Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA Fantasy Query — please give feedback
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I remember reading your earlier version here: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/... How much has your new version changed from that one? Are any of the older elements still relevant?I think it's a really bad idea to start a blurb with 'life is boring.' BTW, 'endless' is nonsensical if they travel across it betwixt the building. Perhaps 'never changing' would get what you want. The blurb, as a whole, doesn't do much for me, beyond sounding an awful lot like Divergent. But I'm not your target demographic.
You've left out the comps and mentioning Luce at the end when s/he hasn't been mentioned in the blurb will only create confusion.
BTW, for a fantasy, even a YA one, 70K may be considered on the low end, not leaving enough room for world building.
I mean that’s a fair point I have no idea how to start a summary to make it interesting!The first sentence of the story is now: “They never left the school the same way twice.” Can I start the summary the same way?? Would that make it more intriguing?
I picked “endless” cause it’s like if you look in any direction that’s all you see it’s all empty grassy field except for the two buildings but yeah you have a point I can swap out that word.
Yeah the older stuff is all still relevant. This edit was about tightening things up and adding more like action and a faster pace sort of thing. Why was the old summary a lot better?? I can definitely use that one instead I was just trying (not necessarily succeeding) to improve upon it.
Wow you’re right it really does sound like Divergent from this description and it isn’t like that at all! It’s more like a quest/road trip story!
Ok is this one better?:Zoe knows nothing beyond two windowless single-story buildings and the endless grassy field surrounding them. A utopia, her community claims. Though with all its insufferable cliques, Zoe would beg to differ.
In a few short months, everyone in her class will be assigned to one of six jobs to keep their “utopia” running smoothly.
There’s only one job Zoe wants: guard. Every time her class travels the grassy field, they pass guards stationed along an invisible line, a tear in the universe. A tear which grows bigger by the year.
Zoe dreams of one day joining them to protect their universe from whatever is on the other side.
But competition for the coveted spot is fierce and a girl has never been chosen.
In a moment of opportunity and impulse, driven by a desperation to do something exciting before starting a miserable job, Zoe steals an artifact needle. She’ll sew closed the tears in the universe, she decides, despite sucking at sewing and having no idea how to get around the guard’s round-the-clock surveillance to even access the tear.
Undeterred by the odds, Zoe is determined, and good at winging it.
THE TEARS IN THE UNIVERSE is a 70,000 word YA Fantasy story that switches between Zoe’s point of view and that of her best and only friend Luce, who gets left behind when Zoe ventures beyond utopian limits.
Poor Luce is still left out in the cold. If, as you say, Luce splits POV with Zoe, then s/he really needs to be in the blurb.You mentioned earlier going for a light-hearted or comedic element, is that still the case? If so, you barely reach that in the last paragraph of the blurb.
I believe you should assume that people who look at your blurb are constantly thinking about moving on. Meaning, they might give your first sentence a go; if that is OK, then they'll read the second. Same with paragraphs. While your new opening sentence is less bad, I don't think it's at all exciting or enticing.
Then you follow with backstory. Yawn. The only paragraph that's interesting to me is the last. Consider instead this version:
Seventeen year old Zoe steals an artifact needle in a moment of opportunity and impulse. She’s driven by a desperation to do something exciting before starting a miserable job. In a few short months, everyone in her class will be assigned to one of six jobs to keep their “utopia” running smoothly. Though with all its insufferable cliques, Zoe would beg to differ on the description.
Zoe must find a way around the guards, but she’s always only wanted to be one, so has a lifetime of study to help her. The guards are stationed along an invisible line, a tear in the universe. A tear which grows bigger by the year.
She’ll use her needle to sew closed the tears in the universe. Except she sucks at sewing. And isn’t clear how to get around the guard’s round-the-clock surveillance to even access the tear.
Undeterred by the odds, Zoe is determined. And good at winging it.
Hi, Ashley. This version looks cleaner, but I believe you can still delete some parts to make it more succinct. For example, the first two paragraphs do a good job defining the main character and central conflict, but consider deleting the third paragraph because it reads like a plot summary that is not needed for a query letter. If an agent or editor is interested in the book, then they will ask for a summary of each chapter. Your goal in a query letter is just to hook them with a compelling letter. Consider revising the third paragraph so that it hints at what might happen if Zoe fails.I would also recommend revising the final paragraph so that it defines the target audience and other novels it is similar to. For example: "THE TEARS IN THE UNIVERSE is a 70,000 word YA novel that would appeal to fans of Divergent because..."
Hope that helps. Feel free to contact me if you have more questions. Best of luck!
Oh that sounds like a better way to start it! You’re right I keep getting bogged down with trying to explain the utopia but maybe that’s not as relevant to explain in the summary. Start with inciting incidence. Sounds obvious now that you said it. Gonna rework yours a little bit but I think that’s a much better framework than mine was!!!
