Blurb feedback thread

[Christina]

Richard wrote: "Sadly, I am not that person. I have read it through, though, and offer these few crumbs:

First paragraph:
- 'blip' (a sudden burst of something) sounds odd - I'd say something more like 'flyspeck..."

Bless you, Richard! You have given me a good start for shaping this monster into something workable.

[Turhan]

Christina wrote: "Okay, this is my terrible, awful, too long, and not very well phrased first attempt to describe my next novel. I plan to heavily rewrite, but I would love any insight fresh eyes may have while I am..."

I hacked and chopped this and obviously I don't know the story, so please feel free to tell me I'm out of my mind (yes, I know I am) Here ya go...

On the surface, Blackbird is indistinguishable from any other small Midwestern town. But, it hides a dark and deadly secret. The Discordant, creatures from the realm of Chaos, flock to Blackbird in droves, lured by the unusually high density of lost souls.

Seth is an Observer, an agent of Order tasked with identifying the lost, and he is not having a good week. First, the Guardian he has worked with for nearly a century and a half has decided she’s had enough and returns to the Cycle. Then, things go from bad to worse when the latest Discordant to terrorize Blackbird turns out to be Amara, the Femme Fatale who not only murdered Seth over a century before, but in doing so, ensured her own invincibility by joining their souls.

Amara’s demands are clear: Join the Discordant, or watch Blackbird fall into Chaos. To stop her, Seth must either sacrifice his own soul or somehow break Amara's bond. But without the sight of a Guardian, both the Observer and Warrior are at disadvantage and time is running out.

[Christina]

Thanks Turhan! I will be molding this puppy into shape and have a revision to present tomorrow, when I am more awake and alert.

[Christina]

Okay, second attempt:

At first glance, Blackbird seems like any other small Midwestern town. But behind the bland and unremarkable facade lies a dark and deadly secret. The Discordant, creatures from the realm of Chaos, flock to Blackbird, lured by its unusually high number of lost souls.

As an Observer, Seth is tasked with identifying the lost, an unenviable job under normal circumstances, but Seth's life is about to take a turn for the worse. When Blackbird's Guardian decides to return to the Cycle, the Creator replaces her with Desmond, a powerful and intimidating Warrior who isn’t sure if Seth has what it takes to maintain the balance of Order. At the same time, a magical disturbance draws in even more Discordant, including Amara, the femme fatale who murdered Seth to gain invincibility.

Amara’s demands are clear: Join the Discordant, or watch Blackbird fall to Chaos. To stop her, Seth must sacrifice his own soul or put all of his faith in a psychic’s vague prediction. But without a Guardian, both the Observer and Warrior are at a disadvantage and time is running out.

[Micah]

I have troubles with phrases like "At first glance" and "dark and deadly secret." They're pretty cliché. And in the first case, gratuitous, because you already say "Blackbird seems like any other small Midwestern town." "Seems like" already implies that the town's looks are deceiving.

From that first paragraph, I'm wondering if the Discordant are really the town's deep, dark secret. I mean, the real deep, dark secret to me would seem to be the "unusually high number of lost souls" (a phrase which also sounds fairly weak to me).

I don't know if the story goes there, but that would seem the more pressing issue...why so many lost souls? And if that's not a big thing in the story, then I don't think you really need to be quantifying it in the blurb.

(Don't mean to sound negative, that's just my gut reaction to the first part.)

[Micah]

Christina wrote: "As an Observer, Seth is tasked with ..."

The second parargraph just gets really, really confusing to me. I have to stop and try to parse it out to tell who's the main character. I mean we start by reading about Seth, then we're off to The Gaurdian, the Cycle, the Creator, Desmond (who?), and then to Arma.

I think it needs seriously chopped down, simplified and reorganized. Remember, you don't have to tell the whole set up, you just have to give the main conflict and a taste of the setting.

[Micah]

[Blurbs are hard.]

[Turhan]

Micah wrote: "Christina wrote: "As an Observer, Seth is tasked with ..."

The second parargraph just gets really, really confusing to me. I have to stop and try to parse it out to tell who's the main character. ..."

