I'm needing some feedback on my first love scene (I hope this goes here)

[Tomas, Wandering dreamer]

To be honest, I think my first attempt was worse. I can say it was around the same length though focused on the foreplay with fade-out at the moment of penetration.
Why am I saying this?
I don't know what is the exact purpose of the scene. What you should consider (and make sure the scene, if you include it, does that accordingly) is whether you want to show sensuality (which was my case) or lust (which seems to be your case) more - and what level of detail do you want to show.
By what I've been told by two very helpful people in this group, the build-up also matters a lot, because it sets some expectations for the reader when it comes to how the characters will behave, including in this kind of scenes - and which we don't have. If a character is romantic and sensual, the focus should be more on the emotional aspect. If it's to show a desire for release - which can very well be your case - then the scene you shared might be a spot on. It's hard to guess without knowing the context. Likewise, the 'damage' the characters suffered through the story can have an impact (such as one of them being possibly reluctant). There are many pieces to the puzzle, especially if it's at the end of a book, to consider. You, as the author, should know the characters the best and make sure the scene stays true to them.
So, what I can tell you is: consider all the aspects, write a few different versions of the scene and compare them if it might help.

Also, the target audience (especially age) matters. Since you mentioned it¨s a thriller, I don't think it's a factor (those are usually aimed at adult audience) but I mention it for sake of completeness.

[Peter]

What I did for the one love scene in my novel was pretty PG-13. I played up the scene as having obvious sexual tension between the two characters, and in an awkward silence one basically attacks the other with a kiss. I mention some kissing and disrobing, but leave the rest to the imagination as I fast-forward to the post-sex laying in bed. In this regard especially I think less is more, but it's entirely up to your preferences, your target audience, and how it clicks with the rest of your story. I hope that helps!

[M.L.]

I suggest keeping it really simple and short or you'll get tangled up.
For example, last sentence: "His eyes smile from his cheeks." How does he manage that? Is he contortionist? It doesn't make sense.

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

Hmm... are you going for romantic here? Erotic? Both? Neither? It reads as if the narrator is an announcer sitting on the bed watching and giving us a play by play. I'd like to know more about what the characters are feeling. Mechanical sex is boring in real life and not a lot of fun to read, either.

[L.K.]

G wrote: "I think even changing the ending to this scene to just have her smile and be comforted by laying in his arms when they’ve finished could make a big difference in the audience satisfaction."

I think you've probably found your answer :)

In a thriller novel (I also write thrillers), I would say sex scenes are fine if there is a strong reason for including them. The fact that you feel your readers would be just as satisfied without the scene, almost certainly means the scene isn't necessary. I occasionally have the opposite problem, where I gloss over some difficult to write scenes, such as sex scenes or violent scenes, in my earlier drafts and then find I have to add more detail in otherwise the story doesn't work properly - this is usually where the sex, or violence, causes a huge shift in the characters' relationship that just cannot be adequately shown unless the reader knows exactly what has happened. For example, in one of my recent novels my female character has previously been in an abusive relationship and when she meets somebody new she is nervous about starting a new relationship. Her concerns eventually lead her to end the relationship, but they then get back together and I have included a brief sex scene, as this is a pivotal moment in their relationship and the sex scene shows both her and his emotions, and also the fact that despite her misgivings she has developed strong feelings for him. I felt like it would be impossible to show this huge shift in their relationship and her emotions without the reader being present for the sex scene.

Other times, I feel like it is good for readers to know that a couple have had sex, but they don't need to actually read a blow-by-blow account, in which case I would usually start the scene immediately afterwards and the focus would be on a conversation they have in bed. It seems like this is the approach that you probably want to use if the most important thing is the emotional connection the characters share. You can still give a feel for what the sex was like, as well. For example I have a scene in one of my books where I want to show the characters have had fairly "wild" sex, though the scene starts once they've finished.

