Do men benefit in relationships from reading RN?

[Bill]

Would a man learn anything about what a woman really wants by reading romance novels, or are they often so outlandish in their characterization that its comical, and yet romantic? Are there any romance novels that you gals read that you would recommend a guy read to give him an idea on a realistic image of a man that he should be striving to be like? I want nothing more than to be in a relationship with a woman, and I think it is me "being myself" to want to improve and be better with women, but I just don't know if I have the disposition quite yet. I bet a romance novel might have some insight.

[Michele]

Hmmm...urmmm

I don't think most romance novels portray a relationship that a woman would want in real life, especially since most only deal with the beginnings and end just before all the actual living with each other every day starts.

Plus every woman has her own criteria.

I once had a guy I was trying to break up with grab me and kiss me, like in a novel. It just made me mad. But I love to read that stuff.

The best guys I've dated have been comfortable with themselves, interested in many things, good listeners, a similar sense of humor, and happy to spent time with me but fine with letting me do stuff on my own.

I haven't found many men like that in romance novels, but I admit I tend to read medieval manly men type stories lol. I read them for the fantasy.

I might fantasize about Wolverine, but in reality I'd prefer someone like Alan Alda in M.A.S.H. Uh oh, I just made myself feel old. Make that Nathan Fillion in Castle ;)

BUT, I think guys should read at least a few romance novels, so you can get an insight into how a woman might think or look at things differently. Nora Roberts writes some good stuff I think, some even have a touch of fantasy.

After all, we women get to see all your fantasies about blowing shit up and kicking ass like in Die Hard and Bond movies and Indiana Jones and Pacific Rim and superhero stuff :)

[Alicia]

I think a man needs to concentrate on getting to know a woman, and treating her the way that specific woman would like to be treated, rather than trying to make generalisations. Particularly generalisations based on romance novels.

[[deleted user]]

The thing to note about Romance Novels is that they are not simply written erotica. Visual erotica is very you-focused and most people will look it up based on their kinks. There's a reason Pirates didn't do so well. When people look to visual porn, they want it to go straight and to the point.

Romance novels are stories. They are stories about people that are not us. They are stories about awful relationships and broken relationships and sometimes wonderful ones. Most readers don't really like reading romance novels about nice, functional relationships because they find it kinda boring. Some need tension and conflict and watch how it improves and how the characters deal with it. Readers like reading about rogues because they're unpredictable and that keeps the mystery going. In real life, you don't necessarily want to be with someone who's not predictable.

So the thing to keep in mind is that these are not necessarily 100% fantasies. They are also stories. You may enjoy reading thrillers but you don't necessarily have a dream life of running for your life.

Let's use one of the most popular romance novels as an example, Twilight. Bella and Edward didn't officially get together until the 3rd book. If it was truly just a fantasy, they would've gotten together in book 1 and the rest would be a wonderful description of all the nice healthy relation-shipping they're having. But it's not. It's a story.

Just think of romance novels as books about different kinds of romances. Just like thrillers are books about different kinds of thrills. And there are different strokes for different folks.

[Bill]

Anja wrote: "The thing to note about Romance Novels is that they are not simply written erotica. Visual erotica is very you-focused and most people will look it up based on their kinks. There's a reason Pirates..."

well put, thank you.

[V]

My husband will not have the sex talk with my 18 year old son. However, my son does not want to hear how he should please a woman from his mother. Therefore, I had him read a romance novel for the sex scenes.

What he wanted to know went beyond the "protect yourself and your partner" speech. It was the best way for me to give him the information without grossing him out.

[[deleted user]]

V wrote: "My husband will not have the sex talk with my 18 year old son. However, my son does not want to hear how he should please a woman from his mother. Therefore, I had him read a romance novel for th..."

Hey V! There's a comic called Smut Peddler that may help him out. Also, there's youtube shows Sexplanations and Sex+ which offer a lot of tidbits and useful information. Cheers!

[V]

Anja wrote: "V wrote: "My husband will not have the sex talk with my 18 year old son. However, my son does not want to hear how he should please a woman from his mother. Therefore, I had him read a romance no..."

Thank you so much Anja!

