Beta Reader Group discussion
This topic is about
Fourthworks
Authors Seeking FREE Betas
>
Need Edit/Proofread for 7,338 word YA Crime episode
date
newest »
newest »
Hi Heather - While I understand your situation, I don't edit for free, but I wanted to ask you about the tenses you are using. I realize you're writing in first person and present tense. However, when you use words such as 'says' instead of 'said' and 'asks' instead of 'asked', it is making the book too passive tense, instead of "active" tense (e.g., boring vs lively words). It's very closely related to how you should "show" rather than "tell" in stories. [Not saying that every 'says', etc., needs to be changed to 'said', etc.]
Another example of a passive tense sentence you use is - "I rough up his short, thick, black hair and laugh."
I would suggest saying, "I roughed up his short, thick black hair, and laughed."
The change does not make the sentence any less present tense, but makes it 'active'. (I did omit the comma after the word 'thick'.)
Another sentence above says: "She rolls her eyes."
I would suggest changing it to read, "She rolled her eyes."
Hope this helps and/or gives you something to think about. (Otherwise, from the above sample, things look good.)
I didn't think I could have past tense words like that. There are 3 forms of present tense. I use the one where it is happening instantaneously. I'll look into it.
Heather wrote: "I didn't think I could have past tense words like that. There are 3 forms of present tense. I use the one where it is happening instantaneously. I'll look into it."A number of multi-word constructions exist to express combinations of present tense with aspect. The basic form of the present tense is called the simple present; there are also constructions known as the present progressive (or present continuous) (e.g. am writing), the present perfect (e.g. have written), and the present perfect progressive (e.g. have been writing).
Use of the present tense does not always imply present time. In particular, the present tense is often used to refer to future events (I am seeing James tomorrow; My train leaves at 3 o'clock this afternoon). This is particularly the case in condition clauses and many other adverbial subordinate clauses: If you see him,...; As soon as they arrive... There is also the historical present, in which the present tense is used to narrate past events.
Also see this the info on this link:
http://learnenglish.britishcouncil.or...
BLURB:
It was a joke. No one was supposed to get hurt, but they did. Now, my friends and I have to live with it. The question is, will we live with it alone or will we suffer behind bars?
*This series is loosely-based on the debut novel "Summers & Winters" (no longer in circulation).*
Here's the first 400 words.
Forthworks
by Heather Dowell
Chapter 1
The jets shut off and the bubbles simmer down to a foggy mist. How long have I been in here? I hold out my hands. “Ugh, I’m so pruny.”
“Eh, your hands are perfect,” Brent says, tracing the wrinkly indents on my fingertips.
“Mmm hmm,” Cassie says with wide eyes.
“Oh come on. I’m just making a statement,” Brent says.
“I don’t mind.” I rough up his short, thick, black hair and laugh.
“Why wouldn’t you want a guy to tell you’re perfect?” Shelby asks, pushing herself up and over the edge of the hot tub. She’s so small and delicate. If anyone is perfect, it’s her with her petite frame, long, wavy, blonde hair and tiny little muscles from all her break-dancing classes.
“Come on, Anna. Don’t act like no one calls you pretty?” Chad says, grabbing a can Coke out of the open cooler behind him. Anna is not Shelby’s middle name. Anna is a nickname Chad bestowed on her after I told him she resembled AnnaSophia Robb, one of my favorite actresses.
“Yeah, Anna,” says Cassie. “We all know you’re the pretty one.”
“Oh please,” I say, flicking my wrist. “You aren’t anything to spit at, Selena.”
She rolls her eyes. I didn’t give her that nickname. No. That was Vegas’ doing. I can’t count how many times she’s been mistaken for Selena Gomez. It’s unfathomable. Had she been wearing appropriate clothing a few years back, she would’ve gotten into the Grammy’s or whatever award show they were hosting at the time.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say people are idiots. Cassie does resemble Selena Gomez. She has long, thick and wavy, black hair, Peruvian skin, and big brown eyes. Her legs are to die for. I totally have a girl crush due to those things. If I was the envious type, I’d hate her because of her looks. It’s not always easy hanging with the girl that makes me invisible. Never to Brent though. According to Cassie, I’m the only girl on his mind. His little perfect everything comment just boosts her confidence in the theory. She’s been trying to convince me since the day Brent and I broke up that Brent was only pretending to be cool with it so that I would run back into his arm.
I bore into her soul with wiggly eye. Never going to happen, sista.
She nods her head as if to say, you just wait and see. I’m going to win this non-wagered bet.