Request for assistance with tag line and back cover blurb

[Graeme]

Hi all,

I'm looking for thoughts, comments, and suggestions with regard to the following tag line and back cover blurb.

The context is a 350+ page action fest where an intrepid team of super-powered heroes have to infiltrate an insanely well-defended fortress to destroy the AI that is kept there.

The objective is met (or not as the case may be), there is a flight from the fortress by the surviving members of the team, and pursuit by the villains which culminates in a mighty, pitched, dramatic battle.

Complicating matters, the MC's grandfather, a legendary warrior who returns from exile is the key to the fortress, but harbors his own agenda which he will ruthlessly pursue.

NOTE: This is the 5th book in an ongoing series.

TAG LINE: (for use with the blurb on the Amazon product page).

"So, a fortress surrounded by miles of bare plain, fitted with multiple fence lines, sensors to detect tunneling, roving ground and aerial drones, surface to air missile systems, rail guns, phalanx systems, laser grids, autonomous flechette guns, and guarded by platoons of genetically engineered super-soldiers and militarized vampires backed by a near AI surveillance system ... AND YOU WANT US TO GO IN THERE?!?!!!"

BACK COVER BLURB:

ON THE EDGE OF ANNIHILATION!

The Order of Thoth is on the verge of destruction. Arthur Slayne has returned from exile. The foremost foe of the Vampire Dominion seeks to aid the Mirovar force team.

The secret location of the Panopticon has been revealed within a Vampire Dominion fortress of terrifying defenses. Only someone bereft of sanity, or a Slayne, would attempt to infiltrate it.

Anton and his friends must defeat the might of the Vampire Dominion, but will Anton’s grandfather prove to be his strongest ally, or will he prove to be a foe with a dark agenda more dangerous than his arch-nemesis, general Chloe Armitage?

END

Any assistance would be much appreciated.

Thanks

Cheers Graeme

[Leonie]

Hi Graeme,

I always struggle with taglines and blurbs. I found these links really helpful this time around.

https://thoughtsonfantasy.com/2016/09...

https://writershelpingwriters.net/201...

"So, a fortress surrounded by miles of bare plain, fitted with multiple fence lines, sensors to detect tunneling, roving ground and aerial drones, surface to air missile systems, rail guns, phalanx systems, laser grids, autonomous flechette guns, and guarded by platoons of genetically engineered super-soldiers and militarized vampires backed by a near AI surveillance system ... AND YOU WANT US TO GO IN THERE?!?!!!"

I think this is too much. I zoned out after the first couple of descriptors, and I really like your stories.

I'd go for something like:

An impenetrable fortress, guarded by genetically engineered super-soldiers and militarised vampires, not to mention the AI surveillance. Piece of cake? Maybe not...

Or: Impenetrable fortress, militarised vampires and super soldiers: We're going where?????

I think your blurb looks pretty good.

[Graeme]

Nice! - Yeah, I like your tag line suggestions.

[Graeme]

I'll check out those links.

[[deleted user]]

I agree with Leonie that your tag line is too long. What about this?
"A team of heroes must infiltrate a fortress surrounded by miles of bare plain and protected by multiple fence lines, sensors, advanced weapons, genetically engineered super-soldiers and militarized vampires. However, they must try in order to destroy the evil inside this fortress."

I would also change a bit the back cover blurb. Here is a proposal:
ON THE EDGE OF ANNIHILATION!
Arthur Slayne has returned from exile. The foremost foe of the Vampire Dominion seeks to aid the Mirovar force team in fighting the evil Order of Thoth. Anton and his friends must destroy the Panopticon, hidden in a super fortress, but will Anton’s grandfather prove to be his strongest ally, or will he prove to be a foe with a dark agenda more dangerous than his arch-nemesis, general Chloe Armitage?

[Marie Silk]

Hi Graeme, congratulations on your upcoming book :). I understood a tagline to be a sentence or less. If that's the case, I think "On the edge of annihilation" would make a punchy tagline.

[Graeme]

Thanks Michel, much appreciated, good food for thought.

[Graeme]

Hi Marie, thanks for that. This book, #5, is due at the end of 2019, but I like to have the cover, blurb, tagline sorted for the next book as I publish my current book #4.

[Graeme]

REVISED BLURB #1: (Tag Line is still WIP). Tightened up the phrasing.

ON THE EDGE OF ANNIHILATION!

The Order of Thoth is on the verge of destruction. Arthur Slayne has returned from exile. The foremost foe of the Vampire Dominion seeks to aid the Mirovar force team.

The secret location of the Panopticon has been revealed within a Vampire Dominion fortress of terrifying defenses. Only someone bereft of sanity would attempt to infiltrate it, or a Slayne.

Anton and his friends must defeat the might of the Vampire Dominion, but will Anton’s grandfather prove to be his strongest ally, or is he a foe with a dark agenda more dangerous than Anton's arch-nemesis, general Chloe Armitage?

[Graeme]

WIP Tag Lin #1:

"Sneak into an impenetrable fortress. Defeat the super-soldiers, and militarized vampires. Destroy the AI surveillance system. What could possibly go wrong?"

[[deleted user]]

Graeme wrote: "WIP Tag Lin #1:

"Sneak into an impenetrable fortress. Defeat the super-soldiers, and militarized vampires. Destroy the AI surveillance system. What could possibly go wrong?""

That one sounds about right.

[Graeme]

Thanks Michel.