Sci-Fi, fantasy and speculative Indie Authors Review discussion
Blurb feedback thread
Mod
Christina wrote: "It reads much easier, Ken. The only additiinal tweak I would recommend is the first line of the last paragraph. Change 'one' to agenda. It's repetitive, yes, but it could drive home that he has an ..."
Yes, I went back and forth trying to decide whether to use "one" or "agenda," and after awhile it sounded the same either way. I'll look at it again later, and I may still change it.
Yes, I went back and forth trying to decide whether to use "one" or "agenda," and after awhile it sounded the same either way. I'll look at it again later, and I may still change it.
Christina wrote: "Okay, I'm back on everyone's least favorite rollercoaster. I'm fairly pleased with this one, but as usual, I need the opinion of those who aren't in my head. The book is called Splitsville, it's th..."I like your blurb, and Owen has already flagged the sentence that really stood out to me. It seems out of place with the rest of the blurb. Either that, or it seems like there is so much more that could be done with it.
Mod
Jem and Nai may be twins, but as two halves of a split soul, they are as different as night and day. After losing their lives in a boating accident, the teens are recruited by Order to replace the recently departed Guardian of Blackbird. Their job? To protect and save the souls of the lost before they fall to the Discordant. A simple task under ordinary circumstances, but Blackbird isn't remotely ordinary.
It would be bad enough if their arrival simply coincided with that of a wraith, a rare and nearly impossible to catch Discordant. But the teens must also contend with souls that won’t stay saved and adults who don’t trust them, all while keeping up the appearance of normal high school seniors. And just because the universe hadn't finished piling it on, a local mystic reveals that the twins’ worst enemy may be each other.
Jem and Nai soon discover that they are just as anomalous as the town they have been assigned to protect and can’t help but to question the supposed infallibility of the Creator. After all, who in their right mind would put the fate of the world into the hands of teenagers?
How about, "...but Blackbird is beyond ordinary." A minor help, I'm sure, but it does eliminate a couple of syllables.
Christina wrote: "Thanks, K. How about this? The buggy sentence is bolded:""...isn't remotely" doesn't roll off the tongue for me. "...is far from" or Ken's suggestion seems to me to flow better.
I am curious if there's a difference in your story between "the souls of the lost" and "lost souls"? Lost souls has a distinct meaning (usually), and I'm just wondering if you wanted to avoid that. There are sort of a lot of "the's" in that sentence.
Agree, I like the way the sentence is shaping up. And, I really like the way Owen's second suggestion goes together with the rest. "A simple task under ordinary circumstances, but Blackbird is far from ordinary."No comments on the repetition. I still have to finish shattering that button myself. Though, it seems to read well enough to me.
Mod
Christina wrote: "Thanks guys and gal! I originally had anything but ordinary, but that would have been a double but sentence. The lost and my use of souls are explained in the first book. Hopefully people are in th..."Chaos is too vague, I think. The Discordant is clearly a concpet from the story, and adds important info. I had a feeling you didn't mean "lost souls" as it's often meant, hence that structure.
I'm also not sure if you're trying to simplify that sentence. If so, maybe "from the Discordant" instead of "before they fall to the Discordant"? To me, the "they", "to", "the" wording kind of emphasizes the "the's".
But again, it is at all not bad as is, and "fall" may convey more meaning WRT your stories.
I like the concept of a 'double but' sentence, Kristina. Conjures an image...
Richard wrote: "I like the concept of a 'double but' sentence, Kristina. Conjures an image..."[cough!] [Ahem!] Yep -- that's an image, all right! (cue cymbal crash)
Thanks again to everyone.I've finally got round to making another round of changes, and I think this will be my final version. Definitely stronger thanks to the many comments.
What do you do when you are suddenly transported from twenty-first century England into a world of strange magic where everyone seems to be trying to kill you?
That's the question that faces Michael - an orphan who had been abandoned with a young couple while a baby, and largely ignored after his "stepmother" died. When a powerful dream sets off a series of events that inexplicably draws him into the land of Aylosia, Michael finally believes he is arriving in a place where he will feel his mother's love, but magical and political forces quickly seek his destruction.