"Stephanie collapsed, exhausted, onto the bed beside Jason, and he grinned at her. She beamed back at him – she couldn’t help it. She had to admit, no matter what other compromises she made to be with Jason, the sex she had with him was like nothing she could have imagined"

In another book I have a scene that starts just after, but it has quite a different mood:

"Tamsin sighed contentedly and snuggled closer to Paul. They’d just made love, and she could see a thin film of sweat across his forehead. His eyes were closed, but he pulled her in closer to him, and she rested her head on his chest. "

Anyway, I think whether you use the sex scene that you wrote or not, it was still a great idea to write it. Sometimes you can only figure out what should go in your book through trial and error, and practising writing different sorts of scenes is never a waste of time, because the more you write the more you learn what works and what doesn't. As some general feedback about your love scene that you posted, my main comment would be that it was a little bit confusing in places - I would personally say that when I read a sex scene I don't really want the actions to be too heavily veiled, it's better to just understand what they are doing, without it being obscene! So, for example, I like this sentence "His hands travel her silky skin before he takes hold of her and flips her beneath him." because I understand exactly what you mean. Whereas this "Without warning, her jeans no longer hide her lace panties and with as much warning as her jeans, his lips take over the job her panties had, sending her back arching and her hand to the back of his head. " I do understand what you mean but I had to read it more than once - I'd rather just read that his lips are between her legs rather than they are taking over the job her panties had, because I immediately know then what you're talking about. Of course it's fine to have your own style, but for me it slows it down and makes me focus more on the words you are using than on the action itself. If that is the first sex scene you have written though, there's some good stuff in there. Just follow your instinct about what works for your story :)

[Tomas, Wandering dreamer]

L.K. wrote: "I occasionally have the opposite problem, where I gloss over some difficult to write scenes, such as sex scenes or violent scenes, in my earlier drafts and then find I have to add more detail in otherwise the story doesn't work properly - this is usually where the sex, or violence, causes a huge shift in the characters' relationship that just cannot be adequately shown unless the reader knows exactly what has happened."
---
"I think whether you use the sex scene that you wrote or not, it was still a great idea to write it. Sometimes you can only figure out what should go in your book through trial and error, and practising writing different sorts of scenes is never a waste of time, because the more you write the more you learn what works and what doesn't."


My experience would support that. As I hinted in my reply, the first draft of the scene was very short. It was pretty much a bit of teasing on both sides, undressing, and going for the bed, at which point the scene faded out (and the next scene was the morning after).
When I made some changes to the story as a whole in the further draft, I've realized there's a potential to it, especially in showing the softer side of the male MC - his doubts and anxiety fighting with his desires (more so when it's the first time for both him and her). This was impossible to do without drastically increasing the detail to show his internal thoughts throughout the foreplay and the inner dilemmas he faces.

[Edward]

G wrote: "I have never written a sex scene before and to be honest, I am not even sure if I will include one in my thriller novel but thought I would try my hand at it just to see how bad I could screw it up..."

HI there. I am not sure of the tone you are going for, but here is my opinion about sex scenes.

It is very difficult to be detailed in writing a sex scene and not become mechanical, or smutty about it. I would doubt either is the intended tone.

In my opinion, it is better to allude to the fact that the action continued and let the reader infer what happened, as opposed to dictating what did. This way, in the reader's mind, they can tailor the consummation to something that sticks in their mind, rather than something rote.

A good example of this technique is in "The Natural". There is a scene wherein a child is conceived and the way the story handles it is you see the two characters heading into the barn. Anything that happens in a SPECIFIC way is inferred by the viewer, although we later see the child, so we KNOW the summary of what happened.

I am no prude. Detailed sex scenes give me no offense, but most of the time, they seem to get in the way of a story rather than furthering it.

This is just my opinion, and opinions are like noses. Everyone has one and they generally smell.

[B.A.]

As Edward said, I am no prude, having beta read exotica, but I'm a big fan of stopping the action gently while letting the readers imagine the exact actions of the coupling. I do have a couole of books with scenes in them, but I keep them somewhat generic as the focus is on the emotional aspect not the mechanics. Barbara Catland was an expert at the cutaway from a sex secene.

I ask myself, is this scene necessary to move the story forward or is it a gratuitous sex scene which can eliminated? Does it really add to what is happening between the characters? Does it fit with the tone of the book or series? I will then try the work with wnd without the scene and go which fits the best. In some books, those scenes add to th e story. In others, the sex scenes are to makenthe story steamy and could be left out.

[Whitney]

As far as matching up tone and story, I'd agree that unless the actual acts have something to do with the story it may not necessarily belong there. If your story has a romantic subplot then it could fit it but that depends entirely on your story and whether you want to really detail the passion and such. If it fits into or can be tied into the main story then I'd say go for it but, if it doesn't really offer much other than being a good time then it can easily be alluded to and referenced by characters later if it's really necessary. hope that helps