Dark fantasy query help

[C.R.]

“All sailors beware, for only one will the Lioness spare”
In the 34th century, vicious creatures walk the earth, and a bloodthirsty monster known as the Lioness rules over the sea. The capital city of Zargo has found that music may keep its monsters at bay, and Lucien Mooncaster, the lead violinist of the city orchestra, is the toast of the town. But even with the lifestyle of a celebrity knocking at his door, the only company he cares to keep is that of his endless supply of books.
Meanwhile, perfection proves to be fragile as Lucien’s picturesque life of comfort falls out from under him when a storm strikes, and an unearthly beautiful woman with a deadly secret washes ashore, shipwrecked outside his home.

All feedback is extra appreciated
Thanks!

[Keith]

I'm not sure what the protagonist's goal is. We're told that vicious creatures are everywhere and somehow a lion in ruling the sea, but what's Lucien trying to accomplish that has anything to do with this?

You say 'perfection' yet just said he only cares about books, so it's hard for me to visualize that his life is perfect in anyway by his standards. Indeed, I get the feeling he'd be rather frustrated with how events turned out.

The first we learn that he lives on the coast is at the very end. I assume that the lioness is tied somehow to the unearthly beautiful woman (which, btw, does not read like a proper sentence to me, but I'm no grammar nazi), but there really isn't any sort of transition from the opening to the closing.

I think you need to break it up with some whitespace as well.

[C.R.]

You make some good points. I shall revise. Thank you

[C.R.]

“All sailors beware, for only one will the Lioness spare”
In the 34th century, vicious creatures walk the earth, and a bloodthirsty siren rules unchecked over the sea. In such dark times, the superstitious capital city of Zargo finds its salvation in music while Lucien Mooncaster, the city orchestra’s young lead violinist, seeks his own salvation after a tragic accident ripped his family apart.

Stuck between a feeling of obligation to the city's patrons and the solitude of his endless supply of books he desperately craves, the violinist must put his inner struggles aside when a storm strikes, and a woman as mysterious as she is beautiful washes ashore, shipwrecked outside his home.

[Keith]

I think your improving a bit, but still don't feel grabbed.

[Keith]

I think it's improved, but am still not feeling grabbed.

PM me if you'd like a link to my blog post outlining suggestions for how to create blurbs/synopses.

[R.M.]

I like the sound of it

[C.R.]

Another version:

In the 34th century, vicious monsters haunt a post-apocalyptic Victorian world.

James Tolston, a rookie sailor, embarks on his first voyage. It’s a rescue mission that takes his crew to a notorious island called the Lioness' Den where a nebulous shadow demon with Hell in it's eyes slaughters all but James. In wake of the horror, the rookie begins his quest for revenge after seeing his only friend in the captain killed as he makes his escape.


In Zargo, a superstitious city on the Mediterranean sea, citizens believe musical enchantments protect them from the monsters outside. The city's lead violinist, Lucien Mooncaster, struggles to overcome the grief of a tragedy that tore his family apart. He longs only to be left to the comfort of his endless books but must put his inner struggles aside when a woman from his past mysteriously returns to town. The fates of James and Lucien soon intertwine after a bewitching siren, pursued by a famed monster hunter, washes ashore outside Lucien's home.

[Keith]

I don't see the connection between James and Lucien, except, possibly (because of reading prior versions) the lioness as manifest by the woman. Now, if the 'famed monster hunter' is James, then that'd be the connection.

I will say that the level of information is much higher and interesting, but, at least for me, it's not reached the point where I'd want to look inside.

[C.R.]

Fair enough, I will keep at it

[C.R.]

A rookie sailor on his maiden voyage. A ship sailing straight into the heart of darkness. A bloodthirsty monster preys on the Mediterranean sea lanes of the 34th century. There will be no safe harbors in the approaching storm, not even Zargo, the world's largest port.
Against this backdrop, Archer Solomon, a reckless and aging monster hunter, pursues a bewitching siren who robbed him of everything he once held dear. A hunt that takes him to the gates of Zargo where his coveted siren already has her sights set on a new innocent soul. Her target is Lucien Mooncaster, a famous violinist and recluse struggling to overcome the grief of a tragic accident that took his family from him.
As shadows descend upon Zargo, fates become intertwined. Will Lucien and Solomon each have what it takes to put their inner struggles aside and weather the coming storm?

