Blurb feedback thread

[Owen]

Hákon wrote: "Thanks Owen. I think your comments are helpful. And I agree, ..."

I edited technical reports for years and I still have a weak grasp punctuation rules. My approach (although this is not evident in my writing) is to try to break things down and simplify them until my ignorance no longer mattered. I am of the opinion that shorter sentences work better in blurbs.

I didn't know about the distinction. It makes sense now that you explain it. That's something your a lot of potential readers will likely pick up on the thus should certainly be mentioned. (One of the dangers of offering commentary as I did is not being well acquainted with the art form or the genre. That can really lead one astray.)

Hákon wrote: "Owen, I like the blurb. ... There is only one thing I'd like to ask, could it be better to add one word here: 'Armed. Dangerous. And with nothing left to lose . . .' "

Thanks! Much appreciated. Re: "with", that is one of those pesky questions (like extraneous that's) that vexes me. In this case, I think it's certainly proper to include it. We didn't in this case because we begin our blurbs with the tag line from the book cover (which that is), and inserting "with" on the cover looks a bit clunky to us. So as long as it's on the "right side" of sort of clunky grammar, we'll probably leave it without the "with".

We will certainly entertain variant opinions. One thing you really don't want is an egregious mistake in your blurb.

[David]

Hi Hakon, my suggestion would be as follows, including some of the points raised by others.

"The challenge was set. Write stories with no more than one hundred words. Why? Just to to torture the limits of the writer's creativity. Anyway, the theme was science fiction tropes. Imprisoned within these boundaries, the writer agonized in creating one hundred micro-stories. These tiny works hop from planet to planet, from the future to the past, sometimes the goal is simply to entertain readers, other times to make then think. So come along and enjoy the trip. On the way we’ll see spaceships, dictators, robots, aliens, zombies, mad scientists, and one . . . terribly angry shrimp?"

Not quite sure why the shrimp has a question mark, but I left it in because I liked it :-)

Intruiging sounding idea

[Hákon]

Richard wrote: "Hakon, I think a semi-colon after "from the future to the past" (and a couple of colons in there as well for good measure). Adding in Christina and Owen's suggestions too, you get something more li..."

Thanks Richard, that might be the way to do this, I'm going to try it. :-)

[Hákon]

David wrote: "Hi Hakon, my suggestion would be as follows, including some of the points raised by others.

"The challenge was set. Write stories with no more than one hundred words. Why? Just to to torture the l..."

Thanks David. Using words like torture, imprisoned, and agonized would certainly give it a more dramatic overtone. Then the shrimp at the end might seem even more out of place, could work, I have to think about this.

[David]

I was thinking along the lines of a kind of perverse 101 nights, if that helps.

[Christina]

Owen, I like the idea of leading in with the tag line. I wouldn't change much.

Hakon, now that the angry shrimp are in the spotlight, I might suggest moving the elipses to: one terribly angry... shrimp?

[Owen]

Christina wrote: "Owen, I like the idea of leading in with the tag line. I wouldn't change much..."

Thanks for the feedback. We figured if we were going to bother putting a tag line on the cover, it ought to be in blurb as well, as people may not see a version of the cover large enough to read it.

One question if I may: The part before the tagline (begins with "As a girl, Loralynn Kennakris...") is a blurb (if you will) for the entire series, while the part following the tag line relates to the specific book.

We did get some previous feedback that the first part seemed unnecessary and potentially even a bit off-putting, as being out of place. Our thought was that it's a good thing to give readers some overall inkling about our protagonist, but we don't want to put people off right off the bat either.

Any thoughts on this struck you?

[Christina]

I figured that was what it was. I don't know if a series blurb is necessary on the book's sales page, but for press release info, websites, announcements, and such, I can see where it might come in handy.
Personally, I'm of the less is more school when it comes to product descriptions, but if you look back through this thread you'll see that not everyone agrees with me.

[K.]

Christina wrote: "...if you look back through this thread you'll see that not everyone agrees with me."


Christina, I think some of us do agree with you, we just can't get the blurbs to agree with you. I'm dreading my next book's blurb because the last one kept trying to morph into the series blurb.

[Christina]

True, I can't always get mine to agree either. I need to stick to writing satire. I do much better with short, snarky blurbs.

