Blurb feedback thread

[Micah]

More for Ken...

The rest of the blurb is, IMHO, is a bit weak as well.

My take would be:

"From the remnants of the old Solar Empire's outer regions, a new power arises determined to dominate its weaker neighbors. Its latest campaign, though, takes it deeper into the territory of the Solar Empire. Even with an assault force deemed overwhelming, its attack on a small trinary star escalates into a clash of interstellar empires. Nothing is as it seems. The fate of entire worlds rides on the outcome of this macabre chess game, played out on an epic scale."

And I'm still hesitant about using phrases like "nothing is as it seems" and "on an epic scale."

I also find it a bit odd that the blurb appears to place emphasis on this new upstart power...and yet does not name them? We know the Solar Empire, who are the new lads and lasses?

[Tura]

Are there people involved? It seems a bit Space History textbook-like with no mention of the protagonists.

I would also try to prune some of the more standard phrases, and some adjectives. From the ashes - things are not what they seem - word pairs like ancient glory and ruthless determination seem a tad familiar too. So is comparing war to a chess game.

"a powerful new rival to its ancient glory has shown ruthless determination to dominate its weaker neighbors" See? Too many adjectives, it slows the flow down. There are also superfluous verbs like 'shown' and even more damning, 'is undertaken' - only in cemeteries and bureaucracy should any undertaking happen.

'Is determined to ruthlessly dominate' would be better, or even 'is determined to crush/oppress/enslave' because ruthlessness is sort of expected and does not really need a mention. The assault - is undertaken etc should be rewritten too to a more direct sentence, or several. The (Name?) attacked a small three-star system with overwhelming force, (etc). For example.

[Richard]

Or you could say "Know about the Trajan Rebellion? This is that, only in space." :-)

[[deleted user]]

Richard 2060 wrote: "Or you could say "Know about the Trajan Rebellion? This is that, only in space." :-)"

Wow. Ad copy doesn't seem to be my best talent, so maybe I need to hire a blurb writer. To really simplify it how about: "Hey! Yeah, YOU! Spaceships!-Invasions!-War! You gotta read this! Now!"

[Micah]

Ken wrote: "Wow. Ad copy doesn't seem to be my best talent..."

Don't be discouraged or take it personally. Writing a novel is hard. Editing is worse. Blurbs? Impossible.

[[deleted user]]

Micah wrote: "Don't be discouraged or take it personally. Writing a novel is hard. Editing is worse. Blurbs? Impossible."

No, of course not taking it personally. And I appreciate the input. Would like more, though, and especially a debate on flamboyant adjectives in blurbs that you would never use in the book. Don't they attract attention? Isn't that what you want in a blurb? If you leave out the adjectives, you run the risk of watering it down so thin that you might as well be describing a textbook instead of a Sci-Fi story that you want people to think of as exciting.

[Christina]

There's a fine line, but I sure as heck ain't no tightrope walker, so I'm not sure how much I can help. ;)

The first line still sounds like a run on to me. Based on what you have told us already, my suggestion is two sentences. In the first, briefly describe the glory that was the Solar Empire and what became of them. In the second, describe the new power that is rising from the remnants. Beyond that, I wouldn't tinker too much.

[[deleted user]]

I agree that the first sentence does seem to be a problem. It's very difficult to write because I don't want it to mislead, and I don't want it to be a spoiler. As written it gives an almost perfect description of the situation in the early part of the story, but it still reads as a clunker to most people. I'll have to work on that. Thanks to all for your input. (maybe if I replace the first sentence with that "Hey! Yeah, YOU!" blurb...no?)

[Christina]

Add in a few descriptive 'pew pew pew!' noises and I think you're on to something!

[[deleted user]]

Christina wrote: "Add in a few descriptive 'pew pew pew!' noises and I think you're on to something!"