Caught between truth and lie, Michael now faces a fight for survival in a beautiful land; and must struggle to learn of his own destiny if he is to save those he has grown to love.
Mod
Richard, you are terrible and I am not Scandinavian. ;p
Mod
Thanks Christina. The difficulty I have is that Michael's been 'raised' outside of any system, so its neither a foster nor an adoptive mother. The only way to make it accurate would be to pad it out with explanation (not good!), so I've used the quotation marks instead. I guess I could do the same with foster - i.e. put quotation marks around it. I'll cogitate on it....Thanks
OK, I'm back with my blurb for Out of the Darkness. Trying to work it up to fit onto a hard copy cover, so not exactly sure how much space I've got. (Font size suggestions are always welcome. Not sure if I should use 12 pt or something larger.) What I have right now on the ebook (and probably needs work again): Nameless, a slave-born pukah has fate stacked against him. He was born to fight, trained to win, conditioned to survive in the Arena. He wins his way to freedom, then fate begins to wreak havoc in his life. Struggling to learn how to survive as a free man, he finds himself taking on a personal war against the culture that created him. In this dark fantastical world of bloody gladiatorial combat, personal gain at all costs, and rulership by the most cunning, Nameless must find a way to honor his dedication to his goddess, honor his oaths to himself, and find a way to survive long enough to discover who he really is.
What is shaping up for the hard copy cover:
Nameless, a slave born pukah has one goal in life: to live. Born to fight, trained for combat, and conditioned in the bloody life of a Melkreschen gladiator, he achieves the ultimate fighter's dream. But, life is not done playing with him yet.
With new rules to learn, and a new life to forge beyond the Arena, Nameless faces his greatest challenge yet: to survive.
Will this misplaced pukah become what he must, or will this Realm destroy him?
Right now, I've got the font set at 24 pt, so if I need to, I can shrink it a little and double the characters used. Thank you all for your wonderful help!
K. wrote: "OK, I'm back with my blurb for Out of the Darkness. Trying to work it up to fit onto a hard copy cover, so not exactly sure how much space I've got. (Font size suggestions are always welcome. "I prefer the second (hardcopy) version. I think it has more punch (so to speak). Some of the details in the first version strike me as extraneous. Keep in mind that I am drawn to personalities, more than worlds, so details on the world in a blurb don't draw me in. If I'm intrigued by the character, I'll look further and go with the world. Others may feel differently.
A couple of things: "...has one goal in life: to live" and "...faces his greatest challenge yet: to survive." Those are really the same thing, so isn't his greatest challenge to adapt?
I like the sentiment in this line: "Nameless must find a way to honor his dedication to his goddess, honor his oaths to himself, and find a way to survive long enough to discover who he really is." I think the last line of the second blurb might be stronger for incorporating some of that: dedication to his goddess; discover who he really is. (BTW: I think that original sentence has a lot of clauses for a blurb.)
To me, the need to discover who he really is, and knowing he's dedicated to a goddess, are more interesting that "become what he must", since I don't have much clue what he must become (could be anything).
I might also suggest: "before this Realm destroys him?" Your first blurb implies some time pressure, so "before" seems like it emphasizes that.
24-pt type strikes me as large for a font on a paperback cover, but I don’t know what your cover format is. On the back cover our print editions, we use 12 or 14-pt and that is plenty big enough, and the blurbs fit nicely. But your format may be much different.
Thanks Owen. I'm working with the 6X9 inch cover. I'll shrink it down, so I've got some more room.And, yes, he does have a bit of trouble adapting to the "free" world - I wasn't happy with survive, but that was all the brain could come up with. What I get for working tired.
I'll work on the last sentence. I'm not quite ready with the content, so figured I'd start the argument with the blurb (again) and see if I couldn't strengthen it.