[Owen]

Christina wrote: "I figured that was what it was. I don't know if a series blurb is necessary on the book's sales page, but for press release info, websites, announcements, and such, I can see where it might come in..."

I think you are right there, and I certainly agree with "less is more" when it comes to blurbs. I tend to think "less" means "less chance to screw up" WRT saying something that does not help one's cause. The thing that makes blurbs so vexatious (to me) is that a blurb is not a synopsis. It is not so much about informing the reader as enticing them, which is much harder.

There also the problem of (since there is so little new under the sun) conveying how your work is different in a short space. If you write essentially: "Stalwart hero joins up with plucky heroine to thwart mysterious dark forces bent on universal destruction", you are an inviting the "Yeah, right -- haven't that one before" response. I think we did just that of that on my co-author's fantasy novel. (And need to fix it at some point.)

Lastly, the blurb is the first writing sample readers see, and as unfair as I think it is, if you write a blurb that is flat, or wordy, or vague or ... they are gong to judge the whole book by that. Not that many (I believe) are going to read the sample and see that your work is actually decent. This is why publishers had people whose job it was to do this (not that they were always great at it).

But we indie authors have the whole mess dropped on our plates: writing a compelling book, designing a decent, eye-catching cover, and writing the bloody blurb! (Yes, you can hire some of that out, but not on my salary, as they say.)

Anyway ... sorry, that was a bit of a rant there. But thanks for the feedback. I feel more comfortable now with where we are with this.

[Hákon]

David wrote: "I was thinking along the lines of a kind of perverse 101 nights, if that helps."

Okay, I get it. :-)

[Hákon]

Christina wrote: "Hakon, now that the angry shrimp are in the spotlight, I might suggest moving the elipses to: one terribly angry... shrimp?"

I think that would be a good move. Thanks Christina.

[David]

Hi Owen

Some suggestions below, mostly tightening up and making the tense more immediate:

"As a girl, Loralynn Kennakris survived eight brutal years of slavery. Now a young woman, she’s become a fighter pilot in the front lines of a war against the people who enslaved her. But her worst enemies aren’t on the battlefield—they're the ones she holds inside.

Armed. Dangerous. And nothing left to lose . . .

First they called her a hero. Then they called her a medical problem. Now they’re calling her a criminal. It’s been an exciting first year on active duty for Lieutenant Loralynn Kennakris.

She started it by proving herself to be the Nereidian League’s most promising young fighter pilot; the decorations she's earned gaining her both admirers and enemies. But the rumors won’t go away: dangerous mental instability, hostile tendencies, and latent psychosis. Pushed too far, she's done the unforgivable, and her enemies finally have the excuse they’ve been waiting for.

They are right about one thing: Kris is dangerous, and now has nothing left to lose."

[Owen]

David wrote: "Hi Owen

Some suggestions below, mostly tightening up and making the tense more immediate: ..."

Thanks for the feedback. :-)

[Owen]

Rob wrote: "I'm really at a loss writing blurbs for my first two stories. I've ended up asking my editor to write the blurbs for me. I'm a bit torn about doing so . On one hand I feel like not being able to ..."

As far as I know, back before there was indie publishing, authors did not write blurbs or other promo materials. Personally, as long as you can exercise some veto over it, I think delegating the writing of the blurb is a really good idea. Another person can look at our work in ways we can't and see things that may entice readers that we don't. It's extremely hard to look at your own work from that perspective.

Being good at writing a novel and creating effective promo material are not the same talent -- no more so that expecting an author to come up with great cover art for their book.

If you have someone who wrote blurbs you find amazing for you work, I think that's great.

[Hákon]

Rob wrote: "I'm really at a loss writing blurbs for my first two stories. I've ended up asking my editor to write the blurbs for me. I'm a bit torn about doing so . On one hand I feel like not being able to wr..."

I don't think that makes you an incomplete author in any way. Most traditionally published authors don't have to do their own blurb and it doesn't make them incomplete. Why shouldn't it be okay to delegate it to someone else? I think most self published authors do it themselves just to avoid the extra cost. So if she did a good job writing the blurb, just be happy with it.

[Christina]

As Owen and Hakon pointed out, traditional publishers pay a marketing department to write blurbs using specific words or points for maximum impact. Most of us don't have a marketing department. If I had someone I could hand thia duty off to, I would do it in a heartbeat.

