[2014, Aug] An Action within an Action

[Zenab]

An Action within an Action
Detective Adil entered the crime scene, which was a small room. The walls were covered with blue wall paper, along with a blue carpet on the floor, and a window at one end of the room. There were also some other things in the room like a book shelf, a laptop (on a desk) and a bed. Beside the bed was a dead body of the teenage boy!
Detective Adil lift of this trilby hat, and begin to examine the dead body, which was a prone position, and blood was running through his chest.
Detective Adil took a deep breath endeavoring to exempt him-self from the chaos. He never understood why people deemed such a crime scene as a very enticing view? He could smell an immense reek of blood, and disposing corpse. There were loud shrieks of lament all around by the relative of poor lad; it was indeed an appalling scene.
“Sir”, said the Photographer, “Detective Azan is here.”
Detective Adil gave a brief smile because he was glad to heed that his friend was here. Detective Azan was a very clever person: he had the power to the solve cases like Sherlock; he was one of those Detectives who had never failed to solve any case. Many people use to say that, Detective Adil envies Detective Azan but the fact was there was no other person in this world he admires as much as Detective Azan.
Detective Azan entered the room, clad in a black overcoat, with a formal white shit inside it, a red tie over it and also wearing black pants.
“How far have you reached?” asked Detective Azan, looking at Detective Adil.
“I have just stared”, said Detective Adil.
“Then let’s start together” said Detective Azan.
Detective Azan, gazed at the corpse that was few steps away from him. He took out his white gloves, and began to examine the body. He turned the body from prone position to supine position and saw a dagger stabbed right in the heart of the boy.
“Poor lad”, said Detective Adil, “It seem that the killer was a very strong man, or perhaps an adult.”
“Not perhaps; indeed an adult”, predicted Detective Azan, “you see it is not only the strength, but you also see that the hilt of the dagger is inclined towards the head of the lad, which also means that the killer stabbed the boy from behind, while his hand left hand on the mouth of the victim and used his right hand to act to commit this brutal act.”
Detective Azan looked at the all around the room, and gazed at the open door, and near to the door was a book shelf. He grasped the handle of the door and closed it.
“There”, stated Detective Azan, who had discovered mud on the carpet behind the door, “You see, Adil mud over here indicts that when the door is opened, and it comes in contact with his bookshelf it make a huge space in between, where even a man can hide himself.
He again looked all around the room and saw the window. He drew closer to the window, and saw mud on the windowsill.
“There”, said Detective Azan zealously, “the killer came from the window”
“So that explains a lot”, expressed Detective Adil, “but I can’t envisage why an adult will kill a poor teenager, it is such a disturbing thought. I mean if I get my hand on this monster, I will –“
“It not how one should deal with thing, Adil”, interrupted Detective Azan, “Over sins are never as strong as over freewill – if someone killed him there must be a reason, and we have to find the reason; we are not in seek of avenge. So I guess – what’s that sound?”
“It’s the laptop”, said Detective Adil, “it has been running all this time”
“Hmm,” said Detective Azan, as it he was thinking of something, “I assume we can certainly get some adamantine information from the computer he was indeed a teenager, his all life was his facebook account”
“I ponder, I should make some question from his family”, said Detective Adil, “they might –“
“His account is still running”, said Detective Azan, “…sure, sure go ask some question”
Detective Adil left the room, feeling disenchanted by the manner of Detective Azan, but this was the way his was; something more disenchanted for Detective Adil will be if he discovers something unexpected about him.
Out of the room everything was so blood curdling. People crying, morning, weeping and some of them were just lurking around. Detective Adil approached the man whom he knew as the father of the murdered boy.
“Excuse me, sir,” Detective Adil summoned the man, with a long beard, dark skin and wearing white salwar- kameez, “I offer my deepest sympathies on the death of your son, but we have to run an investigation in order to catch this monster, so I – “
“What’s the benefit of it you can’t bring my son back like that” said the father of the boy, barely production the sound from this throat; and began to cry.
A boy came forward, and took the man a side with him, then came back to Detective Adil.
“Yes, sir” said the boy, who also has a dark skin and was wearing white salwar-kameez, “how may I help you – I am the brother of the – victim”
“I am sorry for you loss”, said the Detective, “but we must act”
“I understand sir” claimed the bother of the victim
“Do you think that anything was stolen from the house?”
“No, sir, everything is as it was…except my younger brother”
“Do know anyone with whom the boy had any problems or any kind of antagonism with anyone?”
“Not at all, sir, you are asking about foe, he did not even had any friends”
“And the window;” asked Detective Adil, abruptly, “was it always open at night?”
“Yes, sir,” said the boy with a humble smile, “even the door is always open because my brother is afraid of darkness – my brother was afraid of darkness”. And with that remark, the boy started weeping.
Detective placed his hand the boy’s shoulder, trying to make the boy feel ease, and said, “We will try over best to catch this monster who killed your brother”

