decaf was all i could find

[cнy]

So, first post. I hate to be one of those people who immediately starts off complaining but... I'm going to. Because, you see, I have a problem and I want to vent. It's the reason I finally joined this group I've thought about joining for probably a year or two. I just never thought my thread would get noticed or be cared about but at the moment, I couldn't care less. I'm hurting and, again, I want to vent. Feel free to comment if you wish. I want to say everything is welcome but let's be honest, not everything is. Just please be nice if you're going to criticize me.

So, this is the part where I finally start complaining.
I have a boyfriend. Hopefully he won't see this. He shouldn't, he's never on here but who knows? Anyway, he's got this sister who is significantly younger than him. He's going to be 22 soon and she's 3. He adores her. It's sweet, for the most part. I can tell he will be a good dad. But...here's the thing. His relationship with her is...unhealthy, to say the least. I find myself jealous of her at times. It's not normal and I know it's not me. My friends and family have all agreed his behavior isn't normal.

I like to think I'm sweet. So yeah, his birthday is coming up and I want to make him something really sweet. Well, my texts to him are lagging and he asks why. It's pretty normal for us to text constantly when we aren't together so it's understandable when he notices me taking a little longer to reply. I mention how I'm doing something for his birthday, making something. We end up talking about what day we want to celebrate that. I ask him to pick a day but he wants me to. So, I tell him that if I have to choose, I choose his birthday. He says no. That day is for his sister. That's what he tells me. It's not that it's for his family since we don't live in the same town but an hour from each other. No, he specifically mentions his sister and doesn't say I can join. It's weird, right?

On my birthday, yeah, I want to see my family and friends. But mostly, I want to see him. It's not weird. That's part of what love is, wanting to be together. It's my birthday, the one day where I get to do exactly what I want. What I want is to see him. Is that his wish? No, I can have another day but not his birthday. He doesn't want to see me that day, he wants to see his little sister. He didn't even say I could come by later on after he has spent however long with her. It's just that day is for her. Is it her birthday? No. And I get it, it's not my birthday either but really? He's choosing his baby sister over me when he gets to see her darn near every day and not me? He sees me maybe once a week at most since neither of us has a car and we have to take the train to see each other. It can get a tad expensive. But still. He sees her way more than he sees me. And he chooses her over me? It wouldn't be so bad if he said he wanted to spend it with his family. I'd be okay with that. I wouldn't be upset at all. That's his family. But again, he specifically said his little sister.

It's other things like that, when he chooses his sister over me. I've been with him at his place and he will choose to pay attention to her and not me. I won't even be in the room anymore and he won't notice for awhile. He's too caught up in her. If something happens to her, he has to take care of it, not let his parents. I could be standing right there and he will be the one to comfort her over a bad dream instead of letting his parents. That wouldn't be a problem, of course, if it happened sometimes. But it's every single time. He chooses her over and over again. He has admitted that she is his absolute favorite person. But he's mine. It hurts, actually. It really does. I feel like no matter what, he will always choose her over me. We could get married and his little sister would still be more important than me. I wouldn't be surprised if someone verbally attacked me one day and I was talking to him about it and needing him but his sister had a bad dream and he made me wait while he comforted her.

There have been other times, too, when he would make me wait while he went and did something for her. We have been out on dates and he makes it a point to look for something to bring back for his sister. Does he ever look for something to bring back to me? No. She gets his attention whenever she wants it. I have to wait. I'm always second to her. I hate it. Can I talk to him about it? No. He just gets defensive and says that he's willing to move to a different state for me. But you want to know what's wrong with that? The fact that he mentions he's willing to leave his family behind, even his sister. What I mean is, he says he's willing to leave his family and then specifically points out that he's willing to leave his sister as well. He puts emphasis on leaving his sister behind too. That's not okay. I mean, if the situation were reversed and I said I was willing to leave my brother behind in the same manner, my boyfriend would question me about it. He would say that wasn't healthy and that it was weird. But would he see that? Of course not.

So I don't know what to do. I know I need to talk to him and just see what happens. He needs to look at how he treats his sister and see how different it is than how other brothers treat their little sisters, even if they do love them very much. He acts like her father and that's not his place. She has a very loving mother and father who do that. He needs to be her brother. It's just not okay.