[Owen]

I'm wondering how people here feel about blurbs vs excerpts. Do we writing these bloody blurbs because we are "supposed to" or because they actually work better?

Back in the day, paperbacks didn't have blurbs (in the modern sense). They had a catchy short sentence on the back cover followed by an except from the book of some important scene. (Last I saw, I recall this had moved to inside the front cover, while the back was reserved for reviews and recommendations from authors.)

So excerpts were thought to be effective. What are people's feelings on this? It's easier (I think) to pull a short excerpt than write a blurb and it had the advantage of actually displaying part of the book that showcases the author's writing, not "blurb writing."

On a related note: this idea of putting an excerpt just inside the front cover -- has anyone tried that (or seen that tried) with an eBook? The eBooks I've seen typically start with the TOC, and then you progress to the first 10% or so of the book. How about sticking a short teaser from a key part of the book at the top, before the TOC?

I can post an example of specifically what I'm talking about here, if people would like me to (from an upcoming book of ours).

[Christina]

I know what you're talking about, Owen. I don't remwmber the back of a paperback having anything but the blurb, but on most of my genre paperbacks, there was a title page, then a one page excerpt, then the front matter.
I've seen some books on Amazon that use an excerpt instead of a blurb and I'll be honest, it loses my attention fast. If I want to see a sample of the writing style, I use the look inside feature.

[Owen]

Christina wrote: "I know what you're talking about, Owen. I don't remwmber the back of a paperback having anything but the blurb, but on most of my genre paperbacks, there was a title page, then a one page excerpt, ..."

I wish I knew how many of the people who bought our book viewed the sample provided (and I really wish we could set a start point for it ourselves, though maybe most readers prefer to begin at the beginning). I know some don't. If your case, it sounds like the blurb entices you to read the sample? Or is it a combination of that and the reviews? Or...?

[Christina]

My case is not typical. Most of the books that I've purchased recently were from authors I've met here or through Twitter. When I do this, I almost always read the LookInside excerpt, but I may pay little to no attention to the blurb.

But when I'm browsing, I'm oddly specific. I filter for free books, pull up my genre, and look for those that have been around for a while and have few or no reviews. I give preferential treatment to those who are on a limited promo(I have several other prejudiced factors, but I can't spill all of my secrets). I then skim the blurb looking for words of interest. Then I download. A great majority of these get discarded after the first chapter, but if there's a gem, it gets a review, I buy another book if they have one to offer, and I seek out the author on social media to give them an extra layer of supoort.

[Charles]

I'm really liking this thread. I did a blurb for my upcoming book on the back cover. It is a generic summary, but that's because it is all short stories. Christina, I think your method is really cool!

[David]

I just did a quick sample of my book shelves - everything appears to have a blurb, including ones that are "classics".

I think the difficulty with writing blurbs is that they're essentially marketing not "writing" per se. Speaking purely from my own perspective, I'm not very good at "selling" myself or my own work (rampant modesty??) and I actually find it much easier working or helping others with their blurbs than I do working on my own.

Maybe we need a blurb writing exchange program :-)

[Christina]

That's really not a bad idea, David.

[Owen]

Christina wrote: "My case is not typical. Most of the books that I've purchased recently were from authors I've met here or through Twitter...."

Alas, it would be nice if it was typical.

[Owen]

David wrote: "Maybe we need a blurb writing exchange program :-)"

I'll second that idea.

[K.]

Christina, I'm with you. All of my current books are from folks I've either met here, or on twitter. However, that is not the case with our household.

One plows through the free offerings on Smashwords - and passes along the titles of the gems they find. Another will pick up new authors through the freebies, but then buys almost everything from the new authors. I don't work through the freebies, mostly because I just don't have the TIME to work through the masses. I don't mind paying for books (finances cooperating that is), so long as it doesn't get too far over the hard copy prices I'm used to seeing - between $3 and $5 per book. I MIGHT get one that's higher, but it had better well be the last book of a series, or something else equally special. Once in a while I'll make an exception and get a hard copy, but again, it's usually because I can't get an electronic format of the book, or the electronic's more expensive than I can get the hard copy locally.

So, for now, I've been enjoying the better reads project, because it's introducing me to some great new authors, and their work. Now, I just have to get reviews written and splattered all over for the last reading binge I indulged in, before I forget... again.

