Does this blurb make you want to read my book?

[L.A.]

I'm gearing up for a second round of beta readers and I want to put my best foot forward, as they say. What do you think of this blurb?


It was an untamed land, but not from a lack of trying.

Kura, as a daughter of criminals, has grown up in the Wynshire, a forest ruled by clans of fierce, talking beasts. Her parents -- and the other human villagers -- believe even this is more preferable than facing the king's justice, but Kura is determined to bring about a better life for her family. Even if that means sneaking behind her father's back.

Even if that means aiding the rebellion.


On the other side of Avaron, the land may be tame but the people are another point entirely.

Triston, as the crown prince, has been raised a soldier under his king's command, surrounded by false smiles and driven, conniving bureaucrats. His father -- and the man who might as well be his uncle -- are in agreement that this growing rebellion should be crushed, but Triston is not so sure. He is here to serve his people, after all, not hunt them down in their cursed wasteland.

But then come the sightings of Fidelis.


Few remember the legends, and fewer still remember them fondly. The Fidelis came from another era, an age of monsters and magic, a time of will and prophecy. Kura doesn't believe in it and about it Triston does not care, but -- one way or another -- each will have to face the truth.

Except truth is not always an easy thing to find, or accept.

Through their decisions both Kura and Triston stand poised to determine not only their own fates, and the fate of Avaron itself.

[Keith]

As a blurb, I think it's too long, by far, and not energetic enough. Yours clocks in at 264 words when the supposed sweet spot is 100-150.

Is your story meant to be a romance? Since it has a boy and a girl, even though it's clearly fantasy, I suspect many will think so.

I think we need to know something about Fidelis. Man, Monster, Magic, whatever, it needs some explanation so the reader knows to feel dread or not.

Your final sentence is rather tropey and, frankly, boring.

Here is my attempt (128 words):



Kura and Triston are polar opposites.

Kura and her family hide from the King's justice in the woods, along with the clans of fierce, talking beasts. Against her family's wishes, she's considering aiding the rebellion. One way or another, that would end her family's exile.

Triston is the crown prince, raised as a soldier. Though tasked with crushing the rebellion, he's not so sure. He's here to serve his people, not hunt them down in their cursed wasteland.

Then come the sightings of the Fidelis.

The Fidelis came from another era, an age of monsters and magic, a time of will and prophecy. Kura doesn't believe. Triston does't care. But they'll have to face the truth.

Except truth is not always an easy thing to find. Or accept.



I'll PM you a link to a blog post where I attempt to distill what I learned about blurb writing.

Good luck!

[Lydia]

I'll repeat what Keith already said, it's too long. It also ramble too much, and the key information has been split so that the reader has to stitch the information together to understand exactly what is going on.

Beginning: Start with the world-building, it seems that there is an ungoverned area ruled by talking beasts and one governed are ruled by the king. Explain this to start with, don't break up the two governed realms because separated they don't make sense.

Characters: Explain their emotions better, they are on opposite sides of the governed land and don't like it, but I have little understanding why.

Explain: Get the key information and stick to that. Who are our main characters, what are their goals, and what is getting in their way? The Fidelis is completely unexplained, you mention it and its connect to lore and prophecy but... what is it? What is it that Kura and Triston have to face?

Get rid of all the "-- aside --", they make the sentences unnecessarily long and convoluted and you use them 3 separate times!

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I'd suggest a set-up something like this:

Explain Avaron: the untamed (ruled by talking beasts) and the tamed (ruled by the king) and perhaps mention the rebellion that defies the king.

Kura: Daughter of criminals forced to live in the untamed section, which her parents see as preferable to facing the kings justice. But Kura wants a better life and is willing to do anything to achieve it, even if it means defying her father and joining the rebellion.

Triston: Crown prince raised a soldier who is ordered to crush the growing rebellion, but Triston has conflicting opinions because he is to protect the people not hunt them to the cursed wasteland (connect to the untamed land if it's the same, not create a new name for it)

Romance?: I'm assuming it is and that the Fidelis draws these two together, if that's true then say something about how these two clashing sides (Kura as representative of one and Triston as representative of the other) are drawn together by the Fidelis, then explain that it's something neither believe in but that it (whatever it is, explain a bit more) will force them both to face the truth and make decisions that will decide the fate of all of Avaron.

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Overall, I like the sound of it! I'm a sucker for enemies turned lovers, and that's what it seems like you're setting Kura/Triston up for. If that's not the case.. I'd consider changing how you structure the blurb because you'll get a lot of disappointed readers otherwise!

[L.A.]

Thanks for the feedback!

There is a romantic subplot, although it's very much not the focus of the story.

[Lydia]

If that's the case then I think how you've set-up the blurb is good.

Readers who like romance will probably assume that with the female/male dynamic that there will be some chemistry but since it's not overtly hinted at, they won't be disappointment with it not being the main focus.

[Nena]

I'm always looking for something new in a story, so the only thing I found interesting in your synopsis were the talking beast clans. But that seems to have little to do with the story...? The rest of what's written here has been done many, many times before and though your actual story may have a different spin on it, that does not come through in the synopsis.
Try stating how your story of star-crossed lovers, magic, and rebellion is different from other stories of star-crossed lovers, magic, and rebellion.