Sunday Conversation Topic - 7/7/19

[Karin]

Amy wrote: "Karin, forgot to mention on the other thread - if you’d like to come to the author event it’s at Stellina’s in Watertown. Just call them to tell them you’re coming so they have a seat for you. But ..."

Thanks, I try to only go to Watertown once a year when I chair one of the NEPTA recitals, but I might go to one of these events sometime during the school year if you are going to one. But this month it's college tuition and fees month for two kids. Well, I think we only have to help pay for one of them, but I am waiting until the bills are paid before any nightlife!

It would be great if a few of us could reserve a table for one of those sometime in the future--I see they had one in June as well. Too bad Nicole is heading to CT! But there are probably others who could go.

[Karin]

I have been thinking about this.

On the one hand, it is irksome that people make such a big deal out of a dad who is caring for his kids. My voice teacher cares for his daughter two days a week during the year (he teaches at a college out of state in NH the other days) and daily during the summer--I haven't once thought of praising him for this (he's young enough to be a child of mine, although older than all of my kids--ouch!) She turned 4 this past spring.

On the other, I really think people are slow to give comliments and praise IRL. While I never give a compliment I don't mean, a few years ago I started making a point of giving them when I see something I like, even to random strangers (around here that is rare). Most of the time people are really happy if I mention how well their kids are behaving (or for a few things I see parents doing that I think is wise), that I like something they are wearing, etc. I have come to see that it means a lot to many people-We're just passing each in the grocery store, waiting in line, etc. It's unsolicited as well. I also zip my lip when I see things parents do I don't agree with--as the mother of an Aspie there is always the outside chance they have an Aspie or Autistic child and they are doing the only thing they know to keep that child quiet and cooperative in the store (but I know that is not the case most of the time).

[Susie]

Nicole R wrote: "Susie, I am low key in love with your husband based solely on what I know of him through social media. I feel like he would not only have been in the kitchen helping, but would have been harassing ..."

I think he would just quietly have done his thing, making them look bad in the process. He's very quiet and modest, unlike his wife!!

[Susie]

Joanne wrote: "Tracy wrote: The whole chores/helping around the house is a whole other thing- the hubster does help, but I swear he loads the dishwasher and puts dishes away in the wrong places on purpose, so tha..."

Never mind the mental load too Joanne! I read a great article a while ago about how mothers tend to have a much larger mental load. We hold it all in our heads - after school sports, doctors appointment, play dates, hair cuts, birthday presents, new clothes, will they be well adjusted adults, what am I doing to completely screw them up, will they still love me when they are grown up, when the hell will I get to go to the toilet on my own, the list goes on and on! Men don't seem to carry that load in most relationships. I will admit that I take on most of that mental load in our relationship as I work part time so I'm the one taking them to everything, and I'm more social than my husband so I find things out more effectively than he does! He does do the bulk of the housework though, so it evens out.

[Meli]

A guy I worked with asked me "do you have to yell at your husband to do things?" (like a honey-do list). To put it in context, he had some comic to show me and wanted to confirm first if it was relatable.

The answer is NO. Not only because we are a couple that communicates well, but also because he is highly motivated. He vacuums as soon as he gets home every day. He mows on a schedule without prompting. He does almost all the grocery shopping and cooking. He is very organized and clean. I NEVER have to ask him to do anything. I basically just do the laundry and handle most bills :P

[Susie]

I’m glad we’ve found the good guys.

[Karin]

I think it's great that more and more men take on more at home, especially with more and more women working outside the home (or even if they don't but have several children, etc).

My husband, who is nearly 62, works a physical job (self-employed for many years now) comes home exhausted--but he does a lot of things here even if he doesn't come home and vacuum. My kids can do that :).

I think that every relationship and set up is different and it's better to find what works for us and not set rules as to who does what. Also, I opted to stay home when the kids were little so I was the one around--we have agreed about choice here, but I have been irked more than once with some younger feminists (I have not only been one since 9, I would have majored in Women's Studies but back then my university only had a minor and the big university in town didn't even have that much) who insist that those who opt to stay home with their children are wrong.

But my kids are old enough to vacuum. Not that any of them love it.