[Jeffrey]

I'm not planning on publishing my first book for another few months, but I'm already playing around with the blurb as I try to do some early marketing on my web-site, so would love some feedback:

What do you do when you inexplicably vanish from twenty-first century England and reappear in a world of strange magic where everyone seems to be trying to kill you?

That’s the question that faces Michael – an orphan who was dumped with a young couple when a small child; no official adoption or even fostering programme to support him. And when his unofficial “step-mother” died, it left him to be raised by a man who paid him as little attention as possible. Now grown to young manhood he has a strange but powerful dream that seems to hint at the mother’s love he has ached for his whole life, and following a series of unusual events he is inexplicably drawn into the land of Aylosia, where a magic known as Weaving is either sought as precious or despised as evil.

Powerful magical and political forces are quickly drawn to Michael, and he soon learns that those who are kind to him don’t always have benevolent intentions. Eventually, he must choose who to believe; a choice that will determine whether – and how – he learns of his own role and destiny in a millennia-long feud.

And through it all, he needs to find his mother; oh, and survive.


Thanks for all comments....
Jeff

[K.]

The first sentence is good, but a bit long. Not sure how to cut it down, either.

For the rest, feels like you've lost the punch of the blurb. Maybe try:

That's the question Michael faces - an orphan given to a strange couple to raise. When his "step-mother" died, the husband ignored him as he matured. Now, Michael faces a new dilemma: should he chase his dreams. Dreams hinting at a mothers love, unusual events, and magic.

He discovers along the way that not everything is as it seems."

Not sure if I cut out important elements, but that's my attempt at helping. Agree that blurbs are not fun to write.

[Jeffrey]

Thanks K. That's helped. I've cut it down to:

What do you do when you inexplicably vanish from twenty-first century England and reappear in a world of strange magic where everyone seems to be trying to kill you?

That's the question that faces Michael - an orphan who was dumped with a young couple when a small child; largely ignored when his "stepmother" died. Years later a powerful dream sets off a series of events that inexplicably draws him into the land of Aylosia, where magical and political forces are quickly drawn to him.

Caught between truth and lie, Michael now faces a fight for survival in a land where nothing is as it seems; and a struggle to learn of his own destiny if he is to save those he loves.


Further work I'm sure but an improvement already.

[[deleted user]]

I pared it down a little, but I'm sure others could do better. The bit in parentheses makes it sound better to my ear, but if it doesn't fit, ignore it:
"What do you do when you inexplicably vanish from twenty-first century England and reappear in a world of strange magic where everyone's trying to kill you?

That's the question facing Michael--orphaned during childhood and dumped with a young couple who ignored him after his "stepmother" died. Years later a powerful dream sets off a series of events that inexplicably draws him into the land of Aylosia, where he quickly becomes immersed in magical and political forces (he doesn't understand).

Caught between truth and lie, Michael now faces a fight for survival in a land where nothing is as it seems, and must struggle to learn his destiny if he is to save those he loves."

[David]

I'd suggest making it more immediate. Also "dumped" in this context is perhaps too much of a British term (depending on your target/personal feelings). Also I'd say "nothing is as it seems" is a bit overused. Here's an attempt for example.


"What do you do when you find yourself transported from twenty-first century England to a [strange]world of [strange] magic where everyone is trying to kill you?

That's the question facing Michael - an orphan abandoned with a young couple as a small child and largely ignored after his "stepmother" died. Years later, a powerful dream sets off a series of inexplicable events that draw him into the land of Aylosia, where magical and political forces are quickly drawn to him.

Caught between truth and lie, Michael faces a fight for survival in a [strange/outlandish/bizarre] land he doesn't understand; and a struggle to learn his own destiny if he is to save those he loves."

[[deleted user]]

I don't really see "dumped" as a British term. It's used in the US as well. And there might be a problem in the second paragraph with using "draw" and "drawn" in the same sentence. But I often need help with my own blurbs, so I'm no expert.

[K.]

Jeff wrote: "Thanks K. That's helped. I've cut it down to:

What do you do when you inexplicably vanish from twenty-first century England and reappear in a world of strange magic where everyone seems to be tr..."

