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Writers Workshop > Ears here, ears there, ears everywhere! And earlobes!

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message 1: by Haru (new)

Haru Ichiban | 255 comments Going on the final stages of my second book's edition, and having committed this mistake before, I always look out for repeating words. To my glee (not) I found a little passage with tons of ears, ears and ears. And earlobes.
What do you do when you get to use words that have no clear synonym or description? For an erotica writer, there are plenty: lips. Ears. Fingers. Hands. Earlobes!
Here is the excerpt I'm talking about (I am allowed to post excerpts here, right?) It is the middle of a long erotic game, but I think it's still under kids not at bed time.

I move my hair behind my ears. “I want you to, you know, stimulate my ears. I think you only did this once.”
“Hmm…” still on his knees, he moves behind me, delicately holding my hair away from my left ear. “You have such lovely ears… Such a beautiful form and fleshy earlobes,” I yelp as he takes my earlobe in his mouth and softly pulls it. “But ever since you graduated from Law Academy you’ve kept them hidden by your hair, so they are kind of forgotten.”
His lips are on my earlobe again, softly sliding down it. He takes it in his mouth again and starts sucking it.
“Feels… so good…”
He then moves up and starts kissing the outer rim of my ear, trailing all the way to my earlobe again. “You never wear earrings or draw attention to them in any way, so yeah.” He moves to my right ear and starts massaging my earlobe with his lips, slowly trailing up all the outer rim. As a finishing touch, he gives a tiny nip below each of my ears, which elicits a high-pitched moan from me.


Does it read as annoying? If so, can you think of a way to cut down on the use of the "ear" and "earlobe" words?


message 2: by Frank (new)

Frank Garland | 10 comments I like it. Just do ears all the way. Make it a kink. An obsession. "I move my hair behind my ears" could be changed to pulling the hair up or back, or sweeping it or tossing it in some way which reveals the ears and then they get focussed upon, but to do that at the risk of removing the kink?


message 3: by Tomas, Wandering dreamer (new)

Tomas Grizzly | 694 comments Mod
This is definitely a tricky situation. If it's a body part that has multiple synonyms, it turns into way too far flowery language. When it comes to ears (or any other body part with minimal/no synonyms)... well, damn.
Taking a shot on the first two parts. Taking this:
I move my hair behind my ears. “I want you to, you know, stimulate my ears. I think you only did this once.”
And turning it into something like:
"I want you to, you know, stimulate my ears." My hands push my hair aside, revealing them. "I think you only did this once."
Then
“Hmm…” still on his knees, he moves behind me, delicately holding my hair away from my left ear. “You have such lovely ears… Such a beautiful form and fleshy earlobes,”
into something like:
“Hmm…” still on his knees, he moves behind me, delicately holding my hair away from my left ear. “They are so lovely, with a beautiful form and fleshy earlobes,”
Try to play with the sentence structure in this way, that's the only idea coming to my mind. Let's hope more people will have some ideas.


message 4: by Haru (new)

Haru Ichiban | 255 comments Thank you very much, Frank and Tomas! Yeah, I don't think there's an easy way to improve this one... I'll try changing that first sentence, but the rest...


message 5: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (last edited Dec 02, 2018 10:43PM) (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4310 comments Mod
Haru wrote: "Here is the excerpt I'm talking about (I am allowed to post excerpts here, right?) "

If you're looking for critiques / help with your writing, yes.

And this is overkill. We get that he's kissing her ears. Suggested edit:

I tuck my hair aside. “I want you to, you know, stimulate my ears. I think you only did this once.”

“Hmm…” still on his knees, he moves behind me, delicately holding my hair away from my left ear. “They're so lovely… Such a beautiful form and fleshy.” I yelp as he takes my lobe in his mouth and softly pulls it. “But ever since you graduated from Law Academy you’ve kept them hidden, so they are kind of forgotten.”

His lips are soft and sliding. He takes it between his lips and starts sucking.

“Feels… so good…”

He moves up and kisses the scapha and helix, trailing all the way to my lobula again. “You never wear earrings or draw attention to them in any way, so yeah.” He moves to my right side and massages my lobe with his lips, slowly trailing up the outer rim. As a finishing touch, he gives a tiny nip below each of my ears, which elicits a high-pitched moan from me.


NOTE: You have a comma between "fleshy earlobes" and "I yelp". It should be a period. Also, moans are not high-pitched.


message 6: by Haru (new)

Haru Ichiban | 255 comments Thank you, Dwayne! I guess replacing "earlobes" with "lobes" should work. And thank you very much for pointing out that mistake. I'll see if there's more of them in my last revision. Punctuation marks is definitely one of my weakest points.

Now... "scapha" and "helix" is starting to sound more like an anatomy book than an erotic story...
Oh yeah, and I meant "high-pitched" as in "a very acute sound", like an "eek..."


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