Olaff's journal

[[deleted user]]

[[deleted user]]

[[deleted user]]

So I've started drawing again and it's helped somewhat. I haven't cut in a while or drunk or gone back to my bad habits... so thats good.

[[deleted user]]

I think this is one of my best drawings yet - with a little help from the computer I think it looks even better. I'm not sure I want to take art as one of my options but it's too late now because I've already chosen photography but I wonder if the teachers would let me make a last minute decision...

[[deleted user]]

So this girl- sorta kinda my mate - called me an idiot today because I cut. I trusted her by telling her and she called me a idiot. this time last year it was her that was cutting and me that was helping her and giving advice. And not once did I call her an idiot. But now the tables have turned and it feels like I've been stabbed in the back. I hate how I once used to think these people were my friends and I help them when they ask but when I need help they all turn their backs on me.

[[deleted user]]

So I was looking at star my star and I found this out:

Capricorn is the ice queen. with a cold exterior, always in control, they appear to be emotionless. that couldn’t be farther from the truth. they are ambitious and hard-working, yes, but they’re hardly the cold-hearted businessman everyone paints them to be. they have a wonderful sense of humor, a brilliant mind, and often make remarkable writers. they believe you should always try and work hard to make your dreams come true. they want to succeed and will stop at nothing to get what they want. their determination is admirable, as is their creativity. like virgo, they may struggle with displays of emotions, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel them, or the stress, or the pressure to succeed.

I guess it's right about that fact that I'm not very good at handling my emotions and I am sorta creative. And I do work very hard... I'm not the most nicest person either in real life either. I swear like a horse does shit but I wouldn't say I'm necessarily cold hearted, just a little more enclosed than other people and I'm not exactly an open book.

[[deleted user]]

The stress has really gotten to me and now I'm o days clean. My thighs really sting but I like it. That burning sensation is something that I embrace. And I have P.E tomorrow which really sucks because we're doing athletics and my tracksuit bottoms will chafe and I can't wear shorts otherwise it'll be too obvious .-.

[[deleted user]]

A to kill the pain
A pill to keep you sane
I will be the cause
of my own demise
with weeping wrists
And bleeding eyes
living In a world so unfair
where not single person
gives a damn or cares.
Now I'm falling apart
so it will be my time to depart
Where would I go?
What do I know?
Dig a hole a thousand
feet deep,
body hits the ground
and just go to sleep
What's the point anyway?
I don't belong as they all say
wondering around for
a purpose to find
Only to realise
That

I'm

going

out

of

my

fucking

mind

[[deleted user]]

I suck at poetry but I was bored and needed something to keep me busy

[[deleted user]]

[[deleted user]]

[[deleted user]]

Jane the killer

[[deleted user]]

Jeff's girlfriend

[[deleted user]]

PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER AS IT IS ABOUT CUTTING SO "TRIGGER WARNING" AND YEAH THATS IT...

(view spoiler)[ I know this will make me sound like the biggest hypocrite in the world... but I want to change. Lately I've been thinking about whats happening to me when I cut. I realise that after I cut it doesn't solve any of my problems, all it does is make my skin go red and then a month later turn into a cascade of ugly scars. Cutting isn't a solution and it's kinda like saying that procrastinating is a solution. But then I go on tumblr and I see these photos of a girl with a razor in her hand and cuts on her arms and legs with the caption, "this one is for you." You know what I find this funny. Why do people cut themselves put a caption under it and then post it on the internet? Fucking attention seekers. Another picture someone had a knife to their wrist and the words "HELP" written on their knuckles. Wow just wow. Jesus fucking Christ if you really wanted help then you wouldn't post a fucking picture on the goddamn internet and instead you would actually go and look for help. I get that some people are scared and they probably are scared to tell anyone, but why do we have the internet? The internet is a great place and it tells us loads of things including ways to get help. The are confidential therapists out there so that means whatever you say will be kept secret. Attention seekers. All of this posting pictures on the internet. THEN i come across another picture this time with scars on the thighs saying "DON'T EAT."

DON'T EAT?

You are fucking shitting me right?!

Go the the faces of these children and tell them "DON'T EAT"



We are privileged people. With a home and a roof above our heads and food to eat and showers and baths to bathe in. And then some idiot goes "DONT EAT" and that just really pisses me off. I know people have eating disorders and many starve themselves; but fuck there is food right there and we're throwing it away. That food could have saved a starving kid in Africa. So what I'm saying is google is there. Type up eating disorder and get help.

Ohters say cutting relieves them, puts them in pain, makes them high etc. I used to think that once but then I realised that I was mutilating my body. I was given able working body and I was destroying it. Some people they're disable, can't walk, have no arms, born with deformities... Now I'm grateful that I can run and walk and do things just like any other regular person.

