help him and to prepare him for the ultimate confrontation with the Gray Man, to learn the secrets of this mysterious adversary? If so, will he even be capable of using the vibrational energy himself to return home, or will he die in this strange new world?
Christina wrote: "I think you're on the right path! I just have a few suggestions for tightening ot a bit:Sam Sharp has never been what people would call sociable. Affected profoundly by his father’s death when S..."
I like it, Christina, thank you. Thank Howard for you and the rest of the group!
Eric wrote: "Is this a little better?"Yes, I think so. I like Christina's suggestions, too. In "...one person who may have the knowledge to help him. That person is the Gray Man..." repeating "That person is" doesn't add anything.
This addition: "... and who reportedly is from another world himself" sounds weak, especially the qualification "reportedly". If it's really important to say that, maybe simply say "who may be from another world himself."
Owen wrote: "Eric wrote: "Is this a little better?"Yes, I think so. I like Christina's suggestions, too. In "...one person who may have the knowledge to help him. That person is the Gray Man..." repeating "Th..."
It's important in the story that he's from another world, but I don't think it's important enough to be in the blurb. I agree with you and Christina that it should be left out. Thanks!
Sci-Fi, fantasy and speculative Indie Authors...
Books mentioned in this topic
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This is for Independence, a 6000 word short story. My biggest problem was avoiding spoilers!