I was aiming for that with my chopped out/streamlined version of it.

[Turhan]

Micah wrote: "[Blurbs are hard.]"

Yup, it appears my blurb is too long too.

[Christina]

Micah wrote: "[Blurbs are hard.]"

No joke. Someone find me a disgruntled advertising exec who will work for peanuts!

You've hit on all the points that have been giving me the most grief. This is the first book in a series, so I want to convey an overview of the setting in paragraph 1, but narrow down to the story in paragraph 2. Ah well. I think I'll go back to edits for a while and let it stew.

[Micah]

Drinking heavily doesn't help but it'll take your mind off of it for a while. (Been there, done that.)

[Ashe]

I think it might benefit you if you leave out the part about Amara killing Seth. Maybe something like "a femme fatale from Seth's past" could do the job? The other comments hit good points but that stuck out to me. It feels like it gives too much away, ya know?

Also, is Blackbird sorta like Sunnydale? Like, friendly little town that actually sits on a Hellmouth type of thing? Is that the vibe or are we talkin Stephen King's Maine towns?

That's all I really feel I can add. And the latter part is more just my curiosity though the name does lead me more to the King feeling than Sunnydale.

[Christina]

Ashe wrote: "I think it might benefit you if you leave out the part about Amara killing Seth. Maybe something like "a femme fatale from Seth's past" could do the job? The other comments hit good points but th..."

Thanks, Ashe! I was just looking at that particular line. As for the vibe, think more along the lines of economically defunct small city that everyone who grows up in wants to leave, but no one can really point to exactly what makes it so unpleasant. (I may have used some personal experience in this part)

[Christina]

Micah wrote: "Drinking heavily doesn't help but it'll take your mind off of it for a while. (Been there, done that.)"

I dare say, this might be the best advice yet. ;)

[Ashe]

Sounds like the town my grandparents live in. Except I can tell you exactly why it's so goddamn unpleasant. Even without resorting to "because Oklahoma."

[K.]

Ashe wrote: "Sounds like the town my grandparents live in. Except I can tell you exactly why it's so goddamn unpleasant. Even without resorting to "because Oklahoma.""

LIKE! Where's the blasted like button for this statement?

[Turhan]

K. wrote: "Ashe wrote: "Sounds like the town my grandparents live in. Except I can tell you exactly why it's so goddamn unpleasant. Even without resorting to "because Oklahoma.""

LIKE! Where's the blasted..." Here, use mine!

[[deleted user]]

I think the best blurb I've ever written is the one I wrote for the book I'm about to release. I wrote it just as I began the book, so I didn't have a lot of extraneous stuff about the story that I wanted to squeeze in. I have polished it over a few times, and being my best blurb doesn't necessarily make it a good one, so I probably need some feedback.

"From the ashes of the outer remnants of the old Solar Empire, a powerful new rival to its ancient glory is showing an aggressive and ruthless determination to bring a host of weaker neighbors under its influence. So far the vast Core Empire has easily outmatched all of its rivals. But its newest campaign will take it deeper than ever into the realm of the old Solar Empire. And when the assault on a small, unassuming triple-star system is undertaken with what should have been overwhelming force, the result is more than puzzling. This is an epic story of the clash of interstellar empires, in which things are not always as they seem, and the fates of entire worlds ride on the decision of one man who finds all of the pieces to the puzzle."

[K.]

Turhan wrote: "K. wrote: "Ashe wrote: "Sounds like the town my grandparents live in. Except I can tell you exactly why it's so goddamn unpleasant. Even without resorting to "because Oklahoma.""

LIKE! Where's ..."

Will do, and thanks!

[Christina]

Ken wrote: "I think the best blurb I've ever written is the one I wrote for the book I'm about to release. I wrote it just as I began the book, so I didn't have a lot of extraneous stuff about the story that ..."

Hi Ken, I seem to have missed that you posted this earlier.
The first line seems a bit clunky. I would cut it down or make it two sentences. Not sure how this fits with the story, but here's my suggeation:
From the ashes of the outer remnants of the old Solar Empire, a powerful new rival emerges, showing an aggressive and ruthless determination to bring its weaker neighbors under its influence.

