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Week 232 (October 5th-12). Poems. Topic: Technophobe
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Ryan
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Oct 04, 2014 09:48PM
Thanks, Cap'n. Stunning start to the week ;)
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Great poem, Alex. I keep wanting to read the last line as trumpets without grace.
Very nice, Alex! For some reason your line, "a burn to create quality" jumps out at me. Maybe as writers, that's what we all strive for?? Good job!
*Every Book*Facebook is unknown to me
Hiding in obscurity,
Once was thought the mastermind
Now is lost,
Too far behind.
To ever catch up.
Never once did I try
To manipulate with constant
LIES.
But now all that WE know
Is the emptiness, the holes
In the things that should hold worth
But won't,
No, not anymore.
Tweeter,
Or..myplace,
Or.. something like that?
Wait, what's that website the kids told me they had?
Alas
Everyday
Technology advances,
But I'd rather stick to ballroom dances.
Picnics, dates, and walks for a change
Not fake pictures and fake
Profile names.
I'll stay here and read in my cottage
I wish to not be one with
Technology
I like the idea of having a life
I'm not looking for a man
Who already has a wife.
Yet lies
And said he didn't.
Lies
Like I said
Are all the internet is used for
It just makes manipulation
So much easier.
Thanks but no thanks. My life has more worth
Than looking at a screen,
Searching for something
More
And coming up blank
Like the first
Page
And the last
Page
Of every book.
Billie Jo - Loved it! Sometimes funny, sometimes cute but ALL oh, so true! Good job!
Here is my poetry submission for the topic: Technophobe. Feedback is ALWAYS welcome!
Days of Innocence by Melissa Andres
I remember playing
With cans and a string
A game called Telephone
Pretending it would ring.
We'd talk like "grown ups"
Then laugh and giggle
As our ears were tickled
And the line would jiggle.
All the neighborhood kids
Would gather 'round
To take their turn;
Be maturity bound.
Now we don't talk
'Cept with our thumbs
Tapping and clicking
Until they are numb.
We rarely ever use
The sound of our voices
Technology bestows
Upon us those choices.
Gimme simpler times
When we'd interact
Days of innocence
Where lives were unhacked.
Days of Innocence by Melissa Andres
I remember playing
With cans and a string
A game called Telephone
Pretending it would ring.
We'd talk like "grown ups"
Then laugh and giggle
As our ears were tickled
And the line would jiggle.
All the neighborhood kids
Would gather 'round
To take their turn;
Be maturity bound.
Now we don't talk
'Cept with our thumbs
Tapping and clicking
Until they are numb.
We rarely ever use
The sound of our voices
Technology bestows
Upon us those choices.
Gimme simpler times
When we'd interact
Days of innocence
Where lives were unhacked.
First post, hope it qualifies for technophobe contest. Brutal criticism welcome, not sure on the rhyme pattern of the second part, myself.As a side, really enjoyed Melissa's submission. It read like a classic folk song in my head.
Neither wrong by Tyler
You type in search of distraction
I strum in search of a song
You hold a screen full of action
While I read a book that’s too long
But neither of us voices dissatisfaction
Because we both know that neither is wrong
And though romance has passed to inaction
Somehow we both get along
Until I’m looking up while you’re looking down
Have our eyes even met; do you notice mine brown
And then you’re reaching out while I’m turning in
I’ve felt more guitar strings than I have of your skin
You’re too focused on posting the perfect distraction
While I’m too obsessed with writing a meaningful song
But neither voices dissatisfaction
Because we both know we’re each somehow wrong
To me you’re ignoring
To you, I’m too boring
It’s the perfect subject for your post or my song
Hi, Tyler. Welcome to the WSS and congratulations on your first entry. 'Neither Wrong' is a great poem to start with. Your rhyme scheme in the first half is fairly complex but flows beautifully. I agree with you that the second half needs a little bit of tweaking to tighten it up. It's a funny thing - on its own, the second half would probably stand up quite well but because you've done such a good job of the first half, the second is more noticeable.Your link to the topic is subtle and very nicely done. I can easily picture a married couple sinking deeper and deeper into their individual distractions (Facebook, blogging, reading, guitar), all the while slipping further apart.
I like the sense of irony you've conveyed with your last line, it really sharpens the focus and gives a good sense of completion while leaving the reader to ponder. Well done and welcome aboard :)
Melissa! You've given me yet another wonderful walk down memory lane. I think we shared a very similar childhood. Because your sense of rhythm is so strong, your poems are very easy to read and really convey such deep thoughts with great simplicity. I find them so engaging for this reason. There is always a feeling that you are welcoming in the reader rather than keeping them at bay with obscurity. It is a great talent.I couldn't agree more with the sentiment of your poem. I think it is also worth noting your excellent use of restraint. Given your thought, there are a heap of different examples you could've used to make your point. By using just one - the juxtaposition of a can phone conversation versus typing text messages, you've kept the focus very strong and the imagery simple and much more powerful.