Great idea, but let's try this first. Another rewrite:

"From the ashes of the outer remnants of the old Solar Empire, a powerful new rival to its former glory has risen. After ruthlessly dominating its neighbors, the Core Empire launches a new campaign that will take it deeper than ever into the old empire's realm. Its target is a small, unassuming, triple-star system, but when the assault begins with a force that should have been overwhelming, the result is more than puzzling. The attack quickly becomes a clash of interstellar empires, in which things are never as they seem, and the fates of entire worlds ride on the outcome of a macabre chess game played on an epic scale."

[Christina]

Yes, the opening is much better now. I would take the comma after unassuming out because triple star system would be a single noun.

[[deleted user]]

Done. And I also changed "former" back to "ancient," as a more accurate description. Now you why I never participate in reviewing other people's blurbs; I suck at it. Much obliged, as my daddy used to say.

[David]

Just a few suggestions.

"From the dying outer remnants of the old Solar Empire, a powerful new rival to its former glory has risen. After ruthlessly dominating its neighbors, the Core Empire launches a new campaign deeper than ever into the old empire's realm. Its target is a small, unassuming, triple-star system, but when the assault begins with an overwhelming force, the result is more than puzzling. The attack triggers a clash of interstellar empires, in which the fates of entire worlds ride on the outcome of a macabre chess game played on an epic scale."

I find the reference to "Core" and "outer remnants" a little confusing, though there may well be a reason for that.

I never feel confident writing blurb either and usually have to go through a lot of iterations. My latest attempt for one of my short stories is:

"Faults in food production systems, the communications network crumbling and industrial plants reeling; Commissioner Bellarbi's administration of the Information Systems Investigation Authority, ISIA, wasn't going well. Cyber-terrorists are penetrating security protocols and sabotaging the world's technology systems. To make things worse, the only person who might be able to help is her. Maryum Castaneda is retired, cranky and doesn't suffer fools. She's a legend and a relic,, but might be the only one who can help, if she'll agree."

Which I don't feel is too bad, but still not 100% happy with it. You should have seen the previous attempts though :-)

[[deleted user]]

It looks fine to me, but after my long and tedious struggle I may not be the one to judge. (I would leave out the acronym, though--ISIA.)

[Ryan]

David wrote:
"Faults in food production systems, the communications network crumbling and industrial plants reeling; Commissioner Bellarbi's administration of the Information Systems Investigation Authority, ISIA, wasn't going well. Cyber-terrorists are penetrating security protocols and sabotaging the world's technology systems. To make things worse, the only person who might be able to help is her. Maryum Castaneda is retired, cranky and doesn't suffer fools. She's a legend and a relic,, but might be the only one who can help, if she'll agree."

Here's my take on this blurb:


Commissioner Bellarbi's administration of the Information Systems Invegstigation Authority isn't going well. If faults in food production systems, a crumbling communications network, and industrial plants reeling (FROM WHAT? -- or change reeling to something that better explains what the problems are with the plants) aren't enough for him/her (not sure the gender of the Comissioner) to contend with, Cyber-terrorists are also sabotaging the world's technology systems.
Mayrum Casteneda, is a legend (with what? ISIA?)-- a retired, cranky relic who doesn't suffer fools-- and might be the only person who can help, if she'll agree.

I put the people first in the sentences because they are the draw. I took out penetrating security protocols because the sabotaging was more powerful and you've already told me they are Cyber-Terrorists. At this point I don't need to know how they are able to sabotage the world's technology systems. I reworded the last bit to say she is the only one who can help only once.

Again, just my take :)

[David]

Thanks, both Ken and Ryan, for the feedback. Lots to think about there :-)

[Andrea]

I agree with Ryan that the character should pop in first--it makes the story easier to relate to and gives me someone to empathize with.

I'd keep it present tense.

I also wanted to know what made Maryum legendary. A hint of that might up the intrigue in your summary. And maybe drop in some stakes there? What happens if Commissioner Bellarbi fails? Does the world economy implode? Does he/she lose his/her job? Get charged with negligence? Just push the drama a bit more.

[Andrea]

Ken wrote: "Christina wrote: "Add in a few descriptive 'pew pew pew!' noises and I think you're on to something!"

