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message 1: by Ashley (new)

Ashley | 23 comments So this is what I have. Please let me know what you think. Is it too vague or does it make it seem interesting?? Thank you for your help!

Amanda’s routine never changes. She spends the days helping at her mom’s cupcake business, the nights getting drunk at the only bar in town. With money tight and a feeling of obligation to stay with her mom, Amanda’s dreams of getting out of the town she grew up in are just that, until she meets Todd Reinhardt. Charming and mysterious, he teaches a class at the nearby university: Magic 101.

Amanda soon learns not only is magic real, Todd is using it on her and others in the class. Now knowing the full extent of his power and the danger he presents, Amanda finds herself torn between sending him back where he came from, and running away with him.

THE FUNDAMENTALS OF UNREMEMBERING is the 80,000 word first installment of a NA Fantasy duology that can be described as the inverse of THE MAGICIANS. Instead of a human from earth finding a land of magic, we explore what might happen when a being from a place of pure magic comes to earth.


message 2: by L.C. (new)

L.C. Perry | 45 comments I'm not sure I'm seeing the connections. So is Amanda an ordinary human? And how does she meet Todd in the first place? Does Amanda go to this university? Make sure this is clear in the query.

And how is Todd using his magic exactly? This part I think is too unnecessarily vague. Make sure to think of your story in terms of what is the most interesting parts of the story? After you answer that question, then you have to figure out how to organize it. Also, how does Amanda even plan on sending him back in the first place? What are the stakes? Is he a threat to mankind? Does he plan on killing anyone? How does this affect Amanda personally?

You also want to grab their attention as soon as possible. Agents will not spend too much time on each query (they get thousands of them within months) so try to start off with a pitch or a sentence that really grabs them. In your case, I think it would be interesting to start off with the fact that the MC's professor is using magic on his students.

It would also help an agent get to know you if you include a little bit about yourself & your writing credentials in the query. Bonus points if you can tell them why you're querying them specifically.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions :)


message 3: by Ashley (new)

Ashley | 23 comments Does this work better?

Magic 101. A silly fluff class for a university of rich underachievers. Or so Amanda thinks when the professor—one of her drunken one night stands—tells her about it and offers to let her sit in on a class. One class turns into more and Amanda finds herself pretending to be a student weekly, intrigued by the professor and the escape he offers from her boring, predictable life. Only every class she leaves, she can’t remember a thing that happened during it. No one in the class can seem to pinpoint any specifics, just the vague feeling they learned a lot. In search for answers, Amanda returns to the professor’s apartment and finds a book of spells. The spells all but confirm the truth: the professor is doing magic on them. Amanda witnesses in horror as the professor turns one student into a statue and suffocates the rest of the room. Their memories all wiped, they remember nothing when they leave the class.
Amanda waffles about what actions to take. Dangerous as he is, Amanda sees the professor as her only way out of the town she’s been stuck in all her life. Amanda is torn between fighting against the professor, and running away with him.


message 4: by L.C. (last edited Sep 14, 2019 05:57PM) (new)

L.C. Perry | 45 comments It definitely reads a lot more specific, which is an improvement! But some of the sentences are awkward and some details either need to be cut out or rearranged to flow better. Maybe try something like this:

Magic 101 - A lighthearted university class for rich underachievers. Or so Amanda thinks when the professor—one of her drunken one night stands—tells her about it and offers to let her sit in on a class. One class turns into more and Amanda finds herself pretending to be a student weekly, intrigued by the professor and the escape he offers from her boring, predictable life.

Only every class she leaves, she can’t remember a thing that happened during it. No one in the class can seem to pinpoint any specifics, just the vague feeling they learned a lot. In search for answers, Amanda returns to the professor’s apartment and finds a book of spells. The spells confirm the truth: the professor is doing magic on them.

Amanda witnesses in horror as the professor turns one student into a statue and suffocates the rest of the room. Their memories all wiped, they remember nothing when they leave the class. (This part is confusing. It comes out of nowhere and the last sentence is repetitive. We already know their memories are getting wiped. This part is interesting though so I would try and work with it)

Amanda waffles about what actions to take. Dangerous as he is, Amanda sees the professor as her only way out of the town she’s been stuck in all her life. She will have to decide which is more important - fighting the professor and saving her classmates or joining him and ensuring her freedom.


message 5: by Ashley (new)

Ashley | 23 comments Thank you for your help! Does this one read better?

Magic 101: A silly fluff class at a university full of rich underachievers. Or so local Amanda assumes when the professor—one of her drunken one night stands—tells her about it and offers to let her sit in on a class. Eager to sit in on a class she could never afford, Amanda blows off work at her mom’s family cupcake business to attend.
Amanda soon learns not only is magic real, the professor is using it on her and his students. He can suffocate a room full of people without breaking a sweat, remove memories with ease. Dangerous, powerful, and unpredictable, Amanda should know better than to stay involved. Yet something keeps her drawn to him.
When he’s wanted in his world for breaking magical laws, Amanda finds herself torn between turning him in, and running away with him.


message 6: by Ashley (new)

Ashley | 23 comments Ok I ran this by a friend and this is the newest version. Does this one work?:

Amanda never hooks up with the same guy twice. Yet there’s something different about Todd. He teaches Magic 101, a class at the expensive nearby university for trust fund underachievers. Magic, he claims, is real and when she doesn’t believe him, he insists she sit in on one of his classes.