Beyond that, it is clear and concise. I think there needs to be a comma after 'So far.'

The last line though, I'm not sure why, but 'one man who finds...' seems flat. Is he the hero and he has to find all of the pieces? Or is he the villain who happens to find the pieces and does terrible things?

[[deleted user]]

Thanks Christina. Your first line is good, but it doesn't quite convey the story, or set it up in the right way. The intent was to show that the new empire was competing with the old empire's "ancient glory," and not with the empire itself. Not separating the two clearly might constitute a spoiler; the old empire is supposed to be dead. Would the term "ashes" by itself convey that clearly enough? To me it doesn't, but others may have a different opinion. I may still use your version, though.

I felt that a comma after "So far" would interrupt the rhythm, and probably isn't necessary in a blurb. The last line raises the question: "Who is this guy?--and what's the puzzle?" I thought it would generate just a little more curiosity, but I could leave it off.

[Christina]

Ken wrote: "Thanks Christina. Your first line is good, but it doesn't quite convey the story, or set it up in the right way. The intent was to show that the new empire was competing with the old empire's "an..."

Yeah, I wasn't sure if I was taking out crucial info. I think I might be conditioned from decades of cliche movie trailers to expect any sentence starting with " from the..." to end with "comes the...' so it looked a little cumbersome to my assimilated brain.

With the last line, I think it's just the wording that sticks out for me. If who he is is to remain a mystery, that is certainly okay. Maybe rearrange the sentence to end with: "...and the decision of one man who finds all of the pieces of the puzzle will decide the fates of entire worlds."

As for commas, I may start a comma thread to see if I am an overuser. Nobody wants to be known as the William Shatner of literature. ;)

[Turhan]

"Rising out of the ashes of the old Solar Empire, a powerful new rival to its ancient glory is showing ruthless determination to bring a host of weaker neighbors under its influence.

The vast Core Empire continues to subdue all its rivals, but its latest campaign will take it deeper than ever into the realm of the old Solar Empire and when the assault on a small, unassuming triple-star system is undertaken with what should have been overwhelming force, the result is mystifying.

This is the epic story of the clash of interstellar empires, in which circumstances are not always as they seem and the fates of entire worlds ride on the decision of one anti-hero who unearths all of the pieces to the puzzle."

I took out 'puzzling' because you also used 'puzzle' at the end which made it a little repetitious.

My version is not necessarily an improvement of yours, it's just a different one that perhaps you could take and use elements of, or not.

[[deleted user]]

Thanks for the input, guys. The suggestions are all good and I'll use them to consider improvements to what I have. It does appear that I'm very close to actually having a good blurb this time.

[Russell]

Hi everyone. This is my first post, and I'm excited to be a part of this community. Here's the blurb I've been using for my book. I'd love some feedback:

Until now, Chintz was a relatively normal guy with a relatively normal cat. For example, neither he, nor his cat, had never journeyed to a synthetic parallel universe. He had never encountered a teleporting baby or an emotionally mature computer. He could probably count on one hand the number of philosophical discussions he’d had with people who hold multiple degrees in advanced physics. And thus far, his relationship with the voices in his head had been purely platonic.

Now, Chintz finds himself working alongside a dysfunctional team of scientists and their astonishing creations, seeking answers to age-old questions, answers that could change our concept of humanity. Of course, that’s only if they can survive federal law enforcement, starvation, psychopathic figments of imagination, the hostile old bastard who lives across the street, and the end of the known universe.

Well, let’s amend that to “a universe, that only some people know about.” But for Chintz, that may not be any better at all.

[Christina]

Russell wrote: "Hi everyone. This is my first post, and I'm excited to be a part of this community. Here's the blurb I've been using for my book. I'd love some feedback:

Until now, Chintz was a relatively normal ..."

Hi Russell, welcome to the group. Your book sounds odd, but we like odd around here. The first thing that sticks out to me is the double negative in this sentence:

For example, neither he, nor his cat, had never journeyed to a synthetic parallel universe.

