SOLVED. A fantasy book about a thief that angers a wizard and is banished halfway across the world. [s]

[EvilGmer]

A fantasy book about a thief that angers a wizard and is banished halfway across the world. Protagonist is male and criminal, steals and kidnaps on occasion, works odd jobs as well. Set in a medieval time period with castles and strange creatures and magic. He is caught stealing from a powerful wizard and the wizard summons a gargoyle to fly him halfway across the world. He is given an amulet that turns solid objects into edible substance. The twist is it stays the same texture/shape/taste, it just becomes edible. He finds a key or something that makes him the ruler of a beach side kingdom, and this old guy is there with a sieve and has been sifting sand his entire life looking for the key or magic item or whatever it is. The protagonist keeps it and there is some demon of something in the castle. He ends up wandering and finds a village of fat disgusting people. They live in dirty shacks and eat lentils. Instead of eyes they have purple jewels. The jewels came from one of the old ones, a giant octopus thing. The spherical jewels make them think they are kings and princes in magnificent golden palaces eating cake and delicious foods. finds out that when one of the purple eye people dies, a lentil farmer takes his place. He finds out who the next person to get an eye is, and promptly kills him, steals his clothing, cuts his hair, and disguises himself using the things he took. The leader of this village dies, and he almost gets his eyes. The guy he "killed" wakes up, and demands to have the eyes. But the problem is the protagonist already has one of them. the new ruler makes them share the eyes, and then there is something about a lady riding a goose legged vehicle that chases him. Next, being broke, he signs a contract with this archaeologist guy to work for him by digging up ancient scales. The only problem is he is charged for room and board, so he instantly goes into debt. Speaking with the other workers, he finds out that he is paid a set amount per scale he finds, depending on how large it is, and they are all trying to pay their way out of debt. He soon finds a really big one, but keeps it to himself. There is a lot more plot in this section, but I don't fully remember all of it, I think someone dies. At the end of this chapter all the other workers steal his stolen money and are very rich, driving by him in extravagant cloths and carriages. He is now penniless. Next he goes to a city with a gigantic tower. The tower is to be manned as a watch at all times. He is told his every wish is to be granted if he works in the tower. He is lied to, and is stuck in the tower with crappy food and he watches the people down below with a telescope. Eventually he frees himself by climbing down a robe and he steals a ship and kidnaps the mayors wife and daughters as revenge. A ton more plot happens but I'm tired so maybe I'll add to this later. He eventually gets back home, and manages to imprison the wizard inside the wizards own castle by getting a magic item. He learns some spells to torture the wizard, like the spell of a thousand itches while binding the wizard with another spell so he can't scratch himself. He eventually decides to use the entombment spell, but it backfires and previous victims of the spell are thrown out of the ground. Annoyed, he tries using the banishment spell that took him halfway across the world on the wizard, but this backfires as well and he is taken back to the very beach he started from, perfect material for a sequel.

I hope that's enough to give you a general idea, I read the book a few years ago and really enjoyed it. I skimmed over a bit of the plot in the middle, I think it was the ship captain's wife and daughters he kidnapped, and they pissed in his food or something. There was another time he ate this jellyfish looking thing that another wizard (immortal) had been studying for 1000 years and was on the edge of deciphering the meaning of the universe from it and has builders of all sizes, dwarves to giants working on an intricate stone construction. He is not accepted for the position. The protagonist is clever, but greedy and has few morals. Fate decides to ruin him multiple times in this book though.

[Stephen]

Almost certain this is one of Jack Vance's Dying Earth books, I think The Eyes of the Overworld.

[EvilGmer]

Thanks Stephen!

That's the one.