Blurb feedback thread

[Owen]

Christina wrote: "Tanks, Owen. So then, for the second part, I would lead into the next paragraph with her conviction tested. Is the boy a ghost ot just really pale? I would call him a mysterious figure since he jus..."

The part with the "young boy" is a bit complicated. He is sort of an apparition, in the sense he's your basic "magical being" with the ability to appear where he likes, within certain limits. So there may a better way to capture that in few words. And agree with breaking up the sentence. Will think about the abrupt ending issue.

[Christina]

K. wrote: "Akantheldama is with him at the start of this installment, Raonal has already stolen from him (and royally ticked him off in the process.) Celecanepo comes in a bit later through an unwise agreement, and Beslynx... She's captured, I just haven't managed to pin down exactly how yet."

Okay, so what I would add is a sentence saying that he is joined by a strange/unusual/ecclectic/etc cast of characters and then list them out. The cast list just sort of seemed to hang out there without much preamble to me.

[K.]

Christina, that makes sense.

With changes, it would read:

Nameless has lost nearly everything, and must start again, far from the land of his birth. With his trainer, he searches for potential Silks he can take back to reclaim his lost prestige.

His fighter's develop around an unusual group of captured Silks:

Akantheldama - the mentally unstable vampire trainer who sees things about his future she cannot tell.
Raonal - A wolf shifting pukah with the misfortune to try to pick the wrong pockets
Celecanepo - A Guardian fallen on hard times with one last chance to prove she is capable of protecting her charges.
Beslynx - the werecat driven out of the Mistwalker pack for her feline form

Nameless's single-minded search leads him to the edge of sanity where he is tempered and forged into a new force. But is he a force of balance, or a force of chaos?

[Christina]

That makes it clearer now. :)

[[deleted user]]

I'm having a problem understanding this sentence: "His fighter's develop around an unusual group of captured Silks:" "fighter's" is a possessive. Is that a typo? Or, taking a wild guess here, would this be the correct sentence? "His fighting skills develop around an unusual group of captured Silks:"

[K.]

Ken,
Yeah, that's a typo. Apostrophes, quotes and caps have been sneaking through my fingers for some reason. Thanks for catching that.

[Imowen]

K. wrote: "Out of the Darkness:
Nameless, a slave-born pukah has fate stacked against him. He was born to fight, trained to win, and conditioned to survive in the Arena. He won his way to freedom, then fate b..."

This a home run! I would pick this book up fast and here's why. It's different and indulge in psychological war of the self, betwixt learning how to survive in a 'free' environment. From the blunt blurb this immediately tells me the character is unpredictable in this stage of his life. Either he will succeed and stay loyal to himself? Or will he be cut up once again in the ugly society he wants to change...It's all in the green to me.

[Christina]

Rob wrote: "When hyper-intelligent mathematician David is forced to confront his own mortality, his coveted manuscript on the ‘Proof of absence paradox’ threatens to die with him. Desperate to salvage his life’s work, he realizes that his exceptional mentee and protégé, Naila, could hold the key to the salvation of his manuscript and theorem—but their strained relationship may not allow for that.

Consumed by doubt and plunged into a bewildering darkness, David is offered a glimpse into a vast interconnectedness, the likes of which outstretch his human comprehension and challenge his theorem. As nature, faith and science intertwine, David gains insights which transport him far beyond his original manuscript."

Hi Rob, there's a few words I would trim. First, is it necessary to name the manuscript and does David have a last name? Is he confronting mortality in that he fears death or that he fears the death of his theorem? If it's the latter, I would not use confronting mortality, but rather faces death and focus on the fear that his work will fade into obscurity.
Naila has far too many descriptors in front of his/her name. Also, "may not allow for that" is a bit wishy washy. The second paragraph seems fine.

[K.]

Imowen wrote: "K. wrote: "Out of the Darkness:
Nameless, a slave-born pukah has fate stacked against him. He was born to fight, trained to win, and conditioned to survive in the Arena. He won his way to freedom, ..."

Thanks Imowen. For once the book blurb didn't try to morph into a series blurb. I wasn't sure if the brevity worked on this one. So, your words are making me smile.