That's my problem right now. That's my complaint. Do what you wish with that, I suppose. Tell me what you think, if you want. I promise I don't bite (:

[cнy]

Well, I figured I should say a little about myself. So here goes.
If you like A Day to Remember, you might recognize the title of this thread. I love this band. According to Spotify, I listened to them for 446 hours in the last year. Does that qualify as obsessed? They might just be my favorite band.
My favorite color is blue, if I'm being basic about it. But, if you really want to know, I like a deep blue that has some grey in it. Slate blue, I guess it's called.
Another thing, I guess most Americans spell it as gray? Yeah, I prefer it with an e. Grey. Yep.
I don't think I'm funny but I make people laugh sometimes. It's usually on accident. I just say something and everyone laughs so... I guess that makes me funny? I dunno.
Giraffes are my favorite animal. Don't ask me why cuz I have no clue. I just love them. I can tell you a good amount about them. I also fed two on birthday once. It was the best birthday ever.
I'm 22 but I'll be 23 in half a year. I love having a summer birthday but it can get really hot where I live.
I love my boyfriend.
I love making coffee and I really do want to do that for a living. I'd like to own my own coffee shop but we will see how far I get.
I am a writer but I my best work is reserved for my closest friends. Maybe that will change one day.
I love dystopian books. I am obsessed with the Maze Runner, both the books and movies. I guess you could say I'm also obsessed with Dylan O'Brien. Just a little?
I love baseball, especially the Pirates but I'm not from Pittsburg. I find it annoying that people assume I'm from there just cuz I love the team. I'm not someone who likes something specific to my hometown or state.
I love and am completely obsessed with Teen Wolf. In my opinion, it's the best show ever. However, the Flash is a close second and Riverdale is somewhere behind that. For now.
Coke is okay but Pepsi is a lame knockoff like how Mr. Pibb is for Dr. Pepper.
I'm a people pleaser.
I'm an introvert. An INFP to be exact, if you know or care about that.
I am a Christian and I take my faith and beliefs seriously.
I'm stubborn so watch out.
I want to move to where its green and beautiful and rains a lot. I love the rain. I could sit and watch it for hours.
A sloth is my spirit animal.
Procrastination is my middle name.

So yeah, that's me. Not that any of you really wanted to know that much about me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[cнy]

I want to escape my life, maybe be someone new? I dunno. I want to take certain aspects of my current life with me but that's it. I want to change everything else. maybe then I will be happy?

my mom thinks I'm depressed. maybe she's right. I just need my life to move forward, for it to finally get started. I thought it had a year ago, really started moving forward. but here I am again, at a halt. what am I doing? what am I supposed to do? I feel lost. I feel like a failure. I hate this life...

[cнy]

Is it bad that I'm listening to a bunch of short books, like novellas, so that I look like a huge overachiever for my reading challenge?

[cнy]

To be fair, my challenge is only ten books but... I knew I'd have a busy year and I really did. I barely read anything besides the books I had to for school until recently so...

[cнy]

did you know that for awhile there, I felt like I was the person everyone goes to with all of their problems? I would just sit and listen, be there for them, maybe even encourage them. but now, I still do that but not as much. I feel like all I do is complain lately. I blame my mom. I wasn't such a complainer until she developed the bad habit herself and came home every single day to complain about work. this happened for years and I started picking up on it. but that leads me to feeling like a burden to people. like what, I can't talk about anything besides recent arguments with both my mom and my boyfriend? I've got almost nothing going on in life, though, so I suppose that's all I have right now. it sucks. I don't want to be someone who just complains. I want to be someone who you never hear complaining about a single thing. smile and bear it.

for class several months ago, I was asked to make the cover of a book about my life. I colored it yellow with a big smiley face, kinda like that old school Walmart smiley. yeah. it was titled smiling through it. I named it that because I smile at everything, despite how I'm really feeling. something funny happened? I smile. I'm super uncomfortable with all attention on me? I just smile. something bad happens? I smile. I can't help it. I even get told someone I know has cancer or someone died and I smile. horrible, right? but I don't mean it. I just smile. it's my body's natural defense against everything. kinda sucks. it sends the wrong message. I'm not happy. I just smile a lot. sounds like an oxymoron.

