Using real names in memoirs and contacting characters before publishing?

[Cory]

I am curious to hear what fellow memoir writers think about this topic. I am in the editing stages of my first book and the story contains memories about my father and about some ex-relationships. The story will certainly be controversial for those that know my father and ex-partners.

Here are my questions:

1. Should I change the (first) names of the people I write about in the book? On one hand, people that know me will know that I changed the names. On the other hand, it wouldn't matter for the majority of the people that read the book.

2. If I do use their real (first) name, could any legal action be taken against me because they are upset at what I write as the facts?

3. Last, prior to the publication, what are your thoughts on notifying people that are related to my father (my aunts and cousins that I still have a relationship with) to give them a heads up that the book I am publishing will contain writing that may shock/upset them but is meant for self-healing?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts. It is a tricky situation but I am curious to know what other writers have done in the past about this topic.

[K.A.]

Hello. I wrote a story of how I got sick from stress and there were many people along the way who triggered a lot of this stress. Mainly my father and his wife. I changed the names of the not-so-innocent but left others unchanged. I contacted my closest relatives like my mother and my brothers to warn them about what was coming out. The rest: aunts, cousins etc. I just left them to come up with their own conclusions.

It takes courage to write about your own life and it is scary but I always tell myself that this is MY story, not theirs. And mine was also for healing and for helping others in a similar situation. My intentions are not to hurt but to heal and to help others. Knowing these things makes me feel at peace with it.

Remember Anne Lamott's words: "Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

[Mike]

People can always sue for libel, but won't win if you can show it's true. Of course the Orange Cheetoh in the White House has been pushing for a change to the libel laws so he can persecute his critics, so, there is always legislative risk.
In my memoir, which is about managing caregiving in light of today's crumbling healthcare environment I kept the personal characters' names intact. Can't really hide who your mom and dad are, etc. I tended to alter the names of Dr.s, nurses, etc. because my story is my experience and they all have patients who experience them differently and I have no desire to hurt their practices, or cause their patients to doubt them.
The person who comes out the worst in my story is my older brother who I had a strained relationship with, and now have none. I have talked to his children, my niece and nephew and given them a heads up that their father's flaws are spotlighted in several scenes in the book. Since they live through it, they know what happened, but I want them to just be prepared when it comes out.

[Pamela]

Thank you Cory for raising this question and to K.A. and Mike for sharing your thoughts and experience. I am approaching a section in the biography I am writing (not my story but someone I was close to) that will be challenging to write. some people and their relatives are still around today. I have tried making contact with them and they won't speak to me. I can only tell the side of the story I have heard and if they don't want to tell their side I have to take the approach it is their missed opportunity not mine.

[T.R.]

Pamela wrote: "Thank you Cory for raising this question and to K.A. and Mike for sharing your thoughts and experience. I am approaching a section in the biography I am writing (not my story but someone I was clos..."

This is always a risky area Pamela. As you know, in my own memoirs and biographical works, I, more for the protection of others than the fear of legislation (though I would not put that pass some of them), chose to change or omit names and ensure people could not be identified from any descriptions. It is a shame people will not talk to you (as you say it to large extent is their loss). Nevertheless, be careful. Even if you are able to prove the truth of statements the stress, hassle and cost of a court case is not desirable.

[Pamela]

T.R. wrote: "Pamela wrote: "Thank you Cory for raising this question and to K.A. and Mike for sharing your thoughts and experience. I am approaching a section in the biography I am writing (not my story but som..."

Yes, I do need to be careful. I will need to carefully consider how I word things. In some cases they are facts that need to be included or the biography will be incomplete and leave questions in the readers mind. Fortunately I have some way to go before I reach that point so plenty of time to mull things over.

[Richard]

I should have added this is my opinion only. If it makes sense, great.

1) Changing first names is not sufficient. The characters would have to be so different so as to be unrecognizable as anyone in particular. Sometimes if a number of characters do the same basic thing they can be combined into a composite character.

2) Even if you butcher your characters so much they can't even be identified through dental records, someone could still sue. Question is, sue for what? Since it costs money for lawyers, they'd have to have some certainty of winning, and as our president has known for a long time, it's not that easy to win. ;)

3) Why? It's your book. Are you concerned you may endanger your relationship with these people? If they're going to get pissed about it, they're not going to care the reason for it, self-healing or otherwise. But some people get more angry at not being told. So, inform whom you wish but expect the worst and stick to your guns no matter what. You could also test to see what they know. Maybe they already know all or most of what you're writing about? If not, just be sure you are fair to the characters.

My first draft memoir was written in anger, and I said some characters were a**holes, etc. As time when by I let the characters demonstrate they were a**holes (show don't tell), but through enough revisions I also came to understand I was not exactly the innocent victim always. More to the point, I'm no longer steering their characterization - they are, so there's really nothing for them to complain about! ;)

As for facts, do they need to come out? Are you going to reveal anything embarrassing, or could an otherwise innocent's life be negatively impacted if certain facts come out? And do you have proof these are actually facts? You may know for a fact that Uncle Joe robbed the 1st National Bank on Elm St. when he was 20, but can you prove it?

Good luck!

[Pamela]

Thank you Richard. I will certainly take your comments on board. some of the 'facts" in my case come from the subject of my book's own writing. In these cases I plan to state 'she recorded that ..." or something along those lines.

[T.R.]

Pamela wrote: "T.R. wrote: "Pamela wrote: "Thank you Cory for raising this question and to K.A. and Mike for sharing your thoughts and experience. I am approaching a section in the biography I am writing (not my ..."

Sounds like a good work around.