Definitely has more punch to it now. I'll admit to being horrible about writing these, but this one seems to be heading in a wonderful direction. Can't wait until some of the others can get their hands in the mix to see what new suggestions come in.

[Owen]

Jeff wrote: "Thanks K. That's helped. I've cut it down to: What do you do when you inexplicably vanish from twenty-first century England and reappear in a world of strange magic where everyone seems to be tr..."

Just a couple of thoughts (keep in mind my views are likely atypical):

What do you do when you inexplicably vanish? I understand why the adverb in there -- it reads better -- but do people *explicably* vanish into magical realms? It seems like there is better word that could be used here. I'm wondering what he was doing when he vanished, too. Shopping (Got milk, got eggs, where's the--Whoops! Huh?), reading, watching TV? Kissing his GF? Or is it "this is all a dream... oh, wait--"

This line: "That's the question that faces Michael - an orphan who was dumped with a young couple when a small child; largely ignored when his "stepmother" died."

The clause at the end reads awkwardly to me. It seems like a fragment that was tacked on to tell me he's an orphan and he was ignored as a kid. (Also "orphaned during childhood" strikes me rather like "inexplicably", orphan tends to imply that.) The temporal shift threw me: "Years later". The sentence starts out with Michael facing a question. Then it's stated as a clause he was orphaned, then he has dream years later, but that is years after he was orphaned and before (or contemporaneous) with the question that began the sentence.

How important is it that I know he's an orphan? OK, he an orphan raised by uncaring people -- shades of Harry Potter. (Am I supposed to think that? Might not be a selling point.)

Juxtaposed with "struggle to learn his own destiny if he is to save those he loves" I get a little confused. Being an orphan, etc. seems to imply isolation. So who does he love and why do they need saving?

Simplifying all that to: "That's the question facing Michael when powerful dream sets off a series of inexplicable events that draw him into the land of Aylosia, where magical and political forces are quickly drawn to him" directly answers the question posed in the first line. If the other info is needed maybe it can be introduced after this?

And I do sort of wonder about the forces that are "quickly drawn to him" -- because they want to kill him, I take it? Can something a little harder-hitting be said? ".... quickly start competing to tack his flayed hide to the wall." (OK, that wording is undoubtedly a bad idea.)

Please understand I over-analyze everything -- it's a professional deformity. But you have me with the first line: "What do you do when you inexplicably vanish from twenty-first century England and reappear in a world of strange magic where everyone's trying to kill you?"

Damn good question! Now I want to read the book. For me, too many more details might get in my way at this point.

This: "Caught between truth and lie, Michael now faces a fight for survival in a land where nothing is as it seems; and a struggle to learn of his own destiny if he is to save those he loves" is a nice closer, although I agree with the suggestion to add an adjective before "land" and delete "where nothing is as it seems". That latter phrase is getting overused in blurbs these days, and you don't want to sound like a bunch of other books.

OK, that was more than a couple of thoughts. (Drat. I'll never learn.) Anyway, I'm intrigued by the concept and I think you' re on the right track.

[K.]

Owen, can I trade with you for help in picking apart my blurbs? This is exactly the type of nitpickery I need to get them to quit laying down and pretending to be doormats instead of doormen.

Even with the help of a site that helps break blurbs down, I haven't been able to get into the head of a reader to see the types of questions you're asking.

[Christina]

Hi Jeff. The opening question reads awkwardly to me. I think the location (21st century England) is unnecessary because that may nit be where your reader is and I assume that if this is where the character was, this will be implied in the story. Here's my suggestion:

What would you do if you suddenly found yourself in a strange and magical world where everyone seems to be trying to kill you?

[Jeffrey]

Great comments all - thanks. Owen, lots of good suggestions. I'll need to work my way through to see which ones will work for me, but a couple straight off I'll try and incorporate.

Thanks
Jeff

[Owen]

K. wrote: "Owen, can I trade with you for help in picking apart my blurbs? This is exactly the type of nitpickery I need to get them to quit laying down and pretending to be doormats instead of doormen..."

Sure? Not that you need to trade me anything. I get a bit compulsive at times, so it tends to just happen naturally. (This is not always regarded as a virtue.) So just post here, or message me, or what you like, and "nature" will take its course...