[Kayla]

To the OP,
I would say that it really just depends on the author of the RN.
Jude Deveraux has very headstrong male characters with flaws, and are very true to human characteristics. This makes it easier to see yourself relating to those characters and their actions.
The sweet gestures, the teasing, the verbal acknowledgement of their feelings, and (of course) the lovemaking can be realistic and sort of a launching point to understanding what women like to see.

[James]

Bill wrote: "Would a man learn anything about what a woman really wants by reading romance novels, or are they often so outlandish in their characterization that its comical, and yet romantic? Are there any romance novels that you gals read that you would recommend a guy read to give him an idea on a realistic image of a man that he should be striving to be like?

I'm a man who reads romance novels (and speculative fiction with romantic elements). I don't think you're going to find a single book that will teach you universally what women want. Especially since a lot of things that are done by male protagonists in romances would be creepy, stalky, douchey, and rapey in the real world.

I do think that fantasy books are helpful if you're able to openly communicate with your significant other. Read the books together, and talk about your favorite things. ("Oh, you thought it was hot when he... well, is that something you want to try next time?). With the wide variety of romance novels out there, I'm sure you and your significant other will be able to find a bunch of new things to experiment.

Communication's the critical part of finding out what your partner is into. Ask your partner what they like and don't like. Adults should be experienced enough with their own bodies to know and tell you what they want. Romance books can be good starters for those conversations, but the books alone aren't going to make you a universal Casanova.

If you don't have a partner yet, I don't see romance books as being particularly helpful. Maybe if you can get your future beloved into a book club with you, you can use the discussion of a romance novel to get a better sense of who she is and what she likes.

One final warning - don't be creepy. Reading romance novels on your own so you can emulate the characters is kind of creepy, and it's going to give you a very warped view of what women want.

Recommendations: These are some of the romance novels (or novels with strong romantic elements) that I've really enjoyed over the last few years:

1. Cassie Alexander, "Night Shifted" (and the rest of the Edie Spence books.

2. Ilona Andrews, "Magic Bites" (and the rest of the Kate Daniels series.

3. Stephie Bond, anything she's written. Loved "Our Husband," "In Deep VooDoo," and "Body Movers."

4. Lois McMaster Bujold's "Beguilement" (and the rest of the Sharing Knife series). Very highly recommended.

5. Jacqueline Carey's "Kushiel's Dart" (and the rest of the Phedre's Trilogy) - very good if you're looking for fantasy with romantic bdsm elements.

6. Gail Carriger's "Soulless." She does comedic paranormal Victorian romance that is pitch-perfect. Very highly recommended.

7. Richard Castle's Nikki Heat books. Contemporary thrillers with romantic elements.

8. Jocelynn Drake's Nightwalker series.

9. Christa Faust's neo-noir works ("Money Shot", "Chokehold", "Butch Fatale, Dyke Dick - Double D Double Cross") have oodles of sexual and romantic content.

10. Deborah Geary's "A Modern Witch" series has a family-friendly version of paranormal romance. Fewer one night stands, more sexy stable relationships with people who love each other.

11. The Princess Bride by William Goldman, just because of the classic line "as you wish."

12. Last but definitely not least, Eloisa James's fairy tale series (starting with "A Kiss at Midnight.") Features strong and sassy female protagonist, her fairy godmother, a variety of yappy dogs, and a ridiculously sexy man-lord who deep down has a heart of gold. <3 <3 <3 anything by Eloisa James.

[Alicia]

James wrote: "One final warning - don't be creepy. Reading romance novels on your own so you can emulate the characters is kind of creepy, and it's going to give you a very warped view of what women want. ..."

Wise words! And I love that you recommended Nikki Heat.

[PointyEars42]

James wrote: "Bill wrote: "Would a man learn anything about what a woman really wants by reading romance novels, or are they often so outlandish in their characterization that its comical, and yet romantic? Are ..."

And authors like Courtney Milan, who write characters that talk to each other. Like grown-ups should! Seriously, life has enough drama without you needing to create more of it by not using your words.

[Fred]

I am a 67yr. old male most of the shifter story's I have read the women are to much in there heads with drought! That they can not find there way back the writhers could back off a little,and add more story but I still like most of all I have read.check out a book by avery gale call mated(the wolf pack book #1,i for one was impressed and will read more by her.