Detective Adil, went back to the room, and saw Detective Azan engaged in the laptop.
“Find anything.” asked Detective Adil.
“I have nearly solved the case.” said Detective Azan.
“What?” said Detective Adil
“Yes,” replied Detective Azan, Detective Adil, “this boy, his name was Rao Umar…”
Abruptly, Detective Adil realized his biggest err, that he had not asked the name of any one so far.
“…had an account on a website called ‘Goodreads.com’, where in a grope there was a story writing competition; he also participated, and wrote a story named ‘An Action within an Action’. Here read this story.
Detective Adil begin to read the story, “Detective Peter entered the crime scene… Beside was a dead body of the teenage boy... “Sir”, said the Photographer, “Detective Jones is here.”… “Then let’s start together” said Detective Jones…“Not perhaps; indeed an adult”, predicted Detective Jones…“There”, stated Detective Jones, who had discovered mud on the carpet behind the door…“There”, said Detective Jones zealously, “the killer came from the window”…“Over sins are never as strong as over freewill”…“We will try over best to catch this monster who killed your brother”…”
Detective Adil’s jaw dropped, with disbelief because (except the name) entire story was the same as their actions.
“How is that possible?” asked Detective Adil.
“I just don’t know,” said Detective Azan, “but I ponder that the killer is the person who read the story, and for some reason killed the boy”
“So who has read the story?” asked Detective Adil.
“You see, these people, who have written comments,” Replied Detective Azan, “Here are the names: Sohaib, Maria; Zenab, Alia; Owaiz, Xunaira, Arbaaz, Lara and Osama. It is possible that one of them can be the killer.
“Have you read the story till the end?” asked Detective Adil.
“No, I have not read the story,” replied Detective Azan, “but I am very much sure that one of the readers is the killer”

The case was extremely amusing for Detective Azan, but extremely annoying for Detective Adil, because their action reeling in other action – in another story. Detective Adil strongly felt that they should read the story thoroughly, but Detective Azan thought it was useless.
To solve this enigma, they both went to a well known computer expert, and asked him, if he could tell them the address of the people who wrote comments on, Rao Umar’s story.
“Sure, sir, it might be possible if I hack their accounts, and track their IP address, but it might take some time.” said the computer expert.
“We are all yours” said Detective Adil.
Detective Adil sat on one side of the computer expert, and Detective Azan sat on the other side.
“It seemed a very boring case at first,” remarked Detective Azan, “but it is rather very enticing case, because of this story.”
“This boy Rao Umar was always very fond of reading and writing stories.” began Detective Azan, “He had this great aspiration of becoming a writer, I guess he was never as good as he pretended to be.”
“Wow!” Detective Adil expressed his astonishment, “How do you know so much about the boy; you talked to his parents?”
“No!”
“Oh! You deduced it?”
“No, I am not Sherlock.”
“Then how?”
“I know the boy personally”
“WHAT?” said Detective Adil, with frowns.
“Yep!” said Detective Azan, “His father was a friend of my father that is why I took this boring case, otherwise you know me well”
“I doubt that.” said Detective Adil, still disenchanted by the manners of Detective Azan.
“Last time I met him he told about his new story” said Detective Azan, “but I never got time to read it”
“Mr. Azan, you never let go of yourself so easily; do you?”
“Indeed, I am not an easy person, I am rather complicated”
“Being complicated is just so easy – no – no – being complicated is a sin”
“Sin!” said Detective Azan, rubbing his face, with his hands, as if he was tired, “Over sin are not as strong as over freewill”
Detective Adil gave a brief smile, at his friend’s common slogan, which he normally uses to repeat; so he asked him, “Why do you say this sentence again and again, Mr.Azan?”
“In my youth,” said Detective Azan, without looking, “I use to be alcoholic, but when I realized it will destroy my life; I went to a Psychiatrist, who helped me for months. I still remember my last meeting with him. I told him that I am better – I feel exempt from my addiction, and he said that this shall be over last meeting. Just when I reached the door he called me and said, ‘Remember ignorance bliss – darkness is a choice, and light only comes by fortune, the time you don’t make a choice, is the time you don’t know who you are.’ and now it has been five years I am sober. You see, drinking was my sin, but it was not as luring – as strong as my freewill…this was one the worst part of my life that I don’t tell anyone; otherwise you know me well”
“I still doubt that” said Detective Adil, and turned to the computer expert, “How long will it take?”
“Just a bit more time, sir” said the computer expert. “I beg your pardon, sir, but I did you took any finger print?”
Detective Azan gave very wry look at the computer expert, as he did not admire the fact that a computer nerd was telling him what to do. Detective Azan opened his mouth to speck but was interrupted by Detective Adil.
“Indeed,” said Detective Adil, “we did everything possible, but it was of no use; that is why we came to you.”
“Sorry, sir I just asked out of curiosity” said the computer expert, as if he had realized the annoying look on the face of Detective Azan, “I am personally very fond of crime fiction literature; have you ever heard of Jack the Ripper”
“Yep!” said Detective Azan, “He was one loving person who use to make love to prostitute, deeply”
All three gentlemen laughed whole heartedly.