[Tom]

I would love to get some feedback on the blurb for my next book, coming out soon. The book is titled A Whisper In The Shadows and is the first book of a new series called The Rangers of Laerean.

"The Rangers of Laerean are the legendary protectors of the lands of men in the world of Hir. The tales of the heroes of Hir are full of adventure and wonder, and many young boys and girls dream of becoming Rangers as they grow up hearing of the exciting tales and feats of these famed men and women.

Ranger Baric is assigned to a simple rescue mission, but soon finds it is far more than he was initially led to believe. A young Vaar'da woman, an assassin named Whisper, leads Baric on a quest that becomes far more than what it started out to be. Soon, Baric finds himself on a mission that will determine the fate of all life in the Lands of Hir, as he learns more about her compelling past and more about her nightmares of ... A Whisper In The Shadows."

All feedback is welcome. Thanks.

[Christina]

Hi Tom. I like the first paragraph as an introduction to the world. Is this an overview of the series? The second is good as well, but the line "A young Vaar'da woman, an assassin named Whisper" seems like too many descriptives. I would just go with a young assassin and not name her. Especially since the last line makes it sound like her nightmare is of herself in the shadows.

[Owen]

Tom,

I also like the first paragraph. In the second, "Ranger Baric" sounds a little clunky to me, and the clause is that "unexpectedly, our hero learns..." line. I'd be tempted to shorten it to something like: "Baric is a ranger assigned what he thought/was led to believe/ was a simple rescue mission."

I like introducing Whispers' name, but the lead-in is long. Why is she leading he on a quest? Is he teamed with her? Did he meet on the road? Pick her up in a tavern for a frolic? ;-)

If so, I'd suggest something like: "Teamed [or insert appropriate term] with Whisper, a young Vaar'da assassin, Baric is led/she leads Baric/ on a quest... " Or something, just to make it sound a little less passive.

One point of confusion for me: "Soon, Baric finds himself on a mission that will determine the fate of all life in the Lands of Hir, as he learns more about her compelling past and more about her nightmares..." At first blush this struck me as two issues: a mission that will determine the fate of Hir, and Whisper's past and nightmares. The "as" connects them causally, so is her past key to the fate of Hir? If so, I might reverse the order: "As he learns more about..., he discovers he/they [not sure of her role] are on a mission that will...]

I like the "A Whisper In The Shadows" in that end, but the construction is a little confusing, as Christina noted. Since the woman's name is Whisper, may I assume there's a connection? If so, I would emphasize it in the last line. Not knowing the story, I can't make a real suggestion, but being melodramatic by way of example: "Has Baric staked his life, the Universe, and Everything, on a young woman who may be no more than ... A Whisper In The Shadows?"

Forgive the liberties and I hope that's of some help.

[Andrea]

I feel like this could be punchier. Right now there's some repetition going on, and you've got such a short space that you need to make every word count. The first paragraph mentions the qualities of the tales of the Rangers 2x, and the 2nd time doesn't break any new ground (adventure, wonder, exciting, feats...). Lots of proper nouns, which can get confusing.

You can trim: "The Rangers of Laerean are the legendary protectors of the lands of men. Tales of the Rangers are full of adventure and wonder, and many young boys and girls dream of growing up to become one."

Needs a smoother segue from first to second paragraph, I think. Did Barric once dream of becoming a Ranger, and now that he is, he's first assigned to a simple rescue mission?

Second paragraph repeats the phrase about something being more than it initially seems to be. I think there needs to be more actual substance in this paragraph. What's the initial quest that Whisper leads him on? Can you drop a detail or two so we know what makes your story unique?

"Soon, Baric finds himself on a mission that will..."

This is a passive structure. Can you give Barric more agency? Right now he's just following this lady and finding himself in a situation where he's set up to save the world. Can he be more proactive? Does he make a choice to follow her? To save her? To spare her life? Just something that shows Barric acting on the plot instead of the other way around.

Hope this helps!

[Tom]

The first paragraph is indeed an overview of the series. Thanks for all this feedback. Very helpful. I revised the blurb based on these recommendations.

"The Rangers of Laerean are the legendary protectors of the lands of men in the world of Hir, and their tales of adventure are told to many young boys and girls as they grow up. The Rangers have a long history and a steadfast code of conduct that makes them heroes among the people and idols of the young.