Great idea, but let's try this first. Another rewrite:

"From the ashes of the outer remnants..."

The repetition in the first sentence of "of the" bothered me because I felt it complicated the description. I had to read it a couple times to understand what you were describing. I wonder if you could just simplify to: "From the outer remnants of the old Solar Empire, a powerful new rival has arisen." "old" already implies that the Solar Empire's glory days are past, and "ashes" I felt muddled things later--I didn't realize that the Solar Empire still existed.

Suggest for second sentence: "...the Core Empire launches a new campaign that takes it deep into the old empire's realm."

And I wanted to know more about the puzzling result and how that links to the interstellar empire clash. The puzzling result felt like too much of a tease and too small of a segue into the war.

Best of luck! I always love a good SF space opera :)

[David]

Thanks again for the comments. Much appreciated food for thought :-)

[Andrea]

I'm working on the blurb for book 2 in my urban fantasy series, Spare Changeling. Here's my first stab at it. Am I trying to cover too much?

"Nicole has the most thankless job in Portland. As the only living Changeling, she’s charged with closing the doorways between the Fae and mortal worlds, as well as keeping the two worlds separate.

When she’s framed for a murder she didn't commit, she convinces the Fae Court to free her on one condition: find out who really committed the crime. The problem is, it has to be another Changeling, and she's the only one out there. As far as she knows, anyway. Did she mention she doesn’t get paid for this gig?

In addition to the small matter of the murder, she's trying (and failing at) the whole dating after divorce thing. And don't get her started on her Fae hound--her only minion, with a tongue sharper than her claws, whose loyalties are always in question. Nicole would like to think they're friends, at least until the next time her hound ditches her when the going gets tough.

With only a month on her countdown-to-execution clock, and a quickly shrinking pool of suspects, Nicole must seek out allies and uncover the motive behind the murder. There are currents stirring amongst the Fae, conspiracies and feuds she is only beginning to understand, that may change the balances of power forever."

[Micah]

Andrea: It's well written, but I think the third paragraph is TMD (too much detail). Those are things that will be found out in the reading and I don't think you need to spell them out here. They also seem rather trivial next to the murder charge, for which she'll be executed if she doesn't find the culprit(s). So putting that much emphasis on them in the blurb somewhat devalues the urgency you're trying to instill in the reader.

And that's what a blurb is for: not explaining the plot, but firing the urgency to read in a potential customer's mind. Book covers are to grab the attention and draw them in, blurbs are to instill the need to buy--uh--read.

It's really easy to get bogged down in trying to distill every nuances of the plot into a few paragraphs without giving away the ending. But it's really just the bones of the story--the basic conflict--that needs explaining (IMHO).

...Remind me of that next time I write one, will you?

[Andrea]

Thanks, Micah! That really helps. How about if I get rid of the third paragraph altogether; does this work?

"Nicole has the most thankless job in Portland. As the only living Changeling, she’s charged with closing the doorways between the Fae and mortal worlds, as well as keeping the two worlds separate.

When she’s framed for a murder she didn't commit, she convinces the Fae Court to free her on one condition: find out who really committed the crime. The problem is, it has to be another Changeling, and she's the only one out there. As far as she knows, anyway. Did she mention she doesn’t get paid for this gig?

With only a month on her countdown-to-execution clock, and a quickly shrinking pool of suspects, Nicole must seek out allies and uncover the motive behind the murder. There are currents stirring amongst the Fae, conspiracies and feuds she is only beginning to understand, that may change the balances of power forever."

[[deleted user]]

Andrea wrote: "Thanks, Micah! That really helps. How about if I get rid of the third paragraph altogether; does this work?..."

I would tighten it up a bit. My take on it:

"As the only living Changeling, Nicole is charged with closing the doorways between the Fae and mortal worlds, and keeping both worlds separate. When she’s framed for a murder she didn't commit, she convinces the Fae Court to free her on one condition: find out who really committed the crime. But the crime was committed by a Changeling, and she's convinced that she's the only one out there.