The last sentence is a bit confusing as well. Are we talking about the same universe? This isn't clear because at the end of the second paragraph you mention the end of the known universe, but then when you ammend, you no longer mention any peril.

Beyond that, it is certainly intriguing.

[Russell]

Those sound like easy fixes, which are the kinds I like. Thanks!

[Russell]

Hey Christina...I just double checked and it is correct to say neither/nor. In your defense, I wasn't sure about that either. My editor wrote this blurb, and I'm not much of a "nor" user.

[[deleted user]]

I think the offending word is "never." You're saying "neither he nor his cat--never. Double negative. The correct word is "ever."

[Richard]

Russell: first of all, welcome to the Group!

I think the "Until now" and "Now" opening each paragraph repeat a bit - maybe change the first to "Until recently" (or the second to "Suddenly"?); I'd change the "was" to "had been" as well. The second sentence sounds a bit awkward too (the "neither" and the "had never" clash a bit) and I'd cut the "probably" (it sounds as if he's struggling to count up to five!) Also "who hold" to "holding" - and, although I'm certainly no prude, I'd change "bastard" to, well, almost anything else!

So how about this: "Until recently, Chintz had been a relatively normal guy with a relatively normal cat. For example, neither of them had ever journeyed to a synthetic parallel universe. He'd never encountered a teleporting baby or emotionally mature computer. He could count on one hand the number of philosophical discussions he'd had with people holding multiple degrees in advanced physics. And, thus far, his relationship with the voices in his head had been purely platonic.

Suddenly, Chintz finds himself working alongside a dysfunctional team of scientists and their astonishing creations, seeking answers to age-old questions - answers which could change our picture of humanity. Of course, that's only if they can survive federal law enforcement, starvation, psychopathic figments of the imagination, the hostile old sadist who lives across the street...and the end of the known Universe."

I like the sound of this book actually (philosophy/weird stuff is very much my sort of thing).

[Russell]

Got it. The never was a typo and my eyes skipped over it. And I think "until recently" sounds much better, too. I'll ponder the rest. You guys are great.

[Hákon]

Just one minor thing, I think I'd skip "For example" because it is unnecessary. But I have to say, your book sounds quite interesting. :-)

[Turhan]

Edit for Russell's Blurb:

Until now, Chintz and his cat were relatively normal Earthlings. For example, neither of them, had ever journeyed to a synthetic parallel universe. He hadn't ever encountered a teleporting baby or an emotionally mature computer. And thus far, his relationship with the voices in his head had been kinda fun.

Then, everything changed, Chintz finds himself working alongside a dysfunctional team of scientists and their astonishing creations, seeking answers to age-old questions, with answers that could drastically change our concept of humanity. Of course, that’s only if they can survive federal law enforcement, starvation, psychopathic figments of imagination, and the end of the known universe.

Chintz and his cat are on a collision course with destiny and would soon know if, anything, would ever be normal again.

[Richard]

Here's my latest, for my novella

"It seems like a routine tourist trip, taking wealthy guests to the luxury hotel in orbit. But Danish engineers Marius and Abby do not look like tourists, in their plain coveralls. The rich industrialist and his family seem to fit the part better. But everyone on this trip has other plans in mind, plans that will lead to the next big step in humanity’s spread beyond our home planet.

This book, set only fifteen years in the future and involving only realistic technology, is founded on the belief that humanity's future in space depends on proper engineering. Inspired the the engineering cooperative Copenhagen Suborbitals, the author hopes it will encourage young people to become engineers and scientists."

'________________________
wot u think?

[Sue]

Turhan wrote: "Until now, Chintz and his cat were relatively normal Earthlings. ..."

OOPS and Doh! I just realized I edited Turhan's suggested changes, not the actual blurb submission. I am out of time for now, will come back to this later

I love the sound of this book! The blurb needs tightening and a bit of smoothing. I found changes in person distracting (some of it is Chintz and his cat, some just Chintz). I wasn't clear on how the cat really fit in.

The last paragraph is rote/predictable and thus quite out of character with the rest. And why do they (or we) want things to be normal again? Maybe the last paragraph is not necessary if you come up with a last, snappy line to conclude the previous paragraph?