[Christina]

Okay, I'm back on everyone's least favorite rollercoaster. I'm fairly pleased with this one, but as usual, I need the opinion of those who aren't in my head. The book is called Splitsville, it's the second in series, and the cover is on the critique thread as well. Here goes:

Jem and Nai may be twins, but as two halves of a split soul, they are as different as night and day. After losing their lives in a boating accident, the teens are recruited by Order to replace the recently departed Guardian of Blackbird. Their job, to protect and save the souls of the lost before they fall to the Discordant, seems simple enough, but in Blackbird, nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

It would be bad enough if their arrival simply coincided with that of a wraith, a rare and nearly impossible to catch Discordant. But the teens must also contend with souls that won’t stay saved and adults who don’t trust them, all while keeping up the appearance of normal high school seniors. And just because the universe hadn't finished piling it on, a local mystic reveals that the twins’ worst enemy may be each other.

Jem and Nai soon discover that they are just as anomalous as the town they have been assigned to protect and can’t help but to question the supposed infallibility of the Creator. After all, who in their right mind would put the fate of the world into the hands of teenagers?

[[deleted user]]

I need a little more help, too, with my first novel, Ship of Storms. Too many readers seem disappointed that it's more about the character and his development than it is about the background, the interplanetary war, and the psychological problems that set up the story. I'm doing a revision of the book, and reclassifying it from SF--Military to SF--Adventure, but not changing the story. So I'm thinking that a rewrite of the blurb might put it more on target. What do you think about this:
"Mars is Earth's most distant colony, and for good reason. Mysterious psychological problems involving the giant outer planets has barred any further outward expansion, and even Mars is breaking away, as its rebel leaders demand independence. Now, in the first interplanetary war ever, those problems must be resolved before Earth can hope to regain dominance over its colony.
That launches a new study. But Earth has already made too many mistakes, and more mistakes soon make the study less about the problem, and the war, than about the subject they choose for it. He's a misfit—intelligent, but with a history of violence. He's already wasted one lifetime, existing mostly on the fringes of society, and now, having undergone the medical process of rejuvenation, he's managed to put his second life into disarray. That hadn't worried planners when the study began, but too late it reveals that the brutal mental and physical trials of Legend's long life has created a unique character. And while his emotional turmoil makes him very unfit for their agenda, he secretly has one of his own. Using the war as a pretext, and capitalizing on the mistakes, he embarks on a journey that's fueled by the very human need that put him on his treacherous path. Inevitably he's forced to either reconcile with his life as it exists or sink deeper into the madness that threatens to kill him."

[Christina]

The first paragraph is good, but the second is confusing. Is the 'he' the subject of the study? If so, I would suggest this:

This launches a new study, but Earth has already made too many mistakes. More mistakes soon make the study less about the problem (and the war) than about the subject they choose: an intelligent misfit with a history of violence. He's already wasted one lifetime, existing mostly on the fringes of society, and now, having undergone the medical process of rejuvenation, he's managed to put his second life into disarray.The planners didn' worry when the study began, but too late they realize that the brutal mental and physical trials of Legend's long life has created a unique character.
I would also cut the paragraph off there and start a third. Even if my changes don't work, I think the second paragraph should be split in two. I've noticed that both Amazon and Goodreads have had a change in formatting that makes our blurbs look like a wall of text recently.

[Hákon]

Christina wrote: "And just because the universe hadn't finished piling it on, a local mystic reveals that the twins’ worst enemy may be each other."

It sounds like an interesting story. I like the blurb for most parts, but was wondering if the above line might be better like this:

Then a local mystic reveals that the twins’ worst enemy may be each other, making their work even more complicated.

Should it be: "catch the Discordant." and "by the Order"

Other than that I like the blurb.

[[deleted user]]

Christina wrote: "The first paragraph is good, but the second is confusing. Is the 'he' the subject of the study? If so, I would suggest this:

This launches a new study, but Earth has already made too many mistakes..."

Thanks, Christina. I still prefer my version of the sentence about the planners, but I like the rest of the changes, and incorporated them into the blurb in my computer file. I'm trying to minimize the war aspect, and emphasize that it's a character study.

[Christina]

Thanks, Hakon. In this case, Order is simply Order. It's the opposite of Chaos. The Discordant would be plural and I'm only speaking of one.
You're right, the last sentence in that paragraph probably needs work. I always seem to write my blurbs with these 'and if that wasn't enough...' type situations and run out of ways to say the same thing several times.