[C.R.]

A rookie sailor on his maiden voyage. A ship sailing straight into the heart of darkness. A bloodthirsty monster preys on the Mediterranean sea lanes of the 34th century. There will be no safe harbors in the approaching storm, not even Zargo, the world's largest port.

Against this backdrop, Archer Solomon, a reckless and aging monster hunter, pursues a bewitching siren who robbed him of everything he once held dear. A hunt that takes him to the gates of Zargo where his coveted siren already has her sights set on a new innocent soul. Her target is Lucien Mooncaster, a famous violinist and recluse struggling to overcome the grief of a tragic accident that took his family from him.

As shadows descend upon Zargo, fates become intertwined. Will Lucien and Solomon each have what it takes to put their inner struggles aside and weather the coming storm?

[Keith]

Reading this version, Lucien seems almost an afterthought and earlier versions of your blurb implied he was the MC. You start this one with 'rookie sailor' but don't give him a name and usually the blurb focuses on the MC. I assume that the bewitching siren is also the bloodthirsty monster.

I'm not sure who the story is about. You mention a sailor, a monster hunter, a siren/bloodthirsty monster and a violinist as well as the port city of Zargo.

My feeling is you have too many seemingly unrelated things going on in your blurb.

[C.R.]

Yeah the rookie sailor, James in previous drafts, is a minor character, the monster hunter and lucien, the violinist, are the two MCs, with a Lucien the overall MC. This is tough, I promise the story isn't an scattered as my blurb attempts have been Haha

[J]

C.R. wrote: "A rookie sailor on his maiden voyage. A ship sailing straight into the heart of darkness. A bloodthirsty monster preys on the Mediterranean sea lanes of the 34th century. There will be no safe harb..."

Jumping in 3rd reel here (and I'm not an editor, at all, so feel free to ignore). As a reader, I don't mind the bullet point approach that hits on the major players in the story, I prefer it, actually. I would a paragraph break for each.

A rookie sailor (sailing into the heart of darkness etc.)

An aging monster hunter (seeking the siren that robbed him of everything etc.) - I wouldn't bring up Lucien here

A tortured (or whatever you feel sums him up) musician (overcoming his grief) - maybe tie in the siren here, maybe not, see how it feels.

Then a final sentence that sums up how these people are connected/will be connected (blood thirsty monster/storm - are they the same thing) that threatens them all.

I don't know that, at this point, I need to know what Zargo is or even have it mentioned by name.

I really like 'there will be no safe harbor' line. Maybe have that as the punch at the the end. Just that, not Zargo or in the coming storm (if you have that summarizing sentence about the threat on the way).

Just my thoughts. I hope I'm making sense. Although, keep in mind, I am still completely unable to write a blurb, pitch or summary for my own story, so take any advice with a grain of salt.

[C.R.]

J Moore, thanks for the feedback it's a tough road, Its taken me a very long time to complete a query for my novel. And honestly I had already just done another draft before i even saw your comment. I will post the new one below, would love to get your thoughts

[C.R.]

A rookie sailor on his maiden voyage. A ship sailing straight into the heart of darkness. A bloodthirsty monster preys on the Mediterranean sea lanes of the 34th century. There will be no safe harbors in the approaching storm.

Against this backdrop, Lucien Mooncaster, a tortured violinist in the capital city of Zargo’s orchestra, struggles to overcome the grief of a tragic accident that took his family from him. He longs for nothing but solitude until a bewitching woman mysteriously washes ashore, shipwrecked outside his home.

Just beyond his city’s gates, Archer Solomon, a reckless and aging monster hunter, pursues his final contract, a personal vendetta against a creature who robbed him of everything he once held dear. But a much darker entity hides in the shadow of the hunter’s precious target, one with the power to change the fate of the entire world.

As shadows descend upon Zargo, fates become intertwined. Will Lucien and Solomon each have what it takes to weather the coming storm?

[Keith]

I think it is the best, by far.

[C.R.]

Thank you for saying