[cнy]

also, I'm starving and it's nearly 2am

[cнy]

update. my boyfriend sucks.

[cнy]

I am going to explain my last comment.
somehow, I offended my boyfriend. not really sure how but with the added distance we've had that we aren't used to, he's become sorta sensitive and tends to take offense to things I don't mean against him. (he's five hours away and has been for the last couple of months but will be coming home this weekend. that would put him at just an hour away and much easier to see him) so he needed some time to cool off. that's understandable. but he didn't want me to text him. I told him I would keep texting him until he himself stopped. because if he doesn't want to text me, why should I be the one that has to stop? he's perfectly capable of saying he won't reply. but he wanted to push it off on me and make me seem like the bad one who never responded. he finally stopped replying. that was three days ago. he hasn't said a word to me but he's looked at my Instagram story. it just bugs the crap out of me because he says he loves me but then I somehow offended so badly that he ignores me for three days? who knows when he will actually speak to me. and now, I'm actually wondering if I need to prepare myself for a break up. because if he keeps refusing to talk to me, is there any point in keeping the relationship going? he needs to talk to me. there's no relationship if we aren't talking. so I'm frustrated and hurt and when he does reply, I really just want to lash out and tell him not to come over for Christmas Eve as well turn around and ignore him for the same length of time. except that I know that's not loving and well, one of us has to be the bigger person, right? ugh. I just... I don't know. part of me hopes he does wait a little longer to say anything. and then I'll just tell him I can't deal with this and he will have to wait until after the holidays because I'm not going to let this bring me down and ruin Christmas for me. I don't want to fight on Christmas. it would just be easier to not speak at all until after, fight it out, and then work it out. the problem is that it's already getting me down. my mom thinks I'm depressed. it wasn't until getting ignored by my boyfriend that I realized I probably am. I will sleep for 12 or more hours a day, only eat one meal, be sad. I'll even forget things and I'm usually pretty good at remembering things. I hear those are all symptoms of depression. so that's fun. he's making me depressed and I dunno, that's not very healthy. I don't want to lose him, though. he's my best friend and I love him. but this is killing me and his timing for this crap is horrible. so yeah, that's why he sucks. I don't even know how I offended him or why he got so offended. uuuuggggghhhhh....

[cнy]

and you know, the sucky thing is that while he's over there ignoring me, I'm still trying to be sweet and finish his very sweet birthday present I was hand making and I even made an origami plant, like the full thing, pot and stem and leaves for the orchid, for his mom when I see her next. I'm over here trying to be a good and sweet girlfriend and he's over there, mad at me for some unknown reason.

[cнy]

I really do hate my life.

[cнy]

sorry for all of my complaining >.<

[cнy]

update. life really freaking sucks. but I'm sure most of you already know that.

in case y'all can't tell, I've had a horrible day

[cнy]

happy update. I have an absolutely amazing friend who really cheered me up tonight.

[cнy]

I saw my boyfriend on Christmas, something I really wasn't expecting. it was nice, really nice. his mom gave me a Christmas present, which was sweet. but he's back home now, just an hour away. I'm excited because it means I get to see him more. we don't have to drive 5 hours just to see each other. I miss him. our relationship has changed. I don't know when or how but it has and I miss the way it was. maybe it's just cuz we're out of the honeymoon phase. don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to have him. but we used to never fight and just be a cute couple. sigh. but I have him. that's the good thing. and I think it'll get better now that we're closer.

[cнy]

so I got my permit. turns out, I really love driving. my friend took my driving like two days after I got my permit and literally had me drive all over town. it was so much more fun than I could have anticipated. oh, and I actually have some hours at work coming up, which means I'll get money again. so that's also good. I also got to see one of my childhood close friends over New Years. life's pretty good, the only downsides being that I don't currently have money and my boyfriend started a fight with me last night. so that's grand. but other than that, I'm doing pretty good ^•^

[cнy]

oh, by the way, that said friend is really brave cuz she took me over a super windy road that's sorts on a cliff and she wasn't worried at all. super brave

[Deepthi]

I love your Journal's name!!! :)

How're you? :)

[cнy]

Thanks! Do you listen to A Day to Remember??