One of the issues I'm facing is that all of my blurbs keep trying to morph into series blurbs, not individual books. That's kind of what drove the last muddy sentence, I think. Hammers are in the corner, and I may need help keeping this one under control.
I'll mull over what you've suggested, and see what else the brain coughs up tomorrow, and what other advice comes in. Thanks so much for your feed back!
K. wrote: "Thanks Owen. I'm working with the 6X9 inch cover. I'll shrink it down, so I've got some more room.And, yes, he does have a bit of trouble adapting to the "free" world - I wasn't happy with surv..."
That's the same format we use. Personally, I prefer nothing larger than 14-pt or maybe 16-pt, but that's just me. If there is a "standard" for that, we didn't get the memo.
We struggle with the series blurb issue as well. We even experimented with placing a series blurb before the book blurb. That idea didn't seem to fly too well.
Welcome. Hope it helps some.
This is not a blurb question yet (that will come shortly), or maybe it's a very short blurb question(to be legal). If you saw one of the following titles mentioned somewhere as a book recommendation without any amplifying info (no cover, no blurb, not even a strong indication of the genre), which would you be most likely to click on for more info?
The Apollyon Gates
Apollyon's Gambit
The Gates of Apollo
Apollyon's Daughter
Next (and last question): what genre would you guess the title applied to before you clicked?
As Apollo was a Greek god, my initial assumption would be that his name in the title meant the book was more fantasy; entering the world of the ancient gods. (I guess unless I had just watched an episode of Battlestar Galactica....)But as I tend to prefer fantasy over sci-fi, it's also the title I'd be more likely to click on. The other titles sound more sci-fi to me.
Jeff wrote: "As Apollo was a Greek god, my initial assumption would be that his name in the title meant the book was more fantasy; entering the world of the ancient gods. (I guess unless I had just watched an e..."Thanks Jeff. That is valuable feedback.
Mod
As for the font. Anything just slightly bigger than the text inside works. When I am working in a 300dpi file, it will tell me my font is 40-50 pt, but in reality it prints at about a 12 or 14. I usually just look at how the paragraphs line up and fit it that way. (Why no, I'm not a graphic artist, in case that wasn't obvious by my tech speak) ;)
Mod
Next attempt. See if it's any better:Nameless, a slave born pukah has one goal in life: to obey. Born to fight, trained for combat, and conditioned in the bloody life of a Melkreschen gladiator, he achieves the ultimate fighter's dream. But, life is not done playing with him yet.
As he struggles with adapting to the new rules, and to forge a live beyond the Arena, Nameless faces his greatest challenge yet: to survive.
Will this misplaced pukah discover what he is before this Realm destroys him?
K. wrote: "Next attempt. See if it's any better:Nameless, a slave born pukah has one goal in life: to obey. Born to fight, trained for combat, and conditioned in the bloody life of a Melkreschen gladiator,..."
Yes, that works better for me.
Waited a few days for suggestions. With no more comments for a now, I'm going to run with what I've got here for the blurb on Darkness. Thank you everyone for your help!
OK, this is a blurb question, for Apollyon's Gambit. Here goes:“Go in harm’s way? Like Hell! I’m gonna put them in harm’s way!”
The war has flared up again, and Senior Lieutenant Loralynn Kennakris is thoroughly pissed off. On the walking-wounded list with a paralyzed arm and unable to fly, her superiors have decided to give her a meaningless promotion and send her off with a diplomatic mission to Iona. For years, tensions that have been ramping up between the Nereidian League and its increasingly powerful former colony. It’s the diplomat’s job to defuse them before they explode. Kris’s job is to act as the mission’s ‘military advisor’—which really means looking decorative, fetching coffee, and keeping her mouth shut.
That is, until someone screwed up.
Caught on the wrong side of a military disaster that threatens the League’s whole war effort and forced into a role she never desired, Kris knows she didn’t start this fight. But she’s sure as hell gonna finish it . . . one way or another.
The bold sentence doesn't seem to read smoothly, but the rest is definitely catchy. About as far as my story addled brain is able to dissect right now.