If it were me, I would tighten as follows:
Until now, Chintz and his cat were relatively normal Earthlings. Neither of them had journeyed to a synthetic parallel universe, encountered a teleporting baby, or met an emotionally mature computer. And the voices in Chintz' head had been kinda fun.

Now, Chintz finds himself working alongside [on? with?] a dysfunctional team of scientists and their astonishing creations, seeking answers to age-old questions, answers that could drastically change our [the? their?] concept of humanity. Of course, that’s only if the team ["they" was ambiguous] can survive law enforcement, starvation, and psychopathic figments of imagination. [I tried pulling the last phrase out for a snappy final sentence...] Oh, and maybe the end of the known universe.

[Russell]

Thanks Sue. Turban was actually helping me with mine that I posted yesterday. If you want to look a little further back you can see my original post. That way you won't be editing an edit! I've been using pretty much everyone's suggestions. Thanks again.

[Russell]

Thanks Sue. Turban was actually helping me with mine that I posted yesterday. If you want to look a little further back you can see my original post. That way you won't be editing an edit! I've been using pretty much everyone's suggestions. Thanks again.

[Sue]

Richard 2060 wrote: "Here's my latest, for my novella

"It seems like a routine tourist trip, taking wealthy guests to the luxury hotel in orbit. But Danish engineers Marius and..."

The first paragraph needs more of a sense of plot or conflict. The impression I got is that all the ulterior motives and plans are positive and for the greater good. I wouldn't want to read a book where everybody was nice and got along. Also, niggly: two uses of "but" in a short time.

The second paragraph intrigues me, except for the very last sentence. This belongs in an author interview not the blurb. Makes it sound like the book will be propaganda - and even I know you well enough to know that isn't true! It would definitely be a turn-off for any of the young people you hope to influence.

[Sue]

Russell wrote: "Thanks Sue. Turban was actually helping me with mine that I posted yesterday. If you want to look a little further back you can see my original post. That way you won't be editing an edit! I've bee..."

Yeah I figured that out about the time you were writing this... If you are working on a new draft I should wait until you post that so I'm not giving you notes on stuff already altered.

[Micah]

"Richard 2060 wrote: "Here's my latest, for my novella..."

I agree with Sue. The first paragraph is very vague about what's going on, who's who, and what the major conflict is.

What information does it actually give us?
1) The ship is taking supposed tourists to a luxury hotel in orbt.
2) There are Danish engineers onboard along with an industrialist and his family.
3) Everyone has "other plans in mind" that have something to do with humanity's future in space.

That's not a lot to tease the imagination.

And the second paragraph needs a lot of tightening up:

"Set fifteen years in the future, inspired by the engineering cooperative Copenhagen Suborbitals, and relying only on realistic technology, Spacetug is founded on the belief that humanity's future in space depends on proper engineering."

[Turhan]

Sue wrote: "Turhan wrote: "Until now, Chintz and his cat were relatively normal Earthlings. ..."

OOPS and Doh! I just realized I edited Turhan's suggested changes, not the actual blurb submission. I am out o..."

Sorry Sue, I was going to make a couple of comments about the blurb as well as the edit but I didn't have a second extra, because I had to run out on errands.

[Turhan]

Russell wrote: "Thanks Sue. Turban was actually helping me with mine that I posted yesterday. If you want to look a little further back you can see my original post. That way you won't be editing an edit! I've bee..."

LOL, there goes that predictive text again Turban/Turhan

[Russell]

Haha. That's exactly what happened. Sorry man.

[Turhan]

Russell wrote: "Haha. That's exactly what happened. Sorry man."
Yo!...no need for apologies dude, it's all good :)

[Richard]

Thanks Sue, Micah. I'm struggling a bit with this one. I'm not sure if it's a boring blurb for a story, or a blurb for a boring story. It's hard to set up a short piece without giving away the whole thing.

[[deleted user]]

Okay, I'm back, always looking for approval. I asked for comments in my message #68 on the blurb for my upcoming novel, and got some good suggestions. Having read through my book twice in the editing/proofreading phase, some improvements occurred to me that might more accurately describe the story. Let me know what you think, and if you're into Hard SF/Space Opera, would it grab your attention? Or was the version in #68 better?