[Zenab]

“I have read that he was actually a butcher” exclaimed the computer expert, with his eye cling to computer screen.
“History, tells us many thing,” stated Detective Adil, “many of them are not even true, how do you know that such a man every existed”
“Ok!” said the computer expert, “but I think that BDK was not a myth, and similarly the very recent ‘Teen Terminator’, who killed twenty-seven teenager.”
“But there is a huge difference between, BDK and Teen Terminator”, said Detective Azan, “BDK was caught, but Teen Terminator was never caught.”
Detective Azan, gazed at the computer expert, expecting some response, but the computer expert did not moved his eye from the computer screen; suddenly, his jaw dropped.
“What happened?” asked Detective Adil.
“Sir,” said the computer expert with a peculiar disturbance in this tone, as if he was half astound, half disappointed, “you asked me to track nine people, but all of them have the same address”
“What is the address?” said both the Detectives impulsively.
The computer expert told them the address, which resulted in:
“WHAT?” said both the Detectives.
“That is the address where the murder took place” said Detective Azan.
There was silence for a while, but few seconds later the computer expert spoke up. “It might be astounding to see the result, but it can simply means that these people, Sohaib, Maria; Zenab, Alia; Owaiz, Xunaira, Arbaaz, Lara, Osama; these people don’t even exist. This boy, who died, created fake accounts from his home in order to get praise from them for his bogus stories…for a moment it might seem like something ingenious, but it also something very stupid.”
Detective Azan sat back, as if he was meditating on his own theory, which had thwarted him gruesomely, but dramatically something came to his mind.
“It is not essential that the people who have written comment are the only visitor of this page?” asked Detective Azan.
“Let me see”, said the computer expert and began to perform gesture on the computer, and after a few seconds he said, “Yes, sir, there is one more person, who visited this page.”
“Can you also tack his location?” interfered Detective Adil.
“Yes, sir, but it will take a great deal of time” said the computer expert.
“Then Detective Adil is all yours” said Detective Azan, rising up from his seat, as if he was going somewhere.
“You are leaving?” asked Detective Adil
“Yep, my wife is expecting me” answered Detective Azan
“But –“
“I am sorry, gentleman, ignorance bliss” said Detective Azan, and walked out.

Detective Azan went back home, and found his wife watch TV. He sat behind and her on a chair and took a deep breath in order to get his wife’s attention.
“Do you want dinner or you are fine without it?” asked Detective Azna’s wife, without look, in her usual churlish manner.
“A tea will be enough” said Detective Azna, and his wife walked out of the room.
He took out his Android mobile, and turned on his Goodread’s account. He had a new a new massage. He went in the inbox and saw a massage of one of his friend, but suddenly something got his eye. He had a massage from Rao Umar, that was two days old, which was actually, read, but he did not knew when he read it. He turned it on, and saw a massage:
“Hi! Uncle, please reads my new story”
And there was a link, he turned the link on in vagueness, and began to read the story ‘Action within and Action’. When he read the story till the end a horror took grasp of his heart because he knew who the killer was.

“How long will it take?” asked Detective Adil , from the computer expert.
“Just a wee bit more,” answered the computer expert.
After a few more clicks, he said, “Done sir”
“What’s the address then?” Detective Adil asked with eagerness.
The computer expert told him the address, and Detective Adil was horrified.
“How is that possible?” said Detective Adil
“Why, sir?”
“Because that is address of Mr. Azan’s house; check the time he visited this page?”
“Hmm…yesterday – also ten minutes ago”
“Impossible!” said Detective Adil, picking up his trilby hat, and walking out of the door.

