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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Feedback on Query for YA Fantasy
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Too long. The generally accepted sweet spot is around 350 words, with 100-150 of those as your blurb. You are excessively wordy and provide unnecessary information. This is how I would word your first paragraph:SO MUCH AT STAKE. At 60K YA Fantasy. Stand alone, but with series potential.
PM me if you'd like me to send you a link with suggestions for writing a blurb and synopsis.
After reading Keith's feedback, I rewrote the above query to make it shorter. Then I read his blog and a couple other webpages regarding query letters, and redid it again. both newer versions follow. I still may need to try it again, but any feed back would be appreciated. 1st rewrite:
Dear {Mr. or Ms.},
SO MUCH AT STAKE is a 60,000 word YA Fantasy. It is a standalone story, with series potential. Although it is a fantasy, I believe it has a "literary bent" because it is visually descriptive and driven by plot, character, and background stories, rather than simple action.
Traumatized in roadside attack he believes left his parents dead, David “Little Hawk” Lightfoot exists in a catatonic state. Only his Grandfather, a powerful shaman, is able to pull him back from his paralyzing grief. When David reveals the attacker was a vampire and discovers his mother, and presumably his father, has been turned into a creature of the night, he vows to hunt down the monster that took them.
After thwarting an attempted abduction by several of the vampire’s minions, David learns the monster and his parents have fled to New Orleans; and he is determined to follow them. Unable to deter him, Matt Half-moon and James Morningstar volunteer to accompany him. While preparing to perform a ritual of protection over them, Grandfather reveals David is destined to replace him as shaman of the tribe.
In New Orleans, David’s father lures him into an encounter with the monster. Having felt a great power in the boy, the vampire offers him a chance to join forces. When he refuses, the monster orders his parents to kill him. During a battle of wills, David’s father takes his own life rather than killing David. When the vampire attacks him, David drives him off using his medicine bag, a stake and holy water. While the men and David search for the monster’s lair, David’s shaman abilities begin to emerge. In a final confrontation with the vampire, Matt is killed and David’s mother dies trying to protect the boy. When the monster is vanquished, David discovers his parents can be brought back to a life because they died protecting him and haven’t tasted human blood.
I am new to publishing, but with your guidance I believe we can make this book a success. I hope the above synopsis entices you to request the entire manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you.
2nd rewrite:
Dear {Mr. or Ms.},
SO MUCH AT STAKE is a 60,000 word YA Fantasy. It is a standalone story, with series potential. Although it is a fantasy, I believe it has a "literary bent" because it is visually descriptive and driven by plot, character, and background stories, rather than simple action. Additionally, unlike many fantasies, it does not take place in a dystopian universe full of unimaginable horror; SO MUCH AT STAKE is set in present day New Mexico and New Orleans.
David “Little Hawk” Lightfoot is a twelve-year-old Native American boy who is destined to become the shaman of his tribe. While recovering from a roadside attack he believes left his parents dead; He discovers they have been turned into creatures of the night and vows to hunt down the vampire who took them from him.
After thwarting an attempted abduction by several of the vampire’s minions, David learns the monster and his parents have fled to New Orleans; and he is determined to follow them. Unable to deter him, Matt Half-moon and James Morningstar volunteer to accompany him. Can they find and destroy the monster? And, if necessary can David find the courage to save his parents from a fate worse than death?
I hope the above preview of SO MUCH AT STAKE entices you to request the entire manuscript. If you would like a more detailed synopsis, I will gladly provide it. I look forward to hearing from you.
The second one is much better. The first seems like it contains spoilers for the ending, which you never do in a blurb (but do in a synopsis).You're going to find it a very hard up-hill battle to blend fantasy and literary. I urge you to focus on fantasy. If your agent asks for the MS, agrees to represent you and would like to market it toward literary, let them deal with that challenge.
There are plenty of fantasies that have no dystopian angle, so I strongly suggest you drop that all together. While I'm not a huge fan of fantasy, I've read dozens of books or series over my life and can't think of a single one that is dystopian.
Matt and James are mentioned once, so go with their purpose names, e.g., best friends or whatever.