"From the ashes of the outer remnants of the old Solar Empire, a powerful new rival to its ancient glory has shown a ruthless determination to bring a host of weaker neighbors under its influence. Until now the vast Core Empire has easily outmatched all of its rivals. But its newest campaign will take it deeper than ever into the realm of the old Solar Empire. And when the assault on a small, unassuming triple-star system is undertaken with what should have been overwhelming force, the result is more than puzzling. The attack becomes a clash of interstellar empires, in which things are never as they seem, and the fates of entire worlds ride on the outcome of a macabre chess game played on an epic scale."

By the way, I weave minor elements of Poe's "The Raven" into the story. It's not horror, and there are no aliens, but it does have a spooky element to it. That's why I now include the word "macabre."

[Richard]

Hi Ken, good generally. Vague sense of too many adjectives... sentence beginning 'And' followed by sentence beginning 'But'... 'with what should have been' awkward... yes, looks interesting.

[[deleted user]]

Thanks, Richard. Leaving most of the adjectives for a moment, I'll eliminate the "And" and "what."

"From the ashes of the outer remnants of the collapsed Solar Empire, a new rival to its ancient glory has shown a ruthless determination to overpower its weaker neighbors. But its newest campaign will take it deeper than ever into the realm of the old Solar Empire. When the assault on a small, unassuming triple-star system is undertaken with a force that should have been overwhelming, the result is more than puzzling. The attack becomes a clash of interstellar empires, in which things are never as they seem, and the fates of entire worlds ride on the outcome of a macabre chess game played on an epic scale."

To my thinking, grand and glorious adjectives are part of the blurb process, to generate energy and excitement...but I could be mistaken. Probably a little too much influence from those old 1950s Sci-Fi monstrosities.

[[deleted user]]

I think I've distilled the excitement out of the blurb I'm working on, so I'll take advantage of the lull in conversation here and offer up yet another iteration of it for judgement:

"From the ashes of the outer remnants of the old Solar Empire, a powerful new rival to its ancient glory has shown ruthless determination to dominate its weaker neighbors. But its newest campaign will take it deeper than ever into the realm of the old Solar Empire. When the assault on a small triple-star system is undertaken with a force that should have been overwhelming, the result is more than puzzling. The attack quickly becomes a clash of interstellar empires, in which things are never as they seem, and the fates of entire worlds ride on the outcome of a macabre chess game played on an epic scale."

I could be wrong, but I think the use of, and choice of, powerful adjectives can make or break the effectiveness of a blurb. Again, perhaps that '50s Sci-Fi movie influence...

[Micah]

Ken, I keep getting stopped by the first sentence:

"From the ashes of the outer remnants of the old Solar Empire, a powerful new rival to its ancient glory has shown ruthless determination to dominate its weaker neighbors."

That reads very awkwardly to me: contradictory.

1) "From the ahses" implies that there is nothing left of the Solar Empire: it's all ruin and ash, otherwise nothing could come out of its ashes...But then I'm confronted with 'outer remnants,' which implies that there is something left of the Solar Empire...or is it only the outer portions of the SE which have collapsed? That's ambiguous to the reader.

2) "A powerful new rival to its ancient glory..." There can be no rivalry if there's nothing left to rival. And if there is something left, why then do we go on to talk about the new power threatening its own neighbors rather than the Solar Empire itself. I think this information is probably extraneous at this point.

3) "... to its ancient glory has shown ruthless determination to dominate its weaker neighbors." We have a confusion of subject here around the word "its". "Its ancient glory" clearly refers back to Solar Empire, but "its weaker neighbors" is ambiguous to whether we're talking about the SE or this new power.

Assuming you meant that the outer portion of the SE has collapsed and a new power has arisen from that sector, and that it is the neighbors of this new power which are in danger of being taken over, I'd propose something more along the line of:

"From the remnants of the old Solar Empire's outer regions, a new power has arisen, determined to dominate its weaker neighbors."