With just a month until her execution, Nicole must seek out allies to help her uncover the mystery. But currents are stirring amongst the Fae, along with conspiracies and feuds she's only beginning to understand, and those may change the balance of power forever."

Of course, I've already established that I'm not the best blurbist out there, so I'm sure others can find even better improvements.

[David]

I'd suggest tightening it up a little more -

"As the only living Changeling, Nicole is charged with closing the doorways between the Fae and mortal worlds keeping them separate. When she’s framed for a murder, she convinces the Fae Court to free her on one condition: find out who really committed the crime. But the crime was committed by a Changeling, and she's the only one.

With just a month until her execution, Nicole must find allies to help her solve the mystery. But currents are stirring amongst the Fae, along with conspiracies and feuds she's only beginning to understand, which may change the balance of power forever."

I left out the "murder she didn't commit" because to me if she's been framed then it's stands to reason that she didn't commit it plus it seems a bit clichéd.

I also thought that "find allies to help her" could be left out perhaps, so as to keep the focus on the lead.

Just my suggestions.

[[deleted user]]

I agree with leaving out "she didn't commit," but shortening it too much can make it too cryptic. I think this sentence needs to be rewritten to make it stronger, my opinion: "With just a month until her execution, Nicole must find allies to help her uncover the mystery."
One suggestion: "With just a month until her execution, Nicole has to make every day count if she hopes to uncover the mystery."

Andrea, we're just brainstorming here. It's possible that none of this sounds good to you, or maybe you could take some of it and weave it into your own version.

[Andrea]

Thanks so much, David and Ken! I want to keep the light/silly tone, but I loved some of your suggestions for compressing it a bit. I appreciate it!!

[J.]

Here's a revised blurb for my first novel. Any thoughts are appreciated.

“We were fighting a typical religious war until the goat-­men arrived.”

For eight years war raged between the armies of King Traden of Garmundland, convert to the Church of the Holy Family, and those united with the Holy Church of Nasir, the one true god. Victory was in the Nasirians' grasp as they lay siege to the pagan city of Silverwic. The cannon were in place to begin the final assault.

That’s when the Sarbarah, a race of slavers, entered the war. The "goat-men," who once enslaved the human race for thousands of years, threatened to reconquer the lands they had lost.

A Curse upon the Saints tells the story of a bitter religious conflict from perspectives of characters on both sides.

Renwick, a corrupt cardinal whose ambitions lead him to forge an alliance with the Sarbarah.
Nurik, Renwick's protégé, forced to choose between loyalty to his mentor and the greater good.
Marisol, a young Nasirian priestess whose faith is unravelled when she learns of the scope of her church's corruption.
Frederich, a solicitor and amateur musician enslaved by the Sarbarah, who must use his wits to survive long enough to escape.
Leoda, Frederich's wife and priestess of the Holy Family, whose use of magic indentures her to the service of a cruel prince.

Can the faithful of both religions not only make peace, but also unite in the face of this new threat to humanity?

[K.]

Trying this again. Especially since I think I'm about a week from sending this monster out to preorder - cover permitting.

Remember the Shadows
Book 2 in The Followers of Torments

Nameless has won a victory from the constant threat of death in the Arenas, but he has not yet won his freedom. To survive and continue with his personal war, he has accepted the position granted by his Arena victory. With his first Silk, he hoped build the necessary power base from which to achieve his goals. Yet fate was not through wreaking havoc in his life. Once again he is forced to leave his familiar world to venture into a strange environment.

When his personal war cost him more than he ever imagined it would, Nameless is forced to forsake the Realm he knows to find the next new start of his fighting stable. He emerged into a world opposite of what he knew, thrown back on the oaths he gave his goddess and himself. Will these obligations be enough to blind him to the lure of hope, gentleness while he focuses on preserving the culture he finds fault with?

[Hákon]

English is not my first language so I may be way off base with this but here is my input.