You need comparables. I'm going to suggest the answer to the following question is 'no' based on our interactions, but is put here for completeness: is there anything in your background that makes you unique and interesting as an author? Like you've won awards? This is stuff that can help publishers sell your books, not that you won an award in high school for a poem.
Don't forget white space! And make absolutely sure what you've written looks good in plain text, without any formatting.
Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate the info. I love writing my stories and editing them; but this query letter business is a whole different monster. It's really giving me trouble :-).I initially wanted to use a short synopsis in the query because I had seen several agents/publishers that asked for them as part of the query letter, but they also said to keep the query to one page. That's hard to do with a full synopsis, but I thought I was supposed to give them at least a short overview with spoilers. I'll stick to a blurb for initial queries.
I mentioned the story having a "literary bent", and tried to explain how, because the particular publisher/editor I am looking at for this letter said they will consider books from almost any genre as long as they have a "literary bent" (the quote marks are theirs). So I figured I'd give them a shot. I usually just refer to the book as a YA fantasy. I'll gladly let an agent refer to it as whatever we can agree fits if they can help me get it published :-).
Good point about the dystopian angel. I'll drop that.
In the story, Matt is the Chief of the Tribal Police and James is the head of the Tribal Council. In consideration of brevity I used their names, but I see your point, I can change it to their titles instead.
Unfortunately, I have no accolades for my writing. I'm just a guy who loves to write stories. The publisher also wanted a short BIO, so maybe some of my personal history will be interesting to them.
Thanks again for taking time to provide feedback. It's very helpful.
Terry
Here is another attempt at perfecting my query.Dear {Mr. or Ms.},
SO MUCH AT STAKE is a 60,000 word YA Fantasy. It is a standalone story, with series potential. I believe it meets your requirement of having a “literary bent” because the story is visually descriptive and driven by plot, character, and background stories, rather than simple action. It is set in present day New Mexico and New Orleans, and draws on real world historic events, beliefs, and information for some background stories and details. And, while there are scenes containing violence, they are toned down so they are not too graphic; which may make the book suitable for many younger advanced readers.
David “Little Hawk” Lightfoot is a twelve-year-old Native American boy who is destined to become the shaman of his tribe. While recovering from a vicious roadside attack he believes left his parents dead; he discovers they have been turned into creatures of the night and vows to hunt down the vampire who took them from him.
After thwarting an attempted abduction by several of the vampire’s minions, David learns the monster and his parents may have fled to New Orleans; and he is determined to follow them. Unable to deter him from this dangerous path, the chief of the Tribal Police force and the head of the Tribal Council volunteer to accompany him. Can Little Hawk and his brave companions find and destroy the monster? And, if necessary, can David find the courage to save his parents from a fate worse than death?
I am new to publishing and cannot provide any references, awards, or accolades regarding my writing experience; but I hope the above preview of SO MUCH AT STAKE entices you to request the entire manuscript. If you would like a more detailed synopsis, I will gladly provide it. Additionally, I hope my lack of prior publishing credentials will not deter you from working with me.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Delete all this:"I am new to publishing and cannot provide any references, awards, or accolades regarding my writing experience; but I hope the above preview of SO MUCH AT STAKE entices you to request the entire manuscript. If you would like a more detailed synopsis, I will gladly provide it. Additionally, I hope my lack of prior publishing credentials will not deter you from working with me."
Negative information is useless. _Of course_ you'll be happy to send more (some agents/publishers will ask for a synopsis and first chapter or two with the query; best to have a one-page and 2-3 page synopsis ready to go).
Use contractions liberally.
You need more white space in your blurb. While I think it's far better now, I think it still needs some tweaking to make it more compelling. I may have the energy to take a stab at it later.
Once again, thanks for the great feedback. I'll try to tweak the blurb to add white space. Maybe I can split the paragraph about thwarting the abduction in two,
And I'll switch to contractions.
Also, what do you think about dropping the negativity and just making the ending something like:
" I hope the above preview of SO MUCH AT STAKE entices you to request the entire manuscript.Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, "
I know it's obvious that I hope the above preview entices them to request the entire manuscript, but shouldn't I say more in closing than just thanking them for their time and consideration. I tried that and it just seemed so blunt. :-).
