Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA Fantasy Query Feedback
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Overall, I believe you've got a good start. I think your blurb needs some tweaking, though. It's the 'right length' in that it's between 100 and 150 words, but I think it has too much of the wrong detail and not enough of the right. While you only name one person, you name many locations without much description or context. For example, if what's interesting about Tanaan is it's dangerous, leave out the name and maybe put in a word or two about why it's so.
To me, YA implies younger than 18 (17 and up I interpret as New Adult), so I feel Faol having craved a revolution for a 'decade' requires some sort of explanation.
I'm not sure your author blurb adds anything. Agents never need to know if this is your first or your fifteenth novel, I don't see how being a speaker translates to higher probability you'll be a marketable author and, unless Trinity College in Dublin is highly selective and well-known to the agents you're going to query, I also feel it adds nothing. The general rule of thumb is not to say anything unless you believe it will influence the agent to ask for an MS. Now, having said that, if an agent you're targeting is an alumnus of Trinity, then be sure to mention that (along with recognizing that you share that relationship).
Good luck!
Keith, that's very helpful. I'll make some edits on that basis-- thanks for the great feedback!
I think you're on the right track with not making your query too vague, but overall it still isn't there yet. "quickly entangled in a rebellion which looks like it might just implode"
^These are the kinds of sentences that agents hear a lot of. It's just too vague and can apply to too many stories.
"The adventure takes him across Kaxos and into the Arcturian city of Allwyn, through the dangerous forest of Tanaan, and finally to very heart of Celendria."
^Don't just name drop a bunch of fantasy cities. They mean nothing yet, so it's just a bunch of weirdly spelled words and that is not how you want to end a query. You're probably ok to mention Celendria because that's where the conflict lies.
The general plot you have is interesting. Sounds like something I would pick up!
This sounds like a very good start to me!I liked the first couple sentences after your introduction....
"On a summer’s day in Kaxos, a letter goes astray. What Faol reads is a life-changing call-to-arms against the Celendrian forces that have dominated his homeland, Arcturia, and forced him into a life in hiding."
I like the visualization of the letter, (I'm imagining it blowing down the street in the wind...) and you do a good job of introducing the main character, setting, and primary conflict succinctly.
After that, I agree with Katie above. The names of the cities don't mean much to me yet, and I would be more interested in hearing something more specific about the conflict that Faol faces, or perhaps more detail about the Princes (Or other main characters) that you mention.
I do like the last part, "and finally to very heart of Celendria." as I feel that this builds up tension for what I expect will be the climax of the story.
Hope this helps and good luck!
[Agent Name]
I am seeking representation for my 50,000-word YA fantasy novel, A CROWN OF EARTH. Given your interest in this genre, I think it might be a good fit for your list.
On a summer’s day in Kaxos, a letter goes astray. What Faol reads is a life-changing call-to-arms against the Celendrian forces that have dominated his homeland, Arcturia, and forced him into a life in hiding. It’s an opportunity for the revolution he has been craving for almost a decade. He and his friends are quickly entangled in a rebellion which looks like it might just implode—and Faol refuses to go down with it.
Faol finds himself running from one prince and pursuing another, becoming even more knotted up in a conspiracy of magic, betrayal, and crowns. The adventure takes him across Kaxos and into the Arcturian city of Allwyn, through the dangerous forest of Tanaan, and finally to very heart of Celendria.
A Crown of Earth has scope to be developed into a series, but could stand alone.
Comparative books are ‘The Raven Boys’ by Maggie Stiefvater and ‘A Darker Shade of Magic’ by V.E. Schwab, for their magical elements and for characters so lifelike they could almost walk off the page.
I am a student of English Literature at Trinity College Dublin. I am a speaker and committee member of a literary festival in my county. This is my first novel.
Sincerely,