Detective Adil approached the house and rang the bell. After a while, Mrs. Azna answered the door.
“Adil?” she said, “What happened?”
“There is some confusion, which – “
Before Detective Adil could conclude this sentence, they heard the sound of gun fire. They both ran swiftly toward the awful sound, and reached the bedroom, where they found Detective Azan lying on the floor, with blood oozing out of his forehead, and a pistol in his right hand.
Mrs. Azna wailed out.
Detective Adil stood by the door, with a blank face, aware what to do or say. He sat beside Detective Azan’s body, imparting sordid and bewildering expirations. Suddenly his eye fall upon a crimpled paper in the left hand of Detective Azan. He took it out of his feeble grasp and began to read:
“Dear Adil
“’The time you don’t make a choice, is the time you done know who you are’
“I assume, now I understand the meaning of these words. You might have learned by now, that I was the one who read the story of Rao Umar, but you what to know why I killed him?
Not deliberately, but I did killed the poor lad because his story spoke of my past, which woke up the devil inside me!
Adil, I was never an alcoholic, I was a monster who was known as, ‘Teen Terminator’! Yes, Mr. Adil, I killed all those twenty seven teenagers, because I was suffering from, Dissociative Identical Scenario. That is why I went to a Psychiatrist, who cured my madness. The day I read the story of Rao Umar, it unlatched the madness in me, because his character, Detective Jones was actually me; and unaware of my action I repeated same action, transcribed by Rao Umar.
“However, this was the last murder of ‘Teen Terminator’, so in order to conclude this madness, I have now eliminated myself, because I never had any freewill, I only had my sins following me, eating me and today they have terminated me.
P.S. That was one big secret, of my life otherwise you know me – you knew me well.”
“I doubt that”, Detective Adil, with his I eye full of tears.

[Mahnoor]

5/10
sorry, but there are a lot of typos, spelling and grammar mistakes and that was a bit distracting.I also have a few questions which weren't answered so...
Other than that, the story is definitely interesting. Its like a story within a story :P
And oh myy, I am a tad nervous... cuz you all @Maira, Zenab, Sohaib, Alia etc are REAL people right??? ;)

[Sameea]

A very entertaining story :-) but I agree with the previous review, there are quite a few grammatical errors, and a little too much going on all at once. 5/10

[Maira]

5/10
dont know what to say.....

[Danyal]

it gave me a good laugh. haha. thanks writer.

[Sohaib]

@Mahnoor who knows?? May be I am a ghost? ;P

Well i'll give it a 4.5... the deductions from myside was due to spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes and the conceptual mistakes within the story plot... for example "Rao Umar" could not have predicted the responses of the Detectives cause if he could then he would have been a clairvoyant and no such person has yet been identified :P

[Lara]

I must say that the grammar and spelling part is true but most of us know who the writer is, and I think these aspects have come a long way compared to last year's writing. I liked the way this story unfolded because it had a very vital ingredient which we call unpredictability. I mean I gasped as I saw goodreads in the story and then again as I saw myself appear, hoping that I wouldn't be the one responsible for the crime. It's unique, even though it needs polish. Sohaib, it's a story, clairvoyance is allowed.
6/10.

[Sohaib]

@Lara for me fiction needs reader to relate to it and thus it needs to be very near to truth or else a very powerful build up...

We do and yup agreed that the writer has come a long way but sorry I know that he/(she) has still a lot of untapped potential so am not taking it easy because of improvements...

@Writer I hope I am not discouraging you on the contrary I am trying to egg you on

[Neelum]

I do not have a problem with grammar as much as I do have with negligence. One can totally recheck their piece for TYPOS before sending it in even if they are not too strong grammatically. "massage" , I would not read an essay by my 9 year old student with a mistake this lazy!! I still don't understand if this was an attempt to fascinate some specific people or an actual serious submission. Sad.

2/10

[Faheem]

3.5/10 , i hope misspelling shirt wasn't intentional.

[Rao]

Sohaib wrote: "@Lara for me fiction needs reader to relate to it and thus it needs to be very near to truth or else a very powerful build up...

We do and yup agreed that the writer has come a long way but sorry ..."

No problem! Just because there somethings in life, that I could not achieve, does not make my existence meaningless :-D

[Rao]

Faheem wrote: "3.5/10 , i hope misspelling shirt wasn't intentional."

Thanks for telling me that about that "Shit" that I wrote, today I realize how careless I am. :-D