Thanks again,
Terry
If you feel you have to, then try to stick with the minimal version you just indicated.The only purpose of the query is to get an MS request. In a happy 'accident' of dual usage, the blurb, whose normal purpose is to get the reader to buy the book, is there to entice the agent/publisher. Whatever gets an agent/publisher to ask for the MS is 'good,' the rest is 'bad.' The tricky part is figuring which is which. Agents get 100-500 queries each week, with the more experienced, more in demand agents at the higher end. Successful agents already have several authors they already represent, so reading queries is something they do in their spare time. If they make an MS request (again: the only point of the query), they have to make time to read your MS in addition to all the other stuff they're doing already. Yes, this is all their job, but the thing to tuck in the back of your mind is they're basically looking for reasons to say 'no' and the more you give them, the more likely you are to get deleted. And no answer means 'no.' And you don't get a second chance with the same agent for the same book. And often get no second chance for the same agency for the same book (reading submission guidelines will tell you one way or another, but agents talk to each other you know). So think about which version of your query and blurb will be most likely to break through to the agent, when they're only investing 5-10 seconds on your blurb. If they ask for your MS and like it (meaning, they want to represent you), _then_ is the time to flood them with TMI.
BTW, I noticed this time, you still don't have comparables.
Keith, I saw your other message and read the link. I can see why I would want to keep the query short and interesting. Makes sense. You're right about the amount of information you can find regarding queries. It gets confusing for a newbie. Anyway thanks for your help.I haven't had a chance to rework the query again, but when I do I'll post it.
As for comparables, I don't have any awards or accolades for my writing to set me apart from other writers. That being the case, could/should I use personal things like the fact I have partial Native American ancestry (may be relevant since my story's hero is Native American), I'm retired U.S. Military and a Gulf War 1 vet... or should I leave that in a separate biography statement like I have it presently?
Or is comparables referring to other books comparable to mine and how mine is different??
Terry
Comparables, in this case, are other books. The idea is to give the agent/publisher an idea of where you think your book should be shelved in a book store. Not to famous, but not too obscure either. Fun, eh?
Oh, okay. Thanks for clarifying that. I have seen a publisher or two that asked for a list of similar books, but they didn't explain why they were asking for it.Off the top of my head, two series that come to mind about a boy who discovers he has "powers" and faces incredible challenges would be Percy Jackson and Harry Potter books. But, I'm hesitant to mention those; a lot of people probably use them as comparables. Although, I would think my book should be shelved in the same area. Not that I'm saying I have the next HP or PJ series on my hands, but dang, wouldn't that be sweet??? I'll think of a few others that aren't so famous.
Here's the most recent version of my query. I went with HP And PJ, as well as another newer series, for comparables. Hope this is closer to the mark.
Dear {Mr. or Ms.},
SO MUCH AT STAKE is a 60,000 word YA Fantasy. It is a standalone story, with series potential. I believe it meets your requirement of having a “literary bent” because the story is visually descriptive and driven by plot, character, and background stories, rather than simple action. It is set in present day New Mexico and New Orleans, and draws on real world historic events, beliefs, and information for some background stories and details. While there are elements of violence, they're toned down; which may make the book suitable for many younger advanced readers.
David “Little Hawk” Lightfoot is a twelve-year-old Native American boy destined to become the shaman of his tribe. While recovering from a vicious roadside attack he believes left his parents dead; he discovers they’ve been turned into creatures of the night and vows to hunt down the vampire who took them from him.
After thwarting an attempted abduction by several of the vampire’s minions, David and members of his tribe conduct an apparently futile raid on the suspected vampire lair. Upon returning to the Tribal Council Hall, David reveals he found a clue that indicates the monster and his parents may have fled to New Orleans; and he is determined to follow them.
Unable to deter him from this dangerous path, the chief of the Tribal Police force and the head of the Tribal Council volunteer to accompany him. Can Little Hawk and his brave companions find and destroy the monster? And, if necessary, can David find the courage to save his parents from a fate worse than death?