I'm doing pretty good. I'm about to go get some yummy donuts with my mom ^•^ how are you?

[Deepthi]

:)
Nope... I hadn't heard of it before...

Yummy! Enjoy :)
I'm also good :)

[cнy]

They're a really good band! They're more on the hard side so if you like music that's more pop or country, you may not like them haha but I love them ^•^ but I got my journal's name from one of their songs

And it was very good! We also got some coffee from a local coffee shop so that was awesome. I'm glad you're good! (:

[cнy]

update. I just got two CDs from A Day to Remember and I am so happy right now. The CDs are in really good condition for being used, too. One case has a small crack, nothing to be worried about. But both CDs themselves look brand new xD literally, today has been such a good day and it's not even noon for me yet

[cнy]

do you ever look back on a particularly challenging time in your life and wish you could do things differently? and I don't mean make different choices so that your life ended up better during that time. what I mean is maybe standing up for yourself a little more, explaining yourself a little better, apologizing a little more. I wish I had done that last year. it was tough and I wish, knowing what I do about the people I had a hard time with, that I could go back and do things a little differently. of course, maybe it wouldn't actually help me. I probably would have come off as more defiant than I meant to. but then again, maybe if I had stood up for myself a little more, demanded a little more respect as a human being who was learning, it would have turned out better

[cнy]

I'm thinking about this one time I was at work. we had a shift lead who wouldn't be there so he put someone in charge. I thought it would have been me. not because I had been there the longest or because I was the oldest. I wasn't even the oldest. but I expected it because I had a better work ethic than the girl who was put in charge in his stead. I was a little hurt but not a lot. so I joked with her. I don't even remember the joke anymore but she's rather sensitive and I wasn't thinking about that. she got upset. she didn't bother to face me herself. but at least she didn't go to my RA about it. however, the shift lead who wouldn't be there, he and I were pretty good friends. so I definitely teased him and asked why he didn't put me in charge. it was all in jest. he's not very confrontational so he ended up talking to a higher up boss of ours about it instead of coming to me. and it wasn't to get me in trouble. he wasn't happy, the higher up noticed and asked what was wrong and he explained. so anyway, the girl in charge instead of me got hurt on the job. she had to go to the hospital. later, when she got back with our RA, the RA decided to talk to me about it. she said I had no right to question the guy and I wasn't even the next person in line to be in charge. keep in mind that the guy is my age and the girl is older than both of us. so it's not even by age. but whatever. I just wish I had explained myself better, stopped my RA right off the bat and said I was joking and I would happily apologize. the funny thing was, my RA said the girl had been there a lot longer than I had been. try one weekend in January, one weekend in February, and one summer. so basically, a little over two months more than me. that's not a lot.

[cнy]

but you see, I've grown a lot in that year. I think if those same things that challenged me before happened again, I'd be able to stand up for myself better and not let them treat me like I child. not that I necessarily had been in that instance. I wasn't. but most every other challenging thing, I was treated like a child who refused to do what they wanted. it sucked. by the end, it was a lot better. I just wish I could have learned the lessons I needed to without the trials. but alas, that is not how life works

[Deepthi]

cнy › ᶠᵉᵃʳ ᵐᵃᵏᵉˢ ᵗʰᵉ ʷᵒˡᶠ ᵇᶤᵍᵍᵉʳ ᵗʰᵃᶰ ʰᵉ ᶤˢ wrote: "They're a really good band! They're more on the hard side so if you like music that's more pop or country, you may not like them haha but I love them ^•^ but I got my journal's name from one of the..."

That's nice... I'll check them out :)
To be honest, I'm more of a K-Pop fan xD

:D

[cнy]

Ooh, you may not like them haha but still worth checking them out! (:

[cнy]

it's pretty funny how many people care more about what they want than including everyone. even when it means excluding a friend, they don't care and will still fight for what they want. it's quite sad.

[Deepthi]

True...

[Rumell]

*casts my stone*

[Rumell]

The title was tempting.