Yeah I’m still having trouble squeezing Luce in because their viewpoints only split once Zoe leaves so that you get what’s happening back at the utopia since Zoe disappeared and then you have the What Zoe is actually doing. So even the Luce chapters are kind of centered around Zoe and what it’s like with Zoe being gone if that makes sense. Like Zoe is still the main focus.
Ok how about this:Zoe hates sewing. But that doesn’t stop her from impulsively stealing an artifact needle when the opportunity arises during a class trip.
She’s going to sew the tears in the universe closed, or so she declares to her best and only friend Luce. Despite being a master seamstress, Luce wants nothing to do with Zoe’s crazy plan, if one could call it that. Zoe never planned.
Undeterred, Zoe resolves to attempt her mission alone. This is her last chance to do something exciting before she’s assigned to one of five miserable jobs to keep the utopia they live in running smoothly. There’s a sixth option, one Zoe wants desperately, but no girl has ever been chosen to become a guard.
THE TEARS IN THE UNIVERSE is a 70,000 word YA Fantasy story that switches between Zoe and Luce’s point of view. The bold adventurer, and the one who’s left behind.
I think that works much better. Do you have comps for your latest version?Something to keep in mind is the amount of your blurb that a viewer can see when they browse your book on, say, Amazon. Something like 20 words or so and they have to click something to see the rest. Think if you want the first three words they see to be about someone hating something.
If the story from Luce's POV is still Zoe, then you might not need to bring that up at all and let the reader discover after they've started the book. Meaning, the POV is irrelevant if the main character is the same.
I’m not sure about comps cause I have Vampire Academy as my comp but the more I’ve read about comps people are like make it current or skip them and VA is like ten years old at this point I think. So idk if having an outdated comp is better than no comp at all??
How is this one? I cleaned it up a little and hopefully it’s the strongest of all the versions:
Zoe hates sewing. She sucks at it too. But that doesn’t deter her from impulsively stealing an artifact needle when the opportunity arises during a class trip.
She’s going to sew the tears in the universe closed, or so she declares to her best and only friend Luce.
This is her last chance to do something exciting before she’s assigned to one of five miserable jobs to keep the utopia they live in running smoothly. There’s a sixth option—one Zoe desperately wants—but no girl has ever been chosen to be a guard.
Armed with the artifact needle but not much else in terms of knowledge or skill about what she’d about to do, Zoe haphazardly begins her quest to sew closed the tears. Her journey takes her far beyond the utopian’s limits, into another world: present day New York City.
THE TEARS IN THE UNIVERSE is a 70,000 word YA Fantasy story that switches between Zoe and Luce’s point of view, juxtaposing the bold adventurer with the one who stayed behind.
Comps are supposed to be those that are fairly recent (10 years might be OK), sold well, but were not best sellers. Fun, eh?Since you only name Luce once, perhaps just call her 'best friend.' In both locations.
This version does feel strong to me. The humor is evident and the only thing you might want to add is an age. Even though it'll be marketed as YA, it never hurts to be clear in the blurb. Actually, 17 is moving into the NA territory.
Good luck!
Ashley wrote: "I’m not sure about comps cause I have Vampire Academy as my comp but the more I’ve read about comps people are like make it current or skip them and VA is like ten years old at this point I think. ..."I have two writer friends who have landed agents and who did not include ANY comps in their successful query letters.
Many agents say they are just looking for a good pitch and a compelling story. If comps help you make a good pitch and show you have a compelling story, then use them. If you don't have good comps, and the agent you're querying doesn't require them, then leave them out -- they likely will do more harm than good.
Thanks so much for all your help! I sent out a couple queries today! Fingers crossed!!!
Please let us know how it goes.Good luck!
Life is boring, at least to Zoe who knows nothing beyond two windowless single-story buildings and the endless grassy field used to travel between them. A utopia, their community is called. Though with all its insufferable cliques, Zoe would beg to differ.
In a few short months, everyone in her class will be assigned to one of six jobs to keep their utopia running smoothly.
There’s only one job Zoe wants: guard. Every time her class travels the grassy field, they pass guards stationed along an invisible tear in the universe. Zoe dreams of one day joining them.
But competition for the coveted spot is fierce and a girl has never been chosen.
In a moment of opportunity and impulse, driven by a desperation to do something exciting before starting a miserable job, Zoe steals an artifact needle. She self-imposes an impossible mission: sew closed the tears in their universe herself.
THE TEARS IN THE UNIVERSE is a 70,000 word YA Fantasy story that switches between Zoe’s point of view and that of her best and only friend Luce, who gets left behind when Zoe ventures beyond utopian limits.