Baric is a ranger assigned to a mission of rescue in the company of a female Vaar'da, but he soon finds that the mission is not what she led the Rangers to believe. Agreeing to help the exotic and lovely assassin, Baric soon finds himself on a quest that will determine the fate of all life in the Lands of Hir, as together they learn more of her obscure past and more about her nightmares of ... A Whisper In The Shadows."

Note: At the time of the story, Baric has been a Ranger for 4 years and is one of their best. Future stories will be about him, for the most part, but may also be about other Rangers, which are met in this first novel. I have a blog up on my site called, The Ranger Archives, which provide lore and history for the world. http://tomfallwell.com/Archives

Further comments? I really appreciate the feedback and assistance. Thanks to you all.

[K.]

Tom,
It's looking much better. There's still a few sentences that can streamline, but overall it's starting to get much more punch.

First paragraph is OK, though still having trouble hooking me in. Not sure exactly why, though I think it's that first sentence. If feels a little awkward.

Second paragraph my first impression is the first sentence needs to lose a bit of weight. Maybe something like:

"Baric, a ranger, is assigned to an unusual rescue mission with a female Vaar'da. Agreeing to help the exotic assassin, Baric soon finds himself with the key decision for the fate Hir in his hands as they learn more about the nightmarish past of .... A Whisper In The Shadows."

Not sure if that's the direction you're heading, just my suggestion.

[K.]

I'm still trying to figure out how to upload and/or embed a video, but since trailers are a visual blurb, I'm going to insert it for comments/suggestions. Unless there's a trailer thread? If so, please point me at it.

The trailer can be found on my FB page here:
http://ow.ly/K50ny

Thanks so much for the input.

[Richard]

Orphaned - misspelt on the first slide, K. Many a librarian will be put off by that. Not sure about the kids...

[Tom]

I reduced it to one paragraph. Maybe I was trying to put too much in there. How about the following.

"Raimerestha is an assassin from an exotic and lofty race called the Vaar'da, and she needs help. Baric, one of the famed Ranger's of Laerean, agrees to help her find out the meaning of her nightmarish dreams, but he soon finds they are more than just dreams, and that the mystery of her past holds the key to her survival. What they discover evolves into a threat to the entire world, a threat that could destroy everything, as they struggle to find the meaning of ... A Whisper In The Shadows."

[K.]

Richard wrote: "Orphaned - misspelt on the first slide, K. Many a librarian will be put off by that. Not sure about the kids..."

Corrected. Thanks, Richard. I've held off uploading to youtube until I have it as polished as possible, because I've heard its a nightmare to get video uploaded.

[K.]

Tom wrote: "I reduced it to one paragraph. Maybe I was trying to put too much in there. How about the following.

"Raimerestha is an assassin from an exotic and lofty race called the Vaar'da, and she needs hel..."

Tom, which age group is your book targeting? If it's YA, then I'd leave the first paragraph and see if you can't tighten it up. At least, in my opinion.

With the pull you're making on the racial characteristics in the blurb - "lofty" "exotic" "lovely" - are the racial characteristics an unheard character of the story (like a culture or environment)?

[Tom]

I am not specifically targeting YA, though that age group might enjoy the story. There is nothing considered ADULT in the story.

The story deals with prejudices, not as the main plot, but as a theme. Her race is non-human, and in general consider themselves superior to other races. I am not using the word "lovely", as I figured "exotic" implies that. She is exotic to Baric, who is human. The lofty indicates her intitial attitude.

Too many adjectives?

Thanks for your feedback.

[K.]

To help draw in the younger group, leave the first paragraph. I think I spotted where I slipped the hook too. You refer to the wold of Hir and then in the next sentence Lands of Hir. I'm a wiggly one, so that threw me off.

As for the adjectives - I'm a lousy judge for that. I like them, and am well known for over using. Though, probably consolidating wouldn't cause a problem. Maybe shift to "exotic and condescending"? Lofty brings to mind physical height, not snootiness to my mind. But, others may have a better opinion on that word choice.

[Tom]

Good points. Thanks. I will work on it some more. I appreciate your feedback.

