Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Which of my queries do you like better? YA Fantasy
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Query #1 is waaay more interesting to me, but I would clarify a few things in it if you decide to pick that one. "Tinkered with the mind" needs to be more specific and I would delete "though" and find a way to tie in the second sentence with the first sentence better. The last sentence also comes off a little confusing - "blackened eyes on the wrong side of good and monster" confuses me
L.C. wrote: "Query #1 is waaay more interesting to me, but I would clarify a few things in it if you decide to pick that one. "Tinkered with the mind" needs to be more specific and I would delete "though" and f..."Thx for the feedback! I will work on the opening paragraph. As far as the last one:
Hero must do X before he ends up with "blackened eyes on the wrong side of good and monster" was my "clever" way of saying:
Hero must do X before he ends up "as a monster"
"Wrong side of good and monster" was supposed to be a twist of "wrong side of good and evil" (which is cliche). If it's too confusing I will probably change it to be clear (but I really liked the play on words).
I actually find the second one more engaging, though it probably needs to be shortened.Just my opinion, but maybe:
Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone by the aliens when they arrived. It’s 2035 though, and Dax still hasn’t seen an alien . . . or a monster, but that all changes in the span of one night.
The monsters--humans turned grisly creature by illegal experiments--cause bloodshed and gore. And soon they grow rampant as the aliens conspire against the Earth, so Dax must learn to use the little power he was given to protect his family and his town. More importantly though, Dax needs to figure out who the real enemy is – monster, alien, or human – before he ends up as one of the dark monsters, just like his best friend.
Query #1 (edited)
Everyone has psychic powers, but some weren’t satisfied, so they used scalpels and science until monsters were born. Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter hates himself more than the monsters though, since he’s the one who killed his best friend’s parents.
At least that’s what he tells himself as he lies awake at night. In reality, when Dax and his friend Seven are camping, a black monster creeps from the darkness and rips through their camp, leaving dead parents, a missing friend, and Dax unconscious.
Dax could’ve done more to help, so he blames himself, and he’s not the only one. His best friend shows up at his doorstep with pale skin and empty eyes, turned into one of the wretched monsters with a bloody wrath. And their reunion ends with broken bones and Dax’s mom in the hospital.
Both seek revenge and the two friends clash as the monsters grow out of control. To save his town and to stand a chance against the monster that wears his best friend’s face, Dax must learn to use the little power he was given before he himself ends up on the wrong side of the scalpel.
Query #2
Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone by the aliens when they arrived. It’s 2035 though, and Dax still hasn’t seen an alien . . . or a monster, but that all changes in the span of one night.
First is the monster – a human turned grisly creature by illegal experiments. It breaks into Dax’s house, strangling his mom, but Dax knocks the beast out of the window and it flees into the night.
Afterward, Dax doesn’t get to rest his nerves, sitting face to face with an alien detective and looking into their fiery yellow eyes for the first time. According to his uncle, the aliens are harmless though, bringing peace and technology when they came to the planet.
The monsters cause the bloodshed and gore. And soon they grow rampant as the aliens conspire against the Earth, so Dax must learn to use the little power he was given to protect his family and his town. More importantly though, Dax needs to figure out who the real enemy is – monster, alien, or human – before he ends up as one of the dark monsters, just like his best friend.