SO MUCH AT STAKE is a story that would be at home on a library shelf or sales floor next to newer YA Fantasy titles such as The Elemental Magic series. But, it would also fit well alongside older stories like the Harry Potter and Percy Jackson Series. All these stories introduce young male protagonists, who discover they have magic powers and are compelled to face incredible challenges.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Cool. I'll send this to the publisher as soon as she reopens to unsolicited submissions. I'll also use it as a basis to modify for other agents/publishers.Thanks for your help.
Terry
Thanks.
Dear {Mr. or Ms.},
I am writing to ask you to consider working with me to publish my young adult novel, SO MUCH AT STAKE. At 60,000 words, SO MUCH AT STAKE is a stand alone story, but is intended to be the first book in a YA Fantasy series with the working title/subtitle SHAMAN TALES- THE CHRONICLES OF LITTLE HAWK. The series is planned for a total of seven books. During downtime between numerous editing sessions of SO MUCH AT STAKE, I have drafted three additional stories; but at this time only SO MUCH AT STAKE is at the point I believe it is ready for publication consideration.However, I also feel it may benefit from the guidance of a professional editor; such as yourself or another of the editors on your staff. Incidentally, no part of this story has been published anywhere.
SO MUCH AT STAKE, and the SHAMAN TALES series, follows the story of a Native American boy supposedly destined to become the shaman of his tribe. But I believe it meets your requirement of having a "literary bent" for many reasons. First, while there are action scenes, the story is written to be visually descriptive and driven more by plot, character, and background stories, rather than simple action. Next, while this is a fantasy novel, it is not set in some dystopian future full of unimaginable horror. SO MUCH AT STAKE is set in present day New Mexico and New Orleans. It also references a now non-existent town that was located near New Orleans until a short time after the U.S. Civil War. But, I confess the two towns mentioned as being closest to the Native American community are made up, however the details of their history reflect actual development history for many towns in the area. Third, all information regarding U.S. Civil War battles and figures is accurate; of course with the exception of the parts regarding the vampire. Then, there are tidbits of factual information included as background to make the story more believable. For example, the scientific information regarding the properties of garlic, which is used as the basis for the explanation of the effects of the vegetable on vampires. And the Native American reverence for Pinon pine and their use of its sap (tar).
In SO MUCH AT STAKE, after being traumatized by a vicious roadside attack he believes left his parents dead, twelve year old David “Little Hawk” Lightfoot exists in an almost catatonic state. Only his Grandfather, a very powerful shaman, is able to pull him back from the brink of despair. When David reveals the attacker was a vampire and discovers his mother, and presumably his father, has been turned into a creature of the night, he vows to hunt down the monster that took them from him.
After thwarting an attempted abduction by several of the vampire’s minions, Little Hawk learns the monster and his parents may have fled to New Orleans and is determined to follow them. Unable to deter him from this course, Matt Half-moon and James Morningstar volunteer to accompany him. While preparing to perform a ritual of protection over the travelers, Grandfather reveals that David is destined to replace him as shaman of the tribe.
In New Orleans, David’s father lures him into an encounter with the monster. Having felt a great power in the boy, the vampire offers him a chance to join forces. When he refuses, the monster orders his parents to kill him. During a battle of wills with his master, David’s father takes his own life rather than killing David. When the vampire attacks the boy himself, David turns the tables on him using his medicine bag, a stake and holy water. The creature flees with David’s mother in tow. While the men and David search for the monster’s lair, Little Hawk’s shaman abilities begin to emerge. In a final confrontation with the vampire, Matt is killed and David’s mother gives her own life trying to protect the boy. When the monster is finally vanquished, David discovers his parents can be brought back to a human existence because neither has tasted human blood, and both died protecting him.
As previously mentioned, SO MUCH AT STAKE is written for a young adult audience, but it may be enjoyed by many middle grade and adult readers. It may, or may not, interest you to know that I have also drafted a screenplay version of this first story. As for the other stories in the series, I have written drafts (with some additional editing) of the next three books, and I have a documented a basic concept for the final three stories. None of the other books will have a vampire as the antagonist. This is not a vampire or vampire-slayer series. I will begin deeper editing, and rewriting, of the next book as I wait for your response to this query.
In closing I'd like to say that I truly believe in the potential of this book/series and have been working on it for quite a while. I sincerely hope you decide to work with me to bring it to market. I await your response, and hopefully a request for the full manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you.