[Owen]

Tom wrote: "Raimerestha is an assassin from an exotic and lofty race called the Vaar'da, and she needs hel..."

I abuse adjectives all the time as well, I'm afraid, but "from an exotic and lofty race called the Vaar'da" seems like a mouthful. Why not: "Raimerestha, an exotic Vaar'da assassin, ..."

If that lacks the proper tone, I think it's the phrase "called the Vaar'da" that throws me. I think "a member of the exotic Vaar'da race..." would read better.

I'd leave out "lofty" as it seems a bit vague and confusing. If you could apply to her feelings specifically later on, that could work.

[Tom]

Thanks for all the assistance.

[K.]

Feel free to thump me upside the head. Going back to the blurb on Out of the Darkness. Trying a different track with it.

Old Blurb:

Nameless, a slave-born pukah has fate stacked against him. He was born to fight, trained to win, conditioned to survive in the Arena. He wins his way to freedom, which brings chaos into his life. Struggling to learn how to survive as a free man, he finds himself taking on a personal war against the culture that created him. In this dark fantastical world of bloody gladiatorial combat, personal gain at all costs, and rulership by the most cunning, Nameless must find a way to honor his dedication to his goddess, honor his oaths to himself, and find a way to survive long enough to discover himself.

New Blurb:

Gladiators - slaves born to fight for the entertainment of others.
Nameless - a slave-born pukah trained for the Arenas.
Freedom - a state that only one per cycle will achieve.
Survival - The game played between the gladiators, the wish of the freemen. The arena of battle is different, but the stakes are the same. Win, and you live another day. Lose, and you die.
When these forces collide, Nameless finds himself on a journey that takes him from the Arenas out past the walls where his obedience to orders brings him into conflict with the society that expects him to be just as power hungry as they are. Will he be able to find a way to survive, or will he find himself crushed in the middle?

Opinions?

[Jamie]

I absolutely recommend the short e-book Gotta Read It, on writing your book descriptions, by Indie Historical Fiction & Paranormal author Libbie Hawker (+ pen names). It's only $1 or so, and invaluable.

[Christina]

K. wrote: "Feel free to thump me upside the head. Going back to the blurb on Out of the Darkness. Trying a different track with it.

Old Blurb:

Nameless, a slave-born pukah has fate stacked against him. H..."

Definitely punchy, and now the third 'list' style blurb I've run across recently. Is this a new trend?
The paragraph after the list, however, is just two sentences, one of which can be cut down and made into two at least.

[K.]

Jamie,

Thanks for the reference. Will pick it up.

Christina,

It seemed that my other list style blurb had some good feed back, so I thought I'd get some opinions on reworking the blurb for Darkness into a similar style.

[Christina]

Make that fourth then. I forgot about your other one. ;)

[K.]

Christina wrote: "Make that fourth then. I forgot about your other one. ;)"

I think the list just got shot down. One of the author groups on FB asked if there was a way to make the definition list a paragraph.

[K.]

I've got a blurb I'm happy with now through one of the FB author's groups. 4 hours of discussions back and fourth, to finally get one with a hard punch, enough teeth, and yet not give away everything.

He is called Nameless. Born to fight in the Arena, he has won his way to freedom. In a bloody world where cunning and strength count for all, and personal gain is everything, he finds that freedom is even more chaotic than slavery. Bound to honor oaths both to Goddess and self, he must fight a war against the culture that spawned him to strike his own path.

[Julia]

Hi everyone! I will probably get some input from my publisher nearer to the time, but what does everyone think of the blurb I wrote for GoodReads? I think it could possibly use some tweaking:

Sixteen-year-old Mnemba is one of the best safari guides in Nazwimbe. She tracks down grootslangs and griffins with ease but when she’s assigned to a Unicorn Naturalist, she's unprepared to lead an expert. Worse, when Mr. Harving arrives, Mnemba's even less prepared to cope with her forbidden attraction to his daughter, Kara.