Maybe it would be better to avoid having "he won" and "he has not yet won" in the same sentence. I'm not sure how to put this, but it feels like an echo. So I would use: "but he is still a slave." or "but he is still unfree." or something like that instead.

I think something is missing here: "he hoped build" Should it be: "With his first Silk, he hoped to build. . . "

I think I would also add a word and take another one out here: "When his personal war cost him becomes higher more than he ever imagined it would,"

Otherwise I think this blurb gets the job done.

[K.]

Hákon wrote: "English is not my first language so I may be way off base with this but here is my input.

Maybe it would be better to avoid having "he won" and "he has not yet won" in the same sentence. I'm not s..."

Thanks, Hakon. There are times having someone unfamiliar with the language read through. Because you aren't as familiar as a native speaker, you catch things others might miss.

Nameless has won a victory from the constant threat of death in the Arenas, but does not yet control his freedom. To survive and continue with his personal war, he has accepted the position granted by his Arena victory. With his first Silk, he hoped to build the necessary power base from which to achieve his goals. Yet fate was not through wreaking havoc in his life. Once again he is forced to leave his familiar world to venture into a strange environment.

When his personal war becomes higher than he ever imagined it would, Nameless is forced to forsake the Realm he knows to find the next new start of his fighting stable. He emerged into a world opposite of what he knew, thrown back on the oaths he gave his goddess and himself. Will these obligations be enough to blind him to the lure of hope, gentleness while he focuses on preserving the culture he finds fault with?

With the edits. Thanks, again. It does come across stronger.

[David]

A few suggestions for J. I'd leave out the character descriptions or try work them more directly into the blurb perhaps.


“We were fighting a typical religious war until the goat-­men arrived.”

For eight years war raged between the armies of King Traden of Garmundland, convert to the Church of the Holy Family, and those united with the Holy Church of Nasir, the one true god.

Victory was in the Nasirians' grasp as they lay siege to the pagan city of Silverwic when the Sarbarah, a race of slavers, entered the war. The "goat-men," who once enslaved the human race for thousands of years, seeking to reconquer the lands they had lost.

A Curse upon the Saints tells the story of a bitter religious conflict from perspectives of characters on both sides.

Can the faithful of both religions unite to defeat this new threat to humanity?

[David]

K a few ideas for yours.

Nameless has snatched victory from the constant threat of death in the Arenas, but still doesn't control his freedom. To survive and continue his personal war, he has accepted the position granted by his Arena victory, aiming to leverage his first Silk to build the power base necessary to achieve his goals. Yet fate is not through wreaking havoc and once again he is forced to leave his familiar world.

When the stakes become higher than he ever imagined it would, Nameless has to forsake the Realm he knows to find the core of his new fighting stable. Traveling through a world opposite to what he knows, even the oaths he gave his goddess and himself are tested. Will these obligations protect/shield him from the lure of hope and gentleness enough and will he preserve the culture he finds fault with?

[Andrea]

Hi K! My critique and suggestions are below :)

First, you waver between past tense and present tense. I think blurbs tend to be in present tense. I think it would feel more immediate if you stay in present tense throughout.

First two sentences--can you combine these in some way? He wins a victory, he accepts his victory, he escapes the Arena.

You've got two instances of passive voice, where Nameless "is forced" into action. Can you rephrase so that Nameless is making a choice and/or is the one guiding the story?

In general, I thought the blurb could get more specific. I'm not familiar with Nameless's story, and this blurb is going to be some readers' first introduction to your world. Vague things that could be more specific:
-"personal war" Is this a rivalry with someone else? Vengeance?
-"achieve his goals" What goals?
-the end of the first paragraph (could be fixed by removing passive voice). Where is he going? What's happened to him?
-I can't tell if the end of the second paragraph is the same as the end of the first--some turmoil causes Nameless to travel to some new place?
-"thrown back on the oaths..." I wasn't sure exactly what this meant. Is he back to relying on only these oaths? Has he been betrayed by them in some way? Can you narrow this down by using more specific language?
-I think you could use a stronger hook at the end. Maybe truncate the conflict a little? "Will he have to break his oaths in order to preserve a culture he finds fault with?" Right now it's a bit difficult to decipher.

