Book blurbs--looking for feedback

[Rebecca]

Hi all! I've reached that dreaded stage in book production, the writing of back-cover blurbs and book descriptions. I have three versions I'm playing with now, and I'm not so much wanting to hear which is best (because I'll probably use all three in different places), but what could be done to improve each.

1. Halitor has failed at every possible career for a peasant lad in the lands under the Ice Castle. So it’s a good thing when his parents manage to foist him on Bovrell the Bold as an apprentice Hero. But he's no good at that, either, and when his master abandons him at an inn in Loria, Halitor is ready to settle down to being a kitchen boy, as long as they feed him. But Melly, the young kitchen wench, has other ideas, and soon the two are off on a wild journey to find her father. What Halitor learns along the way is a lot more than just how to be a Hero.

2. A would-be Hero in training, looking for a princess to rescue. A Fair Maiden who breaks all the rules, working as a kitchen wench. In this fun fantasy adventure they form a team that seems doomed to failure. But things don’t always go as expected in the lands below the Ice Castle.

Halitor would be willing to settle down to work as a kitchen boy, as long as they feed him. But Melly wants to find her father, and she’s pretty good at getting her way. Halitor is in over his head, but what he learns along the way is a lot more than just how to be a Hero, and he’ll never forget it.


3. Halitor wants to be a Hero and ride through the world rescuing Princesses and Fair Maidens in distress, but his apprenticeship isn’t working out very well. So when his master abandons him at an inn in Loria, he resigns himself to life as a kitchen boy. But he’s reckoned without Melly, the young kitchen wench. She wants his help finding her father, and she won’t quit until she has it. Soon Halitor is in over his head, but what he learns along the way is a lot more than just how to be a Hero, and he’ll never forget it.

[V.K.]

Oh, no, the dreaded back-cover blurb! These are harder to write than a whole book! :-)

Here's my two cents:
#1: Con - I felt my shoulders fall while reading the opening sentence and my attention wandered. I think it's because there are too many adjectives--trying to fit too much description in. The "as long as they feed him" feels unnecessary. Maybe make the wild journey more interesting by making it sound like it's something that snatches them into it instead of "soon they're off on a wild journey."
Pro - I DO like the bit about the master abandoning him at an inn. That caught my attention and put in mind the idea of adventure.

#2: This one feels too...narratey? (I think I just made up a new word!) Very formatted and curt, if that makes sense. And it didn't make me feel like I understood what the story is going to be about.

#3: Pro - I realize I'm not supposed to pick a best one, but....I think this one is best of the three. :-) Definitely keep the master abandoning him. I love that.
Con - Maybe spruce up "isn't working out very well" by using an interesting detail or two? (ex, "But he's run into a few LITTLE problems in his Hero Apprenticeship--like tripping over his practice maiden and accidentally cutting his master's wig in half." Or something.) And maybe do something instead of "he'll never forget it". That sounds cliche. Make it fit the genre--if it's adventure, add the sense of danger (ex, "if he can survive the journey") or of magic. Just give an idea of what we're to eagerly look to happen.

I hope this helps! #3 definitely got me interested. I'd pick it up. :-)

[Rebecca]

Thanks, VK! That is helpful. I may well end up using elements of all three in different configurations, but it's good to know what grabs and what doesn't.

The book will be out Nov. 30 ;)

[V.K.]

Rebecca wrote: "The book will be out Nov. 30 ;)"

I'll check it out! :-)

[Justine]

I agree with VK, #3 has elements that #1 & #2 lack that pull a reader in. I feel that #1 & #2 are more factual/reporting like, whereas #3 pulls in your reader as it tells you straightaway what the MC wants and what his problems are.

[Rebecca]

Interesting insights! I can hang onto elements of each for use in different settings, I suspect. But for the back cover and/or Amazon blurb, you're helping me find the one that will make someone pick up the book and look closer.

[Andy]

I like all three blurbs, especially this part "Halitor wants to be a Hero and ride through the world rescuing Princesses and Fair Maidens in distress, but his apprenticeship isn’t working out very well."

Made me smile :)

General feedback, I like short blurbs, that's obviously personal preference. So a shorter blurb would have drawn me in even more and enticed me to just open the book and sneak a peek at the first chapter.

[Rebecca]

Thanks, Andy. I think there are definitely places for a short blurb. Right now I'm looking for a tag-line that can go on a tee-shirt (along with the cover. I have great friends who help with my launches!).