Help With Blurbs

[Jo]

Hehe.

I owe it all to this review group! And I thank you all from the bottom of my heart :)

Several people mentioned having a little trouble with the transitions - prompting me to finally hire an agent I've loved (but had trouble affording).

[K.S.]

How many of your reviews referenced the things you fixed? If very few of them mentioned edits or transitions, I'd skip saying anything about your changes. Personally, when I see an author explain how they put out a revised version because the first one had issues, I lose confidence in the author and may even feel slightly insulted. "What, you expect me to read any old crap? You can't take the time to present me, the reader, with a quality product that is the very best you're capable of? But you still expect me to pay for it???"

If people complained about polish in reviews, and you can contact those people, you might try apologizing to them and asking them to revisit both the manuscript and their review. You might want to accompany that with a blog post about lessons learned so that people understand that you're trying really really hard to be a good author, but sometimes things go wrong. I don't think people will hold a grudge if you couch it in those terms. They'll appreciate that you acknowledged the problem and took action. Just my psychological $.02 worth. You write awesome stories. I think they speak well of your capabilities.

[Jo]

I've done that myself - read such a comment, and avoided the book.

Thanks, Jonathan! Really appreciate that!

[Jo]

Thanks, Kathy :) Really appreciate your $.02!

And bless you for the kind words.

[David]

Hi everyone. I'd appreciate your feedback on the blurb for a short story which is nearing completion: 'The Wheel'

The immediate or headline blurb:

A short story about a clever cave-man, an angry woman - and the moment of the wheel.

The expanded or 'more':

If you’ve ever wondered how the wheel came to be invented, here’s a story that offers a plausible account. And if you ever wondered how momentous the invention of the wheel was, here’s an answer for that too. Welcome to the world of Al-bert Stone-head, his woman, and his wheel.

[Kathleen]

Hi David,

It's sounds fun, but I don't think the blurbs are punchy enough to get that across.

How about--A short story about a clever caveman, an angry woman, and a wheel moment of destiny.

I think you need to work in 'his woman' into the long blurb but honestly that title makes me an angry woman too.

How about changing the first sentence into a question? Have you ever wondered how the wheel was invented?

Maybe some puns about about civilization rolling along or something silly of that sort. And a hint about why that unnamed woman is so angry.

Just my two pebbles.

How are you doing, by the way, my friend? I hope all is well with you and Chantelle; as well as with your family and friends. These are crazy times. Nothing like the disco days of my youth. :o)

[David]

Hi Kathy,

more punchy, 'wheel moment of destiny' - I like the idea!

angry woman - sorry dear, it's the stone age. You know me better than that, I hope! (She's a pretty strong angry woman, though). It would be good to give some hint about it.

question - yes, that may work better.

My wife and I are both fine, although locked down 320km apart for the last six weeks and for at least another two weeks, if not longer. Crazy times, and hard times, indeed. Although I suspect the dystopian authors may be surreptitiously enjoying it!

Thanks for the feedback!

[David]

Alternative/revised:

Short:
An inventive cave-man angers his wife: this is a short story about a wheel moment in prehistory.

More:
How did the wheel come to be invented? Here’s a tale that offers a plausible account. (As it relates to married life, you might even consider it a true story!) And then if you ever wondered what kind of impact the invention of the wheel might have had in prehistoric times, you may find a familiar pattern here. Welcome to the world of Al-bert Stone-head, his woman, and his wheel.

[Michael]

I'm getting an educational rather than entertaining vibe from the blurb. Having read the story twice, I'm not sure if it's currently the right pitch.

Further up the thread, Kathy noted the winning three sentence combination for a blurb... here it is again.

Sentence #1 – Character name, vocation, initial situation

Dorothy Gale is a farm girl who dreams of getting out of Kansas to a land far, far away, where she and her dog will be safe from the town busybody Miss Gulch.

Sentence #2 – “When” + Doorway of No Return

Note: The Doorway of No Return is my term for the initial turning point that thrusts the Lead into Act II. I describe it in detail in Super Structure.

When a twister hits the farm, Dorothy is carried away to a land of strange creatures and a wicked witch who wants to kill her.

Sentence #3 – “Now” + The Death Stakes

Note: Death can be physical, professional, or psychological.

Now, with the help of three unlikely friends, Dorothy must find a way to destroy the wicked witch so the great wizard will send her back home.

Back to The Wheel...