[cнy]

Apurva wrote: "I can definitely relate.... I've been left out once."

Yes, so have I, unfortunately. It bugs, of course, but it bugs me much more when it's a friend who is constantly pushed around in the name of "joking" by another so-called friend. And now that I actually have the courage to stand up to that so-called friend, it ends up all in vain /: C’est la vie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[cнy]

Rumell wrote: "The title was tempting."

Ha! That's great! xD

[[deleted user]]

Can I just say that everything you mentioned is not complaining? Your just genuinely concerned for your boyfriend which is quite respectful.

[cнy]

Thank you, Trey, I really appreciate that (:

[[deleted user]]

Has the situation gotten better at all since then?

[cнy]

Well, he's back home but he still lives an hour away from me. I got to see him Christmas day but we only had lunch with his family and then they went home. I haven't seen him since then because neither of us has a car so we'd have to take the train. We don't have much money either. He's about to start a job and I'm still searching for one. So we haven't really been able to get together so I can talk to him about the things I need to, unfortunately. However, currently, we seem to be good. We aren't arguing and I'm very grateful for that. All I can hope for is that it continues.

[[deleted user]]

I have the ultimate faith in the both of you to have a great relationship. I'm sure you'll be fine and I'm just glad as bad as the situation seems to be (no car, money, different job circumstances) you guys are cool. Thats awesome!

[cнy]

Thank you! Yeah, I mean, we're definitely working towards being together and I think we're just out of that honeymoon stage. He's my first real boyfriend and people assure me it's normal to argue haha it just all matters whether or not we work things out and don't give up.

[cнy]

well. I just fished watching the boy in the striped pajamas for the first time. all I can say is...wow....

[[deleted user]]

ooohh, i'm gonna be honest and just say it......the boy in the striped pajamas made me cry for the rest of the night and my younger bros and sis didn't flinch at all during the movie

[cнy]

That's honestly so sad... I did cry but I held back a lot because I hate crying. It seemed like such a good story, like something good might come out of their friendship... I was so so wrong. I do love that time period and that's my favorite war, which honestly sounds so bad, saying I have a favorite time when lots of people died... Not how I meant it... But yeah, it's the most interesting to me. Anyway, I knew what was going on in those camps because I always paid more attention to that time and even went to a museum all about it once... Very very heartbreaking for sure...

[[deleted user]]

I thought something good would too but yeah we were wrong. And nah, nothing wrong about that. Its your favorite event. Like the tragedy of the Titanic is my favorite since I love the ship itself and I love architectural wonders. But the whole tragedy sucks and alot of people died too. So I understand and yeah, WWII, I have some knowledge of it and whatnot, did you read Anne Frank? But in the end, heartbreaking indeed.

[cнy]

Well, at least I'm not alone haha but no, I haven't read that... It used to be a requirement for school and I watched my brother struggle through reading it, though, not so much from what took place. Of course, my brother feels deeply for people so I know it played a part but I never picked it up myself after seeing him try and read it. At the school I went to, they stopped having it required but my teacher did play parts of the movie for us. Yes, quite heartbreaking. I love that era but it's all so sad. There's just something about it. But I'm not drawn to it because of the tragedy, though, I fear I am quite bad at explaining why I like things so I probably shouldn't even try haha

I also fear that I am watching too much of the Originals. Elijah is my favorite but he is quite proper in almost every way and I find myself somewhat trying to talk like him O.o

[cнy]

Some days I feel like a saint, I'm so alive
Some days I can't make any moves
It's like I have no spine
Can't do anything right
And when midnight comes, I've run out of time to
Make some kind of difference
But I realize I constantly overlook the impact I've made
Maybe I'm longing to change my own face
To make you proud, I wanna make you proud
When you're looking down on me

disappear (remember when) - issues

[cнy]

in other news, it's crazy windy tonight. like dang...

[[deleted user]]

Cloudy for us and rainy the whole week

[cнy]

I'm jealous. It's rained a little bit here but I wish it would rain so much more

[[deleted user]]

I'm in Las Vegas so trust me this is rare

[cнy]

Oh, man, I believe it haha I live in the desert too, so you know...