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Practical Pagan > My magical failure

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message 1: by Andras (last edited Oct 28, 2014 07:25AM) (new)

Andras | 4 comments When I started my baby steps in my magical studies I was a novice. All my life I was super sensitive and almost could read your mind. I could at least in-tune your mood and feelings. I now have recognized that many times I know something is about to happen, and it happens in a few seconds later.
Later, I broke off with my spiritual teacher and decided to study Hermetic philosophy and naturally followed, magic. I have studied the best, Bardonian (Franz Bardon) system and his disciples Rawn Clark, etc. It was a great eye opener to me and lead me to assume some false assumptions. I could not do any magic but many times I perceived something was about to happen and that lead me to believe my own inflated powers.
During the time I discovered that I could be reincarnated as Austin Osman Spare, the English artist and occultist.
Later I had some "episodes", Then , imagine my horror, I was diagnosed as bipolar! ****(!), that almost finished my whole adventure into spirituality. To think I was reincarnated from a magical genius and artist but handicapped to continue any magical pursuit on my own was too much for me. (I still need a therapist about this)... I was now afraid of being spiritual because, now it equated to me delusional thinking and inflated ego, both tell-tales of bipolar mania. I cannot do magic, obviously I am handicapped by being bipolar but that does not mean I am not spiritual. I am a firm, (if not ardent believer) of Karma/Reincarnation and the existence and importance of the unseen. Borderline Buddhist/Hindu with accepting and honoring all faiths, including Islam. My former teacher used to say, do not get too wrapped up about phenomena and now I see how right he was! It is good if you have abilities but it does not mean you are any better than the next person, and often it is all in your head. (no offense)

There is a link between super sensitivity/spirituality and bipolar and /schizophrenia in the context of hearing voices/seeing things and elevated importance(delusional thinking) or being persecuted. Past life memories or acknowledgment is not specifically mental illness clue unless it accompanies much of the above (feeling persecuted, elevated importance, hearing voices and seeing things such as aura etc).

I am bipolar II and I indeed had some delusional experiences when I "found out" who I was. I will not specifically get into details but I will say my delusional thinking was rather oblique and mild compared to some. This however does not invalidate the realness and factual nature of reincarnation and the existence of some mental illness among its midst.

I think what is "real" and not is often determined by idiots and charlatans. I dislike the word mental illness even as I have to accept that is unfortunately all too real. I am not taking any meds. now (only occasional sleeping pills) and I am often ostracized and criticized for this by my peers who are brainwashed by the medical establishment doing the bidding of big pharma. Having said this I know from going to a support group that some of us need the meds. just to survive and function daily.
So the bottom line, the theme of this post - in order to practice full fledged "high" magic the only handicap is mental. You can be a powerful sorcerer with physical disability but a mental kind if more unforgiving. Of course you can be positive and attract good.

message 2: by Aaron, Moderator (new)

Aaron Carson | 1216 comments Thanks for sharing your inspiring story. Very interesting, and food for thought. Glad to have you with us.

message 3: by Little (last edited Oct 31, 2014 04:59PM) (new)

Little Miss Esoteric (littlemissesoteric) | 1116 comments Agreed on the memories about being a famous person bit. Chances are most of our previous lives were short, hard, peasant existences. Re the bipolar I had a doctor say I was bipolar when I was twelve, I've since found out that was total rubbish, and incorrect diagnosis given to one far too young. I do have friends who are genuinely bipolar though and it's a constant battle. Best to you Andras.

message 4: by Acacia (new)

Acacia | 3 comments Personal opinion (not necessarily fact):

As someone who is both a magical practitioner and who has studied clinical psychology on a graduate level, I feel that in order to practice the Craft, one must be fully grounded first. To me, grounded means being able to empty oneself of any extra energy, disruptive thoughts, or feelings. Major depression, bipolar I and II, anxiety,and various other disorders make this incredibly difficult. In my case, depressive episodes made it entirely impossible to ground until I was treated, rending my magic (and my life in general) pretty impotent.

So what does this mean? It means that finding a treatment which most helps the individual live a good quality of life day to day (on a mundane level) and ground themselves when necessary (on a spiritual level)is necessary for reliable practice of the Craft. Side effects of medication (which, in scientific terms, "totally suck balls")can often feel like a handicap. I think the truth, though, is that the disease/disorder itself is the handicap (like Andras mentioned at the end of his post). Though medication may make Magic difficult in new ways it is better to know that you can trust yourself and adapt to those challenges rather than abandon treatment or Magic all together.

Again, a lot of personal opinion in there. I know that approach worked for me- when I started taking the medicine I'm on now I would fall asleep every time I tried to meditate or do any sort of shamanic work. It took a lot of time but I was able to change my technique a bit to adapt.

(Sorry for the ramble! XD )

message 5: by Little (new)

Little Miss Esoteric (littlemissesoteric) | 1116 comments Good points, not a ramble at all. :)

message 6: by Ariel (new)

Ariel Brown | 24 comments Hi Andras,

Like yourself, I have over the last 40 years investigated everything from basic witchcraft to Hermetic Magic - and everything inbetween.

I am a clairsentient / empath hedgewitch who has worked in nursing and eventually became a Naturopath.

I read your story above, and respond with this:

To be 'mentally ill' you have to accept the label... If you choose not to accept the label "Bipolar" - then you are not mentally ill... Just a sensitive psychic (which is not the same thing as psychotic).

I suggest you turn your back on traditional modern medicine... and take up the mantle of natural holistic health / medicine.

Nowadays I choose the life and work of the hedge witch and as teacher of witchcraft philosophy and practice. I am happy and content...

Brightest Blessings Brother...

message 7: by Andras (last edited Nov 04, 2014 06:48AM) (new)

Andras | 4 comments Thank you for the posts. I do not mind my magic shortfall. Being grounded or balanced is the prerequisite to do Magic (especially Bardon's stuff) and I have never been a balanced person in my entire life. To some extent; moody is human, bipolar is a mood disorder. Also, I like to clarify I likely have a cyclothymic disorder (mild bipolar) and that I have no memories being Austin Spare I just figured out the likelihood of that based on my childhood quirks, my longing for the UK, cats, aversion of appendicitis and death/birth year.
I know that I must watch my caffeine, alcohol and sweet consumption closely, in order to keep my manic days at bay. The only downside of cyclothymic disorder are high energy days with 4-hour sleep nights(when high) and low energy days (when down) All the best to you wizards and we shall keep in touch.

message 8: by Acacia (new)

Acacia | 3 comments Thanks for the update, Andras. :) I thought that the statement "moody is human, bipolar is a mood disorder" is really on point.

Keeping you in my thoughts!

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