The invention of the wheel is Al-bert's solution to his problem, so essentially you're telling us the plot in this blurb too. The blurb should also give us a flavour for the style of the story. This blurb doesn't sound much like satire.

[David]

Okay, different draft using Kathy's outline:

Al-bert Stone-head’s in trouble with his wife. It’s going to cost him blood, sweat, and tears before he can get back in her good books. (Well, maybe not the blood.) How far will Al-bert have to go to make things right? This is a short story about a wheel moment in prehistory.

[Michael]

Yep, I wanna read that now.

[David]

Mike, Kathy, thanks for the feedback, it was extremely helpful and much appreciated!

[Brian]

Greetings All!

Is this thread still alive? Are people still out there? If so, I would like to tap your collective wisdom and get some feedback on a proposed blurb for my latest novel.

This would be an agent pitch rather than a back cover synopsis, but many of the same rules apply. Does it set the hook? Tell too much, not tell enough, or get things about right? Would you ask for the first 50 pages? Any help would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Brian


THE ILLUSIONAIRES

Imagine an Earth with a past much like ours, except that magic is real. Then imagine three eras, three memorable events, as they might play out in that world.

1938
For master Illusionist Richard Constairs, it’s finally time to face facts. Stage acts are dying. Hollywood is king. The movies are taking over. And so, with a young protégé in hand, he heads out to California, where cinematic special effects are now produced through sorcery, not science.

Once there, he discovers a world of intrigue, rife with studio corruption, where magicians have become a new underclass, toiling away in the shadows. Assigned to a landmark production, filming The Wizard of Oz, he meets a young Judy Garland, at war with her own demons. Can he ease her heartache? Can he face his own? And what dark evil, felt not seen, waits behind that emerald curtain?

1963
Constair’s protégé, Charles Overton, now runs Division 12, a covert branch of the CIA where magic is given free reign. A pacifist rebel, principled to a fault, Charlie’s powers match his persona; an invisible man who can walk right through walls and slip through the world unnoticed.

Only now he’ll face his toughest assignment. One that will test his ideals. An elaborate scheme to fake JFK’s death in a Dallas motorcade. With the aid of a Roma sorceress, he conjures up Kennedy’s double, only to realize that their creation harbors a soul of his own. A soul that Overton must sacrifice in order to save his country.

1969
Richard Constairs is dying, alone and forgotten. Haunted by his mistakes. And so he is driven to seek out his son, estranged from him since birth. A brilliant wunderkind working with NASA, Rand Livotski is facing his own crisis, a growing disenchantment with the Space Race itself, and the bitter Cold War that fuels it.

But it turns out his father doesn’t seek mere forgiveness. He requires his son’s special skills. Hopes that with Rand’s help he’ll pull off one last feat, and beat Apollo to the moon. They embark on an ill-fated trip to Egypt. Face setbacks at every turn. And all the while Rand finds himself caught in a balancing act. Saying no to a dream, and a dying man’s delusions, while saying yes to the one who dreamt it.

With its intricate plotting, lively pace, and delight in a phrase well-turned, The Illusionaires is a magical romp, with a world as imagined by Neil Gaiman, and brought to life by the Coen brothers.

Brian T. Marshall has been writing professionally for over twenty years. In addition to publishing three novels, he has contributed to numerous publications, journals and anthologies. He currently lives in Northern California’s Sierra foothills, and is Vice-President of the North State Writers.

[K.S.]

It seems a bit too long for an agent pitch. There are plenty of sources out there that say you can do a page to a page and half, however. If you're seeing an agent face to face (like that's going to happen anytime soon), you're supposed to get all the necessary info in within a minute. Average speaking speed in English is around 150 words a minute. Your word count is more like 450 words, so you're looking at three minutes.

I'm not a good pitch writer, so I don't feel like I can get down in the weeds on how to improve this. If you don't have it, I would suggest that you try this book. It's darn expensive for such a short book, but it's one of the top five writing books I've owned and read. https://www.amazon.com/Selling-Your-S...

[David]

Agree with Kathy, it's too long. I'd say aim to cut the length in half. For each year, your first para is a good opening. I'd do the cutting in what follows each time.

Fascinating concept, though. I'd read this. :)

[Michael]

Sorry to be late to reply. Agree it's too long. You've got a tiny window of opportunity to grab an agent's attention. Try cutting all the words that distance the reader or slow the piece.