K. wrote: "The bold sentence doesn't seem to read smoothly, but the rest is definitely catchy. About as far as my story addled brain is able to dissect right now."Stories do that, don't they?
The bold sentence is a riff on John Paul Jones' "semi-quote": "Give me a fast ship, for I intend to go in harm's way." (He actually said something clunky like "I have no interest any ship that does not sail fast, for I intend to go in harm's way." The USN (as I recall) adopted it as something of a motto. (I'm too lazy at the moment to look it up.) So we wanted a riff on that, indicating that our MC really does not understand that sentiment. (She's a "do onto others before they do onto you" kind of girl.)
So maybe someone can suggest a smoother wording. (She'd never talk quite that way, but her favored mode of expression isn't something you want to but on a book cover.) ;-)
Mod
Christina wrote: "Hi Owen, I like the blurb, but the phrase "with a diplomatic mission" feels weird. I think "on a diplomatic mission" would be the standard way of phrasing. As for the catchphrase, maybe adding a li..."Thanks Christina. I think problem is with the word "mission" in that it refers to the team of diplomats she is accompanying, not her purpose in going there. So it should probably say something that -- or just change it to "on" (which is less clear but read better).
The catchphrase had to fit on the book cover, hence the length. But I suppose we don't have to quote the cover exactly?
Well, on that previous blurb, we decided to go with "on" instead of "with" (you're all following that, of course). Trying to replace "mission" to clarify that it referred to the diplomatic team just would not fly. Thanks to all for the feedback. Now, I'm going to impose again. We are trying to apply lessons learned to my co-author's fantasy novel, The Erl King's Children, and that starts with trying to write a better blurb. I wrote the current one, which seems rather unsat now, as it does not really say much that zillions of fantasy novels about dispossessed princesses haven't said before. So here's the first shot at trying again:
Victory through Death?
Imprisoned in an forlorn tower on a deserted headland, Lyllith, the last of the royal line of Érainn, prepares to use her only remaining weapon against the man who murdered her father and ravaged her land—her own death. Riv Orrsa, her kingdom’s conqueror, cannot hold the throne legitimately without her as his wife, so she waits to die as if waiting for an old friend.
But then a ghostly young boy appears in her barren cell to offer the one thing that changes it all: revenge. Accepting that chance plunges Lyllith in the middle of a contest thousands of years in the making, for the young boy is not what he seems, her new freedom is illusory, and she is the unwitting heir to an ancient bloody legacy with the power to unmake both their worlds.
Yes, there is that dreaded "not what he seems". Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is... (Let's hope nothing self-destructs on 5 seconds...)
Guess it's time to start arguing with my next blurb. This is for book 3 in the series. Into the Sunlits
A new world, a new life.
Nameless has lost everything but one Silk, and now must once again start over somewhere far from the Melkreschen Realm where he was born. With his trainer, he searches through the lands lit by the sun for potential Silks he can take back to reclaim his lost prestige.
Akantheldama - the vampire trainer who sees things about his future she cannot tell.
Raonal - A pukah with the misfortune to try to pick the wrong pockets.
Celecanepo - the Guardian on her last chance to prove herself capable of being a Guardian
Beslynx - the werecat cursed from her pack for her animal form
Nameless' single minded search leads him to the edge of sanity where he is tempered and forged into a new force. But is he a force of balance, or a force of chaos?
My version:
A new world, a new life.
Nameless has lost nearly everything, and must start again, far from the land of his birth. With his trainer, he searches for potential Silks he can take back to reclaim his lost prestige.
Akantheldama - the vampire trainer who sees things about his future she cannot tell.
Raonal - A pukah with the misfortune to try to pick the wrong pockets.
Celecanepo - seeking her last chance to prove herself capable of being a Guardian
Beslynx - the werecat cursed for her animal form
Nameless's single-minded search leads him to the edge of sanity where he is tempered and forged into a new force. But is he a force of balance, or a force of chaos?
A new world, a new life.