When a manticore attack leaves Mr. Harving bed bound, Mnemba and Kara venture into the wilderness alone. Together they uncover a pile of discarded unicorn horns and a plot by a powerful gang of poachers to enslave the beautiful creatures, harnessing their supernatural strength to build a railway. Using their new iron highway, the poachers plan to bring foreign weapons and overthrow Nazwimbe’s peacekeeping General. To stop the gang, Mnemba and Kara must free the unicorns and steal the moonstone that binds them in servitude, while avoiding capture themselves and struggling not to fall in love.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2...

[Richard]

That looks great to me, Julia. Your first paragraph is probably enough for most purposes: you've established the setting and the age range, populated the world with creatures, and started up the love interest. Not sure about the caps on Unicorn Naturalist, though.

[Jamie]

Julia, the first paragraph works. so does some variation of the first sentence of the second, then you go into way too much plot/spoilers. Just hook it with what changes and the stakes and the reader should be good to go.

[Christina]

To be honest, I don't think the second paragraph is too spoilerish, just a bit wordy. If you can trim it down it works.
What sticks out to me is the last bit about struggling not to fall in love. Maybe you can say 'ignore their feeling for one another' or something similar, but you already have the forbidden love aspect in the first paragraph, so it isn't needed.

[Julia]

Here is my go at cutting it down:

Sixteen-year-old Mnemba is one of the best safari guides in Nazwimbe. She tracks down grootslangs and griffins with ease but when she’s assigned to a unicorn naturalist, she's unprepared to lead an expert. Worse, when Mr. Harving arrives, Mnemba can't cope with her forbidden attraction to his daughter, Kara.

When a manticore attack leaves Mr. Harving bed bound, Mnemba and Kara venture into the wilderness alone. Together they uncover a plot by a powerful gang of poachers to enslave the beautiful unicorns, harnessing their supernatural strength to build a railway. To stop the gang, Mnemba and Kara must free the unicorns and steal the moonstone that binds them in servitude, while avoiding capture themselves and struggling not to fall in love.

[Julia]

Sorry Christina, I had that ready to post before I actually read what you'd written! I will probably edit the last line again.

[Owen]

First of all, allow me to report that the feedback we received on a blurb I previously posted here appears to have gotten positives results: a novel that heretofore was difficult to generate any interest in is now getting some attention; it's even selling a few copies, and just got its first horrified review from an "unsuspecting" reader -- always a good sign of increased market penetration. Many thanks to all who helped!

So here is the next offering for a new (and as yet untitled) project we are embarking on. Sharpen your knives! : )
***
Two years ago, twenty-year-old Lieutenant Minerva Lewis was one of the most promising young officers in the CEF Marine Corps. Then a terrible thing happened: peace. Now, after one too many boredom-fueled incidents, she’s been exiled to a backwater planet where the most exciting part of her day is watching for twenty-foot-long fur-bearing centipedes.

That is, until a boatload of slavers elected to stash a few hundred captives somewhere in the trackless delta that is Min’s new home. Granted release from interminable centipede patrols and given twenty-five volunteers to try to find and rescue the captives, Min has no idea what she is (literally) wading into. She might be up against dozens of bad guys—or hundreds. She won’t get any support from a CO who will call it a win whether she comes back or not. Deep in the muck of this fetid hellhole, she can’t rely on all the fancy gadgets and snazzy assets of modern warfare.

To save these people (and maybe her career), Min will have to rely on her grit, her creativity, and some cheek. Or maybe a lot of cheek . . .
***

[K.]

First thought - ummm... WTF?

Not a lot of teeth, with a light punch. The first two sentences are attention grabbing, then it just fades away. The second read through popped up the following:

paragraph one
Lieutenant Minerva Lewis, officer and Marine Corps (who, or what, is the CEF?) with too much time on her hands. She gets in trouble, and is sent away.

paragraph two
Bored, slaver's captives, problem.

paragraph three
stakes - the captives (what happens if she fails?) her career (?? this kind of comes out of left field, but that's fine, that's what the story is there for.) and the tools available to make this happen.

Overall, it comes across as a light, tongue-in-cheek type read. Which way do you want to go with it? Something more serious, or is it supposed to be more tongue-in-cheek?

[Owen]

K. wrote: "First thought - ummm... WTF?

Not a lot of teeth, with a light punch. The first two sentences are attention grabbing, then it just fades away. The second read through popped up the following: ..."

