Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA Fantasy Query (Feedback)
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Hi, Jeremy.I like how you clearly define the length and genre in the first paragraph, but consider including a stronger hook as well. In one or two sentences, introduce the protagonist, describe his main obstacle, and what would happen if he fails. I would also recommend including a sentence or two about the intended audience ("This book would appeal to fans of this other book or author because...").
Most of your query letter is summarizing the plot of your novel, but I would suggest removing one of those paragraphs and replacing it with a short paragraph about you and your publishing credentials (if you have any).
Remember that a query letter is supposed to tell an agent or editor what you have to offer and why it is different from other novels. Be sure to and include a good reason why you're writing to this agent or publisher instead of another.
Best of luck!
You don't really have a blurb, you have a summary. Summaries are boring and you need to excite the reader (no different than when someone picks up your book), so give them the best blurb you got.
Thank you both. Will work on a new one today to include a blurb, intended audience, and clean up the protagonist part. I would be a debut author, so I don't really have any credentials, so I'd appreciate any advice/examples on what to write for that part of the query or (as others have told me) focus more on the pitch/story.
The point of the query is to get a request for your manuscript. Anything that helps is good, everything else is bad. The problem is knowing what's what. If you look at 'successful' queries (meaning they triggered an MS request), they have little in common. And you only need to be successful once. Thus, there's a whole lot of guess work on what will work.That being said, a decent agent gets 100-500 of these each week, which they have to read in addition to any MSs they request, AND in addition to their regular job representing their authors. So figure you have around 10 seconds to interest them in reading more. I estimate I read around 10K/hr, which translates to around 2.8 words/sec, so in 10 seconds I'd read less than 30 words before beginning the decision processes on whether to continue reading or delete (so you know, no answer means 'no'). You need to hook them fast enough so they'll at least read your whole query (suggested to be no more than 350 words, or, in my case, around two minutes) so they can decide if they want to request (and thus read) your MS.
They're looking for reasons to say no. Give them as few as you can.
It's okay if you don't have any published credentials yet, but don't mention that you're a first-time writer in your query letter. You can include a personal anecdote that's relevant to the novel or summarize any relevant experience you have to the subject. If you really don't have anything to say about yourself, then skip it and simply thank the agent or editor for their time. The point is to focus on writing an awesome pitch that will hook the agent or editor. Feel free to message me if you would like more help.
I think you have a cool idea! But right now we don't get a good idea of the plot. Try to focus on what the character wants, what stops him from getting there, and how he pushes through. In the third paragraph you make a list (the face hippos, etc). You don't want to have that random laundry list there because as a reader, it doesn't do anything for me to understand what's going on. As of now, it seems like more world building and background info than actual plot. I want to know more about what happens.
Dear [Agent],
ELEMENTAL KINGDOM: HEART OF LIONS is a young adult fantasy complete at 78,000 words. Set in East Africa, this story introduces a world within our own where human spirits serve as guardians to animals.
After a plane crash, John Ridley, an anti-social young man alienated from his family, finds himself in endless African plains next to a man and a lion. The stranger named Dak informs John he has transformed into an elemental lion. John, like Dak, must now live life through his lion in a world where spirits guard their animals.
John meets Dak’s family, the strongest lions in the territory—the Kagiso Pride. Sarai, the oldest spirit of seven daughters, shows John how to survive the Serengeti as a lion. Together, they face rampaging hippos, a crocodile gang, and even a rival lion.
Just when John becomes more comfortable, the pride discovers a poacher on their lands. This deadly hunter is half-man, half-elemental. He can see other spirits with his own eyes, making it easier for him to kill elemental animals. John must find his place in this new life to help the pride in the fight to stop the sinister poacher from plunging Tanzania’s Elemental Kingdom into extinction.
ELEMENTAL KINGDOM: HEART OF LIONS is a stand-alone book with series potential following the Kagiso Pride’s journey. The manuscript is complete and available upon your request.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Jeremy J. Hayes
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