Nameless has lost nearly everything, and must start again, far from the land of his birth. With his trainer, he searches for potential Silks he can take back to reclaim his lost prestige.
Akantheldama - the vampire trainer who sees things about his future she cannot tell.
Raonal - A pukah with the misfortune to try to pick the wrong pockets.
Celecanepo - seeking her last chance to prove herself capable of being a Guardian
Beslynx - the werecat cursed for her animal form
Nameless's single-minded search leads him to the edge of sanity where he is tempered and forged into a new force. But is he a force of balance, or a force of chaos?
Mod
Ken, I like what is happening to the first paragraph.
For the "cast" should I include more, or do you think that is enough? Not much more than that is brought out in the story itself, and I'm debating about even listing them, though they are kind of important.
K. wrote: "Ken,
I like what is happening to the first paragraph.
For the "cast" should I include more, or do you think that is enough? Not much more than that is brought out in the story itself, and I'm..."
I think the four you listed should be intriguing enough, and if you list too much people will tend to skip over. In fact, I might even leave out Celecanepo, since the potential reader won't know what a Guardian is until he/she reads the book. And I'm also thinking that you should begin it as, "A young man known only as Nameless..." but I'm not familiar enough with the story to know if that would fit.
I like what is happening to the first paragraph.
For the "cast" should I include more, or do you think that is enough? Not much more than that is brought out in the story itself, and I'm..."
I think the four you listed should be intriguing enough, and if you list too much people will tend to skip over. In fact, I might even leave out Celecanepo, since the potential reader won't know what a Guardian is until he/she reads the book. And I'm also thinking that you should begin it as, "A young man known only as Nameless..." but I'm not familiar enough with the story to know if that would fit.
K. wrote: "Ken, I like what is happening to the first paragraph.
For the "cast" should I include more, or do you think that is enough? Not much more than that is brought out in the story itself, and I'm..."
I like the suggested revision: it tightens things up by including just what we need to know.
I also like the cast list: since you mention the his search, I think it adds to the interest. The descriptions are quite intriguing -- nice job on those! I also think four is a good number. More than five and it tends to become "eye glaze", and less than three isn't really a list.
Christina wrote: "Sorry Owen, I missed your post a few days ago. I'm in no state to critique anyone right now, so I am leaving this as a marker for tomorrow morning. If I don't get back to it by mid afternoon (CST) ..."No worries. No doubt you were busy productively lurking. ;-)
Owen wrote: "Well, on that previous blurb, we decided to go with "on" instead of "with" (you're all following that, of course). Trying to replace "mission" to clarify that it referred to the diplomatic team jus..."Owen, I've read your blurb 3 times now, and It doesn't seem to have any punch. To be honest, I'm not sure if it is because the story falls into a line I'm not interested in, or if there isn't enough tension in the blurb. Each time I read through it, my initial response is "Meh, what ever."
The second impression is that you just told the entire plot in those 2 paragraphs.
I wish I could offer more constructive help... I will keep picking at it and see if my head will cough up anything.
K. wrote: "Owen, I've read your blurb 3 times now, and It doesn't seem to have any punch. To be honest, I'm not sure if it is because the story falls into a line I'm not interested in, or if there isn't enough tension in the blurb." It could easily be either or both. We know the story is "unfashionable" and it's told in style that isn't popular these days. Nor is the plot original -- it's a variation on well-known themes, drawn from Celtic myths and legends. (That's why you can basically tell the plot in two paragraphs.) So we are up against the same things you mention: who is interested in this this sort of story and what constitutes "interesting" to them as far as blurbs go?
Mod
Victory through Death?- I like the tagline. Again, it reminds me of small press books from the eighties and nineties.
Imprisoned in an forlorn tower on a deserted headland, Lyllith, the last of the royal line of Érainn, prepares to use her only remaining weapon against the man who murdered her father and ravaged her land—her own death.
-this is one heck of a run on.
Riv Orrsa, her kingdom’s conqueror, cannot hold the throne legitimately without her as his wife, so she waits to die as if waiting for an old friend.