I get the sense of a rounded story with a clear arc, but the blurb itself feels a bit muddled to me right now. I did like the bit about the Silk, because even though we're never told exactly what it is, there's enough context to guess.

I hope this helps!

[K.]

David - you nailed the feeling that I've been trying to get since I started the blurb! That helps, thanks. Now, I can see about the next step.

Andrea - I'll play with it some more and see what I can do to refine it a little more. This blurb has been driving me nuts. Partly because it keeps trying to morph into a series blurb, not a book blurb.

With the feed back, I might actually be able to whip this thing into shape. Thanks everyone. Taking notes, and hopefully learning it, instead of parroting.

[Ashe]

A few of you previously gave me some feedback on my blurb and, after finally getting moved and blah blah, I decided to go back and check it out, see if I couldn't take your advice and tweak it. I think it might still be a little awkward in a spot or two but here it is:

The Wastelands mining town of Greenreach Bluffs is deteriorating. With each new day, its inhabitants grow more fearful and paranoid, plagued by an unseen force. Madness threatens to swallow them as nightmares and hallucinations overtake them. Murder makes it all too clear: the town has a demon problem. Two demon hunters have failed already. Greenreach Bluffs is ready to break as a new hunter appears: Grimluk, the Orc, arrives to answer their call for salvation.

[David]

Hi Ashe

Here's my take on it.

The Wastelands mining town of Greenreach Bluffs is dying. Plagued by an unseen force its inhabitants grow more fearful and paranoid with each new day as nightmares and hallucinations overwhelm them. Two demon hunters have already failed and the town is at breaking point. When Grimluk, the Orc, a new hunter, arrives will he be their salvation?

[Ashe]

I almost went with the question ending for the last bit but wasn't sure. Appreciate the feedback.

[K.]

Went with Ashe's reconstruction of my blurb, since that one hit everything, and I couldn't come up with anything better for the long description.

The short description is:
Nameless, a Silk turned Runner continues his personal struggle to define his place in society. With his first Silks, he attempts to change the system from within through the very means he despises, but fate hands him an unwelcome reward for his efforts. Will the oaths he made to himself, his goddess, and his Silks provide enough direction for him to succeed when all else fails?

Thanks everyone for your wonderful help. Now, I'm just waiting to see if the conversion goes through the first time.

[Hákon]

I have been working on this blurb for a few days, trying to get it right, but I'm still not sure if it works. I'm going for a slightly comic voice (hopefully) because some of the stories are comic. What do you think, does it work?

A challenge was set. Write fiction using only one hundred words for story and title. Chances are this blurb will also be one hundred words. Anyway, the theme was science fiction tropes. Working within these boundaries the writer created one hundred micro-stories and vignettes. In these tiny works we hop from planet to planet, from the future to the past, sometimes the main thing is to entertain the reader, other times to make him think. So come along and enjoy the trip. On the way we’ll see spaceships, dictators, robots, aliens, zombies, mad scientists, and one . . . terribly angry shrimp?

[Richard]

I'd change it to "...other times to make him or her think" (don't want to alienate half your potential readership before you even start!) Other than that, Hakon, it's not bad and has already got me intrigued by the sound of your book.

[K.]

A shrimp? OK, now you've got me curious. I like the fact you listed the mix of story tropes you touched on in your collection. Had me laughing, and has me curious to see what on earth you've done, Hakon.

[Hákon]

Richard wrote: "I'd change it to "...other times to make him or her think" (don't want to alienate half your potential readership before you even start!) Other than that, Hakon, it's not bad and has already got me..."

Thanks Richard. You're right, it would be much better to have it "him or her." I'm going to change that.

[Hákon]

K. wrote: "A shrimp? OK, now you've got me curious. I like the fact you listed the mix of story tropes you touched on in your collection. Had me laughing, and has me curious to see what on earth you've don..."

