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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > YA Fantasy - Blurb Feedback Please!

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message 1: by M.J. (new)

M.J. Bavis | 10 comments Hi everyone!

I am looking for feedback for the blurb for my Young Adult low fantasy book, Shadow Soul, please. Any help to do with if it works / gives enough information / grammar (I'm not a native English-speaker) / length, and of course, if it sounds interesting, would be very much appreciated!

There's a bit of mystery in the book so I'm not wanting to reveal too much, but I don't know if this is too short and non-informative...?

Anyway, here it is:

"Camilla wakes up on a hospital bed—yet again. When her carers pity her, Camilla knows only too well she’s not the victim they presume her to be. Yet in her desperation to forget—her identity, her home, what she has done—all means are necessary. Just as she learns to live within her own skin, a mysterious guy appears seemingly from nowhere to present her with a choice: to stay and forfeit her destiny, or to return home and face the pain and guilt that drove her on the hospital bed to begin with?"

Thank you,

Maria


message 2: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1167 comments Hello Maria,

I think you have the potential raw material, but I don't feel engaged with what you have.

"Carers" should probably be "care givers."

"all means are necessary" feels incomplete.

"mysterious guy" probably reads better as "mysterious man"

When you say "forfeit her destiny" there is an implication that she's meant for something larger, which should get some explanation.

Good luck!


message 3: by M.J. (new)

M.J. Bavis | 10 comments Hi Keith,

Thank you for your comment and the suggestions you made! All very helpful and true. I shall give it more thought to try to improve it :)

Much appreciated!!


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