[Fred]

V wrote: "My husband will not have the sex talk with my 18 year old son. However, my son does not want to hear how he should please a woman from his mother. Therefore, I had him read a romance novel for th..."

I wish that some how some one would write a book on how to please each other as most blogs I have read the women have come plained about thire men not pleasing them one women replied by saying if was up to them as men did not know how as they did not get a manual on women he was dating or marrieing ,sorry I was ranting. It should be mandatory befor getting married!for both to attend a class about this book!!

[Daphne]

I've had my man read a couple of Gabaldon's books. He had to be pushed into it (like most men & RNs) but eventually admitted that he liked the stories.

His most insightful comment was that "the story seems centered on the emotions." I was like, "Duh!"

[Daphne]

I've had my man read a couple of Gabaldon's books. He had to be pushed into it (like most men & RNs) but eventually admitted that he liked the stories.

His most insightful comment was that "the story seems centered on the emotions." I was like, "Duh!"

[Fred]

PointyEars42 wrote: "James wrote: "Bill wrote: "Would a man learn anything about what a woman really wants by reading romance novels, or are they often so outlandish in their characterization that its comical, and yet ..."
I think women and men need to talk openly about want in life & in bed!in for play I ask her tell me wate she wants or I"ll stop!this gets her to open up.

[Caitlin]

I think the best strategy is to pay attention to what makes the other person tick. For example, I could care less about expensive gifts, but clean the bathroom for me and my love deepens. Someone else might not care that you offered to take their car to the mechanic, but really loves receiving fresh flowers. To me, a successful relationship starts with paying attention to what each other like, and asking questions if you're unsure.
And please recognise the importance of consent. Many romance books have sex scenes lacking consent and you should NOT be mimicking them. For example, a man may kiss the main character without warning. Even if she likes it in the book, that is not OK in real life. A better tactic would be to lean in part way and wait for a sign that she's interested in the kiss happening (ie tilting her head up towards you, leaning in closer, etc)
I think I can speak for most women when I say that anticipation of sexy times is going to be hotter than a surprise that couldn't be seen coming at all.

[Nevada]

It's really brave of you to ask this question here, I'm sure it was embarassing. Big time kudos to you, sir!

Caitlin raises a good point, what signifies love to one person means nothing to another person. I would suggest The 5 Love Languages as a good general overview/tool for good communication and AH-HA moments. For instance, I would never want a man to order my food for me (unless I'd already told him what I wanted) but someone else might think it was impressive, thoughtful, manly and showed worldliness. I would never want my hubby to steer me around a room like a puppet, but I would love it if he knew how to be a strong lead on the dance floor. Pay attention and ask, all women are different.

Kate Perry's Laurel Heights is a good series (I'm warning you it's all female perspective and very relationship driven) that has a couple different "types" of females and might help with the "how do women think" questions. It also has some fun but not too technical/descriptive sexy-times.

Also, someone above mentioned reading books together. Whoever you find will probably have some "go-to" books on her shelf that you could volunteer to read so you know what gets this specific girl going.

There's no easy answer though, just a lot of determination and dedication - hence so much divorce. Falling in love is the super easy part, being committed to love is the hard part.

[Michelle]

My husband and I have started reading/audio booking some of my favorite romance novels together. I think that in all the romance novels I love or reread there is a sliver of something that I would love or enjoy but if I expected my husband to find the one line in one book that fit what i felt like I wanted last Friday night then it'd be silly. I think it comes down to knowing your partner. I don't need my husband to fight bad guys or pull a scene from a movie because the things that he does that shows he knows me are the best.

There's a line in a book by Anne bishop from her Tir Alainne trilogy where it says something like that the main female who doesn't go out of her way to make big gestures or say tons goes out of her way to plant peas because they're her partners favorite. It seems silly I guess when you summarize that but they go on to talk about that the big grand gestures and hot fiery romance might be best for some people but sometimes those burn too hot and too fast and burn out, sometimes going slow steady and stable is what you need for a great foundation.

And now I am done with my late night rambling. Hope it helps some!

[[deleted user]]

I think that is a really good point Michelle. I really like Anne Bishop and how she portrays her characters. They are very realistic, have depth, and their complexity grows. You're example in the Tir Alainne series is a good one. I also like her Others books, and I simply adore the Black Jewels books because of the wonderful way they are written.