Query help: YA science fiction

[Kayla]

Eighteen-year-old Mea Gwen is a 22nd-century dynasty kid (basically, she was born into a billionaire family). She has all the tools to thrive in a power-hungry society consumed by money, booze, and virtual realities. Too bad she couldn’t care less. She would rather join America’s first Intragalactic Pioneer Program and spend the rest of her life space.

But before she can reach the stars, Mea’s kidnapped by the Reformers, a terrorist group led by the creators of an annoyingly popular VR game. To prove that the elite aren’t untouchable, the Reformers force the richest of the rich to compete in their newest game, and the only way to survive is to win. Determined to get back home, Mea promises to do whatever it takes to reach the number one spot.

Soon Mea discovers that the game is only Level One toward their ultimate goal — authoritarian control of America. Their next step: starting a war that could kill millions. Now Mea can follow their rules to save herself, or she could risk her life stopping a plan that’ll break an already divided country.

A PAWN OF SEDITION is a 95,000-word Young Adult science fiction novel with culturally diverse characters. It delves into the issue of social and economic division and will appeal to fans of Warcross by Marie Lu and The Thousandth Floor series by Katherine McGee.

[Keith]

The way you start it out I was unsympathetic to Mea. I think if you basically reverse the first paragraph that would help.

I think the premise has potential, but didn't feel any excitement reading the blurb.

For me, the terrorists felt more like anarchists, so I was thrown by the notion of their goal being the creation of an authoritarian government.

I'm not sure 18 will qualify as YA and you might be better off targeting NA when you hit up agents/publishers.

Good luck!

[Shelly]

I have been told by many people to start with the last paragraph you have. Only one literary agent has told me to start with the character. I am confussed by your query but it may be bacause of my lack of interest in Sci-Fi books. Leave out the parenthesis in the first paragraph. If that is important, put it in without the punctuation. Couldn't care less to me means she does care. It's a double negative. I'd put that right in the beginning that she doesn't want to become a member of that society. That makes her different than many priviledged youth. Keep you sentences short. Shorter is usually less confussing and they read a lot of queries. I think you have a good premise that just needs to be tightened up in the query. Best of luck to you!

[Gemma]

I stumbled over the parenthesis. It took my two reads to figure out that by "dynasty kid" you mean "she's rich." Since this is a sci-fi book, I assumed that dynasty kid was a term for some sci-fi thing and it took me a moment to connect the term with billionaire family. This is a lot of words to say that I'd just keep things a little simpler, even if it does mean sacrificing some of the voice-y ness.

Overall I'd consider summarizing a little more. By the end of the first paragraph I'm thinking this will be a book about a girl trying to join a space program and then BAM there's terrorists and the main character is trapped in deadly game. It seems like the game is the most important part of the story so maybe try to get there faster? Something like, Mea doesn't care about her family's money or living the life of a socialite, she just want to join the space program. But when she's kidnapped...

Another thing I'm curious about, how much of your novel is in this query? Does Mea discover that terrorists are trying to take control of America in chapter 5? or chapter 25? if that only comes out later in the book, consider leaving it out in the query. In general the query should only cover Act 1 stuff and maybe hint at the climax.

You should add an author bio, even if its just, I live in CITY and I work as a WHATEVER. This is my first novel.

Podcasts hosted by literary agents and writers like Shipping & Handling and Print Run have been really helpful for me. And I've heard agents say they always want you to start a query with the character, and agents say they don't care whether you start with the character or with the data you have in the last paragraph. So this seems like the kind of thing that varies by agent. The best advice I heard is, if you have a really snappy line about your main character, start with the character. If not, consider starting with title, word count, and comps.

I've also heard that NA is really only a thing with romance novels. So I'd stick with YA.

I really liked the comps you used and the book sounds cool. Good luck!