I also loved your last line - unhacked is the perfect word to end on :)
Music in My EarsMusic fills my ears
Through noise cancelling ear phones
While I meditate
To ease the isolation
That technology has built.
Nice one, Billie Jo. For me, your poem really sums up the way that technology, the Internet, etc has crept into our lives step-by-step until it is a part of almost everything we do. While I can see the evil side that your poem deals with, I think a lot of good comes from it too, as with everything - two sides to every coin and all that jazz ;)I like the image you put in my head - I imagined a bitter old lady huddled in her cottage shunning everything the outside world has to offer. Your fourth stanza is by far my favorite - the reference to ballroom dances was unexpected and gave a very sharp contrast. Your poem is deep and complex and nicely written, as always.
Beautiful Tanka, Guy. Irony at its finest! It is a complete scene and moves full circle. Definitely worth reading a number of times to let it fully sink in.
Talos IV“I’m getting,” nonplussed,
Uhura rose: “something faint,
about fishnet hose.”
“The captain reports
he needs some lube,” barked Scotty.
“I’ll beam down a tube.”
“What could cause such a
planet to rock,” asked the helms-
man, “with explosions?”
“And where did all those
ants come from?” asked Spock. “Oh, my!
Those are Talosians!”
Sounds of intimate
relations shot through subspace
communications.
“Who on Talos,” gasped
Number One, “has our TV-
code captain undone?”
Captain Pike’s voice came
over the set. “Don’t send a
rescue team just yet.”
---
“You’d think,” said Vina,
“he’d never seen a girl wear
fishnet hose before,
and it drove him wild
that I was green. Talosians
lined up at the door.”
---
They said: “What a scene.
What a blast! One of Desi-
lu’s all-time whizzers.”
Sadly, their ad-lib-
ing never got past Gene Rod-
denberry’s scissors.
---
Susan peered in the
cutting room door, where yards
of film were sprawling.
“It isn’t as though
I’ve not been there before,” she
clutched the jamb, bawling.
---
Captain Pike, who had
been snoozin’ in frames the cut-
ter left lying there,
leapt up and cried, “Don’t
dump me, Susan! Put me back
in your underwear!”
“I’m sorry, baby,
to be so snappy--” she flicked
him against the wall--
“but no man can make
me happy who’s just sixteen
millimeters tall.”
Tyler - I echo Ryan's sentiment. Welcome to our group. (I guess I've been here long enough to claim it being "mine"!) There is really a nice group of people here and they have helped me so much with encouraging words!
I also thought your first post was great! Maybe a bit of tweaking here and there but overall .. wonderful job! Thank you so much for the compliment on mine. It means a lot! :)
I also thought your first post was great! Maybe a bit of tweaking here and there but overall .. wonderful job! Thank you so much for the compliment on mine. It means a lot! :)
Ryan, Thank you so much for the wonderful compliments! You are an excellent writer and your critiques always mean so much to me! I am so glad you enjoyed it!
Guy, Very nice! As Ryan said, the irony is wonderful! It's perfect how so many people try to get away from the hustle and bustle of the day and from technology by actually USING technology! Good job!
M - Very nice, very different! A good spin on the topic! I cannot say that I am a big Star Trek fan (although I did get into Star Trek: The Next Generation for a while) but anyone that has watched the original at least once should appreciate this! :)
Thanks Ryan! It seems the only time i write now is in school when i finish my other work xD. But hey, if it works, it works!
The real artists can still do it by hand. Alex’s “Byrne” seems to raise the question of where the quality has gone in an age where art has been trumped by the gracelessness of “quantity and conformity.”The speaker in Billie Jo’s “Every Book” wants real life, not the empty substitute of Facebook, with its lies. There are some great passages in this poem, and the image of blank pages at the end is very effective.
I remember making “phones” with waxed-paper cups! They work surprisingly well as long as the line is tight. As Melissa’s poem observes, now texting has replaced our voices. The days of innocence (by implication, not just for us, but for society) are over.
The rhythm and rhyme in Tyler’s “Nothing wrong” seems to bring alive the sound of the speaker’s guitar as he works on a song. The relationship he’s in appears to be anything but discordant, yet it looks as if something critical to it has suffered a diminuendo.
With an irony often found in Guy’s poems, the speaker in “Music in My Ears” resorts to technology to escape the sense of isolation technology imposes.
It was Guy’s poem that made me think of haiku, and I suppose I should explain the mess I posted as a poem. In the original Star Trek pilot “The Cage,” Susan Oliver stars as Vina, a captive of the Talosians. NBC rejected the pilot, and Roddenberry made another one. In the original, the Enterprise captain is Christopher Pike (played by Jeffrey Hunter). In one scene, Vina becomes for him a green Orion slave girl Pike remembers having seen dance for him at a trading post.
Al, I like the phrase, “arms and legs resist technology”. It made me smile to think of lots of couch potatoes. =) And “reckless media trumps without grace”. So sad and true. Nice job, Billie Jo! You captured almost exactly how I, on occasion, feel about social media! You showed how a good thing can be used the wrong way.