[Owen]

Christina wrote: "Okay, I'm back on everyone's least favorite rollercoaster. I'm fairly pleased with this one, but as usual, I need the opinion of those who aren't in my head. The book is called Splitsville, it's th..."

I like the blurb, and I think it works, so this more a question than a suggestion. Almost all blurbs I read tend to be expository, which tends to make the writing in them passive. As the king of exposition, I'm not going to veer into a "show, don't tell" screed here, but this is my question: what's the tone of your story? If it's about teenagers, and is told from their POV, should the blurb reflect that voice?

If you're writing about snarky teens (are there other kinds?) maybe that could find it's way into the blurb. As an example, this sentence: "Their job, to protect and save the souls of the lost before they fall to the Discordant, seems simple enough, but in Blackbird, nothing is ever as simple as it seems" is kind of long and passive. Maybe breaking it into two sentences and injecting a note of "Simple? In Blackbird? Yeah, right..." might add a little more punch.

As a personal side-note, the "nothing is what it seems" trope in blurbs does sort of make me snigger at times. I sometimes wish someone would say something like "Here in Borington, everything is exactly what it seems. Always! Until it ain't... (Well, damn...)"

And your last line ls brilliant. :-)

[Owen]

Ken wrote: "I need a little more help, too, with my first novel, Ship of Storms. Too many readers seem disappointed that it's more about the character and his development than it is about the ..."

I agree with Christina's take here, but one further question: from a quick read of the blurb, I came away confused as to whether the subject of the study is the hero or the problem. Is this story about this guy messing things up and "good" people trying to stop him? Or is he the hero who is under the thumb of the people conducting the study? The last line make it seem as if it's that latter, but the tone ("he" and "him") distances me from what may be the main character I think I'm supposed to care about?

I also tripped a bit over this: "brutal mental and physical trials of Legend's long life has created a unique character". Legend is the character's name? His name isn't mentioned before, and I misread the sentence at first, thinking "Legend" must refer to something else.

As I said, that's my impression from a quick read, but that's what most people will likely do.

A couple of nits:
"the first interplanetary war ever..." I tend to think "Teenspeak" has ruined the use of "ever", "totally" and "like" -- as in, like, y'know, totally, fer evah! (Sorry, could not resist!) Anyway, do as you see fit.

"... has created a unique character..." That's one of the those shorthand statements that just conveys a vague impression of "specialness". Which (in my case) leads into "Isn't everyone a unique character?" So I want to know: unique how?

Your blurb does get a across that you have an interesting story here. With a little clearer focus (at least for me), I think you'd have something really good.

[[deleted user]]

Owen wrote: "I also tripped a bit over this: "brutal mental and physical trials of Legend's long life has created a unique character". Legend is the character's name? His name isn't mentioned before, and I misread the sentence at first, thinking "Legend" must refer to something else..."

Thanks, Owen. Some good tips. Legend is the character's name, but I had meant to erase it from the blurb so the odd name would be a surprise in the book; I just missed that one. The point about his being the good or bad character is noted, but that's something that's slowly revealed in the story. You're right about "ever." I should either move it to an earlier place in the sentence, or lose it altogether.

[[deleted user]]

Here's the revised blurb:

"Mars is Earth's most distant colony, and for good reason. Mysterious psychological problems involving the giant outer planets has barred any further outward expansion, and even Mars is breaking away, as its rebel leaders demand independence. Now, in history's first interplanetary war, those problems must be resolved before Earth can hope to regain dominance over its colony.

This launches a new study, but Earth has made too many mistakes already. Further mistakes soon make the study less about the problem (and the war) than about the subject they choose: an intelligent misfit with a history of violence. He's already wasted one lifetime, existing mostly on the fringes of society, and now, having undergone the medical process of rejuvenation, he's managed to put his second life into disarray. That hadn't worried planners when the study began, but too late it reveals that the brutal mental and physical trials of his long life have created a unique character too unconventional to fit into their agenda.

But he secretly has one of his own. Using the war as a pretext, and capitalizing on the mistakes, he embarks on a journey that's fueled by the very human need that put him on his treacherous path. Haunted constantly by recollections from his past, he's forced to either reconcile with his life as it exists now or sink deeper into the madness that threatens to kill him."