Always a good first thought. ;-)

A brief clarification (sort of): This story is intended to introduce a spinoff series from our current series. (The MC is a major character in our latest book and some readers requested she get her own series, so we're giving her one.) Therefore, the market is (probably?) people who are already familiar with our books. So this blurb assumes most interested parties will already know that the CEF is the Colonial Expeditionary Forces, which belongs to the Nereidian League, which is a...

If we are wrong in this assumption, then the question become whether explain (bad idea, I suspect) or cut, which leaves out the who/what entirely. Unsure which is better.

As for the light, tongue-in-cheek aspect: yes, compared to our other work, this lighter story and there is bit of a tongue-in-cheek flavor to it (although the story was inspired by an actual historical event). The tension between the more serious aspect of trying to rescue a few hundred people and the "hey, wanna go bash around in the weeds?" tone is significant question for us.

As for the consequences of failure, would that help? (No, this isn't an "earth-shattering kaboom" story.) We worried that would mean introducing too much backstory, and there is the sample to fall back on (and we'll be offering this for free as much as we can -- maybe I should have that).

So if the WTF reaction gets people to read the sample or download the story when it's free, then the goal is accomplished. If it makes people's eyes cross and move on (assuming they'd otherwise be interested), not so much.

Thanks!

[K.]

I'd see if you can't add a few more teeth to it. With the story intended to have a lighter tongue-in-cheek feel, then the comment about the final paragraph/sentence works. I'd leave out the career and focus on the captives for the stakes - what happens to them if the mission fails? Do they get shipped off to slavery, or do they die?

I think part of the missing oomph is the sense there should be an element of time slipping away.

I'd go ahead and spell out CEF, since this is still a chance for new readers to discover your books. Or, is there a way to drop the reference, and leave Min as just a Marine Lieutenant with the story providing WHO'S marines she's part of?

Just my idea of a rough re-work (and it's rough as all get out, I admit.)

Two years ago, Lieutenant Minerva Lewis was one of the most promising young officers in the Marine Corps. Then a terrible thing happened: peace. Now, after one too many boredom-fueled incidents, she’s been exiled to a backwater planet to rot.

A boatload of slavers stashing a few hundred captives on Min’s new home changes all of that. With new interest, a twenty-five man volunteer squad, and no fancy gadgets and snazzy assets of modern warfare, she must race to find and rescue the captives. Min has no idea what she is (literally) wading into. She might be up against dozens of bad guys—or hundreds. Min will have to rely on her grit, her creativity, and some cheek (maybe a lot of cheek) to save these people before [what?].

[Owen]

K. wrote: "I'd see if you can't add a few more teeth to it. With the story intended to have a lighter tongue-in-cheek feel, then the comment about the final paragraph/sentence works. I'd leave out the..."

On further review, I'm leaning toward spelling out CEF, so that sentence would become something like: "Two years ago, twenty-year-old Lieutenant Minerva Lewis was one of the most promising young Marine officers in the Colonial Expeditionary Forces." That might provide enough of a sense of "place" for a blurb.

Your version does tighten things up (although we like our centipedes!). The point about "before [what?]" is a plot issue we might to get some feedback on. That could go a number of ways. (We have developed this aversion to using the "Last Trump of Doom" as a hook and that may not be a good thing.)

[K.]

Owen, since you're using some tongue in cheek, how about "before serving eternal slavery as targets for toddlers with nerf guns." or some such. Especially if they get rescued.

[Owen]

K. wrote: "Owen, since you're using some tongue in cheek, how about "before serving eternal slavery as targets for toddlers with nerf guns." or some such. Especially if they get rescued."

Interestingly, a toddler does figure into the story. It had not occurred to us to arm her with a nerf gun. Maybe we should rethink that. (The notion of the MC getting solemnly plinked by a nerf-gun toting 3-yr-old has some appeal.)

