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Grammar check please!
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Thanks Shelby, that's what I thought but after staring at the screen for 30mins I thought I might be going crazy...
I believe b is more correct, but not entirely. It’s more correct this way:“Yes,” she replied, “the party I have been planning.”
There shouldn’t be a period after party unless you want to start a whole new sentence. You could start a whole new sentence, but it sounds awkward to start a whole new clause. We need to see the rest of the context to know for sure.
Mod
And I think it reads fine with the period. It reads as if she's a little hesitant to talk about the party or she's been distracted and almost forgot about it.
If you changed the comma after 'replied' to a period, then (a) would be correct. Just one more way it could be modified. :-)
It also depends on the importance you are attaching to it. It might be an event that's been talked about for a while and everyone is referring to it as 'The Party'.
My view is a bit different. What does the tag do, other then interject the narrator and slow the reading of that line of dialog? It appears that she's been asked a question. So whatever she says is a reply, which means there's no reason for the narrator to explain that it is a reply.And, if the one asking the question knows about the party, why add, "that I have been planning?" Seems to me, based on appearances, a simple "yes." would have sufficed. Though if the way she replied matters, a tag, like, "Yes," She said with a shrug, would contribute scene-setting data.
And another tiny quibble: Unless this character is a formal person, she'd probably say "...that I've been planning." Wouldn't you?
Shelby wrote: "Letter b is correct."Unless the "p" in "Party" is supposed to be capitalized because it's a political organization rather than an entertainment event!
Since the sentence has been presented out of context, it's hard to tell whether "the party" and "I have been planning" are related.
For example, if the dialog was something like this:
Person A: "Wait, you're referring to the party, aren't you?" He paused. "I know you. You're up to something. What is it?"
Person B: "Yes, the party," she replied. "I have been planning."
Then "planning" is not related to the party at all. It's two different things being talked about and it would be most appropriate to present the statements as two sentences.
If, however, the "planning" is referring to "the party" then it would make more sense to do as Leah indicated in message 4 above:
Person A: "What am I brining? Bringing to what? Oh! The party!"
Person B: "Yes," she replied, "the party I have been planning."
Micah, that’s what I was getting at. We need the context.
Why not eliminate the “she replied” part? If it’s a conversation, we already know who’s talking. Does the reply help it have a pause?She crossed her arms. “Yes...the party. I’ve been
planning.”
Or just a comma after yes. Try some action to indicate who is speaking :)
Mod
V.K. wrote: "Which is right?
a) "Yes," she replied, "The Party. I have been planning."
b) "Yes," she replied, "the party. I have been planning."
...Any help appreciated. Thanks"
I am someone leaning towards B. What I'd like to say is something else, though.
Leah wrote: "I believe b is more correct, but not entirely. It’s more correct this way:
“Yes,” she replied, “the party I have been planning.”
I see some difference in these options. Leah's way means that the speaker (whoever it is) is planning the party. Your version means that there's a party and the speaker was planning related to it - but it might not necessarily be the party. It might be anything else, related to the party or not. Without the wider context (more of the dialogue), it's hard to say which would be better.
As for dialogue tags - we don't even know how many people are in the dialogue. If only two and they take turns, dialogue tags might be removed. If there's more, then we need something to know who's talking.
I would leave the tags. I don't like rapid-fire dialogue. I've seen it go on too long and the speakers sound too much like each other. It works best in hard-boiled detective, otherwise it can turn into a grilling session.Option b. (It could be ominous, leaving it unsaid. She could be planning to poison them all.) :)
I think the context is vital here. Is the response simply to a question about the party and if so, it would simply be a yes or no, period. Then, "I have been planning," would be an introduction to something else, like - I have been planning to bring a friend, surprise someone, etc. By the way, there is nothing wrong with - I have been - a contraction does not have to be made. Some people often do not regularly use contractions in their speech. It all depends on culture.
Tony wrote: "I think the context is vital here."Absolutely.