Cutting was a waste of time

Seriously, if i had time to cut, then i have no life. I actually had the time to get the blade and put it to my skin because I had nothing better to do. And the same goes for the smoking, pills and other destructive things I have taken in the past that harm my body. Wow, i never knew i had time for all that bullshit I did before. I saw this article where they say that people are cutting because other people do it. How fucking dumb can you get? Hell I've seen kids doing weed and thats even less destructive than tobacco. It's peer pressure nowadays but that is so fucking dumb.

I'm ashamed of myself. I can't believe I've done all this bullshit. compared to someone who doesn't have enough food to fill their stomach, someone who doesn't have a roof over their head, someone who doesn't even have clean water I've been a fucking pussy, all my goddamned life. Because when I cut it just showed how weak I was. I don't see any cuts on the people who are going through a shitload more than me and that just shows their determination. But thats all gonna change now.

Every time I get spanked or beaten, I'm gonna look at the sky, and think. Because all those other times I didn't think, I just did. And that got me nowhere. I have an education, I have human rights, I have working arms and legs and I have my fucking life. I don't have an easy life but nor do I have the hardest life. I want a future with a loving husband and maybe a kid or two and a career. I don't think anyone will hire someone "who cuts themself and is mentally unstable" fuck who would want somebody like that working for them? they'd probably go crazy and slit their throat then and there right in the middle of work. If I really thought my life was that insignificant then there is someone in this world that is going through the same thing as me, but they never turned on themselves - they dealt with their problems instead of slicing their fucking wrists. Oh yeah and cutting gives pleasure? sure mutilating oneself is just great. why do people cut? simple answer is because they cannot handle their fucking problems And the people cut because the people around them cut? thats just so fucking stupid I can't even. Don't judge me on this because it is my opinion and I have a right to say what I want. It's time to get my head out of my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself. Stop all this bullshit and fix my fucking life. (hide spoiler)]

[[deleted user]]

I did that somewhere else but thought some may benefit if I post it here.

[[deleted user]]

Oh thats real mature, blocking me yeah?

[[deleted user]]

I don't sugar coat anything and I really hate it when people say I don't know their "pain". Thats fucking retarded because everybody goes through pain in their life and it's all different.

[We Are The Fallen~I’m sending a raven with blood on its wings~]

I LOVE your art!!! I draw myself and as a fellow artist I complement you with much! It's very good and unique. :)

[[deleted user]]

I just realised that cutting was a waste of my time and did not benefit me in any way. I needed help so I went to see a therapist and I'm actually getting better.

[[deleted user]]

But some people just don't fucking listen.

[[deleted user]]

So when I said I hadn't cut for a while I was "getting stronger"
And now that I've stopped altogether I can't help other people?
Thats bullshit cuz I helped myself didn't I?
I cant see why I cant do the same to others.

[[deleted user]]

We Are The Fallen~ I get caught up in the things that matter the least, O let me have release~ wrote: "I LOVE your art!!! I draw myself and as a fellow artist I complement you with much! It's very good and unique. :)"

thanks

[[deleted user]]

Uhhh so that turned into a bit of a rant

[[deleted user]]

I'll just post drawings from now on.

[[deleted user]]

(view spoiler)[ (hide spoiler)]

[[deleted user]]

[[deleted user]]

[[deleted user]]

motherfuckers are so full of crap

Jesus fucking Christ their asses must be jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of their mouths -.-

[[deleted user]]

Some people just can't keep their whoremones at bay -_-

[[deleted user]]

My art is a load of crap

[[deleted user]]

Thanks dad

[[deleted user]]

You've brought my self esteem lower than it already is

[[deleted user]]

fuck you and your dream of having the perfect fucking daughter

[[deleted user]]

I'm sorry your son died and you had to have me instead

But I never asked to be born

[[deleted user]]

It's not my fault

[[deleted user]]

I realise that there are two types of people. The ones who are suicidal and genuinely want to die so they take the gun to their head and pull the trigger... or drive their cars off a bridge...

Then there are those who are suicidal, who think they want to die but in reality they want to be saved. They'll harm their bodies whether it be cutting, drugs, drinking, smoking etc or it could be that they drain a bottle of pills in hope that it will be enough to kill them.

[[deleted user]]

I'm past cutting and drugs and I don't drink as much as I used to.

So that leaves smoking

[[deleted user]]

As they say an addiction is an addiction

[[deleted user]]

I miss him .-.

[[deleted user]]

Some days I actually think he'll walk through the door and everything will go back to the way it was but then it hits me that it's just wishful thinking.

[[deleted user]]

I don't think I'll ever get over it

[[deleted user]]

It's been seven months but it feels like it happened yesterday

[[deleted user]]

[[deleted user]]

[[deleted user]]

[[deleted user]]

Bullshit .-.

All of it, bullshit.

[[deleted user]]

[Tabi]

Wαη∂єяєя wrote: "I suck at poetry but I was bored and needed something to keep me busy"

not true i love your poetry

[[deleted user]]

Thanks

[[deleted user]]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I dont like poetry
fuck this doesn't rhyme