Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query for YA Fantasy
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My first thought is your blurb is too long. My second thought is it's third paragraph needs to be broken up.Agents/publishers love the _idea_ of sequels, but your debut generally has to have a clean, satisfying ending and stand alone. The way you phrased it doesn't make it clear one way or another.
I think it might be better if you slide in the notion of the mythic beasts and the parks as enclosures rather than stating it at first. Generally, readers want to know about the characters and while I think your concept is really cool, I think it would be better for you to focus on the characters first and concept second.
You mention the MC killing her sisters a bit too many times for me to feel it's sarcastic. Perhaps mixing it up with something lighter than 'kill' would be better.
You say it is set on the Oregon coast but wrap up talking about Hawaii. If I were reading the blurb, I'd expect to spend at least half the book in Hawaii, so be careful what expectations you set.
Good luck!
Keith, Thank you very much! This feedback is super helpful, and I will absolutely use it in the next re-write. I appreciate your time.
Dear Agent,
I would like to send you A SPARK OF WATER, a 62,000 word YA novel that mixes grounded fantasy and romance.
Seventeen-year-old Morgan O’Brien is having a serious case of "be careful what you wish for." Sure, she didn’t want another boring summer where her biggest concern was trying not to kill her three younger sisters, but did she really have to volunteer to keep America’s biggest secret contained?
As it turns out, America’s National Park system wasn’t created for recreation. They were designed to act as secret enclosures for Cryptids; those creatures from various mythologies that some people think actually exist. Turns out those people were right, and thanks to Morgan’s curiosity and her twin sisters’ total disregard for personal safety, they now have to keep these no-longer-mythical beasts safely locked away.
As the girls begin a grueling training regime, Morgan suddenly has a lot to deal with: her own mortality, epic responsibility, and the very real possibility that her sisters will be killed...perhaps by each other. As if all that weren’t enough for a big sister to worry about, in comes Darren Ballantine, their trainer’s sexy, intelligent grandnephew. Morgan can’t deny the sparks flying between them... or that long make-out session in the stairwell, but with her sisters’ lives on the line, is the romance worth the risk? Morgan hardly has time to decide before she’s off to Maui and Haleakala National Park to fight a trio of thirty-foot-long mythical lizards called Mo’o.
A SPARK OF WATER is set on the Oregon Coast, but the story, and planned sequels, will take my protagonists to various National Parks around the US. I've included the { } pages below per your guidelines. Thank you for your time and consideration.