Using gravelly voice man movie trailer theory (I don't know what it's called, that's justwhat I call it), imagine your pitch like a movie trailer, but one you have to sell on the voice over alone.

Imagine distances us from the action. Go right to the heart of it: In a world much like our own, magic is real.

And so forth.

Also agree it's a fabulous idea. Looking forward to seeing it come out in whatever shape it takes.

[Brian]

Hey -

Thanks to all for the feedback. Now I'm stuck trying to whittle things down in a process that feels like rendering the Old Testament into haiku.

And I don't know if this is the appropriate forum for such a question, but does anyone have a line on a talented graphic artist who charges less than they're worth? A book cover is looming and I could definitely use a hand.

[Michael]

James Field has a pretty good artist who he found on fiverr. Send him a message. He's a member of this group and a good bloke.

[K.S.]

There is a GR group that I used to belong to that gave feedback/suggestions on book covers. (That was the exclusive reason for the group.) I trimmed my group list and don't have the exact name of it now, but you might look for it. They might also have some mentions of cover authors who do good work at reasonable prices.

And here's the link that I found: https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/...

[Brian]

Thanks to both Michael and Kathy for the tips. I am already harassing strangers. If anything looks promising I'll let you know.

[Kat]

Hi all! Please help me with my blurb for my upcoming book. Do your worst 😊

Werewolf Topher Greer spent years as a prisoner of the most dangerous vampire coven in Texas. One of the few long-term blood slaves to escape captivity, he can now sense vampires any time they’re near—and the Vampire Nation wants him dead. They’ve taken his brother hostage, and Topher will search the streets of Austin every night, defying the orders of his pack Alpha, if that’s what it takes to find him.

West Caldwell has spent every moment since his Omega powers were awakened fighting to contain the terrible truth about what he could do. Forced to live in secret or else risk being hunted by the shifter community, the night he slipped his magic bound Topher Greer to him for all eternity, a curse neither one of them can erase. Now his magic threatens to fracture even further, and at the worst possible time. Shapeshifters are being abducted off the streets of Austin and the clock is ticking.

[Brian]

Kat -

Glad to hear the latest is near. Congratulations!

As for your blurb, here's my take. I think it would be far more effective if you boiled it down to its essence. As it stands now, it reads more like a synopsis - a collection of plot points - rather than a pitch. So instead of an essay, make it a poem. Lay out the essential struggles of your two main characters. Don't explain them, bring them alive. The leaner you get, the more riveting, the more visceral, the more people you're going to hook. So keep it tight. Keep it focused. Be sparing with the facts. Remember you're selling tone, mood, not a sequence of events.

Hopefully this is of use.

Brian

[K.S.]

I agree with Brian. The current blurb is a bit much to take in. If you look up to Message 59 by Michael, you'll see a formula for blurbs that works pretty well. You'll need to make some modifications because you have co-protagonists. I run into the same thing with my SF mystery series. But you'd handle that the same a most romance books handle it where you need to name both sides of the romantic couple. Have another go, and then let us see what you come up with. Maybe start with the simple formula to get the blurb stripped down, and then embellish up to get the wow factor.

[David]

Agree with both Brian and Kathy above.

This is probably too short, but you really don't want to outline the whole story in the blurb. I might cut it right down to something like this:
'The Vampire Nation wants werewolf Topher Greer dead. They’ve taken his brother hostage, and the clock is ticking. With wild magic in the mix, the conflict escalates. Will Austin see Armageddon?'

[Michael]

Yes, the three sentence formula works well. Credit to Kathy for posting it. It forces you to compress ideas into something punchy. David's crack at it is pretty good. Pinch it, Kat. We won't tell.

[Kat]

Thanks for the feedback! Here's the newest version:

High school teacher by day, werewolf by night, West Caldwell has been forced to live in secret ever since his Omega powers manifested. One slip of his magic bound Topher Greer to him against his will. Now that magic threatens to fracture even further—just as shapeshifters are being abducted off the streets of Austin, Texas.

Topher Greer, EMT and former prisoner of the most dangerous vampire coven in Texas, is one of the rare few who can sense the presence of undead blood. He’s been marked for death by the Vampire Nation—who hold his brother hostage.

To avoid the coming war and save his brother, Topher will have to turn to the most unlikely of allies—and find a way to work with West Caldwell despite the fractured past neither of them can forget.

[David]

Much better. I think you can still cut the last para and lose nothing of value to the blurb.