Melissa, I love the childhood memories you brought back to me! I sometimes wish for simply times, like you said. And your poem flowed so nicely and fluently. And I couldn’t agree more with all of Ryan’s comments. Well done!
Tyler, nice job! You’re very right: sometimes people can lack in personal relationships because of technology. And you wrote it in a clever, clear way. And welcome to the group!
Guy, I love the short, thought-provoking phrases. We didn't need any more than that. Nice job!
M, I love your Sci-Fi twist on the topic. Very original! It was nice to read something completely different. Really!
Excellent, M. I know the effort that a single 5-7-5 takes so I can only imagine how much work went into this series. I was actually working through your initial, longer poem before commenting but I see that it, like the pilot, has made a visit to the cutting room floor. I think this trimmed version is very good and a lot more focussed but it also comes at the expense of some of my favorite stanzas (the micrometer stanza for one). I like the focused story-telling of this version and understand why you've cut it down but I think the original version was incredibly good and worth the effort of delving into for the sheer quality of the writing (perhaps you could post it in its entirety in the haiku thread?)Your sense of humour throughout adds a perfect touch. One of the things I like most (and it is present in both versions) is the feeling of watching the sci-fi series I enjoyed so much as a kid. You brought to mind some great memories of Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek (obviously) and Flash Gordon. The grainy film, the b-grade special effects, the love story jammed into an alien environment between laser blasts and robots - everything that is great about those shows.
Emeralds: critique appreciated
I once sought emeralds with the other girls,
Pirates words that gleamed in daylight.
I once lusted for rubies,
Lunged for gold coins,
Prayed for a treasure chest.
Now the only treasure to me is my phone
The tablet, the laptop, the screen TV,
Though I do feel bad occasionally,
For my beefy thumbs,
And carpal tunnel,
I have grown,
And I am not a technophobe.
I once sought emeralds with the other girls,
Pirates words that gleamed in daylight.
I once lusted for rubies,
Lunged for gold coins,
Prayed for a treasure chest.
Now the only treasure to me is my phone
The tablet, the laptop, the screen TV,
Though I do feel bad occasionally,
For my beefy thumbs,
And carpal tunnel,
I have grown,
And I am not a technophobe.
Well done, Sophie! Even with all our "ailments" ... technology just seems to keep us mesmerized, doesn't it? :)
Sophie, the writing in that is beautiful. It’s very clear, like the writing in your stories.Ryan, thank you! What a wonderful commentary. These were fantastically fun to write and were part of an ongoing “conversation” in the haiku thread in the spring of 2012.
Sophie, I like it! Very lovely writing and well put. "Lunged for gold coins"--love that line!
Said the Bearded Man in a BoxSuch fancy things that
People now have:
Satellite, internet—
What is that?
To connect with the world, they say.
So what?
I have a cat, a turtle
And even a bug.
A phone for a calendar?
And a grocery list?
I have a memory for those things
(And I can catch my own fish).
Sure, I do forget things.
After all, I am human!
But to rely on a phone?
Why not hire some crewmen?
I don’t need running water,
I have my own compost!
I can cook without a stove,
(Don’t mind if I boast).
Technology is useless,
I won’t benefit much.
I’ll just live in the leaves.
That’ll keep me in touch.
Disclaimer: This poem is meant to be all in good fun. I was laughing at myself while I wrote it at some of the old-school things I do. Moreover, I have some amazing friends who are naturally resourceful and still keep in touch with the world. =)
Nice, Brenda! Sometimes I think it would be nice to live in a box as your title suggests and get away from everyone and everything! :)
I like the rhyming of “human” and “crewman”! This was fun to read.
Al wrote: "Byrneby Alex
Flexible artists
bend their brushes
and records backwards
arms and legs
resist technology
TV pictures running
it makes it too easy
someone had it once
a burn to create quality
qu..."
Alex,
Super job. I especially enjoyed the last part.
||technophobe||insert love poem||technophobe||//;)OK, good strong.
Slowly melts.
Turns slightly bitter.
Bitter finish,
on sides,
of tongue.
Let neither howling winds nor the flash of lightning keep ye from casting your vote. The Week 232 polls are up, pirates!Weekly Short Story Contest:
https://www.goodreads.com/poll/show/1...
Weekly Poetry Stuffage:
https://www.goodreads.com/poll/show/1...
First time I've called in on the poetry competition.Zero practice at it myself.
Tyler, great job loved the rhyming and keeping to the theme.
Melissa, story and poem in the same week ;) This one flowed so well for me and was a lovely reminder of those old games. I think I need to wrench the tablet computer out of the hands of my 7 and 9 year old and get them in the back garden with tin can's and string :)
Enjoyed all the others too but I've run out of lunch break to comment more.
Hello Adrian. Welcome to WSS poetry. Fun group and good luck with wrenching the tablet away. Sounds like the making of a story or poem in it! Lol!
