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Blurb Help - Fantasy - Nisime: Written in the Scars; What do you think?
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Mod
I like it.
Thanks, what do you like most about it? And if there was something you would change, what would it be?
Mod
I found it intriguing, and as a reader, it hooked me enough it consider checking out the book.
The third sentence is a bit long and might benefit from some tightening and this bit "the missing relative" is slightly impersonal; I'd add a pronoun instead of "the" at least. You also might want to consider a call to action at the end.
{Edited} What do you think now?A. J.
Mod
A. J."
It's good.
Like, how? I'm glad you think it's good, but it's not much to go on.Anyway, in another group, I've had to make some revisions based on some of the opinions, so do you think this is better, or what do you think:
It splits families. It shatters kingdoms. It's the reason a valley is watered by the tears of its victims.
Nisime is a wall that separates the east and west sides of the world with only one way through - a set of Gates that has a mind of its own and only opens and closes when it desires.
In Valeon, on the west side of Nisime, celebration reigns when visitation is traded between either side of the Wall. But for Senator Brook, it means her steady life of politics is interrupted with a visit from her adopted sister and the introduction of her 5-year-old niece, Aoifen.
Near Valeon's southern borders, an unsolved conflict threatens to return as the enemy seeks to expand an empire to take hold of Nisime and finally gain access to the east side of the world, where their empire will reign supreme over helplessly defenseless civilizations.
But Brook is forced to ignore such events to take care of Aoifen after her sister's mysterious disappearance and the child's sudden unwanted attention by Valeon's worst enemies. Heavy prices are put on her head for her capture, alerting the world's roughest bounty hunters, and despite the language barrier between the pair, Brook is flung on an emotional journey to keep Aoifen out of the enemy's hand while the world of safety steadily shrinks around her.
Mod
Anyway, in another group, I've had to make some revisions based on some of the opinions, so do you think this is better, or what..."
It's tighter, and the prose is better, (although I'd lose the "only" in the sentence "a set of Gates that has a mind of its own and only opens") but I think you lost a little of the impact and tension of the first blurb. But I could be wrong, see what your other group feels.
Yah, I see what you mean, and I'm starting to like the first one better.A. J.
With the change in direction I want my story to go, I feel like a new blurb may also be in order.
The one I put together is experimental, but I'd like to see what you think. I won't say anything else about it; I'll just let you read it yourself.
It splits families. It shatters kingdoms. It's the reason a valley is watered by the tears of its victims.
Nisime is a wall that separates the east and west sides of Known World with only one way through - a set of Gates that has a mind of its own and only opens and closes when it desires.
Some see it as a cause for celebration when the Gates part and allow for trade and commerce between countries and the visitation of distant relatives. But peace and prosperity in Valeon never lasts.
Senator Brook Mae'Satine's steady life of politics is interrupted with the introduction to her 5-year-old niece, Aoifen. Following the disappearance of the child's mother, Brook is tasked with the responsibility of raising Aoifen while searching for her missing relative.
After an unusual war breaks out, Aoifen gains unwanted attention by Valeon's worst enemies, and heavy prices are promised for her capture, alerting the world's roughest bounty hunters. Despite the language barrier between the unlikely pair, Brook is flung on an emotional journey to bring Aoifen through Nisime to safety before the Gates close for what may be over a decade.