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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > YA Futuristic Circus Query

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message 1: by Anne (new)

Anne Lutz (annelutz) | 27 comments Hi, please help! This query is way too long. Also, any other critiques are gladly appreciated.

QUERY:

It’s the year 2079, and seventeen-year-old Nova works on her family’s traveling circus—a circus like no other. The W Express features captured Wickeds—demonic humanoids created by an Earth-altering solar flare. Cursed with supernatural powers, the Wickeds function as imprisoned performers in the circus, showcasing their bulletproof skin or their spiderlike climbing.

When new Wickeds are captured in the wild, the W Express gains never-before-seen abilities and the promise of a revitalized show. But with unwavering defiance and the ability to speak, these Wickeds seem more human than demon. Everyone warns Nova of their ferocity, but she can’t help thinking these Wickeds might not be evil at all.

So when one of the new additions—an empathetic, gravity-defying Wicked—saves her life, Nova fears the worst. That maybe the “humanoids” are simply human. And that just maybe, she has been complicit to slavery her entire life.

Faced with the epiphany that she’s the villain of her own story, Nova dives headfirst into the forbidden world of the Wickeds, hoping to redeem herself. But then her family announces their plan to sell the circus for profit, and Nova realizes befriending the Wickeds will never be enough.

It’s time to go to war, but only if Nova is ready to take down her own family—and possibly, herself.

I am the author of two novels, including a contemporary YA, published by Hachette in 2017. I am a Wattpad star and featured author with over 120,000 followers and more than 4,500,000 reads on my most popular work. Additionally, I have won contests by Nicholas Sparks and The DUFF movie. I received a degree in English and creative writing from the University of Montana, and I currently work as a children’s librarian.


message 2: by Anne (new)

Anne Lutz (annelutz) | 27 comments UPDATE:

It’s the year 2079, and seventeen-year-old Nova works at her family’s traveling circus—a circus like no other. The W Express features captured Wickeds—demonic humanoids created by an Earth-altering solar flare. The Wickeds function as imprisoned performers in the circus, showcasing their bulletproof skin or their spiderlike climbing.

When new Wickeds are captured in the wild, the W Express gains never-before-seen abilities and the promise of a revitalized show. But with unwavering defiance and the ability to speak, these Wickeds seem more human than demon. Everyone warns Nova of their ferocity, but she can’t help thinking these Wickeds might not be evil at all.

So when one of the new additions—an empathetic, gravity-defying Wicked—saves her life, Nova fears the worst. That maybe the “humanoids” are simply human. And that just maybe, she is the villain of her own story.

Hoping to redeem herself, Nova befriends the Wickeds. But then her family announces their plan to sell the circus, and Nova realizes her sympathy will never be enough. It’s time to go to war, but only if Nova is willing to take down her family and everything they’ve built.


message 3: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments Well, you left out title, genre and word count. And comps. You have an impressive resume, though.

I didn't look at your first blurb. While it's 'too long' at 191 words, reading it I didn't feel like there was any fat. I could scratch my head for a while to try to trim it down, but the 100-150 word recommendation is just a guideline, not an absolute.

I suggest giving the Wicked who saved Nova's life a name, even though it only shows up once, to reinforce the idea that they may be human and Nova may be the villain (love that concept!).

I suggest your blurb is fine. I'm not a reader of YA, yet feel compelled to read yours, so would say it's very effective. As a query, what you have written isn't, for the reasons above.

Good luck!


message 4: by Anne (new)

Anne Lutz (annelutz) | 27 comments Keith wrote: "Well, you left out title, genre and word count. And comps. You have an impressive resume, though.

I didn't look at your first blurb. While it's 'too long' at 191 words, reading it I didn't feel li..."


Hi Keith!

Thank you for taking the time to help! Yes, I plan to have those details in the first paragraph, along with agent personalization. I think it's a great idea to have the male lead's name in there!

Thanks!

Best,

Brooke


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