-again, there seems to be too many words. My take:
Imprisoned by the man who murdered her father and ravaged her land, Lyllith, last of the royal Érainn, has just one chance to save her kingdom. She needs to die. Without her, the tyranical (or other appropriate adjective) Riv Orrsa has no claim to the throne.
Before we get to the next part, how strong is Lyllith's conviction to die? Is she a willing martyr or is this a last ditch effort that she has to talk herself into?
Owen, I actually do read this type of fantasy, even if it's not "original". Or you could push it for the older middle graders who aren't jaded in their tastes yet. (Depending on content, of course.)
Christina,
With the rewording you've done, that would definitely pique my interest. Definitely makes it pack a punch.
Owen wrote: "I also like the cast list: since you mention the his search, I think it adds to the interest. The descriptions are quite intriguing -- nice job on those! I also think four is a good number. More than five and it tends to become "eye glaze", and less than three isn't really a list."Owen, I was thinking more along the lines of a bit more description of the characters, or leaving it with the one line tags for each of them.
Owen wrote: "K. wrote: " In fact, I might even leave out Celecanepo, since the potential reader won't know what a Guardian is until he/she reads the book."
Leaving out Celeca would be kind of hard. Of the four listed, Beslynx is the one who takes the longest to actually show up. Celecanepo's race is "Guardian" as is her title. (Confusing I know, but it's better than Silk or silk.)
Maybe change her description to something along the lines of:
Celecanepo - A Guardian fallen on hard times with one last chance to prove she is capable of protecting her charges.
Christina wrote: "Okay, Owen's blurb first: I agree with K that it lacks punch. Caveat to that: I don't read much high fantasy. To me it feels like too much information even though it's a pretty short blurb. Here's ..."Yep -- that's a run-on sentence! They don't get much love so I feel compelled to give them a home at times, but...
"Imprisoned by the man who murdered her father and ravaged her land, Lyllith, last of the royal Érainn, has just one chance to save her kingdom. She needs to die. Without her, the tyranical (or other appropriate adjective) Riv Orrsa has no claim to the throne."
I like that. I might elect to leave out the bad guy's name entirely, and "she needs to die" is a bit something. Maybe something like:
"Imprisoned by the man who murdered her father and ravaged her land, Lyllith, last of the royal Érainn, has only one option left\remaining to save her kingdom: dying\she must die. Without her, no conqueror can rightfully claim the throne." [Not sure if I like "only" or "just" better there. "Just" might be a bit abrupt for the style of the book. And I'm not sure if "remaining" or "left" is better.]
Lyllith's conviction to die is quite strong. It's talking her into not dying that's the hard part.
Thanks!
Mod
But when a mysterious apparition offers revenge, her convicions are challanged. Lyllith is then plunged into the middle of a contest thousands of years in the making. The (young boy/stranger/ghost or whatever) is not what he seems and her new freedom is illusory. Lylith discovers she is the unwitting heir to an ancient bloody legacy with the power to unmake both their worlds.
Well okay, now with my chop, the end seems abrupt. Phooey.
Mod
Christina wrote: "Okay, K. I really can't add more than what Ken did with the first paragraph, but the cast list is bugging me. Are these his companions on his journey or these the potential Silks? I feel like anoth..."Akantheldama is with him at the start of this installment, Raonal has already stolen from him (and royally ticked him off in the process.) Celecanepo comes in a bit later through an unwise agreement, and Beslynx... She's captured, I just haven't managed to pin down exactly how yet.
Not sure if that answers your question or not.
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Thanks, Owen! Yep, I absolutely admit that I'm all about the not what it seems trope.
The series is told from multiple first person POVs, so there is definitely some snark from one of the teens, but the cast is pretty diverse, so I tried to stick to the same tone as I used for the first. Plus, despite the age, this isn't a YA and I didn't want to give the wrong impression. Not that there's anything too mature, but some of the characters are sweary.
I thought about adding something about their groan-worthy names, but that gets covered early and often.