Tony wrote: "By the way, there is nothing wrong with - I have been - a contraction does not have to be made. Some people often do not regularly use contractions in their speech. It all depends on culture. "
Correct. It also depends on the intended tone of the statement, the power relationship between those in the conversation, and/or the connotation implied in the statement (which we really can't tell here without the context).
I can't put the whole piece here (it's part of a short story) but heres a snippet which may (or may not!) help the debate...“We talked about this yesterday Mum,” he said, “today is the day. It’s time. Remember?”
She wished she had tied a bit of string around her finger, like her Grandmother told her to. Maybe then she would know what he was talking about.
“Yes,” she replied, “the party. I have been planning.”
She heard the rattle of a cup as it was placed into the sink, and she looked back out the window. The rain streamed down the pane now, the birds having taken shelter in the trees and the clouds held their grey bellies low on the skyline. There was a soft patter on the roof, as they discarded their loads.
Ahhhhhh. So, is it the infamous party she’s been planning? Or something else that’s kept her occupied? The pause does keep it mysterious lol.
Jay wrote: "“We talked about this yesterday Mum,” he said, “today is the day. It’s time. Remember?”Here, the words after the tag are clearly a new sentence, and should be punctuated like one, with a period f..."
Thanks for the feedback Jay, even though I have to admit it seems particularly strong given this is only one snippet of the story, so I understand that you do not have the story concept to work with. But I take your feedback and appreciate your time spent.
Post 16 works for me. She might be losing her memory. She needs the reminder, and all the descriptions that follow are her trying to piece together memory.I also did not need the context to decide what could work.
Wow, Jay. That’s an awesomely elaborate and informative evaluation. Even though there’s different styles of writing, I find your thoughts very helpful in understanding that aspect of the craft of writing. Thank you. With that said, I do think there are different styles of writing and different things that some publishers may be looking for, depending on the genre, among other things. I happen to enjoy this way of painting the scene’s mood. I often write that way, too. For example—beginning with a character’s inner dialogue or actions, and showing the mood of the scene by letting the character’s attention shift to the click clock of stilettos on the sidewalk outside. Perhaps the sound brings back an important memory for the character, or somehow sets the mood I want, or helps transition that scene to another.
Or, perhaps I need to re-read your entire comment again because I’ve missed the message. That’s entirely possible lol.
(This comment was in response to a long elaborate comment that has been deleted).
“showing the mood of the scene by letting the character’s attention shift to the click clock of stilettos on the sidewalk outside.”Leah, you just made my point. You don’t tell the reader what can be heard, because that can only come from the author, and breaks POV. You tell them what the protagonist finds interesting enough to focus on and respond to. To me, that’s the difference between telling and showing.
“Perhaps the sound brings back an important memory for the character.”
Exactly. With this, you’ve identified a seamless way to present needed information to the reader: giving the protagonist a legitimate reason to focus on the memory, and a need to recall it, as against by an editorial interjection.
That’s far better than the author striding on stage and stopping the scene-clock to expound on something no one in the story is paying attention to, which kills all momentum the scene may have generated, and with it, the illusion of reality.
Thank you.
Mod
That is, if the author is writing purely from the protagonist's point of view. This is not the only way to write and from the short example V.K. gave, I can't tell if this is what she's doing.
"“We talked about this yesterday Mum,” he said, “today is the day. It’s time. Remember?”She wished she had tied a bit of string around her finger, like her Grandmother told her to. Maybe then she would know what he was talking about.
“Yes,” she replied, “the party. I have been planning.”
She heard the rattle of a cup as it was placed into the sink, and she looked back out the window. The rain streamed down the pane now, the birds having taken shelter in the trees and the clouds held their grey bellies low on the skyline. There was a soft patter on the roof, as they discarded their loads."
I like the mood this scene creates. I like how the description of the rain storm makes me feel.
Mod
I do, too. It makes me think of a somber, wet, gray day and seems to match the moods of the characters well. It helps me feel their moods. And that is what good writing should do - make us feel.
I would suggest "Yes," she replied, "the party; I have been planning."
a) "Yes," she replied, "The Party. I have been planning."
b) "Yes," she replied, "the party. I have been planning."
...Any help appreciated. Thanks