Intrigued by Todd and unable to resist experiencing a college class she could never afford, Amanda takes time from dutifully working at her mom’s small cupcake business to attend.

One class turns into another and Amanda finds herself pretending to be a student weekly—and spending more and more nights with Todd.

Amanda soon learns not only is magic real, Todd is using it on her and his students. He can suffocate a room full of people without breaking a sweat and remove memories with ease. Dangerous, powerful, and unpredictable, Amanda knows better than to stay involved. But she can’t seem to give him up, using Todd as the escape she craves from her dead-end life.

When he’s wanted in his world for breaking magical laws, Amanda finds herself torn between turning him in, and running away with him.


message 7: by L.C. (new)

L.C. Perry | 45 comments This is definitely better! For this part (One class turns into another and Amanda finds herself pretending to be a student weekly—and spending more and more nights with Todd.)

I'm wondering if you could change that second part to something more attention-grabbing. Maybe something like:

One class turns into another and Amanda finds herself pretending to be a student weekly—even though she has no recollection of the lectures she attends.

I'm also still not a fan of the last sentence (Amanda finds herself torn between turning him in, and running away with him.) I think it doesn't portray how personal the stakes are. So, I still recommend the suggestion I made earlier for that, but it's completely up to you of course :)


message 8: by Ashley (new)

Ashley | 23 comments Ok does this work better? (Sorry it took me a few days to think on it and try to make it better.)

Amanda doesn’t think twice about the tattooed guy she’d hooked up with earlier that week—until she collides with him while (on a delivery.) delivering cupcakes from her mom’s cupcake business. A professor at the nearby university for trust fund underachievers, he reintroduces himself to her sober as Todd Reinhardt: Professor of Magic 101.

A joke class, Amanda assumes, but when he offers to let her sit in on a class, Amanda jumps at the opportunity to get a glimpse at an unattainable college education. Between classes and nights at his place, Todd and his “magic” become the escape Amanda craves from her dead-end life.

When Amanda tries a detection spell out of a book in Todd’s apartment, she learns not only is magic real, Todd is using it on her. Armed with a rudimentary protection spell—another from Todd’s book collection—Amanda realizes Todd has been taking her memories. She struggles to keep up the charade of not remembering while around Todd, meanwhile learning just how powerful and dangerous he is.

With her memories intact, Amanda finally learns where Todd comes from and hatches a plan to send him back. She gets the other students in Magic 101 onboard and several volunteer to cross a threshold into another world while Amanda stays behind and serves as a distraction for Todd. The students are supposed to be back in a matter of hours, but it soon becomes apparent they got lost somewhere in the threshold. In order to get them back to earth, Amanda knows they need Todd’s help. He’s their only source of information and knows far more magic than they do. However, Amanda cannot ask him anything without revealing just how much she remembers—and how she betrayed him. Amanda must convince Todd to bring the students back, or they’ll be lost in the threshold forever.


message 9: by L.C. (last edited Oct 07, 2019 07:27PM) (new)

L.C. Perry | 45 comments I think this version has waaay too much information. Agents might lose interest as they read along because of the length and the number of different details you're trying to tackle (I had a hard time following it). I still think the one before it is the best out of the versions.


message 10: by Ashley (new)

Ashley | 23 comments Thank you for replying!
I see what you mean about the too much detail. I tried another rewrite. I’m trying to do a better job showing the stakes are high you feel me? Does this one do better?:

Amanda doesn’t think twice about the tattooed guy she’d hooked up with earlier that week—until she collides with him while on a delivery. A professor at the nearby university for trust fund underachievers, he reintroduces himself to her sober as Todd Reinhardt: Professor of Magic 101.

When Amanda laughs at Todd’s area of expertise, Todd offers to let Amanda sit in on a class. Unable to resist experiencing a glimpse of a college education she could never afford, Amanda goes to Magic 101. Amanda soon learns magic is real and when Todd is wanted in his world for breaking magical laws, Amanda joins him on the run, seeing in Todd an opportunity to escape her dead-end life. But when Todd’s paranoia sets in and Amanda wants to go home, Todd won’t let her.

Amanda doesn’t know how to get back to earth, and Todd won’t tell her. Far more powerful and magically knowledgeable than her, Amanda cannot survive the harsh changing climates of their hiding places without him. She’d die without Todd’s magic—-unless someone finds them. Amanda must pretend to be on Todd’s side while working to secure his capture. The rest of her life depends on it.


message 11: by L.C. (new)

L.C. Perry | 45 comments You can definitely work with this one. I have suggestions for the third paragraph though.

Amanda doesn’t know how to get back to earth, and Todd won’t tell her. This sentence is repetitive, so I would just delete it.

Also, "hiding places" sounds vague. Where are they exactly? Her world or his? Why would she die without Todd's magic? Maybe delete the third paragraph except for the last sentence which you can add to the second paragraph? Like this:

When Amanda laughs at Todd’s area of expertise, Todd offers to let Amanda sit in on a class. Unable to resist experiencing a glimpse of a college education she could never afford, Amanda goes to Magic 101. Amanda soon learns magic is real and when Todd is wanted in his world for breaking magical laws, Amanda joins him on the run, seeing in Todd an opportunity to escape her dead-end life. But when Todd’s paranoia sets in and Amanda wants to go home, Todd won’t let her. Amanda must pretend to be on Todd’s side while working to secure his capture. The rest of her life depends on it.


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