Wanted: A fantasy WIP snippet review (903 words)

[K.]

Moved from: Just Lurking to here
It is a little graphic, and if I need to, I will gladly take it down. Do not want to upset anyone.

Dumb question, but does this passage make sense? It is at the end of of a long series of fights for Jarlean (gladiator slave to Nameless) with Nameless (main character) in the stands, Sussloriss (a powerful woman who's Clan owns the particular arena in which this series of fights are being held in) in her personal quarters, and Jarlean winning his last match before leaving the Sands for his holding cell. The last character mentioned is another of Nameless' slaves - Akantheldama who has been serving as Jarlean's trainer.

The POV flits from one to another, and though they are in different locations, they are all interconnected, which is part of why I'm trying to make sure this is readable. I don't want to have to put in a scene break marker, because that would really disrupt the flow of the narrative.

Squirming around, until he was facing his opponent, too close to effectively use most of the techniques he had been taught, and with blackness threatening from his inability to breath freely, Jarlean decided on a desperate course of action. Lashing his head forward, he forced the other to jerk his head back to prevent having his nose broken. This, in turn, exposed the swordsman’s throat, which Jarlean bit into with his remaining strength. Ripping through the skin and gristle, the coppery smell of hot blood greeted his efforts just before the coppery taste of fresh blood awoke the frenzied beast of hunger. Swallowing the mouthful of flesh he had managed to rip off of his now defeated opponent, Jarlean struggled to shove the gushing corps off him. Once he was free, he forced his protesting body to stand, favoring the hip that had been sliced open to the joint, and glared at the Child hanging in its web.
When the drovers emerged tentatively from the lock to drive the Silk back to his cell, Nameless leaned back with a sense of relief. Jarlean was limping heavily, but he was walking on his own. The injury would slow him down, but Nameless was almost certain the meal he had sent Vergol to take to him would help bring him back to fighting form before his next match. Of the forty candidates put forward for this cycle’s Trials, with the current victory of his Silk, Nameless knew the field had been winnowed down to the last match. Jarlean would have the rest of this night cycle and the following morning to rest and recover. If this annual cycle followed standard protocol, then Jarlean would be receiving more than just his meal, he would also be receiving Healing as well. Of course, so would his opponent. Nameless had not been paying as much attention to the other matches as he should have, and felt a moment of unease when he tried to remember which of the other fighters that had passed through the Sands in the last eight days had proven to be as tough as Jarlean. When he could recall no one else, he closed his eyes and sent a prayer to Her for his Silk’s survival through the finals. He did not wish to become a perpetual slave again, much less a slave for someone with as few morals as Sussloriss had. His curse did not cross his mind at this point, though it was weighing heavily in the minds of both Jarlean and Sussloriss herself.
In her quarters, she had been attending the Trials and Finals through her own devious means, hiding her abilities from even her acolytes because women were not suppose to have the ability to wield secular magics. If any showed signs, the were supposed to be killed in order to preserve the balance between the female religious leadership and the male secular leadership. Nameless’ concern about equality had more value than even he knew. She knew every champion who had born Her brand had been male, just as she knew there were more males in the population who could hear Her voice directly, but hid their ability like she hid her own secular powers; for much the same reason. However, she had hunted down every male with this ability in her own City and ensured they knew who they truly served. It was not their Clan, but her directly. If she lost this wager with the branded champion, then those males would turn on her without question, forcing her to either reveal her own secret, or be killed in order to preserve it.
As the night drew to a close, Sussloriss continued to ponder and plan for every outcome her twisted mind could think of. She did not sleep, nor did she think that Nameless slept. He did not return to the Temple, for which she was extremely grateful. She was not certain she could have faced him down with the weight of his curse beginning to shine brightly around him to her eyes.
Nameless spent the night in the holding cells, waiting on his Silk to show signs of awakening from the Healing he had endured. Though he had relatively few serious injuries, he had suffered quite a few minor injuries. Enough that the Healer had been forced to work in shifts waiting between bouts so that his body was still enough to become receptive to the energies being directed through it once more. Nameless had determined after the last round that even if Jarlean should awaken immediately, he would not be fully recovered to his peak ability before the Finals resumed, and so had prepared a special mug for him. He could have left Akantheldama to offer it, but he wanted his Silk to know how much he approved of his performance so far. Having the life giving fluid given to him by his master’s hand would do that without words having to be spoken. Besides, Akantheldama had appeared to be more than a little worn and overly satiated herself when Nameless arrived. What ever she had been doing to keep him on his feet for the Trials and first matches of the Finals had proven to test her limits as well as the fighter’s limits. Nameless wanted to ask her questions, but decided to refrain until the two of them were more secluded to ask his questions.

[Aurora]

You should make the POV very clear at the start of each paragraph maybe using the person's name, otherwise it is confusing.
I would use shorter sentences for the fight scene.

[K.]

I will definitely do that. Thanks. I knew something about this scene didn't work, but I couldn't quite get far enough away from it to figure out what.

[Richard]

It reads pretty well to me, but that might be because you warned us what to look out for - it would have been better if you'd just asked 'Anything wrong with this?'

All the same, I like the idea of this continuous flow from mind to mind. Maybe you should keep experimenting with it and, even if you don't use it here, save it for a later book? Could you write an entire book like this!?

[K.]

Richard, at the rate I'm going, heading into book 3, I think that's exactly what's about to happen to me. So far, I've got 3 completely distinct stories I'm trying to figure out how to blend together, the MAIN story, and two more that haven't presented themselves.

But, each of the cast is going to be involved through their own viewpoint in getting the main character to (my hoped for) ultimate goal.

Going to be an interesting ride as this one develops.

[Micah]

When you make a sudden leap from one POV to another, you might want to consider separating it with a blank line.

My general rules are these:

Change of POV within the same scene: separate with a blank line between paragraphs.

A small change in location or a small, logical fastforward in time: separate with a blank line.

--For example, Character A says he's going to go talk to Character B, who is somewhere else in the same building...next scene, A walks into character B's room (as seen from either A's or B's POV), I'd just separate with a blank line.--

Any major change of location or POV, say a significant jump forward or backward in time: put "* * *" on the next line, then start the new section in the next paragraph.

This helps keep things visually distinct.

[Free editing advice]
I realize this is a WIP, and therefore a rough draft, but...(my emphasis added):

"...the coppery smell of hot blood greeted his efforts just before the coppery taste of fresh blood awoke the frenzied beast of hunger."

Repeating "coppery" and "blood" in the same sentence is a bit redundant. And the double adjectives attached to "blood" is kind of much.

[K.]

::Blushes::
Michah, that's what I'm looking for in the current read through. I did not realize until recently I tended to hit the redundancy button quite so hard. When I send the monster out to my betas, I will send a note along with for them to flag any like this they catch.

Thanks for the advice about how to clean up the POV jumping. Since this seems to be what I'm on track for, I definitely needed to get the information. (Now, to remember to use it!)