Thanks K.

[Christina]

I too am intrigued by the angry shrimp and your use of tropes. I love tropes. All I would change is the word blurb to description only because blurb is one of our 'industry' words that people may not understand.

[Hákon]

Thanks Christina, you're probably right about the word blurb. I think description would be better.

[Owen]

Hákon wrote: "I have been working on this blurb for a few days, trying to get it right, but I'm still not sure if it works. I'm going for a slightly comic voice (hopefully) because some of the stories are comic...."

That is a perfectly fine blurb to me, although I agree with the two recommendations made previously.

Are you trying to make this shorter? If so, there are a couple of things that strike me as not strictly necessary:
"Write fiction using only one hundred words for story and title." could be: "Write a story using only one hundred words."

Next, I'm not quite sure what the difference is between micro-stories and vignettes, so I'm not sure you need to mention both in the blurb. (Maybe I'm just ignorant.)

Also, "The challenge" has a bit more punch to me than "A challenge."

If you are going for a slight comic voice, maybe "Anyway, ..." could be changed to something else? I'm afraid I don't have a suggestion there that isn't ludicrous.

My punctuation sucks, but there's a transition between "from the future to the past" and "sometimes ..." that seems to need more than a comma?

Angry shrimp are awesome!

Maybe that is helpful (probably not). There is little in an author's duties that sucks more than writing blurbs (IMHO).

[Owen]

If I'm, going to comment on others, I suppose I ought to offer ours (to our upcoming book) to the flames (so to speak). We have gotten feedback on this from our beta readers and dichotomy emerged there. So we are curious what everyone here thinks.

The title is "Asylum," and it is the third book in our series. Blurb:
As a girl, Loralynn Kennakris survived eight years of the most brutal slavery imaginable. As a young woman, she’s become a fighter pilot in the front lines of a war against the people who enslaved her. But the worst enemies she must face aren’t on the battlefield—they are the ones she holds within.

Armed. Dangerous. And nothing left to lose . . .

First they called her a hero. Then they called her a medical problem. Now they’re calling her a criminal. It’s been an exciting first year on active duty for Lieutenant Loralynn Kennakris.

She started it by proving herself to be the Nereidian League’s most promising young fighter pilot. She’s earned decorations, and gained both admirers and enemies. But those rumors wouldn’t go away: dangerous mental instability, hostile tendencies, latent psychosis. Pushed too far, she did the unforgivable, and her enemies finally have the excuse they’ve been waiting for.

They are right about one thing, though: Kris is dangerous, and now she has nothing left to lose.

[Hákon]

Owen wrote: "Maybe that is helpful (probably not). There is little in an author's duties that sucks more than writing blurbs (IMHO). "

Thanks Owen. I think your comments are helpful. And I agree, blurbs aren't the most interesting part of writing. :-)

Maybe I should just begin a new sentence instead of using a comma there. It could be better. I'm always trying to figure out the punctuation rules, but still haven't figure them out.

About the micro-stories and vignettes, I really wasn't sure if I should mention both, but I ended up using them both because there is a slight difference. Micro stories have a beginning, middle and end, while vignettes don't have to have a beginning or end, often just describing one moment, and some of my stories do just that.

[Hákon]

Owen, I like the blurb. I feel like I get a good sense for the character, where she is in her life and what she is facing. There is enough tension in it. There is only one thing I'd like to ask, could it be better to add one word here: "Armed. Dangerous. And with nothing left to lose . . ." I'm not sure if I'm right though.

[Richard]

Hakon, I think a semi-colon after "from the future to the past" (and a couple of colons in there as well for good measure). Adding in Christina and Owen's suggestions too, you get something more like:

A challenge was set: to write a story using only one hundred words (chances are, this description will also be one hundred words). Anyway, the theme was science fiction tropes: working within these boundaries (etc).

And I'm even more ignorant than Owen: I thought "vignette" was what you put on your salad...