;-)

[Antara]

Hi, I recently published Back To The Viper - A Time Travel Experiment and would love to receive critiuqe for the blurb:
If you could redo the worst mistake of your life, would you?
At what cost?
For the past ten years, the weight of botching the biggest performance of their career has plagued The Jackal, a band of misfits. With nothing to show for their musical career, lead vocalist Ashley, a single mother, along with the other three band members still long for stardom that was just within reach. Ashley's friend Harry, an odd scientist, offers them a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity - time travel. The band took the plunge to redeem past missteps and become the rockstars they weren't meant to be. But will their quest for fame and fortune be worth the price? Or will they lose everything they love?
How is the blurb, do you like it?
I have another blurb forThe Wishing Coin: A Modern Fairy Tale Novella:
TV reporter Julia Preston is frustrated in life and love...
...until a street vendor sells her a magical coin that fulfills all her darkest wishes.
Denied a promised promotion, TV reporter Julia Preston learns that it went instead to ambitious newcomer Bailey. Even worse, she discovers that Bailey is dating her ex. Walking home, seething with anger, Julia encounters a street vendor selling wishing coins. Skeptical, she's not interested until he offers an old tarnished coin with some geometrical figures that intrigue her. It soon becomes clear that she has come into possession of a miraculous weapon to use against those who have wronged her. With the coin’s help, Julia is given the dream job, gets rid of the despicable Bailey and makes up with her ex. But when her partner’s mother enters Julia’s life, she faces the biggest challenge she has ever met before.

Can Julia really get everything she wishes for and live her candy life even when a dark secret behind her TV success is revealed?

For fans of Bruce Almighty and Woody Allen. This is from the Amazon's sales page. Any feedback is highly appreciated.
Thanks

[K.]

Antara,

Back To The Viper:

Your first sentence almost doesn't make sense. Had to read it several times to realize that "The Jackal" is some sort of music band. The way it reads now, not sure how a singular identity can be applied to a group of misfits.

In the second sentence - does being Ashley being a single mother have any bearing on the story? Or lend weight to the issues? If so, how? Why do you list her, but not the others?

It's got potential. Right now I'm not feeling the teeth or punch in it at all. Perhaps restructuring a bit to something like:

"A botched performance for Ashley, [band members] ten years ago stole the chance at stardom. With nothing to show for their efforts, the members on The Jackal leaped at the chance offered by Ashley's friend Harry. This once-in-a-lifetime opportunity might redeem their past missteps, or it might cost them everything they love."

Not sure if you need to mention Harry, unless he figures in prominently throughout. And, I may be way off base too.

The Wishing coin

Nice punch in this one. Not sure about repeating the part of meeting the street vendor. I'd cut the first repetition, and leave the tag line with the ellipses.

[K.]

Tackling the blurb for the fourth book in the series. This is the first draft, so it's still very rough, but I figure if I start now, then maybe I can convince the head that this book WILL happen soon. It's been a rough slog so far, and not much progress - more confusion than anything.

And Keep This In Mind
Followers of Torments: Book 4
Dedicated his whole life to one purpose - to be the perfect avatar for his goddess - has carried Nameless through the dark currents of his native land. Then a single wish shatters his life. Now, with the Silks he has gathered to form the core of his new gladiator stable, he must forge an identity separate from Her. In a land far from comfortable, with slaves that cannot agree with each other, much less with him, and without the influence of his Goddess, will Nameless be able to put his life back together again, or will the current of the Tormentor that has invaded his life carry the pieces away?

[Christina]

The concept is good, the words need polishing. There's some tense switching and long sentences, but I think you've conveyed the idea in a nice neatly sized package. Here's my take:


Dedicating his whole life to one purpose - being the perfect avatar for his goddess - has carried Nameless through the dark currents of his native land, until a single wish shatters his life. Now, with the Silks who form the core of his gladiator stable, he must forge a new identity. An identity separate from Her.
Nameless finds himself in a land far from comfortable, with slaves that cannot agree with each other, much less with him, and without the influence of his Goddess. Will he be able to put his life back together again, or will the current of the Tormentor that has invaded his life carry the pieces away?

*Note: "far from comfortable" is bothering me, but I'm not entirely sure of what you mean, so I don't have anything to offer.

[K.]

In this instance it's the mental comfort, not the physical comfort I'm referring to. The difference in culture, the difference in which pantheons are followed. And the fact that people here care about him, rather than just think of him as this or that - they want him to be himself.

Not sure if that makes sense or not.